Advice for Teenage Step Daughter

Being a teenager is a tough time. She will eventually come around. You never know what the mother has told her about her dad or his family. Jsut keep calling and keep tehj line of communications up.

I have 3 older children (who have children of their own)
and a 15 yr. old boy. You should not feel guilty, and
I would just continue to leave messages at different times,
but as I have always told my kids "You can't make someone
like you". It is sad that she is missing out on being a part of your family, but it is her choice. Some day she may see what she has missed, but I wouldn't count on it.
You should continue to let your son try to contact her, but
I would just tell him that she will call when she is ready.

M. I feel for you and your husband. My husband and I have gone through a similar situation. He was previously married and so was I we each had 2 children and desired the family blend together. His x-wife was very cruel with her words regarding my husband and myself convincing the children we didn't love them that we loved my children more than them hard to believe someone would put such a terrible thing in a childs mind but some people do. As the years went by we prayed and spent time with them when we could and as they got older and got jobs and what not our seeing them even got slimmer. Now they are 25 and 22 and understand what their mother did. Our oldest daughter is married and has a child she brings him over all the time we have him overnight and everything. I believe prayer changes things. We had to wait some years feeling sad and really really desiring a relationship with them and finally it happened. God luck and hang in there God is able to fix it all.

I feel for you and your husband. I can somewhat relate to the young lady because I felt torn between my mother and his new wife. The only advise I can really give you is to be PATIENT with her. Deep down she really does want to be apart of your family but she feels if she expresses that she's betraying her mother. Also there be some underlying issues in there also. Such has her being jealous of you because her father married you and not her mother. Send her pictures of her siblings and make a surprise visit to her school or home if possible with the kids. Just continue to be there for her and she will turn around trust me.

First of all summer school does NOT last all summer...it's usually six weeks long. Your husband needs to call & verify this as well...there's a court order that needs to be followed & enforced! Secondly..it's not going to be much that you /him can do to change the way she feels even though she's older because it's in her. Now I know you wouldn't be with a man that doesn't take care of his children & I say that to say this...he's supporting her & what she gets would be ALL she gets since she doesn't want to come & spend the summer with him. I woiuldn't allow her to call when she's in need of ANYTHING extra if she doesn't respect you all enough to come in the summer, return the calls or acknowledge you or her siblings. Sometimes you have to be very stern. Her mother must be a bitter old bat & is encouraging her daughters behavior. Yes, you've tried but you are NOT to kiss her tail to get along. One day she may come to her senses & maybe she won't but long as you know that you didn't do anything to her to warrant this type of behavior....so be it! Don't keep making excuses to your son either...just tell him she decided not to come & wants to other things then come to visis. She could be jealous that her parents aren't together & that he's started another family...or her mom sure is. I will tell you that prayer changes things & pray that HE softens her heart as well as her mother's because the problem has generated from there. I went through something similar but we lived in the same state, so it made it a little easier. I wish the very best of luck & God Bless!

It is common for girls at 15 to distance themselves from their families, whether they live with them or not. It is also very painful for a girl that age to consider being away from her friends during the summer. It is also common for teens to only call when they need something. It is up to the parents to teach them to show more care and respect than that.

I can tell you for sure that when I was 15, if someone told me I would have to spend the summer away from my boyfriend, I would have flunked a class on purpose just to have a reason to stay near him.

If we are to be fair about this, we have to admit that it is not the child's fault that her parents are not married nor living near enough to reasonably co-parent. How much should we really expect a child to sacrifice so that parents in this situation can have things the way they want them?

Still, I don't believe a 15 year old should have complete choice in the matter, as they should not be expected to carry the burden of decision making that affects a whole family. I always recommend that parents make strong, caring, and generous, respectful, and very clear decisions for their children.

Have you considered having her come for a week before summer school and a week after? Have you considered writing to her with a list of options for her to choose from regarding how she can manage her time to visit? Have you considered telling her that your family is taking a week or two week vacation, or even a long weekend, and you are coming to her town and are planning activities that include her? You might even suggest that her siblings want to learn about where she lives, where she goes to school, and what she likes to do, so she will be the tour guide. This might show her that you respect her and really care about who she is and want to be part of her life instead of simply telling her that you expect her to be part of your life. If you want to meet her friends, you might want to offer to take her and her friends out to something they would like to do. It just might all work out better if you meet her on her territory for once.

One thing to always consider is that she needs to know she is loved, respected, and appreciated. She needs to be honored for who she is. Asking her to visit because her father, step mother, and half siblings have some sort of right to her time and suggesting it is her responsibility to put her life on hold because of it is not likely to attract much interest on her part. Don't assume she will come around on her own if she has not been shown the love and care that attracts the heart.

Oh honey I can so relate. The only difference is my husband was married to her mother. My step daughter will be 13 this year. Her mother will tell her my husband is a piece of S*&t and isn't worth anything. She called kast christmas or the christmas before and demaded we get her an ipod for Xmas. I was like ah no and so was dh. We also have 2 children together and have been married 12 years. We received an email from my step daughter stating that if he doesn't contact her and come and see her that he would hear from her mom's lawyers A$$hole. I was like no she didn't. Her mom I am assuming knew she sent it. My husband pays child support for her and has. Her mom is very permisquis(sp) so he had a DNA test done to make sure that she was his. Her mom is still this way and she sees this so I love to see what is going to happen this year or the next few years. The bad part about all this is, is her mother asks her to lie for her too, to her current in home boyfriend and father to her last child. All I can say is what we have been saying for the last 13 years we have been together. She will either realize she wants to have her dad in her life and will understand that her mom is wrong about him and get her own opinion of us or she will just stick beside her mom on everything.

We also went to court for visitation and with being military it has different things in it but basically when we come home on leave we have her so much time out of that time and if we live close enough then she can come and visit. This was only good for a year and then it was up to the 2 parties to decide what was going to happen from there. When we lived in VA she would come down and visit for the weekend, the one weekend I guess her mom didn't want her to be there so she told her so and so is coming don't you want to come home and play? Well of course she said yes. Well I had already driven half way to Hershey PA to meet her so I told her I was not able to meet her half way if she wanted to go home she had to drive all the way to come and get her which was about 250 miles and her mom did it. When my step daughter was with us she would spend time with her brother and sister and play and not call back home, her mom called the one day chewing us out because we didn't make her call her. We told her that is her decision she is welcome to use the phone whenever she wants and if she doesn't call we can't make her. We have reminded her and she said she would do it later. The one time I had to get on her because she wasn't listening she went home and told her mom and her mom said that I had no right to get onto her because I wasn't her mother. Which I can understand this as I had step parents most of my life also and it wasn't easy, but I learned that it didn't matter because that was my biological parents spouse and their house. But I am also 31 now and understand a lot more now. All I can say is let it go and when she decides she wants to be a part of your family then let her in but also be cautious (this is just my opinion and what I would do if my step daughter came around)

When my step daughter was a baby her mom went to welfare and said that my husband abandoned them, so they went looking for him and of course because he was military they went after him and this is when he requested the DNA test. But he also bit her in the butt because he had papers that he requested housing for him and his family when he got to Fort Riley, KS and she refused to come there with him. There is a lot more to our story that I don't want to put out on the clothes line for everyone to see but it involves even more family members, but it isn't pretty and until they grow up they don't know what they are missing. My children still ask about their older sister and we have told them that her mom doesn't like dad and she has told their sister quite a bit of things that are not true and she can believe what she wants and if she wants to come around she will come around and until then we need to just let her be. They were ok with that and that was when they were 7 and 8. If you want to talk more my email address is ____@____.com if I do not reply right away please don't be upset I have found some emails go straight to junk mail and I check it here and there to make sure before I delete it.

Hope things work out for you.

I have an almost 14 year old step daughter. We have joint custody, but she comes every week with her sister from Wednesday to Saturday. She is also failing her classes and doesn't want to hang out with us either or want to say that we are her family. Treats her father really bad, but yet she never wants to go back to her mom's. Her mom has said stuff about us. She never calls, we got her a cell phone so she could. So, I feel your pain we have her every week and she still isn't with us. I just keep telling myself, that things will get better. As far as the other 2 kids, they are adapting. Just keep trying, if you need anybody to chat with, just let me know.

M.

Unfortunately, you can't force her to want to be a part of your family. As you said before, she was raised NOT to think of you as family and your hope that she would choose differently when she had the chance, isn't working out. I still think there is hope, but you may be looking at years from now and at that point, your children may be done with her as well. The teenage years are so hard anyway and as a teenager who had to deal with visiting her dad and her dad's new family, I didn't want to go either. It's not that I didn't love him or them, but I didn't even want to be around the family I had to live with let alone another one. It was just teenage attitude for me, but that may not be it in your situation. I know when I was a teenager, whenever my dad tried to push me to see him, I pushed harder to stay away. Of course, we have a great relationship now, but that came after many years. You can obviously try to force her to see you guys, but you may make her more adamant about not seeing you. I hope that eventually she works this out and is able to accept and love both of her families.

My father left when my parents divorced when I was four, and I dealt with a lot of anger issues in my teens because of it. And that was with out people bad mouthing my dad around. My suggestion would be to have your husband write her a letter and tell her how he is feeling. Have him be as honest as possible, and not to say anything bad about her mom. I am sure that she still loves him and is just so hurt-by the lies and the distance that she does not know how to cope. Is there any way she can go to summer school in your town and the high school there will accept that? I would keep on trying. Be honest and be prepared for misplaced anger and just remember to treat her with love. I think all of this needs to come from your husband first. When that relationship is fixed as much as it can be-then you and your kids can work on building one also. I will be praying for you and your family!! I pray that god will soften her heart towards her dad and you and the kids. I also pray that she will believe the truth when she hears it.

Hi M., I am the parent of a 15 yr. old daughter and I just wanted to say that you might just have to put the invitation out there and let her decide what she wants to do. My daughter doesn't like to be in situations where she is uncomfortable, especially when it comes to family matters. Since your step daughter did not grow up with you she might just be really uncomfortable, you might work on getting her father to do the asking and leave the ball in his court. She might be more comfortable coming over when she is a little older and maybe for more frequent and short visits. I have 3 step children and I know that it is very important to keep all the children happy and be supportive but sometimes it's hard to accomplish this. Maybe you guys could visit her if that would make it easier. Teenagers are a difficult breed, I know this because I have 4 of them, as well as a 5 and 9 yr. old. Teenagers are more stressful than 2 yr. olds!!!
Good Luck with this and just keep the door open.
M. B.

The 15 is a difficult age. Is there maybe some jealousy there? How close was she and her dad before you guys got married? Is Dad calling or you? I sure it seems one sided but keep sending emails, calling and remembering birthdays and most of all pray! Who knows what she is hearing on the other end. Hang in there!!!!

One thing that you do is keep the lines of communication open. Many parents sabotage relationships with the other parent. Unfortunately they don't realize or care that they are depriving their child of something great. Especially for girls who derive their self esteem from their fathers. Make sure that your husband is the one calling and contacting her the most. You can still email her. Have him broach the tough subjects with her about the importance to him of really knowing and loving his daughter even if she lives away. Teenagers feel terrible most of the time anyway! (hormones and all) They act like they don't care or aren't listening but they do. The most important thing is for you two to be consistent. Keep reaching out, keep providing a opprotunity for her to come. I know because I had step children who lived in town and wouldn't come over. One has a great relationship with us and the other does not and they are in their 30's now. We didn't have a great relationship with one until he turned 21 and lived away from his mother. By that time our consistency and his age allowed him to see that it was o.k. for him to love us and be a part of our family. (despite the fact that his mother and siblings consider him the traitor)
If you are a praying person, I believe that God can heal all wounds and give you a wisdom in dealing with every situation. If you haven't already, call on Him and see what transpires. He knows about it anyway.

To me it sounds like excuses. My brother went thru the same thing and his wife put her foot down and said if they are paying child support then they WILL see him. So you may want to talk to your lawyer and see what your legal rights are. If you are paying child support and aren't seeing your step-daughter then maybe you could stop payment or cut down the payment. In my brother's case it was the mother brainwashing her son against my brother and his wife. It sounds the same with your step-daughter, especially if she knows she'll be in school next summer, when she hasn't even gone thru the school year yet. Find out what your rights are and then act on them. My brother's judge finally told his ex-wife to stop talking bad and to make him go...now my brother and his wife have a really good relationship with his son. Good Luck and God Bless.

Iam sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your question but i think about it every day. I am very busy with my three children myself. I am the mother of a son who lives with me and his father was granted visitation every other holiday and summertime also. My son has been doing this visitation schedule off and on, mostly on, since the age of 2 years old. He is now 12. Looking at this situation from the other side is quite different. Although I can very easly understand your frustration. My son has never really like going to his dads but I am sure that he had fun once he got there. He gets terrible home sick and hates that he misses out on family reunions in the summertime, waking up on Christmas in his room with his stuff, and misses sporting events (he is very big into athletics) etc.
I do think that his dads family loves him very much and miss him too. He has 3 siblings that live with his dad. But I also understand my sons feelings of being made to go. He is now getting to the age were he wants to spend more time with friends, on the computer and everything else that a preteen enjoys doing. Even though his dads family loves him and he knows this, the fact is is that he was raised in one place with certain rules, morals and values, and it is hard for any body especially children to change for a week or a month to a different place rules, values and morals. He will always call moms house his home, and sorry for any hurt feelings on anyones side.
As long as she know she is welcome in your home at anytime and that she knows your family loves her that is all you can do.
For your children you must be truthful with them and just keep explaining that your step daughter lives with her own mom but you guys love her and miss her. They will eventually understand.
All blended family situations are hard, I come from one and have one of my own.
I wish you the best of luck.
N.

a 15 year old is just a child. you need to talk with the mother and tell her this is not healthy or fair. summer school happens in your town, sign her up, your visitation is legal so get your summers and let this girl know how much her siblings need her!

How long have you been in the picture? How much do you REALLY know about the beginning of her life? My sons father walked out on us 7 yrs ago, and for seven years, I have begged him to make our son a part of his "new life", to no avail of course. I am sure of one thing, I am sure that his wife does not know the real story. I'm sure that she thinks that I won't let them have a relationship, which could not be farther from the truth. You may know the whole story, but maybe you don't. Try to look at it from her point of view.

I grew up with divorced parents and I remember feeling torn between the two of them, especially since it was always like the Spanish Inquisition. Dad and step-mom always wanted to know the dirt on mom and step-dad and vice versa. I also used to get upset that I missed so many friends activities on the weekends because of having to go visit my dad in another state. There was jealousy when my dad had his own children as well. In my eyes they were getting everything that I wasn't since my dad was far better off financially than my mom. Had I thought to just ask dad for things I know now that he would have provided them. My step-mom was quite over-bearing as a child as well. At about 12 or 13 I decided that I didn't want to visit anymore...too much of an inconvenience and I wanted to do my own thing. In addition, I demanded that all of my things from my dad's be shipped to my mom's house. My dad and step-mom never missed a holiday or birthday. They never gave up on me. They showed they cared regardless of how I treated them. Once I graduated from high school things began to chance and I started wanting the relationship with my dad. I still went through some selfish points in my life regarding our relationship but now we have a great relationship. I don't have the relationship with my brother and sister that I would like but we are working on it. Bottom line...treat her as if you saw her on a daily basis. Love her despite herself. It can be really tough when the other parent is trying to sabotage but kids aren't stupid. It may take a while but she will see that you are there for her and care about her. As much as it hurts now she will eventually come around. I also agree with providing her alternate solutions around summer school. Maybe she can come and spend a shorter period of time before or after summer school starts. My step-mom was always good at helping us see another side of things. Sometimes it was irritating but as we grew up it helped us to think things through a little more. Good luck!

Is this the first summer she is coming? If so, then she may be uncomfortable with "change". And her mom may be negative about her dad- so that makes it even harder for her to want to come. She may need some 'counseling" with her and her dad- to work out the issues she seems to have against him and your family.
Find a high school where you live and enroll her in summer school for what ever subject she needs.
she's the child here- she doesn't get to make the decisions all the time. If a judge ruled that she's supposed to come for the summer- she should come- even if its for a shorter period.
also make sure she has a way to make freinds with others her age while at your house- so she doesn't feel to isolated. that might help.
See how this summer goes, and then decide about next summer. After that- its up to her to realize her dad and you DO care about her, and want her as a part of your lives. If you force it TO much it might make it worse.. she may just need to want to know her dad and "other" family and that may take some time. but for this year- she's still the kid, and she doesn't always get to pick what she gets to do.
Good Luck!!!

Well, I am going to respond from the possible viewpoint of your stepdaughter, as her situation is very similiar to my own. My father and mother were never married either. My father left my mother when she was six months pregnant with me, and she was left to struggle as a single parent. My father did wind up marrying another woman, and being a husband and father to her and her children. As you can imagine, that wasn't easy to deal with when I was a kid and teenager. I watched my mom struggle to raise children all alone, all because my father was selfish, and not ready to be a husband and father when I was born...but lo and behold, he can do it for another woman and another family just fine. I'm 28 years old now and it still bothers me; I have real issues with my father over this. Now, that may not be the case in your situation, but it's possible your step-daughter feels similiar to how I did, and still do. I like my step-mother; she is very nice and treats me well. But it doesn't change the fact that I have issues with the past (none of which she has control over) which have left me feeling uncomfortable with whole "step family" situation. Your step-daughter may feel, as I did, that she should stay close to her mother over her father because she is caught in the middle, the odd man out from this new family you and this man have created.
If I were you and her father, I would ask her what her feelings are when it comes to this whole situation, and respect her feelings whatever they may be. She may not have been very pleased about the court ordered visitation; I would have been extremely angry to be forced to go to my father's home if I didn't want to. The view for the "step child" is often very different than it is for the parents. You sound like a loving and caring step-mother, and that is wonderful...but you really ought to find out her thoughts on this whole thing.

I'm sure she's going through a lot of conflicting feelings and unfortunately, teenagers are not the most thoughtful or tactful bunch. My advice would be to continue to ler her know that your family is there for her, but don't pressure her to spend time with you, as that may only make matters worse by putting additional pressure on her. Explain to your son that his big sis is experiencing some difficult feelings right now and allow him to call and write to her to try to establish a bond with her. This isn't a situation you want to force on her. She has to want to be with your family or any time you spend together is going to be miserable.

My advice would be to give her space and allow her to come to you guys when she's ready. Remember that adolescence is one of the hardest times for most people. Adolescence is also a time for rebellion. When I was a teenager, the more "adults" pushed me to do something, the more I dug my heels in "at them." Immature yes, but also pretty common for teenagers. Teenagers want to feel like they have some power in this world and they're doing everything they can to establish their own identity - separate from their families. I really didn't want anything to do with my family until about age 20/21 and even that was very minimal at the time. Throughout my teenage years, I only wanted them if I needed them for something. By the time I hit my mid 20's that had all changed and I've been really close to them since. I came around, without them pushing me to. They always just let me know that they were there, without putting me through guilt trips or making me feel "obligated" which probably would have backfired with me. Anyways, I would suggest letting the relationship be on her, in her own time and in her own way. Trying to force a teenager to do something will probably end up backfiring. I also wouldn't take it personal. It was never personal with me and my family. I just really struggled throug my teenage years and cared a lot more about my peers than the "adults" in my life. Good luck.