Advice on a Very Strong Willed 4 Year Old Daughter!!

.... at times, when my kids have been SO strong willed, and which kid isn't... what I did was a Mommy time out.
Meaning, if they did not cooperate or whatever and it was over the top, (I gauged it, it was for exceptions), then when they asked me for something/and had attitude with it... I said "No." And I added "If you cannot cooperate with Mommy and be a family member... then I will not, cooperate with you when you are being (insert behavior here)..." and I would walk away.
I told them that they CANNOT push their way around, just to get their way.
I told them, everyone has their limit. And this is it, for MOMMY. You being that way, is not okay. Mommy reached her limit, and that's it. I will not, cooperate with you or be "nice" when you are that way. And then I would walk away. And NOT give in, to any hissy fit or backtalk or anything.
I told them they can scream or grumble all they want, but it will not work. They are a PART of a family. They are not their own satellite.
A family is a TEAM. I also told them "you KNOW what that means. So act it. If you CHOOSE to be icky, that is your choice. But do NOT, make the day miserable for anyone else. It is YOUR, choice."
And I would walk away. Even sit down and read a magazine.
My kids KNEW... when I told them that, it meant business.

I told them, it is NOT okay. To be, and act that way... and they KNOW it.

When I took MYSELF out of the equation... and told my kids that I will NOT... cooperate with them, when they are like that... they instantly changed, their behavior.
And then I would tell them "see, you CAN control it. I am not fooled. I know, you know, darn well.... how to act or not."

Also while doing and saying that to them, I do not "argue" with them.
It is not a debate.
And, a kid needs to learn that they are not a special little snowflake.
Nor is one, when they act, that way.

I suggest you read some parenting books to learn ways to discipline her. One book is 1-2-3 Magic. Another is one written by jane nelson. I highly recommend Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay.

I suggest that whatever you do while feeling frantic will not work. One has to be calm and consistent. First find a way to calm down. Know that you're not alone. Build up you confidence by focusing on the parts of your life that make you happy. Take care of yourself. Give yourself a break. Schedule time for your self.

Take time to read about parenting and discipline. Know that when you change the way you are reacting to her it will get better. I suggest that you and your daughter are in a power struggle because you feel that you have no control. Kids sense this and fill the void when the parent has lost control. The harder you try to prove you're in charge the more the child will try to prove that they are in charge. Not because they want to be in charge. In fact they are reacting out of fear. When the parent over compensates because they are afraid the child knows, unconsciously that the parent is not really in charge, becomes afraid themselves and keeps testing the parent hoping to be given firm, consistent an unemotional boundaries.

I suggest you start by putting you daughter in her room when she is misbehaving. This gives both of you time to calm down. Do it quickly before you feel upset.

Talk with her ahead of time when both of you are calm. Describe what will happen when she disobeys. That she is to go to her room. That she can come out when she's able to say sorry and behave. She can play in her room because that is one way to calm down. It's a coping technique. When she comes out and apolgizes give her a hug, remind her why she had to go in and reassure her that you know she can do better.

Know that it takes two people to argue. You cannot stop her from trying to argue but you can stop yourself from arguing with her.

I suggest that while you're reading about discipline that you start with just the one thing: sending/taking her to her room. Then choose a philosophy and way to discipline and stick with one way for a month. Start counting the month once you're able for the most part to do this calmly.

I suggest that seeing a parenting/family counselor will help you a great dealer. You will gain confidence as you feel their support. My daughter resisted family counseling for years believing that her parenting difficulties were caused by her daughter's behavior and only if she straightened out it would be OK. My daughter focused on changing her daughter. She's now seeing a family counselor and learning how to change the way she disciplines and seeing success with her daughter.

You might be taking the "pleasing" part of your personality too far. Sounds like you hate conflict. Having a strong willed child will either break you or change you. I vote for change.

Every four yr old is a master at manipulation and bargaining and could be miniature lawyers! You need a parenting philosophy and the guts to stick with it. Love and Logic is a good philosophy and so is 123 Magic, or so I have heard. Pick up the book or look on the website.

You have to love her enough that you stop the disrespecting because it will hurt her in the long run. It's painful to you to have to disapline her but that's a big part of parenting right now. If you do it enough now, you will do it less and less as the yrs go by. But if you don't get a handle on it now, she will be the Bain of your existence in the future.

Most of the time, when they start giving you trouble mouthing off, they go to their room. You don't have to listen to one min of it. She doesn't get an audience. You also need to decide what her "currency" is. What does she like the most? Time with friends is a biggy at this age. Be sure she gets some friend time. Love her, encourage her good moments. But bad behavior means less of her favorites. Take time to understand her. Do not let her run your house. She wants boundaries, needs boundaries. Are you in charge, she is asking. She's not in control of herself all the time. She needs to know you are.

I know of a number of parents of strong-willed kids who have found a lot of wisdom in John Rosemond's parenting books. You can pick up a copy at Barnes & Noble and browse through to get an idea of his approach, as he lists real-life questions from parents, the actions he recommended, and the results. He also writes a syndicated column. In short he believes that most parents don't present kids with consequences that are significant enough to have an impact, and if they do, they don't stick with the consequences long enough for them to be effective. Bright kids figure out pretty quick that mom/dad will cave. Good luck and hang in there - strong kids can be very challenging!

I have a strong willed child, too. What helped me was reading James Dobson's book, "The Strong Willed Child". Don't give up, momma, just the fact that you are trying to iron out this issue just shows how good of a mom you are.

I recommend "Raising Your Spirited Child" By Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
A tremendous help for me. I knew my daughter was going to be strong-willed when she would not let the doctor take her out during the C-section. She kept "swimming" away! I do have to say she has gotten a lot better to work with as she has gotten older, now 6. She still has her moments, but I am much better at handling them.