Advice from in Laws

I'm a 60 year old In-law.YOU ARE THE CHILD'S PARENTS AND THEREFORE HAVE THE FINAL SAY!
Grandparents really DO know a lot, but need to wait until they are asked). Each child is different. There are no pat answers. Sounds like you are getting it under control!

I've had a few problems with the in-laws, but none of them very severe. I've actually had more problems with my own mother going against my religious beliefs. She told me she was going to sneak my baby into the bathroom when I wasn't watching and baptize her herself. She also fed my children meat when we are vegetarians.

After talking nicely with her about it several times, I eventually had to tell her that she wouldn't be able to see her grandchildren unsupervised if she continued to go against my wishes.

I hope it doesn't have to come to that for you, but sometimes people can be very stubborn about sticking their nose where it doesn't belong. I wish you luck.

I can relate to your situation. My in laws were/are the same way. Mostly my mother in law. What I have come to learn is that no matter how many times I tell her, she does not get it. Her only child is now 31, they don't do stuff now like they did 31 years ago. I just have to keep telling her no. Sometimes I may come off as rude, but I don't try to be. She seems very stubborn and set her in ways. I would simply explain to them the research you have done and what you have decided as a family. Your right, it is your decision not the in laws decision. I also found that having my husband back me up when his mom was trying to force the water issue helped also. It can be tough, my son is 8 months and I am still telling my in laws no, no, no. Pick your battles, My mother in law thinks my son needs to wear a bib all the time, at first I argued that he does not and then I realized: It is doing my son no harm to have a bib on while we are at their house for a visit. (prevent drool on clothes is her reasoning). Constant reminders is all I can suggest and having your husband/boyfriend support you and speak with his parents. Good Luck

Times have changed so much from when they were new parents, and the advice that was given back then is very different from now. This will come up again and again-- from what to feed baby to whether you should let him cry it out to feeding him honey to putting him to sleep on his back or front.

As hard as it is, you just have to politely let them know that this is YOUR baby and you will be raising him the way that you, your husband and your doctor feel is best.

It is often much easier to say "The doctor says...." even if you haven't talked to him about that issue. You can find hundreds of doctors online who will tell you it's too early. That generation often will listen to doctors but they tend to feel like they know better than new moms. After all, they did raise at least one child and so they know they have experience that you don't. They don't realize that we have learned so much about babies in the past few decades.

Grandparents often say "we all did xx and our babies were fine." What they don't realize is that they weren't necessarily fine. Babies died mysteriously and it was called "crib death" (now called SIDS) and we now know that many cases were botulism from honey or other unpasteurized foods. We've seen SIDS drop by half since we started putting babies to sleep on their backs. We know that early solids can lead to allergies, which have skyrocketed and are a much bigger risk these days. We also know that those upset babies' tummies and back then it may have been written off as colic. We know 50 more health benefits from breastmilk that we were unaware of, and we know that it helps babies to have it much longer than they used to. And on and on.

Be firm and let your mama bear instincts take over here. You have to let them know from the start that you are in charge of your baby. He needs you to look after his best interests. It will help if you are educated on these things and can tell them why doctors now say to delay solids or whatever the issue is. www.askdrsears.com is a good web site with information about babies that is run by a doctor (and it's very baby-friendly).

It may also help to ask their advice on little things or have them help in simple ways, so they can feel important and looked up to. For instance, you could ask your MIL's advice on decorating the baby's area or something else where his health or happiness are not dependent on it.

Just follow your mama instincts and stick to your guns. They had their time to raise a baby and now this is yours. You are his mom, and your word goes. :)

Dont be polite, he's your son and they are wrong. Just tell them flat out to mind there business, I have had to do that with my in-laws and now they just know to stay out of it! Nobody has the right to tell you what to do with your son! It they cant listen and respect your decisions then dont leave him alon with them!!

Boy I feel for you! Mine tried to change my daughter's formula while we were out because they didn't believe she had acid reflux and told my neighbors I was just doing some thing wrong to make her cry. It took my husband telling them to let us raise our own kids for it to change at all. We still don't know as much- they raised 4 kids and know how to do it. but it has improved some over the past 2 years. Stick to your guns! A lot has changed in how to care for babies.

S.,
I'm sorry your in-laws are treating you this way. Apparently you know more about childcare than your father-in-law.It seems that of they trust their son, and they trusted him enough to marry you in the first place they should lay low and let you be the mom and him be the dad. It seem that if they have a suggestion that you should gracefully take it, say thank you then they should leave you alone. if things continue to get out of hand you should have your husband talk to them. This is not right.
I sure hope things get better for you. Good luck. P.

LOL Seriously your poor child wants some food and our parents did this for us...did we get ill/constipated, etc for our entire youth because they fed us early? No. My sons were on cereal a week after they got home and then moved right into baby food. Oh yeah, I never bothered with the whole thing were you introduce one food a week. How boring! You want your child to enjoy solids and encourage them to eat not spoil them on carrots cause they ate it everyday for a week. Your child will be fine, FEED HIM! :-)
Besides how many kids did they raise and this is your first one. Be willing to take their advice and use it once awhile. I find myself asking my mother all kinds of questions and I am on my third!

Angie B. is right on. Your in-laws way over-stepped their bounds by giving your baby water and cereal! They have no right to go against your wishes. My in-laws do similar things and really do not respect my husband and me. Now they are not allowed to babysit at all. Sad, but it's the only way to keep our son safe. They only see him when we bring him to their house and we have to be present the entire time.

Don't be polite. Tell them that you are the mother and you will decide when and what your son gets fed.

Trust me, every new mother goes through this at some point with someone significant in their lives, most of the time, t's easiest and sufficient to just smile an nod, maybe say "oh, really" or some other non commital phrase. However, If they are trying to force a behavior/product on you and your child, step up and remember that you are his mother and responsible for his well-being. You don't have to be hostile, but be firm, and you DON'T owe them an explanation, a simple, "well we've decided to...(fill in the blank)" is all that's necessary. And as was mentione before, have a good talk with your hubby to make sure he will back you up on the important issues.

Wow you have a lot of advice! If all else fails tell them that the national Pedeatrics Association recomends that babies are breast fed for the first 12 months or as long as both parties (mother and child) are willing.

Check out http://www.promom.org/101/ for 101 reasons to breastfeed your baby! Some of them are really cute!

I would just let it go in one ear and out the other. If your baby seems to be satisfied with only breast milk, then fine let it be. Some babies are not by 3 mos. I started adding 1 Tblspn of infant cereal to every 2 oz of formula with both of my children at 3-4 mos old. I didn't start solid foods until 5-6 mos when they use a spoon better. When adding cereal to the bottle, I had to use the fast flow nipples so the thicker formula would pass.

Hi S. -

If your pediatrician hasn't given you specific guidelines already as to what and when to feed your son, ask the next time you go in. Mine actually gave me a paper that their office had typed up that they give out saying at what age to start what foods and approx. how much. Then when your in-laws give you grief about it you can tell them that your pediatrician has told you to follow this food schedule. Politely tell them that you understand that when their kids were little that they might have been told to give them water/food at a earlier age but that they have done quite a bit of research since then and they have found out that it is better to wait.

Good luck! I have similar issues with my MIL and I feel your pain. =)

J.

i would tell them point blanke that the only thing your son needs is what your body makes i had the same problem with my first daughter because i gave her nothing but brestmilk for the first year and she just fine so i guess i am saying be strong and remember your his mother and you know what your doing

Just remember that YOU are the mother, not them. And either they are going to feed your son the way you want them too or they won't be trusted to watch him during feeding times. That may sound harsh, and I'm sure they are very nice people, but you need to make it very clear that when it comes to your son the parents make the decisions not the grandparents.

Hi S.
I agree with the other moms pick your battles. I have always said that you are the mom and if you know that something isn't right or that you are uncomfortable with something don't do it. He can't speak up for himself your the mom your the only one that can speak up for him. If it gets to were you are uncomfortable saying something to your in laws have your husband say it after all it is his parents. Good luck!!

Do they mean water instead of formula/breast milk? Babies need the fat from either of those sources for brain development. There is no reason to substitute. If they insist on feeding your baby things that make him upset-perhaps you or your husband should talk to them about it. Maybe they should not be a caregiver until they abide by your wishes.

Hi S.,
The best way to handle in laws I think is to listen to them and do what you want as far as your baby. Just like with any situation when someone is there to give you advice accept the advice and use what you want and throw away the rest. I think we all know our own child best. I gave my son cereal the night we came home from the hospital and he never shown signs of any problems with me doing that. My daughter I waited because she was a month old and did exactly what her doctor told me to do and she never shown any signs of any problems. My grand daughter just turned 2 months old and her doctor told my daughter in law that if she begins to drink alot more formula at one feeding she may need more then just that. What the doctor didn't know is we had already been giving her cereal at night because when it was taking 14-16 oz of formula to get her to sleep at night then that is a sign she needed more then formula so you know your own baby better then anyone, do what you feel is right for him.

Good Luck

Get the support of your husband on this, and don't have your inlaws to any babysitting for your child. At this time, they have shown that they won't follow your wishes, which are just common sense to me. Of course, your in laws can see the baby, but won't be doing any personal care for awhile. They have to realize that child care has evolved and changed over the last 20 years, when they had thier children, and they need to respect your wishes, or not have that babysitting time with your child. L.

Smile and say thank you for that tip, I'll ask the pediatrician. Or I talked to the doctor about that and they gave me this print out on when to start solids. I'm going to follow the DOCTORS guidelines as they have the newest information on what is best for babies from the American Acadamy of Pediatrics. A lot has changed in even the last 10 years. They used to recommend babies sleep on their stomachs and now have proven that if they sleep on their backs they are more likely to avoid a death from SIDS. Bottom line- you are the mom and make the decisions. Your new job for the rest of your life is protecting your kid. You might as well start now with this. If he continues to balk, give him your doctors number and say go ahead and call if it will reasure you. Chances are he won't spend the effort.

S. S.

I would maybe tell them that your pediatrician told you not to give your son solids and water until he is older. You could tell them that they have new recommendations these days for babies, and you're going to follow the doctor's advice. Could your husband mention to them that they don't need to give so much advice? Good luck with the situation. I know it can be uncomfortable dealing with in-laws sometimes.

Good job S.! Stay firm. Sometimes it's hard to advocate for your kids against family but it's worth it. Setting a boundary now will make it easier as your child grows. You are brave! It took me longer to stand up to my FIL but now he knows that my husband and I make the decisions for our family.
We now have a wonderful, respectful relationship. I hope the same for you. You deserve it!

S. Dear,
you are so absolutely right!
The first and only proof that you are the one who has ti care about how to feed your son is tha simple fact that YOU are his MOM, not them. It is solely your responsibility, not theirs, no matter how much they love their grandson.
You may tell them that the Soul of this boy chose YOU as a mother and was born to you:
so, You have a deep inner connection with this little wonderful boy, and WITH YOUR HEART, you FEEL what need to be done and how to and with your son. After all, for 9 months you two (the little boy and yourself) you composed practically one WHOLE, as he was in your womb and physically lived through all the emotions and feelings with you, and he received the very food-nutrition that you ate and thus provided him.
Be very polite, but very firm, do not give up any inch of the space, and follow your heart!
Happy coming New year to you all!
M.

I have gone through a similar situation with my in-laws. My mother-in-law gave my husband and sister-in-law cereal when they were a month old. She insisted I do the same thing. She also gave my son ice cream when he was three months old. I know how hard it is to tell your in-laws to back off. Just have discussions with them on how you and your husband want to raise your child. Also, remind them that times have changed. What used to be common feeding practices when we were children is no longer accepted my doctors. Just remember you are the mother, and at some point you will get fed up with the situation. I know I was very comfortable as a new mother as well because I had been around babies for a long time. So I felt like I really knew my stuff. Just be confident! Every mother knows what is best for their child. Good Luck!!

First as Jody M said you need to pick your battles, second if they suggest something that makes you uncomfortable, be non commental in what you say,,...."oh really that IS interesting" and then do it however you want. As to them feeding him food, the next time it is brought up say..." the last time you did he had a horrible stomache ache and his Dr and I agree that he is to young for anything but formula/breastmilk." Don't be rude just matter of fact. If they can't follow your rules then they don't get to visit w/out you there. Your husband has to be on board also, you need him to back up your decision, no matter how ridiculous they may sound! He is your son, never be afraid to step on somebodies toes if they can't follow your choice when it comes to his raising!

S., as a mother of several grown daughters who are now parents, here is my advice to you. Surround yourself with books and magazine subscriptions on parenting infants and toddlers so your parents can see that you're getting current information about how to raise babies. I know things have changed since I raised my babies, and I wish I'd known some of the things that are know common knowledge. However, I'll bet your mom will be a great resource too, with little hints and ideas for coping with many little issues. You just need to show her that you've got access to good resources and are using them. Make yourself well informed so you'll know when to agree with her, and when to override her well-meaning advice. Good luck and best wishes for all, and Happy New Year!

You don't have to say it politley! Tell them that you have your own ways that you are going to try and if it doesn't work then they can put their two cents in. He is your child and tell them that his dr. said he shouldn't have that stuff until he is a certin age.

I am a mom of three and you are absolultey right in waiting to give him anything but formula/breast milk until your dr. says it is okay to give him anything else, usually around 6months.

Good luck!!!
W. F

Your husband needs to step up and talk to his parents either by himself or with you. You are correct in saying that solids can be hard on babies' stomachs. Some pediatricians actually say no solids until 1yr-old, but the majority say wait until at least 6mo-old. The best thing to do is to lay down ground rules with your in-laws. Basically, what you and your husband say are the rules, ARE the rules, and if they cannot abide by them, then they will not be allowed to spend time alone with the child. I had a situation with my mother-in-law giving my child medicine without my permission, even after my daughter told her mommy said she couldn't! She bribed her into taking it! I was furious and made my husband call her so I wouldn't totally explode when I talked to her. She was told exactly what I wrote above, and she knows I will follow through. So, be firm in that YOU are the parents, not them! Good luck!

S., print off all the responses and your request for help and carry them with you in the diaper bag. Next time you get told about feeding hand them the printouts and say, OK, I am not just be stubborn but this is now 2008 and we do things differently now. All these girls say the same thing I do.

Then offer to have Motherin Law go with you to the next doctors appointment and tell her she can talk to the doctor and if she can change his mind and HE tells you to feed him food you will do so.

Good luck. M. b
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That is really scary. A baby here locally actually died earlier this year when a family member fed him cereal too young. I hope your in-laws realize what they are doing is very serious..not just a case of an overly protective mother.

It's amazing how people become experts when you first have a child. It's hurtful as your trying to do the best you can and to have unwanted advice. I was scolded for not having a blanket on my first child when it was roasting that day. It's hard at first but trust me to stick with what you feel is right and down right tell them no. Don't beat around the bush. What your providing for them is enough whether it be breastmilk or formula. My first child was not put on solids till she was 8 months old. She simply was not ready even though several people were trying to force the issue. She was very chubby and doing well. Her tummy did not do well on solid food. She threw up awhile later each time and both times choked on it. Your husband will need to back you up also. Your baby will be perfectly fine without solid food for a few more months. Explain what happened last time when the issue is pushed. Get advice from your doctor also to let them know what he/she said about it.

You poor thing.....tell your in-laws, etc that the American Academy of Pediatrics actually recommends breast milk only until 6 months as best protection against allergic reactions (especially if there is any family history of food allergies). Tell them times have changed and they know/understand more now than they did 20 years ago. The APA also makes room for giving babies solids earlier (with breastmilk) if the baby is ready but no sooner than 4 months. It is only if the baby seems still hungry after getting all of the milk/formula for the day. It also sounds like your folks may still be treating you like a kid instead of a fellow parent. Good luck.

Sticky situation. Just express to them that you have done some research and you would like to do things the way you and your husband have decided. express that you appriciate their help and don't want to hurt their feelings but part of being a good parent is doing what you feel is best for your child. Honestly your husband should really be handling this since they are his parents. Would you ask him to talk to your parents about something that goes against what you and he have decided to do? I have been through very simular things with my son and mother in law.

Good Luck!
L.

Good luck with that one. Listen politely and thank them, then simply say- I appreciate your opinion in this matter, but I choose not to give my son........
I have to agree that Doctors don't necessarily know everything, I opted for some of the old home remedies when my son was an infant- ie karo syrup for constipation-Against my Doctors advise mind you-but we survived. Lots of people will give you advice on what to do with your child. Inlaws and parents alike will make you feel like you can do nothing right, as well as go against your wishes while they are caring for your child. There is no way to avoid that really- except to say- please dont' do..... and if they do- you just get over it.
There are many ways to raise a child- most of them are ok in my opinion, even if they aren't the way you opt to raise your own- just know they are not intentionally out to hurt your child- it will be ok,.

I am a Grandma and I have found the hardest role in my life has been mother-in-law. That said, I think your in-laws are way out of bounds and it is up to you to set them straight. Try to let them know , in a loving way, that you are the Mom and although you appreciate their concern, that you have the last say in the raising of your baby. If you think they can't abide by this, then don't leave the baby alone with them. They should not be going against your wishes about his feeding. Just be sure they know the boundaries. Whether they agree with you or not is beside the point. He is your baby.

Well, my advise would be that you don't POLITELY tell them. If you told them not to and they did it anyways, thay have crossed the line. Sort of sounds like a power trip or that they don't respect your wishes. What if he had had an alergic reaction to the cereal. My inlaws did that to me by giving my son milk after I told them he was only to have breast milk-he had a reaction to it, they were not the ones sitting up with him all night or in the emergency room--all over a silly glass of milk that they did not need to give him. Well, I really put them in there place, reminded them that I was MOMMY (hear me roar) and that NOONE knew better for my son than I did, I did not make random decissions, I had reasoning behind each with my son at heart, also, time have changed since they were raising babies. 8 years later, I have not had a problem with anything since then, they make sure that I ok everything.
If you want to be polite, maybe you could give them an article about how bad water is for babies, it can be very harmful if they get to much.
PS I am not really a mean person, this post kind of make it sound like I am :)

It actually can be dangerous for a baby to have water. I would explain to your inlaws that your ped dr specifically directed you not to give water or cereal to your son at this time. You may even need to go further and politely tell them that while your appreciative that they want to be involved in your son's health and wellbeing, that you are the mother and while you might still be learning, the decisions are to made by you and your husband. I know some parents can be a little controlling over their grandchildren, especially the first one.

Let them know how you feel and if they continue to go against that, they won't be able to spend alone time with their grandchildren. You're the mom and they need to respect that. Also, your kids come first.