What Do I Do About My Ex Husband

D. ~ DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!!!! When did he call, what did he say, when did he see her, record & save any messages!! This will be SO helpful and very important!!! parksmomof4

What you need to do is go ahead and go back to court for the modification and when you go back to court is when you tell them about how the visit are and when he calls, and how long it has been since he has contacted you for a visit. It is hard togo through I left my ex- husband almost 2 years ago and he hasn't seen the kids in a year in a half. he hasn't called them now in almost 2 months and before then it had been almost a year since he talked to them. Just make sure write down all the phone calls and when he visits make sure they have the dates and times on them that will help you out in court.

Hello D.,

My name is B.. My son is nine and his father has been inconsistent in his life as well. At first I felt just like you, very angry and hurt that he would be so cold and heartless as to not want to see his child frequently or call. I suspect his distance is because he is angry that you and him are divorced and now he has to pay child support and have visits according to an agreement.

A;; I can say is that the first 3-4 years was tough. When my son asked me questions as to why he isn't around or why he does not call for him it was brutal and I wanted to hurt him just as badly as he was hurting my son. But I can tell you that kids are resilient and the best thing you can do is have an open relationship with your daughter and try to explain to her in a way that she can understand that sometimes children don't have mommies and daddies that are always together and that he does love her in his own special way but has a hard time expressing himself. In time as she grows up she will see things for herself and continue to ask questions, your job is to make her strong and prepare her for what is to come. Talk to her everytime he does show up and ask her how she feels and express how you feel without showing anger and anymosity towards him. Trust me, beofre you know it, if you teach her to express herself in a healthy way, she will let him know how she feels and it is up to him to correct his mistake before it is too late. I can now say that I am so proud of my son. H is 9 and he tells his father exactly how he feels, like it or not, he has to deal with it.

As for the drug testing. Working in the legal environment and having experience of my own, this is touchy. First, you can not demand a drug test unless you can prove that he has been using drugs and has been arrested or detained by police for drug use. Most courst will see this as you trying to interfere with his visits. Judges are not keen on he say/she say. They work on facts. If you can prove that he has been detained for this or have witnesses willing to testify on your behalf, the judge won't even consider this. You can request "Children & Youth" to get involved and schedule visits when he has her and they can document his visit with her. You can request supervised visits, again, you need to prove why, and this would be mandatory, and everytime he does not show up, it would be documentd and proof for you to use in the future. Remember, everything is based on what you can prove.

I know this is a tough situation, but gathering evidence and having a strong case prior to asking for a court date would be better in your favor. Document all the phone calls he has made, how many visits he has had with her in the course of the year. How much interaction he has had with her. Documentation is the key.

As for your daughter, be strong for her and and be there for her, love her and do as many things with her to keep her mind off of him. She will be fine so long as she has you.

Hi D.

I'm sorry to hear that your ex thinks he can come and go in your daughter's life when he chooses. My question to you is do you have a child support order out on him. If so you can call the social worker thats working on your case and fill him or her in on what's going on. But if not then contact the court about limiting his visits since you have soul custody of your daughter. And if you feel that he is putting you or your daughter at risk. Then I would go and get a protective order against him. I hope this helps.

S.

If you think or know that he is doing drugs then I would make sure that you bring that to the attention of the court. Keep a journal of his visits with your daughter how she was before and after the visits. When doing this write everyday if he calls or not that shows the court how much contact he has with her. Also I would request that his visits be suprervise due to your thoughts that he is dong drugs, that way someone other thatn you can see how she is before, during and after visits with him. They may even offer some counceling for her. If you don't have a lawyer I would really recommedn that you get one. If you can not afford one go to Legal Aid to get help. You should not go at this alone. I hope that you got some useful information from me. If you can let me know how things go. I wish you luck. L.

UUUGGGHHHHHHHH I know what you are going through.
I used to keep a journal for every phone call he made. I also would write down issues we talked about.
I also kept track off when he picked him up and dropped him off. I kept track of where he took him. His moods, his acions,everything.
I used 1 journal just for this. It came in VERY handy when he tried to take me back to court.
Good Luck!!

If I were you, I would deny any custody. Tell the courts, he is on drugs and will not take a test. Tell them about his coming and going, this is not healthy for a child.

D.-
I'm going through a separation and custody battle with my alcoholic husband. I dont know where you are located, but recommend that you call the family advocacy center in St. Mary's County ###-###-####. If you are not in the charles, calvert or stmarys' area, maybe they have a referral for you. The attorney's there are wonderful about getting things done in the right way for the children. Also, find and contact & USE!!! your victims assistance center! they have LOTS of referals for things that you don't even know exist!
Good Luck
V.

Dear D.,
I am not sure what your state says but here in Pennsylvania after 6 months of no contact you have the right, if you wish, to go for involuntary termination of parental rights of the other parent. If this is in the best interest of the child this is what I would suggest. Sometimes it is best but other times it is not, so always look upon your individual circumstances. I went for involuntary termination of parental rights of my ex husband for the same thing and won. My new husband has now adopted them and this was the best thing for my children. If the father does not want contact after such a long time, please consider what is best for your daughter.

Does he have a drug addiction? And if he does did you know this when you decided to have a child with him? You need to take some responsability with this. You were not blindsided here. You new what you were getting into. You need to protect your daughter now, especially since he wants to take your daughter without you there for the day. I don't know legually the rights you have. Unless you can prove his addiction. If not, I pray for you and your daughter to be safe. Next time you get into a relationship, please have better judgement for the sake of your child. This will be a life long lesson for you and I hope you learned it well. Good luck and God speed....

If he truly wants to see your daughter then he needs to go back to court and have a modification put in place that you have to agree to and sign off on. Do you really think he will put the wheels in motion and do so?

Once you have a document showing that he is supposed to see her on certain days or weekends then you can call the police and file contempt charges when he doesn't show up. Use the law to benefit you!

I totally understand wanting to protect your daughter and I would want the same for mine but you have to remember that as her father, he does have rights. If he can get his act together and see his daughter on a specific routine schedule then everyone will benefit in the end.

If he truly loves her he will understand the need for consistency and stability where she is concerned.

Good luck!

I hope you have documented the times he has come and your daughters reaction for the times he has no shown up. This will be a big help in court. If there are drug issues then ask for supervised visits. He will get court ordered vistitaion no matter what but push for supervised visits for at least 6 months to a year and that way if he don't show you have a good case to end visitation.

The sad thing is, he can come and go as he pleases in most cases, as long as he comes within his visitation times. It is sad, but in most cases where you have custody the father has the right, but not the requirement to see the child, so they can not contact for months and then want to see then, which can be very hard on the child.
Keep records!! Every time he calls or sees her, so if you do need to go back to court, you have a record of how often he did call (and when he didn't!!).
Do you have a court order that he be drug free? If you are making it a stipulation that he be tested and it is not part of your agreement they might give you problems on that. If you truely feel that is a danger to your child, see a laywer about your options on it. But I know how hard it is to give your child to someone you feel may not be caring for them in the best way.
In my experience fathers who don't see there kids and spout off about "going to court for a modification" are full of hot air. If they are not even seeing their kids, why modify it - many times the threat is just something for them to hold over YOUR head.
My x goes long periods of time as well, and I have always just put him in a positive light to my son (biting my tounge most times!!) and told him dad will see you when he can (he is 12 now), but he still loves you. As they grow up, they figure it out on their own, believe me!!
Best of luck,
K.

i know what you are going through! i have a step son who my husband and i now have full costody of. however it took us 3 years. it is really hard to watch your child deal with something they have a hard time understanding. first of all if you have costody then you have the power. if he stops by and hasn't called first then don't let him see her! simple! aslo if you are going back to court then ask for a supervised drop off point. there are lots of them. we have a church that sets up all the pick up and drop off times. you don't even have to see one another. you just go at a scheduled time for dropping off and picking up. most of them are free or very cheep....like $5.00! and if he fails to show up then you now have it documented! and you can take those records to court. ask your lawyer about it, i am sure he knows. i am sure that it is hard to see your daughter go through this, but as long as you stay strong she will be just fine. as my husband and i were always told, "as long as a child has one safe and happy home they will be just fine."
i hope that helps!

L.

Call a lawyer. The stakes are the well-being of your daughter. To find out which lawyers are good, I'd go to the courthouse on civil motion day in whatever court hears custody cases and ask lawyers who they'd hire, and ask people who they'd hire, and get three names, and then call. Do not go for the person with the biggest yellow pages ad.

1) Yes, the father can fail to visit your child. It sounds like that is probably a good thing, if he's using drugs.

2) The lawyer can help you with the modification, but it sounds like your ex wants the order modified to not have to visit your daughter.

3) You want him to be someone he's not. From your post, it sounds like he is not a responsible person. You cannot change him into a responsible person with a court order. If you see him as he is, and not who you want to change him into, you will be in a better position to look after your two-year-old.

dont allow the court to change the order or it will get worse. ive been there and if i had it to do over i would of moved before i got court papers and i wouldnt let him know where you move to......

I can really understand what you are going though. My daughters father has been in and out of her life since day one. Now five years later he wants to fight for visits. I know he sells drugs, uses them and partys all night long with his other kid there. I know it would be unsafe for my daughter and not healthy but now I am looking at having to make the courts belive that. Its not fair that a court can tell you whats right for your child when they really know nothing at all. I dont know what to do either. I really feel for you and wish you the best.