Advice on Dealing with Almost 3 Year Old Who Has a New Sibling

My kids are the same age apart. My older son was almost 3 when my younger son was born.

We had the same issues. A couple of things worked. When the baby is sleeping, even though that is your time to get done all the things you needed to do when he was awake (or at least that's what *I* felt that the nap time was for), take some time to spend that time with your older son.

Have special things that he can play with only when you are feeding the baby or when the baby is sleeping.

As for discipline, we used 1-2-3 magic. Since you don't have time to read, here is the quick and dirty explanation. When he is doing something he is not supposed to do, you can count...1-2-3. If he doesn't stop (or do what you are asking), then he has to sit down for 2 minutes (minutes equal to his age). The timer starts when he sits nicely (you can pick a chair/couch, spot on the steps, place of the floor, or whatever.). The first few times might be rough. I think the first time we ever did it, he went into a screaming fit for 30 minutes. The next time was maybe 10 and then now, he just goes to the spot and sits (usually!). When the crying stops, then the timers starts. Once he's done his "time" then he needs to explain why he had to sit out and apologize and say how he might do things differently next time.

Before you begin, you can explain to him that "mommy doesn't want to yell at you anymore" and this is something for all of us to be better listeners and be able to use our "inside voices" or something like that. Explain what the process is. He will probably use the most inconvenient time as his first test. Be prepared to wait it out.

I know this time is hard. It gets better. It really does! I spent the first few weeks wondering what I did to my family by wanting another baby. It seemed to throw things off so much.

My boys are 5 and 2 now and they are great together. Once he sees that his baby brother can be fun, he may start to listen better too. My little guys first smile was at his big brother...just melted my heart.

Good Luck and feel free to ask anything else.
B.

I've found myself going on that "dwindling spiral" which is the child doesn't want to listen, so I get more stern the NEXT TIME I ask them to do something in anticipation of them not listening. Pretty soon I'm ordering them around like a dictator and I just get more not-listening. Because seriously, would YOU listen to someone ordering you around?

I definitely don't tolerate being ignored (I use the 1-2-3 method) but I do need to remember that the child is a person and when I'm tired and crabby and they're not listening it's easy to go into "dictator" mode. I've found kids are much more willing if you appeal to their sense of "help" (Could you please help mommy? I really need you!") and then really praise them.

Also, I realized that it's really annoying for a child to have to stop what they're doing to carry out your command. I've had better luck with listening when giving a heads up. I use a timer and give the "three minute warning." They have three more minutes to play (or whatever) and then when the timer goes off they need to XYZ. I've found that if I just walk in the room and interrupt the play and say "time to clean up" I get a lot of resistance. Pretty soon there's NO listening going on at all, even for other things. Sure you can't do that all the time, but it does help to do it when possible.

Yes your 3-year old needs to listen to you! But also...is there anything you can do to get his willingness without resorting to domination? You need to run good control...while letting him know he's loved, valued and consulted.

When my 2nd was born we worked to get my older daughter involved with some care. We had her get diapers and go drop them in the pail and pick out clothes (I gave her 2 or 3 choices that I would dress her sister in and let her pick the one she liked best). We never let her feed her sister or hold her. Her ped advised against it b/c then they tend to try to feed them other things that the baby could choke on or try to pick them up when you are out of the room. We made sure it was clear only parents/adults feed and pick up babies. Not sure if this will work with boys, but maybe try to find something in the routine your older one can help with. I also tried to never say she was disturbing the baby. I thought this made it seem we showed favoritism to the baby and would hurt their relationship. I stuck to using house rules of inside voice, no running, etc. that were in place before and stuck to the discipline system we used already of time outs. (1 minute per year old) This helped us keep it between her and me without involving the baby. My younger one slept well and stayed asleep with some of the noise and we also had an awesome glider seat that played music that helped keep the baby asleep when there was background disturbance. Mine are about the same age span as yours. It also helped us to find some 1 on 1 time with our older one to do special stuff without baby with one of us or a grandma. It helped my older one to feel special. At nearly 3 you can reason with them too, which helped us a lot. Good luck. It's hard to find the balance and will take some trial and error. Mine are now 4.5 and nearly 2, and we still work to find a good balance.

It is normal. He is testing you and most likely sees that when you are busy with the baby you aren't able to really enforce what you ask. So you have to come up with a plan that you will use when he does something you don't want him to do or not do. And really make sure what you are expecting of him is something he is capable and if it worth the time and effort to get him to do it. So let's say you want him to pick up something you tell him to do it. Tell him three times if he doesn't do it after three times he goes into a three minute time out. I usually do my time outs on the very bottom stair where I can see them. I wouldn't ask him to do anything while you are busy with the baby. Make sure that you are able to follow through with the time outs (or whatever your plan will be). It is very important not to let your anger get the best of you because this will fuel your sons negative behaviors.

M. O,
I would try to have your 3 year old be as much a part of the new baby as possible. Have him help you by getting a diaper of "read" a book to the baby. Try to make sure you also have one on one time with the 3 year old everyday so that he still feels important. Hope this helps.
K.

I agree with the special time for you little guy...but also, you should not have torepeat yourself over and over and then end up yelling. I give mine a warning or 2...if counting is involved I count backwards 3, 2, 1...so there is no where else to go and then...naughty corner...I do not have to yell or get upset...they are making the choice...naughty corner is all I have to say. If they still are not listening after that, they have to go sit on their beds. There are no toys in their bedrooms so no fun in their rooms!

Good luck
K.

My best suggestion is that you keep your three year old fully involved with the care of the new baby. The one thing the your three year old do not need is to feel as if he is in the way or that he is invisible. He could help with getting the pamper, powder, passing the bottle. He could also help with the hygeine of the baby and you need to organize your time wisely. You must find the time to read to your toddler and sing to him as well you could have reading and music time for the both of them at the same time this is great stimulation for the new baby's language development as well. Teach colors to your three year old and place the newborn nearby so he could hear and see the colors as well.

My daughter was 2.5 when her baby brother was born. She loves him to pieces, and tries to be the big mother. However, she has grown into an attitude since he was born. I am not certain if it is typical 3.5 year old, or if it is because I do have to give more attention to her brother and she was used to having 100% attention before he was born. I try to make special days when it is just her & me, and I notice she does gravitate more to daddy now. I wish I could clone myself and give them 100% attention all the time, but I just can't. Ideally, I would have spaced my children 5 years difference, but my age was not on my side. I guess me doing girl days out with her will have to be sufficient for now, and I hope eventually she grows out of this attitude/non-listening stage.

You have alot of responses so I didnt read through them. So sorry if these are repeats. My son was 2 1/2 when my 2nd son was born. What I did was have my son help me with the baby anytime that I could. That way it seemed like he was the "big helper" and he loved it. Also I didnt want the baby to only be able to sleep when it was only quite. As far as his singing, maybe he can sing just 1 song to his brother and then be off on his way to do other things. You might have to come up with things for him to do while you are attending to the baby. It just sounds like he is trying to get your attention, remember he had just you for all this time. I know it is frustrating, I really do mommy but yelling is just going to make him act up more and no book is going to teach him to be behave! When you are not attending to the baby take sometime to have just you and him time between a load of laundry. And come up with something he can do by himself when you have to attend to the baby and watch him change his behavior. Good Luck!

Yes it is typical behavior. He has just had one of the biggest boundaries in his life change. So he is testing all the other boundaries to see what else changed with it. Now more than ever it is important for your to be consistent with what you ask him to do, and follow through. That with lots of I love you reminders, and include him in helping with the baby so he feels included will help. There are a few things you can do to get him to listen without escalating to the point of yelling. Rather than type it all out.... I have just started a company, and on my web page I am trying to build a list of parenting tips. Go to the site: NaptimeNanny.com then click the "Talk to the Teacher" link on the right side. At the top of that page is a little green bear. Click that link. Tips # 1, 2, and 5 should help tremendously for what you need. It is a short read and worth it. It is the quick summary of 20 years teaching pre-school + parenting courses all rolled into practical how to steps... Let me know how it works for you, and hang in there!

Offer a choice or an ultimatum. Do you want to sing your song in your room or sing in here quietly? Sing in here quietly or else you will have to go to your room to play. Just don't let him think he's in control. Good luck :)

With mine I learned (from my preacher) that you always make your little one look you in the eyes when you tell him something. Make him look at you, repeat what you said and then give him a consequence if he doesn't complete the task or do what you said. Then always, always, always follow through if he doesn't follow directions. It can be a tedious at first, but you will find it makes your life so much easier and more sane.

If you happen to be Catholic, perhaps you may find the listener-supported talk radio programs a good way to have this question answered as well as others along your journey.
This should be the website that sends you directly to Dr. Ray Guarendi's website and links, and you can either listen to the programs live and call in, send an e-mail, or check out the audio archives which would allow you to tend to other things as you listen in rather than read. http://www.relevantradio.com/Page.aspx?pid=1292

I do not know of a particular show where your precise situation may have discussed, but the archives run as far back to May 2008 until the current month. If I happen to find a show that has discipline tips for a 3 year-old, I will try to send you the date of the show. The Best of Dr. Ray is also archived and perhaps this parenting tip may help: http://www.drray.com/tips/thespirityc.htm

Many blessings to you!

Alphie Kohn who's written some great parenting books also has a dvd called "Unconditional Parenting" based on the book by the same name. Something like this might be more manageable for you at this busy time and give you a little perspective shift. He has a really positive and research-based perspective based on respect and connection with children.

Hello and congratulations on your new wee one...I can understand the difficulty you are having. I have 4 children 19,10,9,and to be 6 in March. (my 9 and 10 year olds are only 10 months apart) When I had the middle ones, my daughter was older and could understand what was happening, and she handled it well. When I had my youngest, the 2 middle ones were used to me being home with them, going to classes at the park district with me, having lunch, the park etc....when the newest baby came, we still did those things, but would have "interruptions" when he needed a diaper, feeding or just plain had a fit.I worked out with them that when he took his nap, or even was quiet in my lap or swing that we could do a special activity that they got to pick. We did lots of arts and crafts, made cookies, went for walks to collect rocks, pincones and leaves (when it gets warmer lol and bring bags or containers to collect his treasures, be sure to ooh and aah at each one). It really made a difference. I selected crafts for them to choose that needed minimal supplies and supervision for their age so that we did it "together" but if necessary, I could tend to baby. (Crayola has a wonderful washable gel paint that comes in strips of 5 color wells that do not drip and wash off in the event of accidents) They love to make cookies even now, and with all the practice from when they were little, they are really great cooking helpers now. I am so close to them and they are very close with their little brother. Just give him a little time each day. Even 10 minutes set aside is enough for him, read his favorite story, have a snack, let him watch his favorite show while sitting in your lap. Make sure to give him lots of cuddles and hugs and it will work out just fine. Remind him that this is your special time, and he will come to look forward to it. On rough days, remind him, special time is in an hour (or whatever and set him a timer he can watch) If the baby is uncooperative when it's just you guys, set the time aside for after daddy gets home. You'll have many days of numb legs from having both in your lap simultaneously but it is totally worth it...Good Luck

Well, it is eighteen something years later when that happened to me and I still can't figure it out. The oldest one went so far as to slap the baby in his rocker then came in and told me matter of factly 'I don't like that baby'. Baby was in tears and so was I. Then of course there will be times when they do and times when they don't. You are doing the best you can and you are on target about the baby brother issue. I can't think of what else it could be. You can experiment here, hug him at the same time, don't talk to him, you walk away whenever he is acting like that. Although I'm sure some of it's not convenient either. Some things work, some don't. But most of all I think bigger brother will work it out. His esteemed position has been taken away. AS time goes on and he is school or other activities he might actually show some pride in baby brother once in awhile.I imagine you are inside a lot because of the weather, too, so everyone is getting a bit frazzled.. Sometimes things aren't such a big deal. Today is my son's 24th birthday and what I wouldn't give to have those days back.I would have let him sing loud and hugged him every chance I could. He is in the Navy and I can't reach him and I don't know where he is. Things will work out. They always do. Hang in there.

Ok, let's find the positive side here. He's not back to diapers is he? I went through that and it's bad.

He just wants some attention. I used to watch something on tv with my oldest while the baby was napping (sometimes I dozed off). I also had special stuff he could play with like playdough, that the baby couldn't have. I even tried to read him books while I was nursing.

Do you have any friends/relatives in the area who can help you make a big deal about how he's such a big boy? Maybe they could watch the baby and you could take him to McDonald's or someplace for lunch.

You don't need to buy him anything fancy, just spend some time with him - color, watch something, read a book, etc. That's all he needs.

Congrats - and I'm in the same situation. A 3 year old and a new baby.

This has worked for us, but we've had some of your same issues too.

1) The 1-2-3 has worked wonders for us. For some reason my daughter jumps to attention when I say "1" - she does not want me to get to 3 and go in time out.

2) Give him choices. For example, (I just did this one yesterday) "you can come into the bathroom yourself for a bath, or I can come pick you up and bring you in." It gives them a sense of control and you are still getting done what you need.

3) That special time. My husband was on vacation last week and I made a point of spending some real one-on-one time with my daughter - like we used to before the baby was born. I took her to the library then to McDonald's for lunch. Then my husband and I took her bowling while grandma watched the baby. Maybe you can treat her to something like this every couple weeks, in addition to that one-on-one time at home.

Good luck and I feel for you.
Cheers.