Wow! From teacing experience with this age (I know it is not the same as our own kids.) YOU have to respect THEM first. I know it sounds crazy, and probably not the way you were raised. But please listen, I have taught several classes of kids, and every year my kids come back to me b/c I loved them for who they were. Year after year they come back for hugs and affection more than any other teacher. The teachers that 'demand' to be respected NEVER get it from the kids. The kids get more and more defiant. Now, you are probably thinking ya ya ya those classes are all tree huggers too! ;) But, really my class is always at the top, walks the line, follows every direction, yatta yatta--because they know I am acting out of love not frustratoin. (I always have a 'plan' discussed with them also before anything ever happens. Then I follow it immediately after behavior. Also if I am really mad about what they did, I never talk to them until I have calmed down--part of our plan--they sit in a special place and wait for me!) They know I respect them as a person first not some little kid. In return they respect me so much! I never show judgement, just talk real to them. This is how I feel when you do this... I don't like it when you bla bla bla... How do you think others feel when you do... What do you want to be when you grow up... how are you going to get there doing this...
Forget your husband and forget the past. All you have is now. Be the person you want them to be. You have all been through a lot and it will be a tough road. Best of luck!
**Also, talk to the school counselor. Ours does tons of little small group talks with other kids going through the same thing.