Stepdaughter Stealing from Siblings

Hi K.,
I hear a lot of resentment towards your step-daughter in your email but I don't sense much compassion. It seems to me that she really, truly deserves less of the former and more of the latter. Your step-daughter had her dad for what? a whole year before his attention was diverted to you and your new baby? It's not her fault that she's now relegated to being second-tier. You and your husband, as the adults who created these children and their realities, should also take responsibility for your part in creating your step-daughter's less than ideal world. If I were in her situation as a teenager, you would have a lot more to worry about than a few stolen items of make-up. Her passive aggressive stab at making a statement seems quite tame and measured. Why not count yourself lucky that she's not burning down the house in anger and frustration? She admitted she doesn't know why she did it (a futile attempt to steal back some power maybe??)and her mother tells you that jealousy is a factor and these are important pieces of information. Why not take a bigger picture of your family situation and see who the real winners are. Hint: Not her. Maybe then you can cut her some slack and go to the heart of the issue instead of focusing on a false sense of righteousness. Peace, B.

WOW, it sounds like she is really crying out for attention and LOVE. I think it would be a great idea to have Father/Daughter dates with just her and her Dad. I also think that you should try talking to her as a family, letting her know the families feelings and letting her know that she is loved, but that she is hurting the people that love her, allow ALL of you including her to share your hearts with eachother, you never know more may come out than just this issue. I think it would be nice too if you guys did a family shopping trip were each of the girls gets a set amount to spend and they buy what they would like and you do it together as a family

My daughter went through a stage when she was around 13 of shoplifting whenever she was at her dad's house. A store owner caught her and scared the be-jeezus out of her, so she fessed up to me. Like your step-daughter, she said she didn't know why she did it.

What I learned while trying to understand her behavior and how to help her change it, is that at it is often an expression of anger. Does your step-daughter steal any place else?

I had her do an online course to try to understand where this urge was coming from, and see a therapist. I did NOT condemn her - rather treated it as an illness, and a sign that she was deeply unhappy.

Once she understood why she was doing it, we made some changes - she was really mad at her dad, and she was mad that she had to go to his house every other weekend, 25 miles away, away from her friends,with no real space of her own, with no life of her own there - to see a dad who didn't use this time to spend any special time with her.

So, I hope there are some kernels in my daughter's story that can help you and your family figure this out before it destroys your relationships. Sounds to me like she is an angry young woman.

It sounds like your step daughter is in a lot of pain. She may feel like she is in second place in your house and misses the attention she once received from her father. Is she treated the same in every way as your two girls?

If your daughters do have more material items then her mother can afford to buy for her maybe you or better yet, her father could take her shopping from time to time. Make her feel like her fathers house is her house too.

My parents divorced when I was 12. When I was 16 my father married another woman and they had two children. I was always made to feel like I did not belong in their home and that I was from a different family. I put myself through college, when my step sisters got a free ride. They got new cars, I bought my own. To this day, my father sneaks to call me. I still feel like an unwelcome guest in their home. His wife never liked the fact that he had children before she came into the picture. I can not tell you how much I missed having a relationship with my father and still do.

Your step daughter is not a bad child. She is acting out emotions she is not capable of dealing with in a constructive manner. You may benefit from family counseling.

Whatever you do, please look into your heart to love her as you do your own children. You have the power to help her turn into a healthy, happy, adult.

Jen

Hi K.!

First of all....all of us women have been 14 and 15 years old before, and KNOW how difficult that age can be for anyone! No Matter how great our parents were, it was still difficult to be 15!

But you are being "double-whammy'd" with this age AND a part-timer in your house. Of course she is old enough to know better, but that certainly isn't going to stop certain behaviors, because when you're 15 every action is based on emotions, and "common sense" has temporarily moved out of your brain!

Sure your stepdaughter is jealous, and you've already been told that fact by her own mother. I'm sure it's not an emotion that you were intentionally trying to bring out of her. She's jealous because she thinks YOUR kids have something more than she does. She's feeling like THEY are more important than HER.

If it were my situation (and it was), This is what I would do again....after I found the stolen items like you did, I would actually take them out and hide them from HER. Then, I would invite her to a 1-on-1 shopping trip with me to buy the items she stole from my daughter. DON'T tell her that you "know" about her taking the other items. Just find a way to strike up a conversation about wanting to take her to Walmart (or whereever). I would tell her that "it's been a long time since we've done something like this together, and you probably need some new makeup and stuff. I have $20, let's go get some new colors for you"...try to find the things she stole, and say "oh about this this"....etc...again..never tell her that you know, just let her "honest heart" go through the guilty process.

Then, after she's left your house, and gone back to her mom's, put the make up BACK in your daughter's drawer, as if nothing happened in the first place.

I've had a stepdaughter for 13 years, and have had similar problems. I'll be honest, I felt very "wicked" in a sense, but I never told her that I knew she was stealing. Even to this day I've never told her and she's 22. She'll figure everything out for herself one day. I did it to protect the kids from "eachother". Even though my stepdaughter THOUGHT she was stealing, my child never knew. After I spent a little "quality time" with my stepdaughter, and bought her things she THOUGHT she needed, the stealing stoppped.

All she really needed was to feel just as IMPORTANT as my other kids that her dad and I shared. So, once I focused on that issue, rather than the stealing, it worked itself out.

Being a stepmom is so hard each and everyday. There really should be a "college course" now-a-days about blending families!!!

She's only a part-time visitor in your house right now, which makes her feel LESS important than she actually is to you. She's not mature enough to simply understand that you love her because she's your husband's daughter. When she visits, you need to find something SHE'S proud of to bring out in conversation around your kids to sort of "show her off" every now and then. By doing this, you will begin to emotionally connect with her, and she will begin to "loosen up" in your home, and not feel so "less than" because YOU are making her feel important.

You never know, it could turn out like my situation. Today, my stepdaughter confides in me with her "serious matters". I'm like her "practice parent". She will come to me with ANYTHING and ask me for advice, first. I created a "connection" between us when she was younger, and that created a bigger bond of trust than I never expected.

All I wanted to do was to make her more self-confident and loved in our home, without effecting the other kids. It takes a LONG TIME to get through this, maybe up to a year, but the results can be everlasting.....

Good Luck K.. I'll be thinking of you.

:o) N.

I have two sisters... two of us lived with Dad, Stepmom and her 2 boys... the youngest lived with Mom. Regardless of blood or step-relation each person had some personal space for their things in the house even though we doubled-up rooms during her visits. Yes, my youngest sister felt like a guest in the house because she was... and she was held to the same standards you would hold any guest. If you had a guest in your home and they stole from you would you invite them back after they continued to do so... no. Explain that very matter-of-factly and add that because you and your husband love her so much you cannot continue to allow such behavior. She needs to come clean to her siblings and they need to feel comfortable with her visits. You unfortunately cannot rely on her mother to discipline her or get her any therapy... it's all on you. Her father has a right to request counseling through her school... they can refer her out or do it on-site. Also, his or your employer might offer an EAP... employee assistance program... with family counseling included. If you both have it find a counselor who accepts both providers so you get 2x the typical number of sessions. It should be free of charge and is worth every penny. Your step-daughter will eventually realize you cared more than her own mother if you are serious about this matter... it is a trust and respect-building exercise and she's lucky to have such a diligent 2nd Mom. She has the opportunity to put this behind her, heal emotional rifts, and grow into a wonderful woman under your care. Let her know by your actions and words that even though she's under your care part-time she's in your hearts and thoughts 24-7.

Oh boy I can see this one coming in a few years. I have the same set-up, only the kids are younger (2,8,9, & step-daughter every other weekend is 10). I think the step-child does get jealous, simply because it is so obvious to them you are a family, even when they are not there. My SD does a lot of acting out for attention and is never held accountable by her mother for any of it. I understand that there are emotional issues that go along with divorces and blended families, but that does not excuse bad behavior or nullify punishment. My 8 and 9 year-old are from my first marriage, so they have divorce/blended family issues too and are not excused from acting badly because of it.

If this type of stealing were to go on in my home I would let her know I would be inspecting her bags and jacket before she leaves each time. I would also give my daughter a safe place to keep some of her more attractive items when the SD visits. (Maybe she could keep her make-up and jewelry in your room for the weekend.) I would explain to your children that you have no control over how she is disciplined by her mother, but that you will assist & protect them to the best of your ability if their rights are violated. And I would tell your SD that if the stealing continues, you will ask that her visits with her dad no longer take place in your home. I know this sounds harsh, but she needs to "get" that this is serious behavior. Counseling can be obtained by going to court if her mother won't agree to it. Although, it will most likely be up to the mother to get her to the appointments.

I realize a lot of other people had "softer" perspectives in your situation, but I don't know that any of them live with a visitation situation. It is as hard on the rest of the family as it is on the visiting child. My daughter has her bedroom invaded every other weekend by someone who hits, scratches, and calls her names. It's not easy on anyone and we all just do the best we can.
Best of luck to you.

I'm sorry your husband's ex won't consider counseling-- as a therapist, I think it would help a lot. Given that you are on your own to solve this, I'd try this-- sit down with your step-daughter, explain how much you enjoy her visits, and how you must keep the other girls (try to avoid 'but I...' as 'but' will negate everything you've just said. Also avoid 'my girls' which will only reinforce her feeling not part of the family safe. Then ask if she has any ideas on how you can keep the other girls and their belongings safe. She may surprise you. You (or your husband, if he is more comfortable with this conversation) should also ask if she steals from anyone else-- she may have a compulsion that needs serious treatment. Good luck!

Please have some compassion for this girl. SHE LOST HER FATHER and the opportunity to have the family that your daughters have. She needs to feel part of your family and have the same quality of love at least from her dad. Having a dad at home is what can make you feel secure in this life. I don't know what I'd be if I did not have my dad at home as a little girl. Maybe I'd be an angry and resentful person, or even something worse. All little girls (and boys too) need the presence of the father (and mother of course) to develop self love and confidence.
Loving and accepting her, will only make your whole family happy. She is only the victim of a torn family.
Sorry, this is my opinion.

She IS jealous. She is stealing because her home is broken and then she comes into this home where (at least to her eyes) everything is perfect and your two kids have everything (two parents). She probably does not consciously know why she does it. I STRONGLY do not believe kids in her situation should be punished. That is just adding punishment to the punishment she has already received by her parents breaking up, and that was not her fault. Why do people not understand that divorce BREAKS KIDS' HEARTS?! She has been traumatized!

Yes, let her know matter-of-factly that you know she stole things and any time you catch her stealing calmly call her on it, and tell her also matter-of-factly that it is not kind to steal from other people, and that you expect that she will not do it any more. Then instead of punishing her you can buy her something special just for her, to make up in a tiny way for the thing that has been TAKEN FROM HER - her FATHER, not some silly makeup.

If you want to create a good, whole, self-confident, loving person out of her you will NOT punish her for this. Be understanding instead.

She does know better, but she is trying to tell you something. She was just a few months old when her dad decided to start over with an 18yo and abandon her and her mom. Now she sees you and her sisters having a life with him that should have been hers. She isn't the one that needs counseling - the adults in her life need counseling to see which techniques they can use to minimize the pain their selfish choices have caused her. The fact you mention her weight and you compare her as less desirable to your own "thin" daughter..... You need to be aware that she knows this with or without you telling her.

Try calling Dr. Laura the radio show for some advice.

I don't mean to be harsh, but what has happened/is happening to this precious little girl breaks my heart! I have 5 children with no dad and I could only imagine their pain if they had to visit their dad every other week and see him being a dad to other children and not them! It has to be very hard for her - she is trying to take a little of her dad.

As a Christian I can only turn to what God has to say on these issues. The best biblical advice that I have discovered for my family comes from Michael and Debi Pearl. They have a great overall book called 'To Train Up a child' It is purely scriptural and they seem to have the best Godly advice for dealing with these issues. It talks about training your children v. discipline and how to deal with step children issues as well. The greatest little book! It helped me tremendoulsy with my first son when he was 2. It has been pricless in dealing with individual/sibling problems and behavioral issues publicly and privately. All the concepts can be applied & work great even for non-christian homes.

Being a part time daughter is very hard. Competing for Dad's attention is rough. This may be her way of acting out. Coming from a split and then blended family I can tell you it's not fair, to any of the children. I wish for once that people, especially mothers, can recognize that and not put all the blame on the neglected, sad child(ren). Take some responsibility for some of her frustration and sadness. It's obvious that your daughters come first.

K., I have had this similar experience with siblings and also with foster children. First I set up an allowance for the kids, with a chore list to earn extra if they wanted to purchase extra things. It is not really a disciplinary issue, at 15 a child is looking for role models, she is snooping and stealing because she is trying to identify and gain her self esteem, She sees that your daughter is very thin and very pretty, thus she wants to identify and receive same praise, I would encourage you to let both girls go shopping together for makeup and let them experience that they might have different shades or different tastes in makeup. if one child is allowed to do it then the other child feels left out. I once took my daughter,daughter in-law and foster daughter to an all day special treatment for them, it was not too expensive. I let them all get haircuts (they need them periodically anyhow), then went to makeup section in mall and let the sales clerk show them what shades works best for them, then you go to walmart and find their shades at a much cheaper price. If the girls are allowed to do this together it makes them feel special and there is no jealosy about materialistic items, chances are they might want to share their new items. I found that my daughter was always eager to share and show new kids how to use and apply makeup and/or any girlie things. Chances are shes stealing them or rummaging because she is feeling left out. I am alittle concerned about your comment about her rummaging, if she is your step child then she should be able to feel free to rummage its her space too. if you are not allowing her to have her own space or privacy in the bathroom. then you need to set a space for her things. I always told my girls that if their special shampoos were left in the bathtub/shower then its fair game, they had their own cubbys for their makeup hairties, jewelry etc. but I found that if one daughter offered to help the other with makeup, or asked their opinion on a certain shampoo, this was including the other child in teaching to share.

Hi K.,
My daughter was caught stealing from my husband and I about 3 years ago. It was happening over a months time and we both thought we were going crazy not knowing where our money was going. About a month later we found about $300 in my daughters wallet and she was going to give it to her dad since he was always saying he didn't have any money, due to giving it all to me (child support).
Her father was no help in this area and did come clean to taking the money that my husband and I were missing the month prior. My ex told us he thought it was our daughters money and didn't think to call me and ask when she had so much money ($200) with her. I ended up putting her through counseling and that helped her understand what she did was wrong and she promised to never do that again.
Three years later we are under another battle and she will go through counseling again. I'm a huge believer in counseling and I think your step daughter should also see one. It will give her a chance to talk to someone and get out all her frustrations with her other step siblings.
Good luck

I know this is an old post, but I found it today as I was looking for some advice on step-parenting. I hope that you have been able to find a solution to this problem with you SD. In my opinion, she needed to be held accountable for her actions. She needs to learn stealing is wrong and there are consequences for it, no matter what she has gone through or is going through. In the real world, a court is not going to care that she is stealing because she is sad, jealous or needing attention...she will still be punished. It's also not fair to your other girls if your SD gets by with stealing their things.

I don't know your story, it seems some of the people who have replied do. But, just by calculation, your first daughter was born when your SD was around a year old. To me, this means your SD has been in your life since before she can remember and she has never known a family life with her father different than what she has now. I read one reply that tries to excuse her behavior because "SHE LOST HER FATHER". That really caught my attention. From what I gather, her father is alive and a part of her life the way he has always been. My son LOST HIS FATHER...literally. His father died. I would NEVER allow my son to use his father's death as an excuse to behave poorly or to commit criminal acts. Nor do I believe anyone should allow their children (step or bio) to use divorce or blended family or whatever as an excuse.

Another thing I read in the replies is that she is jealous of your other girls. I can see how this can be true. There is a natural sibling rivalry in most regular families, and often it's worse in blended families. Some of the replies want to defend your SD because of the situation she is in. I know that it is hard to split time between parents and houses. But, it is not your other girls' fault that your SD has a broken family, just like it's not your SD's fault. If my child stole from me or any other family member in our house, he would be punished and I would check through his things on a regular basis until that trust had been rebuilt. This would be a good lesson for him AND for the other children. I would use this same course of action for my own SD, as well.

I believe, too often, SKids get by with things because everyone feels sorry for them. This teaches them to be extra manipulative. They need to learn that no matter what your circumstances in life are, the rules and laws still apply to you! I could easily use my son's father's death as a way to let him get by with everything. But I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH to do that! Every teacher has commented on how loving, sweet, sharing, compassionate, smart and well behaved he is.

K.
Can your husband get her into counseling?After all she is the product of both of them. Maybe she likes the environment at your house better and is taking things to remind her of being there. Yes, I agree a child that age should know better. And she should have some major repurcussions. She may not be jealous of your daughter, but of something else, like the attention from her dad to
your daughter, and the fact that your daughter gets the
attention 24/7 and she does not. Hope these suggestions helped. I grew up with a step sister that was spoiled rotten, and my dad never paid his cild support. SO, while everyone felt sorry for her, and she got 3 new coats per year, I was wearing the same coat for 3 years. It was so not fair, and I used to cry a lot over it. My sister was built like your step daughter, and I was built like the 14 year old. Today, we are still built the same way, and she
is very strange about family get to gethers, and usually tries to not attend them, and I have no idea why, and she won't say anything is wrong.
W.

It may or not apply, I didn't realize why my son stole from me for many years.

When my son was in 8th grade we put him in a private christian school. There he met a boy who has been his friend ever since. This boy introduced my son to drugs. My son started stealing from me after that. My son is now older but underage and that friend now buys him alcahol. This experience has been a nightmare. It has aged me fast. We are finally going to kick him out of the house the next time it happens. We have eached our end.

It may or may not apply. Myself I'd restrict her visits. If she ever steals again no overnite visit with her dad for 1 quarter/3 months. If she doesn't respect her dad and step family it will most likely get worse and who knows where it could lead. Children retaliate against family in horrible ways nowdays. I would always keep my eyes open around her. She is a thief and thieves don't care about you. Consequences have to be harsh as we have learned the hard way. Once again we are suffering more pain than my son will ever know or care about when he comes home drunk. It breaks my heart because at one time he was my beautiful blond blue eyed baby boy who listened to me.

If you can't do any of the above, at least when she is ready to go out the door back to her mom after a visit, have the mom, dad and your family all sit together in the living room with the girls luggage. Have the dad open and take out every piece of clothes in it. If he finds nothing than he should say that is nice that her visit ended on a good note. And that he loves her and as long as she treats her stepfamily with respect and not disrespect, they will love her too. (look in purse too and if she looks like she is consealing anything, look closely at her body check pockets etc.) If you find anything in or on her that she has stolen then her shame will be out there right then for all to share (and her mother would be right there to witness the theft and embarrasment)

Hi K.... I grew up in a foster home (one home for 4 years) and we had a lot of girls from all different walks of life come through our home and one in particular was a thief. She would steal very obvious things and my mom would call her out on it in a family meeting type situation, make her return what she took to the person she took it from and make her apologize. Not say, "I'm sorry", there's a clear difference between apologizing and saying "I'm sorry".
Maybe, just maybe the humility (so-to-speak) of making her admit that she did it and returning the item will break her ugly little habit. You can also tell her she doesn't leave with out a bag check. My mom ALWAYS went through the girls things before they left the house.
It's really hard to discipline when both parents aren't on the same page and I can see how it would be hard to explain to your girls why she "gets away with it" and they won't. When my daughter (who is 5) asks why someone else can do something she isn't allowed to I tell her that sometimes parents just don't agree with other parents about what is ok and what's not. Stealing is never ok and since your girls have experienced being stolen from, they're more likey to remember that feeling and not want to make someone else feel that way.
Good luck.

If she doesn't know why she does it, then she needs strong consequences for stealing.
I actually went through a stealing phase when I was about her age. I wouldn't have been able to tell you then why I did it, and even now I don't have a clear picture of why, except to say that it made me feel alive. It was exciting to try to get away with something you know is wrong. I stole a little bit from my older sister, here and there, nothing big, maybe some candy and small amounts of money. Mostly I stole from department stores. I remember stealing a $200 jacket from a really nice store. That was the biggest item - then my friends and I started to get scared because one of our friends got caught. So we stopped.
Then all of a sudden, I got the urge to do it again one time when I was 17. I was randomly at Longs and tried to steal some make - up. I don't know why - I had money to pay for it.
Anyway, I ended up getting caught by one of the clerks and the police came to pick me up. They called my Mom and she came down to the station. My Mom basically laughed at me and told me I was stupid. So not much of a punishment from her, but the cops made me do community service (picking up trash on the side of the road wearing a bright orange jacket - so embarrassing!) I also had to go to a couple of classes on morality.
Anyway, the whole thing was really awful, and even at the time I knew they were trying to scare/humiliate me out of stealing again, but ultimately it worked. I never stole again.
Anyway, I hope your step daughter doesn't have to go through this to learn. I think if my Mom had been more aware of what I was doing and punished me for it, that probably would've worked just as well.
I know its hard because ultimately you are not in charge of her. The good news is... usually its just a phase kids go thorough.
Good Luck.

Unfortunately counseling is the best and maybe only option I see here. It works!!! Looks like the girl has issues that really need to be dealt with. Is there any way the dad can force the issue, maybe even legally, ie court ordered? I know it sounds drastic, but she needs help.Good luck to your family.