Hi ladies - sorry this is long. My 13-yo-DSD moved in with us after Christmas and now goes to school in my town with my oldest son (her step-brother). It was a mutual decision between DH and DSD's mom ("Mary"), and we were told that Mary was moving to our area as soon as she could and that once she got settled here, we would figure out shared custody. Prior to this, DSD, her mom, and her two younger half-brother lived about a half hour away from us and we had her every weekend and school vacation. I've known her since she was 3 and we are all family, but she has always preferred to live with her mom and they have always been close.
Mary has been going through a lot in the past couple of month (nasty divorce, lost custody of her sons, lost her job, lost her housing voucher because she no longer has all of the kids, no longer has a car, is probably being evicted and her mother passed away). Since DSD moved in with us, she has not seen her mother despite our willingness to facilitate a visit. Mary told us today that she is moving in with family in another state, about 4 hours away and that she would meet my husband some night this week to "do the paperwork." We have no idea what her plans are and what her time line is. DH has no plans to ever relinquish physical custody; we may do 50/50 under the right circumstances.
So my questions...should DH bring DSD to also say good-bye when he goes to "do the paperwork"? We are awaiting some info from a lawyer friend on how to do this. I think we can have both DH and Mary sign and notarize stipulation that DH can then file. My concern is that this transaction could get nasty because there will be things in there that Mary probably doesn't realize now that we will ask for. DH will also have to go to Mary's house and clear out what's left of DSD's belongings. I think that he should do the paperwork and the move and then arrange a separate time for DSD and Mary to meet up and say good-bye.
Has anyone been through this situation as either a step-parent, bio-parent or child and have any words of wisdom to share? We have a therapy appt. for DSD already scheduled for this week because we figured that with the transition, it would be good for her to talk to someone about this and that was before we found out that Mary was moving away, so it's even more important now. DSD is a "still waters run deep" kind of girl so we never have any idea what she's thinking or feeling.
Any thoughts on legal strategy? We don't want to kick Mary when she's down, but she has never shown DH any mercy in this area in 13 years and has a long, scary history of poor decision-making. Our biggest nightmare would be for her to meet some guy, get herself together and then come back looking to move DSD out of state with her, so we want to do everything we can now to get airtight custody and make it very hard for her to change the status. I also think that she should be ordered to pay child support - if she were a guy, no one would question this or give any excuses but DH thinks that if we request that now, we'll look like a-holes to the court. Thoughts?
Thanks mamas!
I can't give specific advice because I've never been in your situation but as a stepmom, I can say that it's not a good idea to make anything about money. Sure you feel that the money is owed, but she probably can't pay it and it would be kicking her when she's down.
Definitely make an airtight case in order to protect your stepdaughter from her mother's poor decision-making skills. But leave the money out of it.
I disagree with Gamma G that Mary "will become a less important part of your lives." That may be true for you and your DH, but is most definitely not true for your DSD.
Thank you for getting DSD into therapy--I hope it benefits her immensely.
Definitely schedule a separate meeting with Mary & your daughter. And I do not think you should keep the information from DSD that Mary is moving away (instead of moving to be w/ her). But talk to the therapist beforehand on how best to handle this. If I were in DSD's shoes and I found out that you and her dad knew that her mother was "abandoing her"--I would be ticked as out get out if you knew and didn't tell me and it would probably hurt my relationship with you both for a while, if not forever.
In my honest opinion once she signs the papers in the court house for your hubby to have legal guardianship/custody of his daughter the mom will become a less important part of all you lives. The attorney should order support at this time based on minimum wages. If she is unemployed the court may allow her to take a "break" from child support to help her get on her feet. Getting a job and getting housing is important and after the mom gets those things going then they will reestablish the child support and can deduct it out of her paychecks.
We are raising 2 out of 7 grandkids. One of our 2 dads is set at minimum wage is $168 a month, he is "usually unemployed" and we get nothing most of the year from him. The other dad, K's dad, makes more money so his is higher, and he pays every month like clockwork. My daughter is court ordered to pay child support for both kids I have of hers and she is to pay the same minimum wage amount of $168 for each child. She has been homeless, drugged up, pregnant, and unemployed most of her adult life and is currently in rehab with baby #7. She has never paid a penny of child support in 6 years.
I do not think the girl needs to go to courthouse for the filing of the papers. The judge will want to talk to both parties (mom and dad) about the order for custody so it will need to be done in the court house in front of a judge. That's just not a good place to visit and say bye to mom. They need an informal place that they can have fun and be stress free. This situation will make it much easier on the girl.
Poor thing, it must really be hard on her knowing she won't be seeing her mom every day. Sounds like the mom is having her share of a bad time too though. I am glad she sees the importance of letting her child be in a safe place that she will be well loved.
