Advice Needed: Teaching Manners in a World of Bad Influences.

Everyone has a purpose in this world and sometimes the only purpose is to be an example of what not to do. This is the purpose of your neighbors kids. Teach your kids about 'Please', 'Thank you', 'No thank you' and 'Please excuse me', and they will go far. One of my favorite books growing up (and it was one of my son's favorite books, too) was 'What do you say Dear' by Sesyle Joslin. The 'How to Dinosaurs (clean their room, say good night, get well soon, etc)' books are wonderful, too. When they are at your house, they play by your rules. Stick with them.

I use to work at a private school, and lets just say some of the students had appalling manners, so I do understand. Elizabeth S. hit it on the head, your house, your rules. Also, praise and prompting goes a long way. For instance when manners are used, including your daughter, especially in front of your guests comment, "Oh! what nice manners." Or, when your guests ask you for something, don't be afraid to say, "How do you ask" or "What's the magic word". Don't be shy about praise and prompting in front of their mother either, especially if the children ask YOU for something. Consider keeping a bag of m&m's or something for an occasional suprise manner treat when those children are at your house. Children naturally want to please adults; praise, works amazingly to redirect poor behavior. At school and with my own children, all I had to do was give them the "expectant look" and they would remember their manners. My kids to this day (they are adults) and my former students, will give you my speech, "No, one word answers, it is not polite." (meaning no, thank you, yes ma'am, etc. not simply no or yes), Good luck!

Manners are a slippery slope. I agree that I see lots of kids whose behavior/attitude I wouldn't tolerate in my own son. But- you cannot be the 'manners police' mom all the time without making everyone mad.

Pick your battles- if you are in public, at the park or mall, then just grit your teeth and bear it, unless some other child's behavior is affecting your own kid. If their parent chooses not to correct them, that's frustrating, but not your responsibility, unless the kid is endangering himself or others.

Make sure to reinforce YOUR kids' good behavior often. Praise them and have a little talk in the car on the way home. Say, " I really noticed how good you were at the park today! You shared your toy and you waited your turn in line for the swings and didn't shove anyone else out of the way. That's how we behave in our family and I am very proud of you!"

Don't single other kids out as negative, but give your child the chance to compare their behavior. Kids notice a lot more than you might think!

At your own house, its a totally different matter!
Even at a very young age, kids are totally capable of understanding that there are different ways to behave for different places and situations. Some kids are just more rowdy than others, but it is TOTALLY appropriate for you to sit everyone down and say, " Ok, these are OUR house rules. In our house, we don't climb on the furniture and throw the couch cushions around. We only have our snacks and drinks in the kitchen. We use our inside voices. We say please and thank you when we want/get something."

That said- remember these are just kids and you will have to repeat your rules over and over. Also, sometimes kids need to just blow off steam. It can help if you have a family room or a playroom and you don't care if that room gets messed up. Or say " We can build a fort with the couch cushions, but only if we clean them all up and put them back when you're done."

If you don't want them running around all crazy, you must offer them alternatives- a movie to watch, a game to play, music to dance to- something that will engage them, but not make you crazy!

It's tough in the winter, but spring is almost here. As soon as you can- bundle them up and send them OUTSIDE to run off some steam!!

While I very much agree that manners are important, may I please suggest that you do not ever loudly say to your child, "I'm so glad you don't act that way." or anything that negatively reflects on the "misbehaving" child. My son has autism and bipolar disorder, and I work very hard on teaching him proper behavior, yet he still struggles. And since he looks exactly like a typical child, I have had many parents make comments such as these within earshot. You have no idea how much it hurts to hear your child used as an example of how not to behave when you know you're doing the best you can, and that your child simply has a hard time understanding appropriate behavior. There is no need to devalue them. And since we can never know someone's situation, it's always safe to just keep your opinion to yourself.

I really believe, if someone isn't a good influence then at least they are a warning.

That means, don't be afraid to use their behavior to tell your daughter, "I'm so proud of you that YOU don't act like that." or "If I ever saw you acting like that, I would be really embarrassed." Encourage good behavior in your home and really praise your daughter when she's polite.

Also, if other kids in your house don't act the way you expect, just tell them in a gentle but firm and clear way, "Please stay off the furniture except for sitting." or "Here is the snack. If you don't like that, then you are welcome to just have a glass of water." I tell my kids almost every day, "Every family has different rules. We have ours and I expect you to follow OUR rules. And when other people visit our home, they need to follow our rules (just like when you're at someone else's home, you need to follow their rules, as long as you know it would be okay with us.)

Good luck!

As you pointed out yourself, not everyone has the same standards when it comes to good manners. I am surprised too sometimes, at how "assertive" some children are at other people's homes. We had one child visiting who would always help himself to juice from our fridge. Never asked, just opened the fridge, took out the juice, opened the cabinet to get a glass...The first time this happened I couldn't believe my eyes. There was another kid who would come into the house through the patio door (without knocking or waiting), march up to my son's room to see if he felt like coming out to play.
I think when you live with good manners every day, the kids will automatically adopt the same mannerisms. At a young age they may still need some reminders to say thank you, to chew with the mouth closed, etc, but that's ok. I don't think that hanging out with bad mannered kids will have an adverse impact in the long run. You and your family are the most important role models when it comes to manners and living good manners every day will teach your daughter good manners.

You're right. It's amazing. I think all you can do is keep teaching your kid(s) the right behavior. I just had a b-day party for my son yesterday with 16 six and seven year old boys. After they were done playing baseball, I was handing out Wet Ones b/c they were then going to eat lunch and O. boy said "thank you" as I handed him his wipe. Sigh.
At your house, you can enforce YOUR rules though. You say they "climb all over the furniture, run, shout and argue with each other." uh-uh--no way. While they are in your house, they should follow your rules.

When the other children come to your home sit them down and tell them that bad behavior is not tolerated in your home. Your children are not allowed to jump on the furniture and they are not either. If they complain about a snack offered they should politely refuse it. No other snack need to be offered. If they behave like brats you should send them home. Just because their parents tolerate bratty behavior you do not need to. If their bad behavior rubs off on your child (which it probably will) then do not allow your child to play with these children. If the parents of the other children have a problem with that then so be it. You are responsible for your child. You must raise your child the best way you know how. The most important influence on your child through their entire childhood years from age 1 - 20 is their friends.

If the kids want to play at your house and with your child then they will WANT to act appropriately.

Be firm. YOU are the parent here. You don't need to do what is popular. You only need to do what is right!

You're probably doing this already against the things they see on TV. You be the parent and teach them then things you feel is right (and you are, in this case). You can't do anything about the other kids or parents so don't waste energy with useless frustration. Focus into making your kid better.

I didn't read your responses, but good for you for noticing at such a young age. You can influence her so much! My son is ten and it really stands out when his friends are polite! So many adults have no manners and are impolite these days.

We have very close friends whose little boy acts a lot like you have described. I agree that it is hard to figure out how to handle the situation. We have started to use him as an example of how we don't act. I'll ask my daughter if its the right thing to do to act that way, what ever it was he did, and she always says no. It's an easy way to reinforce what's right or wrong. When they come to visit, we now feel comfortable in telling him that we don't jump on the furniture or throw toys or what ever it may be in our house. His parents are now more considerate and keep on top of him more. When we are at their house, we correct our daughter if she is participating in his craziness and remind her of her manners. It was awkward at first to do this around them but I've seen them starting to correct their son more now. Good luck with it and try to find a positive way to turn it around and take advantage of the "education" of it. :)

Oh my goodness!!! You are an AWESOME mother! I wish more mothers were like you and me! I feel the same way and often feel like it is easier to avoid the play dates then correct the problem after the play date. My daughter is 3 1/2 and my husband and I talk about this ALL the time. I know that a few times if the situation is really bad...I just say to my daughter, their parents may allow them to act that way, but mommy doesn't allow you to act that way because it isn't nice and it won't get you far acting like that. I just lay it all out there. I am a preschool teacher and just today my co-teacher and I were talking about this. We can tell the child who's parents teach them manners and/or discipline them. It is sad because the ones that aren't being taught aren't going to get far in life. But then sometimes I look at my daughter and wonder if she is just going to get stomped all over when she gets to school. I don't know...you just have to do what you feel is right. I think teaching manners is the only thing to do and say a lot prayers for your children and their future friends. Good luck.

You are definatly not wrong, I have excerienced this through out my childrens lives. When they were younger, I picked their friends based on my preferences to the parents and their manner of decipline.
At your daughters age I took the opprotunity to tell my childen that I didn't expect them to behave that way, ever, whether I was around or not. I also clearly stated what would happen if they did.
It seems to have worked to some extent, I always hear from other parents how much they like having my kids over and how well behaved they are.

I know what you mean M.. In the past I whenever my daughter and I came across some badly behaved kids I always gave her a big hug and said " Oh man am I glad that you don't act like that." Even at a young age she replyed like " I know he (she) has no manner". The thing is that kids reflect what they see, and whenever I incounter " a brat from hell" I they to figure out what is wrong with the partents. As for such be behavior in your home....you need to set rules. No jumping on the furniture or you are going home....You don't like the snack...too bad this is what we are having and you go hungry.

We have taught our daughters two wrongs dont make a right. We also have private conversations when we see misbehavior, "What would happen to YOU if you acted that way?" "How do you think his/Her Mommy feels about the way he is acting?" "Would you like Mommy or Daddy to act that way towards you?" "Do you think he/she is going to get his way when he is acting like that?" My husband and I use manners towards them. If I want them to use Ma'm and Sir, I use them towards them. Please, Thank You, no Thank You, are used everyday in our house. Are they perfect, no way! But they are learning.

I just want to say, keep up the good work! I am so appreciative of other moms who teach their kids the right ways to act, to be kind and courteous. I have a little son who is 3, and we PRAISE him to no end when he acts kind to others. The other day at Chik Fil A, a little girl just came up to him and pushed him, and he just stood there and looked at her, then looked at me. I was Sooooo proud of him for not pushing her back! I praised him, then when we got home I told his dad about it and my son just glowed! I want my son to meet a wonderful woman one day, and us moms have to stick together in raising our kids right, so that they can have wonderful spouses in the future! Thanks for your work.

I've watched a couple of generations of kids, and they generally grow up reflecting the manners and behavior lived by their parents. When parents have a positive attitude and are polite and respectful to themselves, their children, their neighbors and strangers, that's what their children reflect as they gradually gain the ability to control their spontaneous energies.

When other parents don't have such a great attitude or such clear expectations of their children, it's likely that their own parents didn't consistently model positive behavior.

It is possible to learn those values and skills, but it seldom occurs to adults to look further than what they already "know." That's true for all of us, you and I included. It takes a lot of consciousness to notice and find a wish to correct anything about our own beliefs, attitudes, or behavior.

No don't feel like you're wrong. My husband and I work hard to instill good manners and appreciation in our 4 1/2 year old son. Unfortunately common courtesy ain't so common anymore and we can only hope there are more mothers like us who are working hard to keep them going!

Those parents and kiddos will learn by watching and listening to you. U preface the playdates at your house with: At our house, we always say please, we always say thank you. Or, here are some rules we follow at our house: no shoes on the furniture, running is for outside, etc... Just stay the course and they will come around. You make sure your kiddos know the standard. When you are with other adults, don't waiver on what you expect!
Manners mean so much!!! They will pay off 10fold in school!

This probably won't be the best answer but, I point out the bad behavior and let my kids see how awful it is and that I never expect to see them act this way, not necessarily at that particular moment, but we talk about it when we get home. Another one of my HUGE peeves is, parents who allow their kids to eat with their mouths open and make smacking sounds while eating. Talk about bad manners....it makes my skin crawl. I actually have a friend who's child displays his food very openly while chewing, even talks....I can no longer eat with them if he's around. It makes me sick. Does anyone know of a tactful way to bring this up as a "hello, your kids eats like pig and you're letting him!!"??

send me a email, ____@____.com and i will send u the name of a set of books all on manners, they really helped us.. when my kids were little, whatever the specific action or characteristic that needed improvement had a book with examples with illustrations! maybe u can tell the other parents how much u have enjoyed the books, and maybe they could use them too?? justa thought.. i got them at the recycled book store. of course could get new friends?

First of all kudos to you for teaching your son manners. I agree alot of parents would rather be their child's friend then parent them. Now addressing the bad behaviour of others in your home. When they first enter your home set your ground rules from the get-go. Tell them in this house we do not climb on furniture, no running or shouting, and there is no fighting or crying when playing. Does everyone understand? If you can't do this then don't play. You can stay and color or read a book. This allows the kids to control their own decisions and actions so you are not chasing them around. Kids catch on pretty fast on what they can pull and on who. Good Luck!