Thoughts/ Opinions Towards Child Not Wanting to See Their Mother.

As one stepmom to another, you are doing a great job! You will get no slamming from me either!

This is a tricky situation. I also agree with your thoughts on setting her up with a counselor, she will benefit by being able to talk to a neutral 3rd party.

Part of me thinks that you could inform her of her ability to ask a judge to end her visitation, but she *must* know that that would require her to stand up in a court of law and proclaim to the world (and her Mother) that she no longer wishes to visit her Mom...which is a hard and traumatic thing for any one to do, let alone a teenage girl. You might want to float this idea by dad and see if giving her this *option* might, just might squash any ideas she has about doing so. When laid out like this, she might just see the error in going this route. It is very dramatic and seems very final, ya know?

Knowing myself, I am pretty sure I would (if she were my stepdaughter) reassure her that she is NOT a bad person by choosing, at this stage in her life, to not follow any one religion. I would however encourage her to play 'lip service' to her mother for the time being. She is only a mere 3 short years away from being 18y/o and an adult that no longer HAS to go to required weekend visits. For the sake of keeping the peace, it might just be worth her while to 'suck it up' so to speak and go to church/temple/whatever they call it, while at Mom's house and be done with it.

Her only other course of action is to be truthful with her Mom, for her to have a sit down conversation with her Mom and explain that she is putting to much pressure on her and that it is doing harm to have to listen to the 'you are being a bad person' lectures every time she comes over. She could tell her Mom that she really trying to have a good relationship with her and enjoy their time together but in all honesty that she, the Mom is making it very difficult...and quite frankly it is making her NOT want to come over. Maybe the Mom will back off a bit? heck, maybe she will be mean and tell her she doesn't have to come anymore if that is how she feels? Who knows?

~I can 100% put myself in your shoes. My husband's Ex is Mormon and my stepsons have had to listen to their Mom bash their father and I (and even my in-laws) b/c we are not 'righteous' enough and how we have all been given the opportunity to accept the 'one true' religion and how we have not chosen the correct path and how we will NOT be in heaven with them. This is a harsh things for lil' kids to hear. My SS's are now 21 and 18 and neither of them have chosen to go on missions and follow their Mother's religion and I believe whole-heartedly it is straight up a direct result of their Mother's pushing and bad mouthing all these years...b/c only god knows that both their father and I have said NOTHING negative about their Mom or their religion...other than it is 'not for us'.

Hard spot you are in...but you are doing great and will figure it out. As they say...this too shall pass! I know it is a cliche...but it is one for a reason, b/c it's totally true. Honesty is my best and only policy. Talk with your SD and let her know that this might seem like a HUGE deal right now....but that she WILL look back on this, sooner rather than later and realize that it is going to be OK. When you are a teen *everything* seems like a 'life or death' situation...the best thing you can teach your SD is that sometimes you just need to take a step back and breath and go with the flow until things pass!

Eventually your SD and her Mother will have to have a frank conversation about religion...and your SD will have to speak her truth, no matter how much it might hurt her Mother....and it is up to her Mother to get over it. Period. End of story.

Take her to family court and ask for a change in visitation patterns. Perhaps the every other weekend and wednesday night homework night might work better than the every weekend one for her. She would have more space. At 15 she should be able to speak up for herself and wishes respected in court.

You DO sound like a wonderful stepmom - no slamming here. I completely understand her father's wish (and yours too) that she spend time with both of her biological parents... but it sounds like the time with her mom is really damaging your stepdaughter. 15 is such a tricky age and she needs you and your husband to listen to her and value what she's saying. If she didn't like going because her Mom didn't let her stay out late or talk to her boyfriend on the phone, or makes her clean up, that would be one thing... but you're forcing her into an environment where she's told she's a bad person and isn't as worthy or good as her other siblings. That's a lot of negative things for a teenager to have to deal with.

Personally, I'd set up an appointment with a counselor ASAP and ask for that person's opinion on whether forcing her to go is doing real harm to your stepdaughter. From the outside looking in, it sure sounds like it is. And it sounds like you guys continuing to make her go could undermine the strong relationship you have with her.

She is old enough to decide, and their relationship will change and shift over time. Do set up the counselor thing. Having the third party is better all around and will help her figure out what is best for her. I think maybe she should talk to whatever custody attorney or rep that you have used, or find out what legally is the best way to go about her making the choice, and then step out of it. Let the daughter talk to the professionals, with support from you when she asks or when you see the need, and let her choose her path.

Just because someone gave birth to you, doesn't mean they are a good parent.

I'd go the counseling route. Although the divorce situation may exacerbate things, the problems your step daughter is having with her mom are not exclusive to children of divorce. There are plenty of parents who play favorites or use their children as nannies and housekeepers and there are a great deal of parents who try to force their religion on their children.

Good looking our for your daughter. You don't have to set something up with a counselor (since it seems you are hesitant to because of your husband maybe not wanting that) but she can seek our her counselor at school. She will have that third person to talk to and they can help facilitate whatever is deemed necessary.

You should talk to your husband and tell him that while you agree that she needs to spend time with her mother, she shouldn't be harassed for her religious choices nor be used simply as a babysitter or other chores. It is reasonable for her to watch her siblings sometimes and help with housework. Maybe he and your daughter can speak to her mom together...he should be there to insure that she is heard but your daughter (since she's 15 not 5) should be the one to speak up "Mom, I love you and want to visit with you but I don't want to always hear a lecture about my religious choices. If you want to give me information and knowledge of your religion it is one thing but putting me down for not sharing your belief is not ok. It makes me not want to visit."

I think your step-daughter is crying out for help. If her mother really thinks that treatment like this will make her follow a particular faith, she's very wrong. She may end up being an atheist.

Your husband needs to have a strong talk with his ex about this. Her weekend home should not be all about forced indoctrination and indentured servitude. If her mom is only using her, she will totally lose her in 3 short years, maybe even less.

You know, your step-daughter may very well seek out legal counsel and ask for a judge to change terms of visitation if your husband doesn't do something here to help his daughter. It's wonderful that you are listening to her. But listening is not enough. Honor thy father and mother will only go so far. You cannot make her respect her mother if her mother is not worthy of it.

Everley's post is a really good post - she gives you really good advice. And as far as the typical teen angst is concerned, like Everley, I don't think that what you are hearing from her is typical. If she is being treated like a heathen Cinderella, that's not something that a loving family does, step-mom/mom/friend. Her mother isn't acting like a mother, you see. She's acting like a tyrant, and your step-daughter will one day blame you and her father for making her go through it, if you don't do something to put a stop to it.

Please stop only looking at the honor thy mother and father thing. We don't live in ancient biblical times and it applies only if her mother IS acting like a mother figure.

Good luck,
Dawn

I believe that if a 12 year old child is able to go to the judge and tell their side of the story and be able to stop seeing a parent then a 15 year old is old enough to decide to limit her contact with a parent.

I do appreciate your, and your husbands, stance though. So seeing a therapist about this, even if it's just for a few months, will help her get to the root of her feelings.

Please allow this person to advocate for your child. If they say she needs to be allowed to chose then you must be willing to follow through with this.

This may mean she never sees mom again and you'll both have to face the emotional consequences from mom but if she's really treating her like she is saying then mom doesn't deserve to see her and have free babysitting and basically a servant.

I second everything Everley said. I've been a stepmom to two for 27 years and I know how hard that role is, so congrats to you for building a great relationship with your stepdaughter.

I also believe that getting a meeting set up with a counselor is the next step. She needs someone removed from the situation to talk to. Be sure that you and her father feel comfortable with the counselor you choose, also. They should include you both in what is happening in the sessions but allow her some privacy, too, to share her side of this situation.

At age 15 or 16, most judges/courts will listen to their wishes as far as visitation schedules, also. Both my step kids lived with us 100% of the time by ages 14 & 16 based on their strong wishes.

Somewhere in the middle of the conversations your SD is having with you is the truth. I would set up the consult with the counselor and take her. Let her talk till her heart is healed. If she needs to have visitation changed so be it -- change it.

It is not like she is three or eight she is 15. The court will let her talk and explain herself.

Be thankful that she didn't go the route that her brother has about the hate thing. She sounds like a wonderful person and you have filled in the spot of "mother/mom" in her life.

It takes a special person to be a step mom and a foster person and you are doing both at the same time. Bless you!!

The other S.

PS Keep the door open for her and she will be there forever.

Unfortunately some religious zealots think freedom of religion applies only to them. I do not know if you have grounds to get the courts involved but it's worth a try. These kids are both old enough to decide which religious practices they wish to follow. It might be a good idea to talk to a family law attorney to see if a custody/visitation study, including counseling is in order. If you can get a court order telling the Mom that while she can talk about her religious beliefs to her children, she cannot push her veiws on them. The children have the right to decide for themselves.

If this doesn't work then explain to the kids that yes it is annoying but once they are 18 they can decide how much time they wish to spend with their Mom. The boy has less than 2 years and the girl less than 3 years and they are 18 and do not have to visit Mom again until they are ready. For a teen that sounds like a long time but in reality it isn't very long.

Since laws differ in each state only an attorney can really advise you on this. Some states allow the kids to decide at 16 whether they go to visit the absent parent or not.

She is old enough to make that decision for herself I think. If you feel she needs to maintain the relationship perhaps they can meet on neutral ground - lunch date on Saturdays? Walk in the park on Sundays? Something neutral where its a limited time and just the two of them? Doesn't sound like a place I would want to go!