Need Advice About Step Daughter

Well, she's been legally old enough to decide for herself whether she wants to come to your house for 4 years now. Is there someone MAKING her come?

Her father can have a relationship with her without her coming to your house.

:)

I've been in a similar position except it was my daughter who wanted out to go live with her dad. My advice to you is to leave her alone and let her stay at her mom's. She's 16 years old and can decide with whom she wants to live with. Don't give her negative behavior your attention. Focus your energies on your little ones and don't let her toxic behavior turn your house upside down. If you allow her to be in your house, she has to be nice to you. If she isn't, ship her to her mom's. It's a very high price for you and your family to pay if she's around and it causes problems in your household. I'm sure her mother's goal is to destroy her ex's life and your step daughter is too young and immature to realize this. She's being played. One day when step daughter is more mature, she may change toward you. If you don't engage her in this negativity, you deflate her. Eventually, her mother will reap what she has sowed also. Don't give into the drama.

Hey T., I can hear in your post that you truly care for your SD. No matter how much she pushes you away, I would remain a loving presence in her life. Step parenting is so hard but if you remain the wonderful caring mom you are, she will recognize this. Maybe not now but have faith that she will one day. I would let her know that you understand that her family situation is confusing. Talk it over with your hubby how to deal with her disrespectfulness. She can be angry, but she needs help showing it the right way. Your hubby as dad needs to lead the way with that part of things. There is a good book called The Smart Stepmom. It has lots of good ideas! Hang in there and don't give up on her!
Fellow Stepmom

Oh, once you mentioned the little ones, it became a little clearer. Your step-daughter is now competing with little ones for her daddy's attention. She is very angry and you can't blame her. Her life is not as she had envisioned and she doesn't know how to respond to it. When she says it's your personality, it's because she doesn't know why she is so angry or doesn't know how to express it. As one who went through what she is going through, I know it is very, very tough.

Next time you have a chance to say something to her, try something like this, "I know you are angry at me and I get it. I would hate me, too." If she acts like she wants to talk, you can continue by saying, "This is definitely not how you thought your life would turn out. I am so sorry that I have made it worse. Is there anything I can do to make it a little easier?" Be ready for any kind of response. Depending on how much anger has built up to that point, she may come out with a really awful response. Don't take it personally. She is angry with her parents but those are the ones who she loves the most so she doesn't want to be angry with them.

Whatever she says, just respond that you are so sorry and that you will try to make life easier for her. If she doesn't want to help with the little ones, don't make her. That just adds fuel to the fire. When she isn't forced to care for them, she will want to take care of them in time (they are her siblings).

Whatever she says, agree with her so that she sees that you are trying to listen and that you understand her pain. Imagine if you have to live in two different houses, go visit the person who, in her eyes, stands in the way of her having a perfect life, and act like everything is just fine... So just agree with what she says and don't make excuses, don't reprimand her for being honest, just be ready to say that you are sorry and ask if there is anything you can do. She is going to need this over and over so that she feels comfortable being honest. She will only continue to be disrespectful if she feels like you aren't listening (like if you want to punish her for cussing at you or something). I would just say, "I'm sorry. I would be angry, too." That will stop the cussing sooner than later.

Step parenting is difficult at best, but this is a very tough situation. There is no way to control how she is influenced outside your home. But you and your husband need to establish rules for when she's in your home, and they should include being polite and respectful to the adults. If she can't obey these rules and just wants to run to mom, there might not be anything you can do about it. It would depend on how the custody agreement/split is. Does your husband have the right to say - this is my time with you and you are staying here until its time for your mom to get you, and you will obey the rules of this house while here. If you can't say that, then she will be free to run away from the problem.

Its up to your husband to what rules he wants to set and what the consequences of breaking them in.

There's usually an age where the courts will take the child's interests into consideration, but it's not just "I don't want to come, you can't make me" most of the time. That misconception was drilled into my sks and their mother found out that no, she can't just decide custody on her own when they turn 12. They would need to go before a court. We were not doing anything different on a handshake agreement. I would not tell DH she can't come over (could bite him if it's in the CO) or that he can't see her. That's a choice he can make but not you. You can limit your interaction with her, but I wouldn't banish her myself. Disengage instead.

Anyway, it can be very hard when the child is acting more juvenile than the kids in the home. I've seen various responses. One was to have more one on one time with the biological parent, even if it wasn't a full weekend with the whole family. Another was that the child chose to not come and the biological parent essentially lost all contact (except when the mother decided to take it to court for more CS or something). Another was to get the child into counseling for whatever is going on.

I think what YOU need to do is address your concerns to DH. If your expectations are simply that she come and treat you with respect (even if that means spending the weekend in her room vs yelling at you) then he present that - because his daughter should not disrespect his wife, not because you tattled on her. I also think that it's not really you. It's your place. It's that you're there, her mom is not and her mom says nasty things. Look up Parental Alienation Syndrome. You could be anybody. It's not personal at the core. It's about HER and THEM.

Sixteen is also hard because they are very black and white. There's no gray. There's no convincing them they are wrong, that their mom is wrong or their peers are wrong. I had to stop discussions with my SS when he was 16 because he was just defending his point, no matter how wrong it was. So don't engage it.

If DH thinks he can get BM to agree, perhaps suggest counseling. Or call the school guidance office for their take.

You are allowed to not like her, too. It is very hard or impossible to love someone who doesn't love you. I care for SS, but he's made it clear I'm barely on his radar. If the child is allowed to have feelings, so are the stepparents, even if they are not all wine and roses.

You can't really "make" her like you; and she probably does but sounds like to me she's trying to show loyalty to her own mother, who you admit doesn't like you.

I think the next time she comes over, I would go into her room and sit down with her and very matter-of-factly tell her that you have the impression that she doesn't care for you; you have no idea what you have done to cause her to feel this way given that you used to have a good relationship; you would like to get back to that relationship so if she ever wants to talk, you'd love to sit down with her; BUT she is not an adult; this is YOUR home; she does not have to like you, BUT she has to treat you with respect. If she can't do that, then she and her dad will have to work out another visitation arrangement because you will not have her coming to the house and treating your disrespectfully, especially in front of the other children.

It's her choice how she is going to act; BUT she cannot choose for you that you have to put up with it.

She needs to learn NOW that she is NOT holding all the cards!

It's not easy being a step parent. I have two step children (well one is an adult now) and we have always had a great relationship. Yes the teen years are very challenging we finished with one teen and now my SD is starting her teen years.

What happened 4 years ago? Is that when you had children with your husband? Did you create an environment that included your SD as part of the family? Does your family treat her as a part of your family?

Since the first time I met my step kids (I was 7 months pregnant at the time) I have always treated them with love and respect and we became a family together. My SD was 7 at the time and I have always told her that we have just become a larger family. Things were hard for the kids since they were still dealing with the hurt of their parents’ divorce (the divorce was final for over a year before I met their father). Are there times when we disagree? Of course there are but that is also what happens in other families too.

When they are in our house (either living here or visiting) they know they have to follow our rules. They have never been nasty to me or their little sister about anything and if something comes up we all talk about it as a family.

You and your husband need to sit together as a family with her and talk about what is going on. Not talking will not solve anything. If she is truly unhappy there with you then her dad needs to visit with her outside of your home. I do suggest that you take a good look at yourself and how you (and your family) have been treating her, do not place ALL the blame on her or her mother. She and her mother may be reacting to you if you are treating her as an outsider. She is a part of your husband and when you marry someone that already has children it is a package deal.

Time for hubby to step up to the plate, have words with the ex, take his daughter aside somewhere and get in her face about it. While she's at your house, she is EXPECTED to show respect to all in the house. If that isn't possible, then she shouldn't be welcome until she can. Because it's causing concern as far as what the little ones witness.
Hubby is still the parent. He can call the shots. If you didn't have a warped personality before and got along, what suddenly made you drecky? Teen years are turbulent to say the least. Could be trash talk from girlfriends at school, could be her mom trash talking. Whatever it is it gets left at the door from now on. Why does she want to come over anyway if it's so unbearable? Dad needs to get answers out of her and get things resolved.

First off, thank you so much for the advice. I really appreciate it.
She spent a lot of time at our house and I believe we always made her feel a big part and important here and never an outsider. About 4 years ago, when my youngest was 1 and a little before that, she asked if we would go to court and if she could live with us full time. My husband at that time talked to her mother about things, because at that time her mother wasn't spending a great deal of time with her, and told her how my sd was feeling. Ever since then, almost immediately we seen a change in her.
During December everything was going great! We would have great talks and she had a Christmas party with friends, soon after Christmas it all went back to her not being able to look at me, not talking to me and just being rude if she did, for no reason. I understand the normal teenage behavior, but this just continued. Until one day her mom told my husband that her daughter does not like me and she doesn't have to come over if she doesn't want to. My husband asked my sd for reasons why and her response was she doesn't like my personality and she doesn't care.
He has taken her to dinner and to the movies and has stopped by over her house. My husband was on his way to get her and he wanted me to talk to her the other day. While he was in the room, I told her that we really needed to talk and she shut me down, still playing her ipod and just kept saying "we are not going to talk". I'm just confused by it all. She is nice to me when it's convenient but other than that, that's about it.