Walking on Eggshells - Defiant 7 Year Old Daughter

My sister was definitely difficult.
It didn't keep my Mom from doing what she always did.
My sister got her mouth washed out with soap so much it was probably a major factor in why she had so few cavities.
The child needs to learn the world is not going to roll over every time she has a hissy fit.

Walking on eggshells is an expression of fear. Keep reminding yourself that you are her role model and teacher. What are you teaching her by being afraid to stand up and be the parent? You're already working on things with her, so just keep at it until she knows that's the way things are going to be from now on. It takes a long time to get through to stubborn kids, because you have to unteach the bad behaviors she's already learned. Be loving, be firm with the rules, and be consistent about discipline. Kids NEED to know what's expected of them, and what will happen when they break the rules. You're doing everything right (except for the eggshell part).

Do not tiptoe around her or she will do this to you forever. She needs to know that on this earth she is just one out of 6 billion people. A speck on the planet.
A special speck to you but you will no longer be ruled by her tyrannical ways.
There will be consequences. No phone or tv or dessert or whatever.
Seven is an age when the conscience has developed. You are not dealing with a toddler but a person who knows what she is doing.
It'll take a year to get her behavior adjusted so that she is one of the family and not a princess in a normal family.
Now pull yourself together. Praise and criticism are necessary here. Criticism when you don't get respect and praise for good behavior and jobs well done.
My kids cleaned house on clean up night from the age of 7. She needs to put some labor into the family.

In my experience, the previous poster starts out right on target in her first paragraph, but then recommends a disciplinary approach that causes absolute havoc in many families – my childhood was essentially wrecked by a mother who firmly believed in spanking (as promoted by The Strong-Willed Child and Dare to Discipline philosophy). We four daughters looked like the ideal, loving family to the casual onlooker who didn't get to see inside our home.

My mom ruled, and I know she loved us as well as she was able, but our experience was that she ruled through fear and shame. All of us have had a great deal of work to do as adults to find ourselves and our inherent sense of right and wrong. And one of my sisters never recovered from her outrage – she is emotionally disabled and has lived dependent on the generosity of the public for the past decade or so.

So this is an area of intense interest for me, as daughter, a parent, a former tutor for at-risk teens, a sometime child-care provider for neighbors and church, and a life-long student of human nature. There are beautiful, practical, and effective alternatives to ruling your children through spanking and stern punishments.

Some of the best:
Parenting Without Power Struggles by Susan Stiffelman,
Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD., and
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. The latter, particularly, is the best parenting book I have ever read, and I use the principles with every child I know and work with. I can almost watch the blossoming of comprehension and gratitude for the respect it gives the child, without ever surrendering the authority of the adult. Both parent and child get to relax and appreciate each other in a new way. And I've seen this approach turn around some pretty disturbing behavior in a number of young families I've recommended this book to.

Heck no. No negative fall out allowed for me doing my job. Unheard of. If you show her weakness now, she will grow to be weak in her own boundaries when she's out in a world that doesn't walk on eggshells for her. Or she'll be a bully who bosses other kids around. Or she'll feel insecure because no one has shown her how to stand up for what's right and not be swayed by opposition. Praise has it's place, but there is something to be said for being expected to act properly in building confidence. Don't let her ability to bully you as a child be mistaken for strength. She needs you to be her strong leader. You're her mom, feel your power for her benefit. You can do it! Get this book:
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

My daughter who is 3 1/2 has done this to our family too. ( she has 5 siblings ) Keep working on what you are doing. My little one is strong willed and goes nuts whenever she does not get her way or is scolded. It is very hard not to give in to her wants just so so everyone can have some peace. We are struggling every day.
I try tell myself that it will pass and she will come around. I won't sugar coat it she is very unreasonable at times but as parents we do the best we can for each child. Keep trying!
J.

Heather, I looked back and remembered your question from last year about your strong-willed daughter. I think you are probably hoping to find the line to walk between coddling her and breaking her spirit. This is the nitty gritty of parenting - raising a responsible, functioning adult who can live a "normal" life in the big world. Every parent is on this journey with you!

I definitely raise an eyebrow, as the others have said, at the phrase "walking on eggshells". Your child should NOT have that kind of power in your home. If you would be horrified at your child if she were defiant to another adult, how much more should you be horrified to see her behaving that way to her own parents???

My older daughters are 8 1/2 and 6 1/2, and I can calmly discipline a lot of things, but if they are sassy, rolling their eyes/huffing, or being outright defiant, they get immediately sent to their rooms because I will not tolerate their egos trying to show me how superior they think they are! And they have no idea how much there is to learn, so there's no point arguing with them and losing control, because they have no capacity of grasping how small they are in the scope of knowledge and experience in the world. So they lose my attention and presence until they are ready to be respectful.

I understand the power of praise for actual achievements, but do not recognize the value in praising a 7 year old for getting herself dressed in the morning. Good grief, my 3 year old does that! Praise has it's place, as does discipline. Once you find the method of discipline that seems to be most effective for your daughter (it seems tantrum-throwers in general respond to lack of attention from a parent) then you and your husband need to sit down and lay out the ground rules at a non-confrontational time. "Susie, we are responsible for making you into a really great adult. We're trying to teach you what you need to know so that you can have lots of friends and a good job and be a happy person . . . you need to respect us and realize that we're in charge, not you. If you disrespect us or are defiant (give concrete examples of what that means) then you will be disciplined (give actual consequence). We are going to be firm with this, and no matter how big a tantrum you throw, it's not going to change our minds . . ." Then you have the BIG job of carrying out what you just promised.

I think these books might be helpful for you - The New Strong-Willed Child, and Dare to Discipline. Blessings on your journey!!
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_35/180-###-###-#...

The book: "Your Seven Year Old" from Amazon is good. It merely talks about what each age stage is like, developmentally.

Also, do a Google Search on "7 year old Development."

Here's a link for example:
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/09/13/earlyshow/serie...

Girls, are often more emotional. I have a boy and girl.

But do not tip-toe around her. Kids need to learn boundaries.
And, if they are not taught "coping skills" for their frustrations/emotions, they will not know how to automatically, handle themselves.
Some adults don't even know how to do that.

Mainly, learn about age-stages and development, and with that in mind, and per your daughter's personality... handle her.
You are the Mom, not her. Kids need direction and taught how to express themselves and to know their feelings too.

To a certain extent, each child IS different. Thus, treating each kid the same, may not work. Each child has their own personality and what affects them.

all the best,
Susan

Oh yes, my youngest child can be a behavior challenge, to say the least. Read the book "The Explosive Child" It saved us with her. There is a particular story in the beginning of the book, you may even be able to find that part online, about a girl who throws a fit out of the blue over the simple act of her sibling choosing waffles for breakfast. When I read that, I knew the author "got" my child. Since we changed our approach with her, things improved greatly. I feel much more relaxed and ready to handle any kind of reaction or behavior she may display.

I definitely understand. It sounds like she has some special needs? Our son has ADHD and a number of lesser conditions, so we constantly are on guard about how we do everything. Every parenting technique is magnified when you have a child with special needs, so I totally understand the stress of it all.

The fact is, in these situations, you do have to treat your children differently. For instance, I can't expect our son to sit down and behave at dinner when his medication is konking out the same way I expect his younger sister to. You have to do what makes sense in your unique situation and don't guilt yourself about factors out of your control.

Just do the best you can and don't beat yourself up when you have off days. Every parent does. No one is perfect. Let her have reactions and learn how to deal with those reactions as they come up.

I feel your pain. I too have a very difficult 7 year old daughter. Her mood changes constantly. What she liked before doesn't always mean she is going to like it now. Very frustrating. She is very strong willed and if she doesn't get what she wants or something changes (she's very routine oriented) she has a melt down. She's been diagnosed with ADHD and has some learning disabilities on top of all that. Pluse she's very immature for her age. We have her in counseling, on meds, in special ed at school and we are doing a positive reinforcement program with her. Still with all of that we too feel like we have to walk on eggshells around her. We are still trying to find what works for her. Just be patient with her and work with her as much as you can. I've learned that no two children are alike therefore what worked with one, may not work with the other. You have to have some flexibility in your parenting. It's trial and error unfortunately. Always be yourself but you may have to treat her different than you do the other kids simply because she has different needs. Just let her know what is acceptable and what's not. Don't fear her reactions. If she reacts in an unacceptable manner, tell her so and have her seperate herself if she can until she can calm down. Or if you can just simply walk away. If she's not getting the attention from it, she may stop. I don't know if anything I have said made any sense but hopefully it did. Just know you aren't alone. Hang in there.