Advice for Handling Visitations from Parent Not Paying Child Support

It took me a while to realize that is was not part of my job to ensure ther relationship between my children and thier father (Mom of 2 boys, divorced when they were 5 & 4) Once I began to move on with my own life, I had to stop making the effort - calling all the time, asking if everything was alright, hounding. You'r life will get easier over time, if you stop putting the pressure on yourself.
I want my children to have a relationship with their dad, but in the end (When they are 18) it will not be the things that you did to help the relationship along that will count. It's your relationship with them that will make the difference.
I stopped calling, questioning and expecting. If he doesn't show within 15 min of the appointment time, pack-up, leave the house and use that time to go to the park or do something fun, since you already had that time blocked out. When he calls to 'explain', cut him off saying "no big deal, we were at the park anyway" He'll start to get the clue anyway that your life doesn't stop because of him. I started getting my sanity back.
Today - it'll be months before he calls the boys and they don't even seem to notice. The do go for summer visits now, but my ex's family is around and I have more communication with them than him. The boys are happym, healthy and I am less stressed because I know they love me for me and being mom.

D., Hi my name is R.. I went through this same thing . My daughters father didnt want anything to do with her for the first 3 years, (except when it fit his needs). He never paid child support either. I gave him the chance to make payments on his own but it didnt work out. He took advantage of the situation. So I filed for child support. They made sure that he paid. When he didnt or (doesnt) they know it at least and do something about it. I never did not let him see her though. No matter how much I wanted to keep him from her out of anger, I knew that it was the wrong thing to do. She loves her Daddy, and I would never take that away from her.
I dont think you should stop visitations. I know that it hard to be the one doing all the work, Mom & dad role. Beleive me. My daughter goes to her dads every other weekend. As time has gone by he has gotten alot better at being responsible by making & keeping his visits and being on time. Hopefully this doesnt change. For her sake. Keep your head up high! Know that you love your son and you are doing what is best for him.

I have an ex that doesn't want to pay child support either, he is over $33 thousand in the hole. He also job hops or works under the table. But I have the help of the DA 888-271-4214 to help track him down when he is working, as for the visitations he lives in Alabama so that fortunately I don't have to deal with. Once I met my new husband and we moved in with him, he called once and told me that "He wasn't calling some other dudes house" and I told him that this is where his daughter is and if he wanted to talk to her he would need to call. We didn't put anything in the divorce paperwork about visitation because I knew there wouldn't be any. His mom (Nana) sends money and gifts for holidays and birthdays but nothing comes from him. She also wants to come and visit but I tell her no because he doesn't pay child support. But that is her not Dad. I hear where your comming from and I recommend contacting the DA and they will find him when he is working and automatically deduct from his paycheck. Hope this helps a little.
Kim

It's time to get him to pay up. Call your local Bar Assoc who can give you a Lawyer Referral (sometimes witha free 30min. appt) or a Woman's Resource Center who know of attorneys that can help.
Then, the next time he calls to "see" your son make sure he understands that if he has to cancel that it is imperative that you receive 12 hrs notice, or there will be no "make ups". Your son is a human being, not a robot. I'm sure he's wondering why he hasn't seen his dad since Christmas even if he isn't voicing it.
Your ex needs to realize that being a father entail far more than just an occasional toy.
I worked in family law, and I saw this scenario too many times to count. Please get legal help.
Good Luck,
-K.

You say he doesn't pay child support...is that because he has no money for the courts to take, or because you haven't fought for child support?
You can always so no to the visits, and you shouls since he is a flake and not living up to his responsibilities. If you had a court order though for visitation and child support, he has to abide by it. If he doesn't he then gets in trouble with the courts. Maybe with a more serious threat like that he would stick to hi commitments. It's a very sad thing. You're doing the right thing by not letting your son get hurt by him. You need to protect yourself though too. Good luck.

Everyone has given such great advice I have very little to add, but I do think that you should def file for child support throught the state and make him pay back child support for the last two years that you have had to struggle. I understand what it feels like when the father is unreliable and you are doing the right thing by not telling your child about the appointments, but I think that there should be SOME kind of consequence for no call and no show. I think the idea about making him wait a month is a good one, if he would be affected by that. Also, I know this sounds a little petty, but you could give him a taste of his own medicine. Why don't you let him make an appointment and when he comes to pick up your son -oops! You went out of town for the weekend. Some people might disagree with that sort of tactic, but then you could ask him how that felt??

I'm sorry, but I think men that don't pay child support and don't show up are WORTHLESS, but he's still your sons dad and it doesn't help the kid if you cut off all communication. When he gets older hopefully he will realize how much you did for him. And hopefully your ex will realize what he's missing before it is too late for him to be a good dad. I wouldn't even ask him for any more money because obviously asking isn't working. You need to take that jerk to court NOW. The court will also set up times for visitation for you.

Good luck girl.

I can understand where you're coming from. The same happend between me and my ex. It is very smart to not tell your son of his father's broken promises. Since it will only hurt him more. Unfortunatly you have no control over his father's behavior. I don't think there is much you can do there. I have heard that father's have the right to see their son's whether or not they are paying child support. You shoud check the laws on that. That I know of only a judge can take away a parent's visitation rights.

Regarding the child support. Have you gone through the legal actions to request child support? If not I suggest you do. If you have and he's not paying you should check with your contact for child support to see what steps you can take to ensure your son gets the money support from his father.

God Bless.

From a legal standpoint (I used to work as a family law paralegal) the failure to pay child support is not a valid reason to deny visitation and on the flip side not being able to see your child for whatever reason is not a valid excuse to not pay child support. So, legally he would have grounds to take you to court if you failed to let him see his child. Not that any judge would look favorably upon his behavior but its grounds for a court date nonetheless.

Do you have a child support order in place? That would be my first suggestion. I would also make sure that the state is the one garnishing his wages rather than an arrangement being made between the two of you. This way he can't pull the "I have money so let me see my kid" stuff.

I wouldn't let my child know that dad has made plans to see him only to have him be disappointed continually. Also let your ex know that you aren't going to stop doing what you had already planned for the day because chances are he is just going to flake. Let him make the arrangements to meet you wherever you may be in order to visit his child.

Ohh man, this sounds soooo familiar. We are going through similar issues with my husband's ex, she's $4k past and never shows up for visitation at the last minute, then accuses him of trying to keep her from her kids.

(EDIT: I typed out the following, and missed the part in the original post that implied there's no parenting plan in place. Obviously, the following only applies with a parenting plan, but it could still be helpful info for you in the future or someone else, so I'm going to leave it - also this is all for the state of Washington, but again, might be helpful)

We've consulted with a lawyer, and I'll tell you what we do know as a result. I'M NOT A LAWYER, so please take this all as one person's opinion, everyone!!!

1. Child Support and Visitation are two separate issues, and visitation can't be held due to lack of child support. They are handled with different forms/legal proceedings etc. If you don't let him see the kids because of back CP, YOU can be found in contempt of the parenting plan, and if he really wanted to he could raise a stink about Parental Alienation and get you on this.

2. If he's back in child support, not only can you have the state start collections if you haven't already (although if he's like my stepkid's mom he'll job hop so that they can't garnish - its amazing what people will do to avoid their responsibilities) you can also file a petition for contempt - he's willfully ignoring his child support payment, which is a disregard for a court order. This can't magically make him pay, but it may show him how serious this is, how serious you are about wanting him to take care of his kids, and it will go on his permanent record, for your divorce/parenting plan. That way if you need to fight in court about things later, he looks like a big old irresponsible parent and it helps take steam out of whatever he tries to convince a judge that you are doing.

3. What the parenting plan says about visitation you're legally bound to - i.e. if it just says he gets first and third weekends and he knocks on your door to pick them up, you legally have to hand them over, or face potential contempt yourself. However, if your plan is well organized and says "non-custodial parent will pick up the children within 1/2 an hour of 6pm on the first or third weekends of the month. If the non-custodial parent doesn't arrive or call by 1/2 hour after 6 pm, their parenting time is forfeited." It's not hard to get a change/modification like this, because it just clarifies, doesn't really remove any potential visitation, and yet holds him accountable. It's intimidating, but you can do it!! Protect yourself on paper!

4. As far as emotionally protecting your children (and this somewhat depends on his ability to not mess with their minds when he DOES call/show) in our home we don't tell the kids its their mom's weekend, or mom is planning on picking them up. Because 99% of the time she just never shows, and they would be devastated if they knew that. They are blissfully unaware. If she does show, we go "SURPRISE! Mom's here to see you!!" and then they go off for what's usually a measly 2 hours instead of a whole weekend. Maybe you could convince him (rightfully so) that it upsets the children emotionally when he doesn't show, and to just work it like that to help them stay more emotionally balanced.

This is a big slice of hell you're living, there are so many more of us out there doing it too. You're not alone!

Please PM/email if you need to vent/discuss more.

Good luck!!
~S.

My sister is going through the same thing except she talks to her Daddy on the phone and sometimes she feels the rejection herself and my sister has to pick up the piece. Don't be the one in the wrong. Don't deny a relationship. Money is a separate issue. If you need to fight for the money...go to court. Let him make appointments but maybe set a ground rule that if he breaks one, he won't get to make another appointment for a month because you can't put your life on hold waiting for nothing. Keep staying in the right. Don't use visitation as revenge for non payment. Money support and emotional support are two issues. If you do go to court, keep a tight record of all the broken appointments and ask the judge if you are required to keep making appointments when history shows he doesn't show.

It's tough but being that your the mama, you have to take the heat to try to make things as best as you can for your child. I see how it hurts my sister all the time and my niece but I also see how much she needs her daddy despite his short comings. Nothing replaces a biological father.

Good luck.

Well, I do know that you should not deny visitation if he is ever willing to show up. You would only be punishing your son. I also think you need to stop making appointments. You can just tell him that you will be home on such and such a date if he wants to drop by and ask him to call first when possible. That way you won't be getting disappointed either because you won't know until the last minute. Whether he does this or not is, of course, a we'll see.

Have you tried talking to your ex? Have you told him how bad this is for your son? It is great to have a Christian attitude towards it all, but do not forget...if the mother is not a strong foundation, the walls around you will fall (your son, your job, your schooling, etc.) Take good care of yourself!

As for the money part...I don't know about your State, but I am assuming all are the same since it is the federal government, but if you apply for welfare or some kind of financial assistance, they will go after the bio-dad for you. I think it is worth a try. You have to take care of you and your son first.

Good luck and I am sorry you are in this position. You are a wonderful woman to be raising a child of God on your own and I truly wish you the best.

As stated by all the others before me it really is two seperate issues. I would definately go to the state offices and start a court ordered support and have his wages garnished. This shouldn't cost you anything. As for his failure to show for visits...I think I'd take pictures of your son each time he is scheduled for a visit and mail them with a note that says "I waited for you Daddy! Didn't I look handsome?" Perhaps showing him just what he's missing will encourage him to step up to the plate and keep the appointments. I know it sounds a bit underhanded but often times they forget what joy the little faces and smiles can bring to our hearts. Also try and talk to your ex. Remind him that it won't be long before your son attaches himself to another male role model be it at school or church or somewhere else. If he wants that title of Daddy he needs to earn it and while your son may be too young to understand or judge him for it now he won't stay that young. Do keep a log of all scheduled appointments and log the ones he makes and keeps for any future legal references. Best of luck to you! Stay strong!

Well I went through a similar situation and my son father did not keep his promise alot of times when it came to picking his son up. i know you want to do the right thing and allow him to be a part of your son life. But if he continues to act in such a way , then maybe you need to tell him no. the thing is he knows your not going to say no so he plays on that. and you don't deserve that or your son. So deny him visitation until he can prove he can actually be there for your son. And childsuport is always a option to get him to provide.

Hello D.-
In my opinon you need to seperate the two issues.. I think you should allow him visitations for him to see your son.. Because that is the bond that you will want to grow between father and son. I know it can be hard when he doesn't show up, but you should always have the option to see his son.. As for child support. The two aren't tied together.. Do you have a court order? if you don't you should get one throgh the court system. Because then you don't have to be the one always trying to get the money from him. It will be the state.. They will take if straight from his pay check and send it to you.. If he stops working for a while they will always catch up to him when he files his taxes.. Something to consider..

Hi, I went through a similar situation, it all broils down to this, you can't deny your ex visitation rights to your child regardless of him paying or not! I was told this directly from a judge. Best thing to do is get his wages garnished, which usually takes about 7 months and set up visitation with a mediatior. Document everything, that way if he decides ever to take you to court or likewise, you can show the judge when and how many times he flaked on his visitation schedule. Be prepared and document everything!