Advice on Becoming a Full Family from Being a Single Parent.

Hello R.,

I went from being a single mom to a 2 parent family. I lost my son's dad some years ago and was concerned about meeting someone new. I slowly introduced my now husband to my son and made sure to include him in all family friendly things, like the movies, dinner, the park, etc. It was difficult for me because my fiance passed very suddenly, so I had to work through that with my son as well as bringing another person into his life. Your son is older than my son was when the transition was made, but sit down and talk to him, explain how this person makes you feel and have a conversation with the two of them together. As far as your fiance, explain to him as well your son has been the man in your life those 9 years and it will take some time for him to accept him sharing you with another person. They both have to understand and bring your feelings into consideration, because you too are going to be making big changes. I actually waited to marry when my son was old enough to understand the transition. He was then about your son's age now.

I’m your son, 25 years later. My mom who left my dad before I was born met who I now call my father when I was 13. I hated him for invading my home, for taking my mother away from me. All I can say is take it one day at a time. He is going to lash out. Be careful which battles you and your husband want to win. Also make sure you give your son some alone time, just you and him. The most innocent thing can be heartbreaking to him. I think it was our first Christmas together, I was up stairs and my mother called me down to help decorate the tree. When I got down stairs that tree was already put together. I flipped. It wasn’t that I wanted to put the tree together. It was that they (she) did it with out me. You don’t have an easy road ahead. Good luck!! Just keep in mind, that now I call him “my father”, and love him very deeply.

Hi,
I know you! I was you! My husband and I have been together now for 18 years. We are a "yours, mine and ours" family. I lived alone with my six year old for five years before I met my husband. I didn't think I would ever get married again. Then I met my soon to be husband and the world tilted. Within a year I was pregnant (not planned). On my 30th birthday I was pregnant and the dad to be said we really should get married. I was not exactly gung ho and had to be convinced. Luckily he's a pretty persuasive guy. He had a son who was three. In the beginning it was a little rough. I was used to having full control of my son. I didn't like sharing. So slowly that you couldn't notice until you really sat and thought about it, we became a family. First rule: talk about everything. Second rule: allow the family to exist. Don't fight about anything in front of the kids. Discuss everything in private. No need to make them think that they are causing problems. Third rule: learn to share. Share everything - don't let one of you handle one thing and the other everything else. My son loves his "pa" and my stepson confides in me more than anyone else. We also have a sixteen year old son together and a twelve year old daughter.
It took work and patience but I wouldn't have missed this for the world.
The two of you are much more mature than you were the first time around and that's a big advantage. As long as you love each other and listen this will be joyous. There will be rough times - hang on to the thought of why you're together in the first place. Be patient and listen.

Congratulations on the second chance.
You are blessed.

Hi R., I have 2 girls by a preious marriage, nd 2 step children. The biggest advice i can give to you is, include your son in on "family matter's", don't keep him in the dark ( I'm not saying to ask your son which bill to pay light's or phone, but where to go for vacation, what movie to watch tonight stuff like that) the more you make him feel like he is still very important to you the better. Also make sure you and soon to be hubby are on the same page when it comes to discipline and rules for your son. I know it's gonna be hard because he has always been YOUR son, but you now have someone to help you out.Set aside family night for all of you to sit down to do something together, and set aside a night where it is just you and your son. Talk to your son, let him know that you are always there to listen to any complaints, uneasyness, likes or dislikes that he might be having. Let your son know that he is still YOUR LITTLE MAN and you will always listen to him, even if you might not like what you hear. Good Luck with the new life that you will be entering now!!!!!!!!!

This is an article that has been helping out a lot of single parents going into dating and marriage.

“Kids, I’d Like You To Meet My Guy”

This Month’s Expert: Ellie Slott Fisher
Author of Mom, There’s a Man in the Kitchen and He’s Wearing Your Robe: The Single Mother’s Guide to Dating Well Without Parenting Poorly and a widowed and divorced mother of two

Question: Since my divorce almost two years ago, I’ve started dating again and am now seeing a great new guy. When and how should I go about introducing him to my kids, who are 9 and 4?

Answer: While you shouldn’t try to hide your social life from your kids, it’s important to give them time to get used to the idea of a new man in your life. Start by letting your children know that you’ve met a really nice guy – you can tell them to meet him. Tell them a little about him: for example, where he lives, his occupation and his kids’ ages. Show them your excitement about going out on dates.
Regardless of how old your kids are, they will react. They may feel a sense of betrayal – particularly if they harbor hopes you’ll get back together with their dad – and fear the loss of your attention. Try to read each child’s individual feelings and be honest and direct. If your younger child is afraid you’ll stop loving her, reinforce the obvious: “No one will ever get in the way of my love for you.” If your older child doesn’t understand why you want to date, give a few age-appropriate reasons: “I do things with him I can’t do with you, like go out dancing.”
Keep the first few meetings between the kids and your guy short and sweet. Later on, you can plan child-friendly outings, like bowling. Since seeing you sleeping with another man can be upsetting and confusing, you may want to leave the overnights for when your kids are on a sleepover. But if he does stay (and you’re not comfortable with your kids knowing), make sure he “wakes up” on the sofa. While you might not want to introduce your kids to every guy you date, letting them meet the ones you really like shows them that dating is how you get to know someone and judge if he’s right for you. –Interview by Pamela Kramer

Single Moms’ Dating Tips:

Go Slow and Steady
My rule is to schedule dates for the weekends my children go to their father’s house. Since they go every other weekend, I can count on having that time free. This “no meeting children” rule gives me time to get to know the man better. Most men understand this rule, but quite a few do not and have tried to push me into introductions. These men get shown the door.
-Cheryl Cruz, office manager, Naperville, IL

Talk It Through
It’s very important to always be honest with your children. Don’t lie or try to hide the fact that you are seeing someone new. By the same token, when you think the man you’re seeing is ready to meet your kids, discuss it and see how he feels. Everyone’s feelings need to be considered.
-Melissa LeTourneau, pricing coordinator, Bay City, MI

Take It Easy
Introduce your kids to your boyfriend somewhere neutral and relaxing (such as a park.) Under no conditions should they meet at a major family event or on a holiday. Don’t be overly demonstrative in front of the children, either; in fact, don’t be physically affectionate at all at first. It can make kids really uncomfortable.
-Natalie Morris, computer teacher, Gardner, KS

Well one thing's for sure, if your fiance jumps RIGHT in with discipline, he's going to be resented. You and he need to make a plan/strategy about how much or how little you both agree he should be involved in your child's discipline and decision making. If not, you're going to be butting heads when your fiance jumps in telling your child he can or can't do this, and you may disagree. Nip that in the bud by having a frank, honest talk with him about your comfort level in this area, so that you don't butt heads later. You especially don't want to disagree with each other in front of the child, that's the worst, then the kid's picking sides, resentful, etc. While you're having your talk with him on this subject, you should also agree that should you vehemently disagree about what he's telling the child he can or can't do, you can NOT voice this disapproval in front of your son. It's important to show a united front, it's the only way it's going to work! Promise to take each other aside and privately discuss these things and come to an agreement, so that when something is said to your son, that you are standing behind one another. Good luck!

hew R., i was also the single mom.even though i have been married for almost 8 years. me and my spouse were separted for almost 4 of those years. the best thing i would do is have your finace over on the weekends.set some simple ground rules.like if the bedroom door is closed please please please knock. your child is only a year or so older than mine. and she does actully respond very well when you take the time to explain things to her. i try not to talk to her like a child with things i know she not only has to understand but can if explained right.but doing the weekend stayovers would be wise i think.she got use to seeing her dad more often. instead of all at once.i hope this helps. let me know how things go

How does your son get along with your soon to be husband? My children were 4 and 7 when I was married to my husband. The easiest thing for me was to make special "date" nights with the kids. My daughter and son were a part of all the decisions with the wedding and everything that went with it. Make sure he takes an active role in raising your son as well as the new baby. Spending quality alone time between your hubby and your son works wonders also. You also have to remember that your not just getting married, your also having another child. But with alot of patience things will work out well.