Advice Needed! - Killeen,TX

This sounds like you need an out of town trip with out husband and kids. Find a reason and go, he may have an awakening while you are gone. He needs one bad. Good luck you need the help and are not getting any. Been there and the trip did me wonders. Oh you know when you see the Dr. next tell him MD. and when you go home tell husband you Dr. wants you on bed rest for a week or you will be in hospital. (he need not know what kind of hospital)

I think the best remedy is to go out of town for a while. Let him take care of the kids on his own for a week.

The other option is to start really small. Include him in some things: Let's give the baby a bath. Now, I'll make his bottle, you get him dressed for bed.

Once you include him in the process for a bit, start giving him the responsibility. Honey, can you give the baby a bath and put him to bed? I really need to finish such and such, but I'll bring you the bottle.

Sometimes I think men don't participate, because they truly don't know how. Instead of saying "take the kiddo outside", you might say "Kiddo is really into the t-ball set right now. You should take him outside and play catch with him."

I am sorry that you are going through this. It really stinks to fel like you are the only one in the relationship. My DH did this for a while when my DD was small. I finally got it out of him. There were several reasons for it. 1.) that is what his dad did.- I asked if he want to have the same relationship with his DD as he has with his dad and that got my point across on that. 2.) He didn't know what to do and was terrified to do something wrong. I handed over duties to him. When he is home, he handles bathtime/bedtime. (He works 3rd shift, so he is only here for bedtime 3x/week so that is 1-2 bath times and 3 bedtime routines.) He did yard work before we moved to apartments and he does dishes 2X a week. He also isn't "allowed" to tell DD no if she asks to spend time with him. ei. tea parties and playground.-within reason of course. By doing these things on a regular basis, he has only wanted to spend more time with her and now will even get up early with her and take her to breakfast and let me sleep in.
Also is your older son doing things around the house to help? At 7 there are a lot of htings that he could and should do to learn to be a part of the family. I'm not suggesting that he should do things INSTEAD of your DH, but he could certainly supplement. Sweeping, setting the table, putting away laundry, even loading the dishwasher depending how big he is. He can certainly take your little one to the other room and practice reading him books and playing with him. Again, I'm not suggesting that he take the father role, but I know that I did these things with my litte siblings. It is just part of being a family. If you can start deligating, you will be suprised how much time you will have. This might meean that things are not done your way (I'm a control freak and had a hard time learning this), but as long as the end result is good, then it doesn't really matter how it happens.
I hope that you can work through this. Good luck.

Dear C.,
When I had been married 20 years I felt the same as you: frustrated that my husband would not do the things that I felt were totally reasonable for him to do. It got to the point that I was mad at him all the time, and I knew that he was mad right back. It occurred to me that I had three choices: I could divorce him, I could stay mad at him all the time, or I could give up all of my expectations of him and accept him and ove him just the way he was. I knew that divorce would not solve my problems, but just increase them, so that was out. I did not want to stay mad - that's not a very fun life! So, by God's grace, I picked the third choice. I mentally pictured myself as being "snuggled up to him under his arm." I stopped asking him to do anything. It took some practice, but eventually he noticed the difference. And eventually he changed. I did not do this so that he would change, but truly I did not expect him to. But, he did change. It didn't happen over night, but, he actually started doing things around the house! The proof that we had both changed came one day when (drums rolling) he asked me to make a list of things I wanted him to do! But you know what? I had changed as well, and I was not carrying around in my head all of the things that he should be doing, so, I could not think of one thing to put on the list!!!

This happened 12 years ago. Occasionally we still have disputes, but 99% of the time we have the best of marriages! I am so glad God changed my heart, and guided me to make that choice. I cringe to think what my life would be like now if I had chosen either of the other two choices.

J.

OK, here's my thought. He isn't showing that he cares about you or your marriage. I'm sure he has good qualities, too, and that there are good things about him/ your marriage that you want to hang on to.

I do understand feeling like you have no idea what you're supposed to do. I worked with my husband for a while and I felt like that all the time. I'm betting he probably felt like you do.

I think you should enumerate all the tasks you do in a day, from brushing kid teeth to washing dinner dishes to things as little as clipping tiny fingernails. Then write how often these tasks must be done. Assign them a day. Then put your name by some of them and his name by some of them. Make a list of things you need in your life, like time to take a bath and write a list of things you husband can do with the kids while you do your stuff. Don't just write "Go outside," Write "Play soccer outside" or "weed the garden with the kids."

Sit him down and explain to him the gravity of the situation and make it clear that you and/ or your relationship cannot last like this. Pull out the list and explain it all very clearly to him. If he hemms and haws, bust out a suitcase, pack up YOUR things only and check into a hotel at night. You might want to have another list of things he needs to do for the kids that night prepared, just in case. He'll keep your kids alive. He'll be scared out of his wits, too, and my guess is he'll be more responsive the next day. My sister in law had to do this with my brother and it worked. It was extreme, but so was her unhappiness.

I am not trying to sound condescending by telling you to write things out as if he were a 5 year old. I'm telling you because I needed someone to do this for me while working in a well drilling company where I only felt like men knew what was going on and I was in the way. I ended up contributing a lot to the organization but I had a lot of learning to do first. And I needed encouragement and positive feedback without criticism.

When he does a crappy job at cutting nails, don't criticise him. Tell him "thank you for cutting the kids' nails" and leave it at that. If he feels like he did something right, he might attempt to do it again. Maybe practice will make him better! The point is you want to build up his self-confidence so he'll not feel defeated and unappreciated (I'm sure you're in touch with that feeling!).

Key to all of this might be making it clear that you cannot be in a relationship that is all give and no get. But do not make any threats that you will not stand behind. Maybe a reward system would work. Think of him as your child, I guess. He clearly wasn't raised to be responsible around the house. Now you've got to raise him right.

If all else fails, try getting on that show "Wife Swap" and hope that a no-nonsense feminest gets him for a week and sets him straight. (I'm kidding of course.)

Good luck.

you're married to a "wonderful man" who does absolutely nothing to help you? Get a grip, girl. You are being abused. Just what does WTU do? Does it not also involve families? You need to turn the TV off, look him straight in the eye and tell him it's his turn to help with (whatever it is you want him to help you with, ie homework with the oldest, bathe the youngest, read them a story or go out and play ball. Surely he knows how to throw a ball. Tell him to get his lazy butt off the couch and get busy making the marriage work, it doesn't matter what he did as a warrior. He's a husband and a father and he needs to start acting like one. If you continue to let him walk on you, believe me, he will, for the rest of your life.

C., your signature statement says you are married "to the most wonderful man", yet your whole post is one big victimized rant about what he doesn't do and how clingy and dependent your 7yr old is. Acceptance is the key to all things that irritate us. And living by example, without guilt-tripping, blaming, shaming other people. Men and boys accept training from women when it's done simply, with love. If you can't accept him as he is with his post-war expression, no regular job structure, no domestic instincts, and no interest in developing himself in those ways, then you have some truth-telling time to spend with yourself and some possible actions to take for yourself. Stop whining and start planning. Get outside help to help you manage to cope at home & "re-plete" yourself (part time mother's helper, housekeeper) and find playfriends for the 7yr old on the weekends and afternoons. Even if the armed forces branch he was with has not wives program locally, you can connect with other military wives in your area that are facing the same issues and cope with support.

Your husband doesn't sound like "the most wonderful man" to be married to. He sounds selfish and lazy. You've done your part and more and it sounds as though he just doesn't appreciate you for all that you are. If you've asked for help and he isn't willing to give it to you, then maybe you should consider doing things only for yourself and your 2 boys. I know it sounds petty, but come on! You gave birth to 2 boys, not 3! Let him cook his own meals and wash his own clothes, stop doing everything for him---make him ASK YOU to include him in mealtimes and let him ASK YOU to help him wash his own clothes if he can't do it by himself. It sounds like you've stretched yourself way too thin and this sorry excuse for a husband is acting more like a child than a responsible adult. Surely you love him or else you wouldn't be trying to fix these problems, but you deserve love in return. You are not a doormat but that is exactly how he is using you. Stand up for yourself, be strong and if he can't be what you and your boys need, maybe he'd prefer being kicked to the curb. Anyone can have kids, but not everyone can be a real parent. Good luck!

Sorry you are going though this but I think most of us women [esp if we are SAHMs] feel this way. A few things to consider. ~Make a chart w/ pictures if you would like your children involved of all the "chores" that need to be done. Ask your dh to "look" at it well he gets home and ask him to 1 or 2 things. And you check off everything you do. You know men don't see what we do!
~Leave your dh w/ the kids. Start w/ 30 minutes and eventually keep away longer. Your children will never know how to "behave" w/ daddy if you are always around. I have always let me kids with dh b/c it let him know I do trust him w/ our children.
~Take a vacation w/ your children and dh. Then another w/out kids just you and your dh to reconnect.
~Ask him to just go to counseling by himself. Maybe he was afraid or didn't want to fight w/ you.
~If you can go to church.
~Always make time for yourself and dh.
~Try to have one on one time with each family member.
These are just somethings have have done and have worked. I still feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions but I always think at the end of the days things could be worst and the dish will get washed eventually and we have enough clothes to wear for tomorrow...lol
Good luck.

I feel for you. I think maybe you understand that men are a lot less mature than women. There are several different sites that have marriage workshops. They are always available somewhere. I know they have them on post/base for military. Try the post/base chapel or Army Community Services for information. I believe it is called Family Readiness in the Air Force. If you want to go to a civilian workshop they are oftentimes sponsored by churches. Good luck. If he won't attend, perhaps an ultimatum is in order.

Dear C.,
Welcome to Club Mom ! Remember that Mars and Venus do not see as the other sees, don't hear the same or prioritize the same. Try to tailor your wants to fit your daily / changing situation, for your sake, for the sake of your children and for the sake of your marriage. Sure you want him to "see" what you see that is needed, but my dear he just doesn't. Get used to being very specific about what you want of him - don't expect him to pick up on innuendos or assumptions. Trust me, compromise when possible. Your husband must have some good qualities or you wouldn't have married. You also have faults and hopefully he doesn't focus on or highlight those. Yes being Mom is a full time job 24/7. Those precious children grow up all too soon, there will come a day when they don't need you. Enjoy each day, tears and laughter, touch, hug, play even the fits. Remember the Mary / Martha of the Bible. Chores will always be there, the children will not, neither will your husband for that matter. Life is too short and complex to focus on the small stuff.
Good luck, better yet, God bless your family.

I think the key is coming into agreement as a couple. Every marriage runs differently and one way isn't necessarily better than another. Having said that, I think what you guys need is to find the place where you can agree to live in harmony together. He thinks things are fine, you don't. OK, what is not fine? I liked how someone else suggested writing stuff down, sounds like a good idea. Anyway, you are feeling overwhelmed. What could he do that would help. Specifically. My husband and I came up with duties we are each responsible for. We also agreed that the other one cannot bother you about how your duties are handled. For example, if he doesn't cut the lawn one week I don't say a word. His area, his responsiblilty. If he comes in and the dishes are sky high, he is on mute. My area, my responsiblity. In other words we decided to make a pact to treat each other like grown-ups and it has really helped us to act like them :) Now of course because we love each other, if I see him mowing all day and getting tired, I might go pitch in. If I am bombarded with baby stuff he might unload the dishwasher. So anyway at a moment when you are not totally upset I think it would be good to tell him that you need to make a plan together how to get the work at home done. Of course the fact he goes out and brings in income is great just as your dedication at home with the kids is awesome. Both of you work hard. If you don't think he understands that you work hard try to calmly explain that you are super busy all day with the kids and house and that it is very time consuming. If you can, be unemmotional when you guys talk, I know, that is hard!!! But they do so much better when we are calm. Anyway girl, hang in there and just do your best to talk to him and make an agreement together on how to run things. Take care!

Most guys dont like to admit that there is a problem.So actually going to marriage counceling would be admiting there was a problem, one bigger than he can fix. Men like to be the fixer. Also with your high an anxiety he might not want to be around you. I suggest you seek different counciling. One that will help you understand where he is comming from no matter how wrong it is. I am sure he is also feeling some what worthless and going threw his own thing about not having a job. When your son is bothering you to go out and play you end up going anyway so why dont you get the entire family in on the FUN. All run up to daddy and grab his hands " come on daddy come on"!! get him to play outside with you. If he truly dosent want to leave him alone and say mabey next time. I am not saying your problems are your fault at all. I am just saying perhaps a different approach wont fule the fire. I truly think you need a new counclier. Good luck and God bless. As with all things it will pass and I pray your marriage grows stronger. Example situations: friends of ours the husband moved away for a job left his family here and sees them on weekends, he dosent want a divorce and assures us that he is doing what is best for his family. Its not really its what he THINKS is best. The wife is confused and wonders if she should divorce him? Its dumb for them to be in this situation. If you take divorce out of the equasion you have to solve the situation another way. As long as you and the kids are safe.

I hear ya sister. And these other ladies have some great advice for you. I am faced with the same feeling day after day, although I am super grateful that my husbands works so that I can be home with our kiddo, I realized that I need time for me too. What we do is set specific times that we each do our 'own thing' through out the week. He has his tuesday night poker, I have my morning with the girls.

Give him some notice, you are going to have you time, then stick to it. He will learn cause he will have no choice. It is so important that you take care of yourself, to take care of your family. You be your best, then they will be their best.

wow.... Well for starters he needs to go to sessions with you so you can talk through and give hims specifics with someone else there to referree and pull him into the 'real world'.

you should just take your son over to him and physically hand him to your husband - say your turn i need your help. and walk away.

sit down during a quiet time and have a small list of what you need him to do the next day. be specific and ask him if he is able to do each of the things you have listed. do not overload or give a lot. make it obtainable and measurable. explain why you need HIM to do these things. then see if he does. if he didn't then sit down that night with the small list he agreed to and go over it again.

i like the lady below who said the baby steps, that's exactly right. do the each night you give the bath or bedtime story... that's what i was trying to say with the 'job' list.

these other women with their suck it up and quit whinning need to get real.

this is a partnership, not a one sided parent deal. be specific when you talk to him and use the I statements.... I feel like an only parent when you....

good luck... stick to it. it takes 2 to make a child and 2 to raise a child.

If you do it all now, why not do it without him. You wouldn't have to deal with his childlike behavior and therefore have more time on your hands!
Has he always been like this?
Enough is enough!

I had the same feelings you are right now, working full time, kids, and husband was my life. You need to find someone to take care of your kids for a few hours a week and do something for yourself. Whether its shopping, getting your hair and nails done, joining a club of your interest, something for yourself. You need "me" time. At first you may feel guilty about it, but trust me it will do you and your kids a world of good. The hubby problem, I had the same problem until he realized that I was doing the same thing he was, if only for a few hours a week. He hasn't come full circle, but he's improving. Wish I had a miracle cure for you, but this works for me. Hope it helps.

Luckily my DH is a bit more interactive, but I can see some of him in your story. Usually if I want him to do something, I have to hold his hand and show him step by step how to do something. Then I have to explain to him that I do not want to have to tell him to do it, it would be best if he could just do it when it needs to be done.

Maybe that would work for you? Start out with baby steps. Show him how to read a story at bed time, then the next week show him how to give the kids a bath. Let him know that these things are done every night at 8 pm (or whatever time) and that while he is doing that, you can then do this other thing that needs to be done.

Don't let these women that have commented below tell you that it is your job or your problem. I just want to laugh at how weak and rediculous they are. I can tell you are a strong woman, you should demand your husband step up to his responsibilities.

Hello C.,

Wow you have a lot going on here and more to fix than most marriages. At first I thought what a lazy husband. When you mentioned the WTU it made me think maybe he's having problems adjusting to being home. I've heard of soldiers coming home with mental and emotional problems which they need help working through. His don't seem to be extreme like some cases but he may feel that it's his duty to be with his friends or protect his friends especially if he was with them while he was gone. You may want to see if there is a counselor or someone with the WTU you can talk to that will give you more insight to what your husband is dealing with. This may help a little plus you really need time for yourself. If you don't take care of yourself then your health will fade. I don't think you neccisarily need to give up the things you like doing but find a craft day where you can go and do your sewing. My church actually has one once a month and you bring whatever projects your working on and just hang out with other ladies while you do your project. There is one this Friday evening I believe from 6-8. This is the first one I'm going to so I don't know for sure if they have child care but I could find out for you if you'd like. I think they also have them listed on their events calendar as well on www.fbcpville.org While your youngest is taking a nap try to get quiet time in or do some of the house work during that time. Once or twice a week use a crock pot for dinner so you can put it on early in the morning and then it's ready for dinner time. This will give you extra time for other things that you have trouble squeezing in. Talk with your husband and let him know your going out for a couple of hours whether it be for a massage or to the salon or grocery shopping and he needs to watch the kids. Maybe he doesn't realize how hard your working every day with the children and needs to experience it. I had to go out of town for a week a couple of weeks ago which left my husband to take care of our 7 year old and when I got back the house was a wreck but they both survived and my husband had a whole new appreciation for what I do.
It sounds like your frustrated but still love your husband. There are answers out there. Finding them may be a challenge. I will keep you in my prayers,
M.

C.
Read the very last 8 words that you wrote.....Are you married to the most wonderful man? You have to get real and wake up before it's too late. If not, it will not get better.
I am 70 yrs old and I can see myself in you as long as 50 yrs ago, you don't say how old you are but I can relate to everything you have said. If you don't correct the situation now you are going to just get deeper into all the unhappiness that goes with it. You will have memories of what you could have changed....
My husband (now EX,) and I had 2 children of our own and raised his 2 from his previous marriage. He would rather do things with his friends than spend time with me. I had to deal with the children while he went bowling, fishing, camping trips, playing cards, playing pool, playing golf, and just hanging out with the guys. When the children were grown we divorced and I look back and we should have done it sooner. I had a lot of sadness and loneliness through those years because it was like I was by myself anyway.
When he retired he moved back to St. Louis, MO and I stayed here in Texas, he called me about a month ago and said, "Hey babe, I bought a motorhome do you want to travel with me across the good ole USA?" and I laughed and said, "You didn't want me 50 yrs ago why would you want me now?"
I am in good health and he is not so he probably wants me to do the driving and wait on him.....
Anyway you are young and you are talking about how it is, so take a good look at things and either solve the problems that are keeping you in that situation or get out of the situation and enjoy your life.
"Voice of Experience"
I wish you much happiness you may have to make it happen....
N.

I guess if you are saying you are married to the most wonderful man, then you want to continue this marriage. I would tell him that either he learns to be a better partner and father in helping you or you will have to pay someone to fill in for him. And, C. - you are part of this problem. How can you let go of some things? Can you? You need to learn to take better care of you which might equate to stopping some of the things you do. And, make a list of questions for your DH - does he want you to feel resentful towards him? Does he want you to be unhappy? I am sure that if you make a clear point of telling him/asking him about this and then add that if things don't change you may be so unhappy that you both are headed for divorce, maybe he will listen and step up to the plate.

He has to care as much or close, about your family as you do. He may not do anything and then you must come up with a solution such as hired help, etc... to solve the problem. If you don't have the money, then tell him he must come up with a solution. Like - get a job and make the money so you can get the help you need. If he will not be responsible for his husband and father duties, then he had better pay for someone else to do so. Tell him to figure out how he can help - but he must help in one way or another.

An alternative is for you to leave him and the kids, or the older child for a few days and put it all in his lap to show him what it is like. I don't know if you are comfortable with that.

There are also parenting classes - ask your counselor to find out this info - that your husband can attend. And, I would ask him what his parents did for him? What did his father do with him and how did it make him feel at the time? Does he want that for his own kids? How did his father treat his mother and does he want that for his marriage? Sometimes the way you pose questions will get him to turn around and look at the bigger picture.

You have a right to ask for help . . . . and get it.

Alli

I read thru this email and initially thought "Dump him, he is not the most wonderful man. He is a user." But then I got to your editing about WTU. Had to google it to see what that really meant- but it makes me think he was injured in the war? And he is "transitioning" home? I think that is the key to your issues. Is there someone at the WTU that you can talk to? Or does your counselor have specific experience working w/ soldiers that have returned either physically impaired or emotionally wounded? Maybe your husband is having issues taking orders from you - especially if he has been out "saving lives" and doing "important things" - day to day house work may seem beneath him (to him at least!) . Or he may be having self esteem issues. I think that is what you need to explore first- that he isn't helping because of other emotional issues. HOWEVER- he has to be willing to do the work. Even if he is injured or traumatized- that is something he needs to work through so you can be a family. If he isn't willing to do the work to become part of the family- then you have to do the classic "Dear Abby" thing- decide are you better off with him or without him? Is this the role model that you want for your boys? Step back and re-read your email. I agree with the previous writer- how can you be married to the most wonderful man if he is not involved and doesn't care? That is NOT wonderful.

((hugs)) I think that you are describing MANY MANY husbands out there. I mean, my mom, sister, best friend and I ALL have this experience. I do wish you the best.

(sometimes feel like a single mom to)
5 YO girl 4 YO girl 3 YO girl 18 month old girl and due in MArch :)

C. it sounds like DH needs to be in some sessions with you. The way you describe things you are a single parent trying to help her spouse grow up. Where ever his head is at right now it is not on his family or his grown up reponsciblity as a man. You dics him on all point of family involvement and sharing in your and your childrens lifes, that does not make a most wonderful man. trying to force him to be involved with dailey activities with you and your children will make him run away faster. you can not force a adult male to grow up. Try to stay focused on positive interaction with your children they are feeling the pressure and nerves and fear from you. When the oldest ask why DH doesn't want to do any thing with him keep your self calm and say I don't know and leave it at that. Your happiness around the children your joy at sharing with your babies is all they need to feel. Good luck.

You got a lot of good advice. I just want to add a few things. During the first three years of my girls' lives, my hubby was gone a year and a half. Whenever he would come home from deployment, he would continue to let me do it all. While deployed situations are stressful a d dangerous, they are not all that difficult for the guys...what I mean by that is that there is a lot of down time between "action" and depending on rank, not much responsibility. It is hard to come home and have to work so hard. These issues are not unique to you...that is a good thing. Has hubby been gone flr a while? If so, he may really not have a clue what to do or how to do it. Teamwork is very helpful. Without being condescending or telling him what you are doing, show him how. Call him in as you are bathing the kids and hand them out to him to dry off and get dressed. Show compassion for you husband who may not see where he fits into your life any more since you can do it all without him. Besides just praising him for what he does, tell him that you love and need him. Put it in terms he can understand...raising kids is like a wartime mission, you can do it 100% for short periods, then you have to call for backup. There are programs that the Army has for family support that have counselors suited to your exact situation. The number is 1-800-984-8523. Also the others are right, make sure that you are getting "you" time. Join a book club or bunko group or even a spouse group and have at least one night out for you per week or month (whatever you need) also, and this is BIG, have a date night once a week. Go to dinner (doesn't have to be fancy) and a movie. Give youselves time to talk without the kids but don't always talk about problems, get into his head and find out what is going on with him. Men are fairly simple creatures: food, sex ( which to them = love), and step-by-step instructions and they will be perfect. Good luck to you all.