Advice for Keeping the Love Alive in the Five Year Stretch While Raising Babies?

You nailed it at the end, one event only helps for a moment, but never seems to last...you need to give constant attention to love. It's hard. Extra effort when we are exhausted from being mommy or feeling taken for granted is nearly impossible. You got to want it. I think that's what everyone meant when they said Marraige is work. I get it now. None of us are perfect. Try to remember the little things about the two of you as a friends/couple that you love and play on those. No thing is too little!

20 years in :)

My friend who is a therapist swears you should have a once a week date night. Every Friday. (or whatever day works for you). She also says it's important to leave the kids/babies with grandma at times and get away together. You need MUCH MORE alone time together. Make it a regular thing. Don't do it once in a blue moon.

Date nights every other week or every week. Love notes. Songs you both love will spark happy memories and keep a smile on each of your face.
Greet him with a smile when he comes home from work etc.

Listen to his needs. Just let him feel special and find time for each other.

But one thing makes me wonder. You are thinking of adoption but really have trouble connecting. As much adoption is great to do but I would think twice if keeping your love is a struggle.

Reading your older post about getting organized with work and family and your income is limited I would strongly recommend to stay realistic. You have your hands full with your 2 beautiful little wonders. Enjoy them and work on you and your husband before you load up another project.

Regular date night.

We always had weekly date night. When I got pregnant we pledged to each other to always make date night a priority.

In our 30 years, we rarely missed a date night and if we did, someone was sick.

You don't have to have pricey date nights every week.,,, go walking, window shopping, exercising, etc.

We spent about $100 a week for our weekly sitter and that's one of the best investments we could have made. Our date nights were enjoying great restaurants, fine wines, golf outings, etc.

We continued date night up until my husband suddenly died last year. Our daughter turns 22 tomorrow. We were all super close.

Appreciate all you have now while you have it and don't forget to show the appreciation to your hubby. Things can and do change in a second. I'm thankful for the relationship we shared for so many years. My daughter was able to see her parents enjoy a solid, secure relationship.

I'm going to respond a little differently than most of the other comments. While, yes, I think having date nights is a good goal, and they can help, one commenter mentioned a rule for those dates... not discussing the kids.

That, in my opinion, in many ways, is a nod in the right direction...but not really the end-all-be-all. I don't know your situation (working or stay at home, etc), but what I discovered through time (just celebrated 20 years) is that it isn't so much whether or not we talk about the kids, or even whether or not we get away/go on a date/leave the house... that has the most impact of staying *in touch* with each other. It's remembering that we are more than *just* our kids' parents. More than *just* one of this family we've created who is doing everything "for the family."

Reconnect by having something to talk about. As a SAHM for many years, there have been many periods of time where ALL I felt like I had to contribute to conversation with my spouse was what needed to be added to the grocery list, how the kids were doing at school, and what needed doing around the house, or had gotten done around the house. Generally mundane things that were more "status reports" and updates than real, meaningful conversation. Having an interest that helped me remain a separate person (all while being an integral part of our family) made a difference. The times I took up a new activity (became a runner, learned to sew, decided to get back in the job market with a part-time job, joined a book club--with my spouse!) opened many new avenues of conversation that had been missing. Places to discuss hopes/dreams, wishes, ideals, discomfort with myself, or pride in accomplishments, that had nothing to do with how well the kids were turning out... a source of concern for every parent.. where you learn to identify how you're doing in life by how your kids are turning out... and the older you get, the more you realize how you can't control their outcome as much as you thought.

The times I felt worst, were when I had none of those outlets for myself. When I got up and made his lunch for work, sent him off, got the kids off to school, and sat here feeling like I would have nothing new to discuss when he came home--and didn't--unless we were in the mood to discuss politics--which can be stressful and not a good fall-back discussion if you are stressed in your relationship! Discussing a book we were reading together (with a larger group) gave us conversation about the subject matter, about the other group member's views on same, a place/time to get out of the house together, something that excluded our kids, and reminded us that we're friends, and we each have intelligent thoughts about abstract matters...I'm way more than making dinner and doing laundry. And he's way more than the guy who disappears for 8 hours a day and comes home grumpy sometimes.

When I took up running (seems like an impossibility with young kids, I know... but gym time of some sort maybe?) I had a new realm to explore and to discuss. He was already a runner. And we almost never run together (not similar ability). But he was able to encourage me, talk about his struggles with it, his joy in it, and I was able to do the same.

And so on.
It isn't just carving out the generic "time" for each other. That's sometimes no better than not having any time, if you discover that you sit there with nothing to say to each other.

So, find something that interests you, do something out of the norm (doesn't have to be anything crazy, either), AND find time to have conversation with him. Encourage him to try something new. And then SHARE with each other.
Eventually you will be sitting with wonder, awe, and fear discussing your kids moving out and into the next phase of their lives as young adults. It's scary. And a comfort. To know it's your old friend across the table sharing the same hopes and dreams for their future. And to also know you are both more than how your parenting has defined you. So, sure, try not to talk about *just* the kids... when they are small it may be easier to try to make it a rule... but as they grow, it's ok. Some of your deepest fears and worries need to be aired and shared with one another... and will stem from your children. And you will use those moments to comfort one another, and will grow closer in the process.

Good luck to you. It isn't an easy road. There's work involved. And it never stops. But it is cyclical to some degree. You can't fully appreciate the ups without any downs. My husband likes to say that relationships are never stagnant. Never. Either you are improving them, or they are disintegrating.

Sounds like you are choosing the improve. Just have to keep choosing it every day. :)

Date night. We aren't as good about it as we should be, but we try for once a month. A lot of the time it's just dinner out. Maybe once a year it's something like a show, a movie, or the symphony. But I actually prefer dinner because we talk more, whereas a show is together time but without communication.

Please make the time and don't have an agenda for every date. Date night is not the time have all your serious conversations. It's time to simply be together and have fun.

It's also ok sometimes to fake it til you make it a bit. When I mean is that if you purposely act more loving to your DH, he might do the same in return. Which might actually make each of you feel more loving and over time it will start to come more naturally again.

I agree with date nights. It can be in your own home too. All as we need is a bottle of wine, bread and oil and we are happy. Usually we add takeout to that menu...but wine and bread would make our date night a success.

I also think it is important to always have something to look forward to as a couple whether it is dinner with friends, concert tickets, a day trip or a vacation.

I just lost a long post grrrr....
Love is a verb, not a noun :) That is the bottom line. Little things every day. We can't always have date nights, but we make an effort to spend time together each night after he gets home from work (he works a minimum of 12 hours/day, 6 days a week). Marriage takes effort, every day.

I think we all go through this at some point. Little children are very time consuming. Been there. My siblings and friends all told me it gets easier as kids get older - it's true.

Our love life is not the same as before kids. That's just something to accept. I think when we compare to before, that expectation leads to disappointment. You're kind of new people and you need to reconnect at times. Your night away will be good.

As for not agreeing on things - I found that I took a lead in some things (kids and house) and my husband supported me. He owns his stuff (cars, insurance, etc.) That works for us. Before kids, we had time to discuss stuff together. Now, not so much. It's easier for us.

Sometimes when we're not loving, there is some kind of resentment there. You had said earlier he's away most of the week. As a mom of young kids, that would be hard. Do you need time for yourself? I find I do - before couple time. I come first, then I'm far more loving.

So - if you have resentment - work on that - if you need time for yourself or to go out with friends - do that - and then maybe you'll see your guy in a new light. He you. That's where I would start. I did do that actually, and it helped us. Good luck :) Enjoy your night away! (don't talk about the kids!).

ETA: Love Isn'tthisfun?`s response.

We used to do date night regularly - but like she said, if you don't have anything to talk about, to bond over, it's not that big a help - sometimes it points out that you're not connecting. The best gift I have given to myself as a mom and as a spouse, was to do things for myself (interests, etc.). Time for myself engaging in stuff as me, the person. That's what we needed. We were so consumed by being parents - we needed that first. Time to ourselves - then as a couple. Wonderful advice she wrote.

We had to make "us" time a priority, we make time every nigh to spend time just with each other. We also made an effort to add in more love making, it helps keep us close.

I know it can be hard to make "us" time a priority, but even if it is just 30 minutes at bedtime it is so important to have time together that is not distracted by chores or kids. People change as they age, it is up to each couple to decide if they will grow and change together or allow themselves to grow apart.

My husband always calls me on his way home from work. Our son entertains himself while we talk for 30 minutes. I'm starting dinner while we talk about our day. Things come up sometimes - we don't get that time and thats ok. When my husband comes home, our son is all over him and excited. We don't get to have an adult conversation until later. I feel like it's really helped us. My in laws keep our son over night once or twice a month too - that helps too. Things can wait, laundry whatever. You both have to make an effort and remember why you fell in love in the 1st place.

Date nights for sure, at least 1 a month but 2 is better, but with ground rules: no talking about the kids at all, no looking at the cell phone for texts from the sitter (give her the restaurant's main number to use in an emergency), and no talking about work. Go back to the discussions you used to have before you had kids - hopes, dreams, ideal vacation spots - or reminisce about a fun place you went together that was either romantic or just funny.

Read a book you think the OTHER one would like, and share what you gleaned from it and why it made you think of the other one. Go to a museum - science, ecology, art, history - or anything from another time - an old mansion or birthplace of someone notable, anything that takes you into another time period. Sometimes it's nice to see how people dealt with daily work and stress without modern conveniences - it can make you more appreciative of what you have, and of how they managed with smaller space and less "stuff."

Hadn't heard of the dice thing that Chacha mentions but it sounds cute. Definitely keeping the playfulness in the home (not just on the weekend getaway) is key.

Get out and take a walk in a real nature area (not just a city park unless there are some very large ones), away from the sounds of traffic. Look up, look off to the side of the trail, look down at some small plant pushing its way through the ground...don't just focus on forging ahead on the path. Stop - smell the pines, listen to the wind, lie down on a blanket to look at the sky through the branches...anything to slow down your hectic lives. Or go to the shore, hear the waves, watch the gulls...same idea.

I agree with the idea of little love notes and so on. My husband always puts little funny comments on the grocery list, either using a baby talk term our son used to say or writing some goofy thing his mother used to say. For example, she was very overweight and ate all day long, but in front of others, she would say how she ate cottage cheese every day because "It's very light" and she added a banana "for the potassium." So sometimes one of us will write "It's very light" under cottage cheese or "potassium" under bananas - and of course the other one doesn't see it until actually in the supermarket. So it causes a chuckle during a mundane chore. I'll bet you have 50 things like that in your relationship that you could revive now and then.

When I was a SAHM, my husband worked at home. So we had a deal that a few times a month I had a "ME" day - took my son to preschool and dropped him off, then my husband picked up at noon, gave him lunch, played with him and put him down for his nap. He worked in between but they also had really good bonding time. I had the day to myself from 9 to whenever I got home, 4 or 5 PM. It made my husband totally appreciate all that I did, and gave me time to be out (for myself, not just running family errands) without having to watch the clock all the time to make it to preschool pick-up. I took myself to a movie, got lunch by myself (with a book and often a glass of wine), browsed furniture or antique shops for no reason other than fun, hung out in bookstores, took a walk in an arboretum or nature reserve, met with a friend...anything. Coming back to seeing them having fun together made me miss them and appreciate the nurturing side of my husband, and my husband would be very respectful of all it takes to keep the chaos under control with a kid who isn't always cooperative.

we found we had to work at it. set aside time for each other. pay for a sitter if we had to. it was our marriage, it was important enough to invest in, even in the terribly broke days.
i remember my parents shutting us out of the kitchen every day when dad got home from work, and they'd have a martini and chat for half an hour before we were allowed in their presence again. anything short of spurting blood meant no interruptions.
we tried a modern version of that, with mixed results, but here we are now with grown kids and an empty nest, and really grooving on each other.
date nights are great too, but find a routine where you get to focus exclusively on each other for a few minutes a day. not to discuss the kids or bills, but to talk and listen to each other. it doesn't have to be deep and emotional every time, but it does have to be personal. how are you feeling. how can i help you get a little more rest. here's a little de-stressor i've found that works for me, maybe it will for you. i love that shirt on you. let me rub your neck a little. let's have a cup of tea and watch the snow fall.
little things.
khairete
S.

My husband and I have been together 13 years. We have raised a now 15 year old and an 11 month old. I know exactly what your going through. We were just going through the daily motions...I started to think about what I love about my husband the most. What really makes me smile about him. That helped me to refresh some of those "in love" feelings. We sat down a few weeks ago and had an honest talk about what was bothering both of us in the relationship. After the talk things have been great. we understand each other better. sometimes all it takes is a "stop everything, no one around, true talk"

It's the daily little things that work for us.....holding hands while watching TV on the couch, a 1 minute (at least!) kiss as soon as he walks in the door from work, and texting throughout the day (sometimes silly jokes or thinking about you or what sounds good for dinner) so that when we are back together in the evening our conversation just picks right back up. But by far our favorite is breakfast dates. When the kids were little we would go somewhere the kids could play (McDonalds) and we would have breakfast and the kids would play while we finished our coffee and talked. We still do breakfast dates early Saturday mornings, but the kids are old enough now to stay home by themselves, although occasionally one of them will tag along for some undivided parent attention and a good breakfast. We also count anything done together as a "date". Running errands, grocery shopping, washing the car, sitting through soccer practice or a game....it all counts since we are together, holding hands, and stop to kiss before getting out of the car.

Going away for passion (one town over) keeps the passion "away". You need to infuse your "normal space" with passion and fun.

Start with something silly and light. Maybe a pair of those dice for couples, one says an action and the other says a body part (so you get, for example, "kiss" "an elbow"). Spend just five minutes on that each night (you can even set a timer some nights if you want, to keep some mystery by holding back a bit and to emphasize that this does not have to be a sleep-depriver or some overblown thing). One night, do that before sleep; one night, wake up in the middle of the night together and do that (just need a dim light); one night, do that when you wake up after a full night's sleep.

After a few nights (or a few weeks) of doing that every single night, see how you feel. Plan a nice date night. Buy some new lingerie. Talk "dirty" to each other. But keep up some little romantic action (like the dice), just for a quick few minutes, every single night.