Mother in Law and a Routine

I could write a book on this subject but won't. Mother in law problems are very common. Google it. There are many articles out there offering solutions. For me, my MIL is controlling and would not listen to one word I or my husband would tell her. It is a difficult situation. I believe they feel threatened. Good luck.

My mother in law was the same exact way. You need to politely but firmly tell her "This is just the way that I want to do things, and it seems to be working for ME." She needs to realize that YOU are the mother, and not HER. It would be helpful, too, if your husband would tell her that himself. Because she is HIS mother, he should be telling her to stop disrespecting you, so YOU don't have to say anything.

I think it depends on the routine you are trying to impose. If it is too strict I can see the mother-in-laws objections. That being said, you need to sit down with her and explain that while you love her and value her, the decisions regarding your son are up to you and your husband.
The next time she gives you advice, you can give her the reasons for your decision. While you don't have to explain yourself to anyone it might help her to see where you are coming from.

Routine is good for a child. We unfortunatly couldn't get my son on one so early. If you are able to...kudos to you. Keep it up.

My MIL is kinda like yours, can't keep her opinions to herself and is constantly telling me that's not how they did it when she raised kids. My son is 15 months old and she still does it..drives me crazy....unfortunately I don't think she'll ever stop.

I just say, well, this is how we are doing it. If she can't go by your methods, don't let her take care of your son....sounds harsh, but maybe she'll learn.......

Maybe your husband needs to have a talk with her....

Just remember you're not the only one :)

I just wanted to ask you if you've notified your pediatrician that you've started cereal already. For most babies, they are not physically grown enough to have it. It can cause stomach upset, but can also cause more digestive problems down the road that can lead into adult hood. Babies should not start cereal until they reach 4 months of age. At three months, they should still be fed milk on demand. Schedules usually don't come about until around the time that they have regular food meals. Your stomach is only the size of your fist, and newborns need to nurse often. Feeding a newborn on demand builds a trust between you and your son. That trust gets lowered with schedules - "I'm not going to feed you for 20 more minutes, it's not 6 yet" - Babies can't tell time, but hunger pains actually are that - pains.

I'm also thinking maybe there isn't a strong bond between you & your MIL - hopefully that'll change in the future. Although you're not going to be happy with my response - in actuality, she's right. You can find more info on feeding babies the healthy way if you click on the ages & stages link on http://www.gerber.com

Just remember you are the Parents. I struggle with the same thing, but everytime they make a comment, I always remind them that "it's my husband's and my decision." I also tell them, "She's still alive and happy, so I must be doing something right." As for the schedule, if it works for you, then do it. I cannot get my 4 mo old to get into any kind of routine, so if your child will allow it, more power to you!

B.,
I think that a routine is a good idea. However I know some of my friends put a very tight ridiculous routine on their children and that does frustrate me. I am a SAHM so I have never really had to have my children on a routine during the day, at nighttime though we do have routines. I think to maybe just explain to your mother-in-law that this is what works best for you and your family at this point in time. It is, after all the choice of you and your husband how you raise your children and this is what works for you.
Good Luck!
B.

I have had the same problem with my mother-in-law. She means well, but often times will do things I don't like (giving my son ice cream when he was 6 weeks old) or disagree with me (not believing my kids could possibly be lactose intolerant). However, I want her to be in both of my children's lives as long as possible. When I was a child, one of my grandmothers died when I was 3 and the other lived a long way away and I never saw her. So I really like the fact that my children are going to have lots of memories of their grandparents.

So my advice would be to pick your battles. Don't worry about the small stuff but if she is totally meddling and making your life miserable, your husband will need to talk to her. My husband is the one who will talk to his mom when she's out of control. He is the one who told her to stop giving the kids dairy products because they end up with stomache aches all night. But for the small stuff, I've learned to just smile and let it go.

One last thing, I'm not sure how you're giving your child cereal but I put cereal in both of my kids' bottles from the time they were 3 months old. I know I'm risking the wrath of the anti-cereal moms out there, but they were both big and just formula didn't seem to satisfy them. My pediatrician said it was okay and I'm not saying I made it into milk pudding, but I'd add about a teaspoon to an 8oz bottle.

Good luck with your mother-in-law. Just remember its your son, not hers and you should just ignore her if you can. If she is truly a nightmare, its your son so you can decide if she sees him or not.

I am sorry that is so hard. I know how important it was for me to have the time and space to figure out how I wanted to do things with my daughter. It sounds like your biggest problem will be solved when you move out in a few days in that you and your mother-in-law will no longer be living in the same house. Make sure you start out with arrangement about visitations - one that you, your husband and your in-laws work out ahead of time. I would suspect that once the surprise visits begin, if they begin, this will be difficult to change. Good luck!

R.

I would try to talk to her about respecting your choice. If that doesn't work I would just flat out state, you raised your kids the way you wanted to now let me raise mine :)
Sorry but I am sick of MIL or even Mothers butting in, taking over and putting down everything we try to do..
I think we need to stick to our choices, and they need to respect that or they will be seeing thier grandchildren less and less....

Well I don't really think this post is about a routine as much as it is about having someone interfere with your parenting.

What would work best is to have your husband tell his mother to back off.

Routines are preached about and everyone has their opinion on what you should do, how you should do it, but realistically, routines are set for the needs of YOUR FAMILY...

At three months old a routine is good to have, it is healthy and necessary. She may think it is pointless because it will change, but this routine will change as your baby changes, not because someone tells you it is point less. It is not up to anyone to tell you the goods and the bads about the routine you are setting, not even any of us here. The routines can only come from what works best for your individual family....outlaws excluded.

Having your husband to tell his mom to butt herself out and trust she raised her son well enough to raise his own kids...will come much better received from him than from you. He can tell her that if you and he want her opinion you will ask for it, until then all she is required to do is love her grandchild, your son, and keep her opinions to herself.

Sounds like we could have the same mother in law. My MIL puts me down constantly on my parenting. My daughter needs to act like a lady, a princess should never wrestle with her daddy, she needs to have her hair beautiful everyday. She is 3 yrs old. What I ended up doing, I put my foot down. I told my husband that he needed to stick up for me better and he does and then I told his mother that if she cannot keep her opinions to herself, then Katelynn will not be coming over to visit. I also find articles to support my parenting and email them to her as a way to show her things have changed since she was raising her kids. Good luck and stick to your guns. You know best for your son. No one else!

Yeah routines!! So good to start, makes for a much happier baby! You'll start seeing everything fall in place soon.

As for your MIL, I had the same problem with my mom. You need to nip it in the bud (have your husband speak with her to avoid offending). No matter what, this is your child and she needs to respect that. Giving advice is one thing, but to tell you what you are doing is pointless is entirely different. This is your first baby, and you need to learn as you go (believe me, you do no matter how much advice is given!). Stand up for yourself and say something when she says things that bother you, if she doesn't stop, you can just not visit as much so she gets the point.

This is your child. You and your husband know what's best for him!

First congrats on your marriage and on the birth of your son. I almost wanted to know if we had the same MIL. It seems that they do the same thing, Here is what I did. My husband and I both had to tell her that she needs to respect the way that we are raising our children, and if she cannot follow your guidelines then she cannont have him around when these responsibilities are needed. Tell her that she did a good job raising her kids and that you would apperciate it if she respected the fact that being a grandparent is a privalege not a right and that this is your son and you would like to set your own rules for him. I know that is extreem but it did work for us. When I told her or my husband told her seperately it never worked so we went together and told her these are the rules and we would like it if they were followed. However my personal advise and the advise of my ped.to me is not to give ceral or any other solid food till 6 mos or so. If your son is having problems and needs more umph to his bottles I would not suggest putting ceral in his bottle I would tell you to try Enfamil with A.R. it has added rice and allows it to stick to there stomach better. It also works well for children that throw up alot. Good luck on your move, you can always email me if you need more support. A.

WOW-O-WOW does stuff like this ever make me happy that my MIL lives in ENGLAND!!! yeah!!!! ;) I remember going to visit her a few years back and my two youngest were 2 & 3. MIL was having a FIT that I made them take naps!!! She thought it was rediculous to make them take naps. Her philosophy was to wear them out all day so they sleep good at night. I let her have her way about giving them all the english chocolates and stuff like that. I let a lot of rules slide for her, but was firm about nap time.

Your MIL is probably needing to feel important. Most mom's can't stop mothering and just need to feel needed. I'd try a little reverse psychology (sp?). Perhaps ask what she did when your husband had a cold or wasn't sleeping well. Stuff like that means a lot to a grandma.

My mom always tries to help me mother. My oldest is 18 and she still hasn't stopped telling me how to do things!!! This is kind of one of those things you have to learn to let roll off or it will drive you nuts.

Now, when it comes to feeding him stuff that he shouldn't have yet, you have to put your foot down. But for stuff like comments regarding schedules, just take it in, weigh what she's saying and if it's not for you...let it go.

Tell her she is now on vacation and her job raising children is done. Hubby needs to take a stand and tell her to bugger off. HE needs to tell her because she is his mother. She has no right or no say in how you take care of your child. Set some boundies and teach her to respect them. If she does not respect it then limit access. That should show her you mean business.

A similar question came up on this yesterday I think, but it was a mother-in-law was undermining the parent's authority and wouldn't stop. Dr. Phil has had these situations on his show and has pointed out since it's the father's mother, it's up to him to deal with the issue, and if he won't, the mother of the children has a right to limit exposure to divisive influences.
This instance doesn't seem to be exactly the same because the baby is so young, although it could end up that way I suppose.
However, she IS giving you good advice that could save you and your baby much suffering down the road, at least in the example you provided. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests that babies should NOT have solids of any sort until they are at least 6 months old to avoid a whole host of problems from allergies on.
Dr. Sears gives guidelines here...http://www.askdrsears.com/html/3/T032000.asp
I hope you can figure out a solution with your MIL while your baby is still young.
K. Wildner
____@____.com
www.kimwildner.com

Girl!!! I UNDERSTAND! I been there soooooo many times! Mines was like that also. In the beginning we couldn't get along for nothin in this world because my husband is her only child and my eldest is her first grandchild and we wasn't even married at the time & I saty at my mom's house & he stayed at his mom's house. So we use to get into it all the time about my son & what I should feed him or dress him or even what to be around her son which was my boyfriend at that time. That was back in 1995. She moved up here like 4 Years ago & We JUST gotten close within these last 2 Years & it is 2007 NOW! So I WILL pray for you & your Mother-N-Law that you all get along & she MINDS HER OWN business!!