Advice Needed on Helping Grandson Transition to His Own Home

i think it's natural that he thinks of your house as his home. he's a young fellow still, and 6 years is a very, very long time to a child. i would imagine that you will always have a very central place of importance to him. how lovely that he had that, during a period of his life that could have been unstable and frightening.
since the 'moving out' phase was done in a somewhat chaotic fashion (having another baby first, then getting married and moving out) it's not surprising that he's still adjusting to his new normal. it sounds as if his family life is good, and it's good that he misses his siblings when he's with you. he's just feeling a bit like a fish out of water right now, and needs some time and understanding to find just the right place for his heart to be comfortable. i suggest you discuss with your daughter not to lay her 'heartbreak' at his feet. he has enough emotions to struggle through without being responsible for hers. she needs to stop looking for blame, and just support and love her little boy while he works this out.
i don't think i'd make a big fuss about either extending or cutting back on his time with you. he should be able to spend time at the place he feels most at home, but of course he lives with his family and needs to be there more. my approach would be not to over-work it. welcome him with open arms when he comes to visit, listen carefully and sympathetically if he wants to talk, but don't go overboard on the sympathy. you want him to feel heard and understood, but not coddled and victimized. nothing is being *done* to him, his living situation has simply changed as is often the case for kids.
it's great that he has access to both, his loving grandma and her home which is where his heart dwells, and his growing family. encourage your daughter to be warm and receptive to him, but she also needs to demonstrate strength and firmness, and not make him responsible for her happiness.
khairete
S.

I don't have experience with this, first off. So my suggestion, though heartfelt, is only from knowing people who grew up like this.

Here's one example. One of my friend's parents were farmers. They worked really hard and didn't have time for their kids. Basically, the grands raised them. They didn't have a lot of supervision either because the grands were pretty old, and the kids probably wore them out. They grew up in a rural area so at least they didn't have issues with gangs or bad influences. The boy was astonishingly smart and got a scholarship to go to college, the first child in any of their families to go to college. He has turned out pretty well, considering his upbringing. He has issues - don't get me wrong. Sometimes I think he is on the Aspergers spectrum - who knows at this point.

Anyway, as far as the boy is concerned (I don't know his sister personally) if it hadn't been for the grands, I think he would have ended up a total mess. I know that your daughter has a "plan" for making him her total responsibility and the new father to take over in his life, but I don't think that's feasible. She is forgetting that he bonded with you as the "other mother", which certainly shouldn't surprise her, yet it has. Instead of her thinking that she's done something wrong, she should see it as doing something right. He has an extended family who loves him and who he loves. And he should be able to keep that in his heart and mind.

What I would suggest is that there are a set number of nights that he can come over and spend the night. Maybe 3 per week at this point, and once he stops pushing it with them, maybe in a year's time, take it down to twice a week. What will be crucial is that you have the same rules and limits in YOUR household as she has for her household. Honestly, if you give him any latitude that she doesn't, you are setting her up as the bad guy and you don't want to do that. You should actually be more strict than his mother. That takes away any incentive for him to try to manipulate you two and play you off of each other.

I would also take the sibling that came into the marriage at least once a week. That way there is not jealousy or a feeling that you only love this boy. That can wreak havoc between siblings and hurt this little family a great deal.

Urge your daughter to accept that he loves you and that it's not a reflection on anything she did wrong. If she is insecure about his love for her, he can feel it and it makes him want the oasis you provide because he feels secure in your love for him. (I hope this makes sense.) The worst thing she could do is try to make him feel bad about it or shame him for wanting to be with you. It would also be very selfish of her. SHE is the adult. He is the child. He has a right to feel this way. She taught him to feel this way for all these years. She isn't thinking right if she thinks he can just suddenly switch gears. It's not possible.

As for my friend and his mother? They get along well, though they no longer live close to each other and can only see each other once a year. He and his father have a harder relationship, but not because the grands raised him. He is divorced from my friend's mother.

I will say that when my grandfather died, my sister and I stayed with my grandmother several nights a week, for at least a year. She ended up selling the house and moving in with her mother, and their place was really small. We visited during the day but didn't spend the night. She needed us, we liked being with her, but it was pretty mutual when we stopped staying every week. It took a while, but that was okay.

Please feel free to read this to her. I hope she will take heart and understand that a loving and close relationship with you is to HER betterment. It makes her son feel more secure, and if she is accepting of it and loving to him, allowing her other children to benefit from your love, her entire household will be happier for it. Continuing to be active in these children's lives is something you should be commended on, if you are always backing your daughter up, not undermining her authority, and keeping at her schedule and rules for the kids. My mother ALWAYS did that. She never said "Well, I'm the grandma and I get to spoil my grandkids." I always appreciated that about my mother...

I really think this poor 8 year old has had nothing but upheaval and stress in his life. A new stepfather, 2 new siblings and a new house? It's an adjustment anyway, but your daughter did not get this child nearly enough counseling to help sort out these issues and do the proper preparation. Please urge her to get him some counseling. He wants to belong, and he doesn't feel that he does. She can get a good family counselor by calling the pediatrician for a referral - and she needs to go too! Kids who feel excluded or uncomfortable have such horrible tween and teen years - please don't let her wait. Your job would be to help him see how many people love him, and to babysit the 2 little kids while Mom and 8 year old go to therapy. This is not a matter for amateurs - get professional help.

I can relate to your grandson. He may feel out of place and like he doesn't belong at his mom's house. Cutting back on his tine with you is probably not the way to go. I personally should have been left with my grandparents. Has he been to therapy? He needs a neutral party to open up to. What's the step dad like?

ETA : to answer your daughters question - what's wrong is this poor kid in 2 years has acquired a step dad two siblings and been uprooted from his home - yours. This is a lot of upheaval - I know I lived it. She caused this and thus caused her hurt feelings. Please get this kid to a counselor.

If I remember correctly, some of the deepest bonds are established before a child turns 2.
My mother and I lived with my grandparents for the first 2 1/2years of my life. When she got married I felt like I lost my 'true' family, my grandparents. I wish that I could have stayed with them or in the very least that I could have kept daily contact with them.
I was more secure and had more self confidence with my grandparents.
What that your grandson doesn't lose apart of himself as he is already losing the two constants; his grandparents, in his life

I don't really blame your grandson either. His stepfather is pretty new and he likely feels so much safer at your house and gets more attention. Or at least knows when he needs attention, he can get it easier. I'm sure your daughter is pretty busy. I would tell her to take a step back and put her feelings second. Buck up and stop being "heartbroken" bc when you think about it, that's pretty dramatic and self centered of her. She wants her son to instantly be ok with all these changes. I know 2 years isn't instantly but it hasn't happened and she needs to do what it best for her son. I agree with some people saying a professional counselor is necessary. This is complicated. I will say a good friend's daughter is incredibly close to her mother (the little girl's grandmother). People would be confused bc the daughter would call my friend mom and the grandmother mama or something like that. It never bothered my friend. She thinks it's great. Remind your daughter a stepfather is hard and if her son has grandparents to rely on and make him feel safe, he's lucky. I would get him a counselor though. Likely he feels unsettled and as a kid, that's the worst feeling.

I'm just going to share a little of my life with you. I'm married to my husband now, but when I had my first two children we were not married. I was in my early 20's. My parents watched my children when I worked. I pretty much lived with them even though I had my own place, which was 40 minutes away from their house. Then my parents had to move out of state, the kids where about 3 and 1 years old. We lived on our own for about 6 months then I followed them to Texas. We lived all together for another 4+ years. Then they moved from San Antonio to Dallas. I stayed in San Antonio for another 6 years then moved to Dallas area too. We moved in with them again for awhile. I married my husband within 6 months after they went up to Dallas, and had many problems with him for many years. My parents always gave the kids a stable life. About a year after moving to Dallas I found my own place. My daughter stayed 2 or 3 months then moved backed in with my parents and stayed there ever since. My son for awhile stayed at both places.
It was hard, but I just wanted my children to be happy even if it wasn't with me. My daughter and I have a great relationship, she is 20 now and my son is 18. They have always had a special bond with my parents that none of the other grandchildren have, not even my youngest who is 8. My dad passed away a year ago. Looking back now, the relationship they had with him and my mom, I wouldn't change it a bit.
If your daughter can share the relationship with you, I think it would be the best for your grandson. It's not normal, or what people say is normal, but if it works for you all, than don't change it. I wish you all the best, you, your daughter and your grandson.