Advice on Grown 43 Mom Who Chooses Men over Children

Wow, talk about tough. I was once in a dysfunctional relationship so I know how hard it can be to get away both physically and emotionally. But once you have kids and addiction issues to deal with it becomes a whole new ballgame. There are some addiction issues in my own family so I understand some of these complications.

There are a few ways this can go and none are particularly easy.
Start by talking to your daughter one on one. Tell her that you are scared for her and your grandchildren. That you’re afraid that your family is being torn apart (obviously the two oldest kids are already keeping their distance) and you want to help. You daughter obviously has trouble detaching from this man. This could be due to love or fear or just part of her addictive nature. I’m thinking it’s most likely this last one, most addicts trade one addiction for another when they “recover”. Because of this you really have to tread lightly. I know you hate him but you can’t vilify him or it will only alienate your daughter more. If you focus on your fears for your family in your conversation there’s a chance she might see what’s happening and agree to work to change the situation.

Sadly this probably won’t work. I hope it does, I really do. But the sad fact is that this kind of behavior is very hard to change. Do her son and the youngest have the same legal father (I say legal rather than biological b/c when it comes to custody what it says on a birth certificate holds a lot more weight in court than what it says in our DNA) and do you have a decent relationship with him? If so you need to talk to him about getting the 9 year old away from this situation. If you are financially able to take in the 17 year old so that he can finish school with his friends and his father will agree to it that may be best for him. However this starts to get into all kinds of crazy legal stuff. You may need to prepare yourself to go to family court so you should get a lawyer. Also be prepared for this to get very ugly before it actually starts to get better. I hate to say it, but the bet result for the kids may be for their mother to file abandonment papers with family court and have the kids go to live with you or their father. Getting that done will inevitably be a fight.

I hope this works out for you and these kids and I will send all the positive energy I can spare to you and them. And good for you by the way. All too often children suffer these issues alone b/c they don’t have extended family to fight for them. It’s wonderful that you are helping them. They will be better for it.

Good luck
Alli

What a horrible situation for your grandkids. I agree with the last person about talking with the younger childs father and if possible letting the 17 year old finish out high school while staying with you. If your daughter doesn't want to agree to that situation I think your only choice for you to protect your grandchild is to contact children protective services and have him taken out of the home. If you can get the kids out of the home, I think your best choice is tough love and cut your daughter off from financial help from you and your husband. Good luck
Amanda

Wow. My heart really goes out to you and your family. Trying to deal with drug issues is bad enough without it being complicated by a toxic relationship. I have seen similar situations. Moms losing their kids and everything else, even if they weren't the ones using the drugs, to hang on and stand by their "man". I had one friend in particular who had the biggest, most beautiful heart, (and I will speak gently about her since she has passed away), she got tangled up with a very, VERY bad guy. He was into SERIOUS stuff. He was verbally abusive, cheated on her. I begged her to leave him. Her father was a sheriff so it's not like she wasn't raised knowing right from wrong. But, she LOVED him. She received a very large amount of child support for her first 3 children, but there was never any milk or fruit or cereal because he wouldn't work and needed her money for "other" things. I can't tell you how many times I bought food for those kids. Not only wouldn't she leave him, she was pregnant, and pregnant and pregnant. Her first 3 kids got taken away from her and still, she wouldn't leave him. She was in the hospital after giving birth to their 4th child, in his absence, when he showed up with his new girlfriend and informed her he was leaving her and wanted nothing to do with their children. All those years of staying and sacrificing and hanging on resulted in her getting dumped. He had no respect for her because she had no respect for herself. And she was completely devastated. Less than a year later, she was diagnosed with cancer. And he couldn't care less. That said, hopefully, someone....somehow, can get through to your daughter. Children don't get to choose who their parents are, and she's got a little 9 year old for heaven's sake. And my other thought was, that, when you are in recovery, they frown upon co-dependant relationships. They both have to get help together or be apart and get help separately and on their own terms. Maybe you can talk to her recovery counselors. Maybe they can help you with an intervention. I think women in her position just cannot see that they can be a whole person without a man. I left my very abusive husband who earned a legitimate 6-figure income when my son was only a year old, my daughter was 10. I knew if I didn't get out, someone would end up dead. I was poorer than snot all the sudden, but I also had freedom for the first time in a long time. That was 12 years ago. I'm still single. And every day, I get to put me and my children first. One thing I know is that two "half" people do not add up to a "whole" person. Another person cannot make you "whole" and secure and happy. You have to do that for yourself. ESPECIALLY if you have children. You owe them that much.
Sorry this is getting long, but you CAN cut ties with your daughter without cutting ties to your grandchildren. You CAN say that you will cut ties unless she is willing to put more energy into healing herself than she is putting into her relationship with this man. My guess would be that the more you make it clear you can't stand this guy, the more she will try to prove that he is exactly what she needs. So, try to make it clear that your concerns are for the choices she is making for HER. HER sobriety, HER life, HER children. Once she has worked on those things, then you can support her working on a healthy intimate relationship with a man. But for now, she is putting the cart before the horse and everybody is getting dragged along behind that backwards mess and you don't have to support that in any way. No more food, no more money, no more help, period. Not because of him. But because her own focus is misguided. He is not the issue. Her choices are. As long as it can be all about everybody hating him, she can deal with that and deflect as opposed to working on herself. There are tons of support groups that specialize in this kind of thing. Your entire family can go to get help for yourselves without her. I think you should. You need that support. Especially her kids. They need to be able to find a place within themselves to put her choices and deal with them in a way that doesn't make them feel to blame, or guilty, or starved for the love of someone who maybe can't give love the way they need it. It's not their fault.
I seriously wish you all the best in the world. I really do.

This grown mom has a disease- addiction. I have been with my husband now for 10 years. He has been sober for 11. Sobriety, or being clean from drugs is a long hard road. You have to remember that when people start using, their maturity stops advancing. How old was this mom when she started using? It looks to me like somewhere in her teens. Therefore, now getting clean, she is mentally around 16 years old, with the responsibilities of a 43 year old mother. She is jealous, thinking that this man, who is not worth a single one her breaths, could make it work with someone else. She is also very much addicted to more than drugs. The lifestyle and habits formed over the past years are VERY difficult to break, and will only be broken when she is ready. No one can do that for her. If she chooses men over her children, perhaps reminding her that her children are more important and love her without flagrant disregard for her well being is a start. Then encourage her to go to meetings, to gather with other women who are in recovery- AA and NA use the same 12 steps. Maybe get her plugged into a women's Bible Study somewhere, or some kind of group where she can see healthy relationships and then begin to choose them for herself. Go with her to them. Make it a grandma - mom time.
It's unfortunate that most times, giving an addict an ultimatum only drives them further away. They need tough love, but they also need positive encouragement. Beyond that point, there is nothing you can do except pray for your daughter and continue to encourage her. She has to make this decision for herself. Once she does, be ready to help her set healthy boundaries. Let her know that YOU know this is a struggle for her, but that the right decision is to focus on her family and her kids. Also, with as much love as you can muster, remind her that children often times follow in the footsteps of their parents. Her children may have the tendency toward addiction and bad relationships already. Give her as many reasons as you can to be a model for her children. Counseling with someone who doesn't really care much about her may just be closure for her, and she may not know it. Perhaps personal counseling for herself?
Addiction is one of the ugliest diseases there is. There is no cure. Only continued maintenance and hard work. And this mom has to make the decision on her own. It is up to the families to be there when the person decides to change (you cannot do any of this for her), to help them hold on to and maintain the tools needed to continue of life of growth and well being (once she makes the decision. Remind her to live her life one day at a time. And tell her you love her.
As for the children- is it worth it to her to keep them?
Just remember ( I read below and was reminded ) she has to do it herself and you may have to sit back and watch, no matter how painful. But never let go of the kids. They have not chosen this and should not suffer because of it. Do what you can for them, even if it means sending them to their dad or having family members file for custody. This is a choice that this mom needs to make on her own. Hopefully she will make the right one.
With many prayers and hopes for a bright future (we have seen lives change, miracles upon miracles!)!

Unfortunately there is very little you can do when a mother chooses a man over her children. The thing that makes it obvious to me that this guy IS "disgusting" (to answer the question below) is that the kids hate him and the one son has chosen to live elsewhere. That says it all.

The best you can do is to do as much as you possibly can for your grandchildren, unfortunately you probably can't fix their mother.

Comments to weigh into your decision process rather than advice:

Even though your daughter is in recovery research says that it takes time for her brain to become restored, depending upon the type, quantity, and length of drug use. As a using addict she was probably very good at manipulating your feelings, getting the topic of conversation shifted off of her drug use and drug behaviors and onto something else. You want with all of your heart and soul to believe her. One huge thing for a recovering addict is to remove his/herself from old friends and life styles. FACT: Regardless of whether this man is awful or not, he is part of her drug use life style.

Addiction is a brain disease. Relapse is part of the disease but not necessarily a sign of failure. Addiction is a treatable illness. The longer an addict is in treatment the greater the chances treatment will be effective. Addiction is NOT a moral failure. Drugs and alcohol can "hijack" the brain's reward system and pleasure pathways. The risk factors for addiction may include genetic and environmental factors such as stress and availability. Treatments for addiction are as effective as treatments for other chronic relapsing diseases such as diabetes, hypertension, and asthma.

I am quite sure you have had heart-to-heart talks with your daughter during her drug use days and after. Her brain is probably not healed enough to “get it.” She does not see that she is choosing a man over her children.

Look to see if there is a Grandparents(and Other Relatives) as Parents (GAP) support group in your area. You will get legal and emotional support there. Best wishes.

It is very sad when children grow up and choose directions that a parent would not want them to take. We are here to guide and advise our children, but after they become adults we can not choose their paths. My daughter married a man that did not like family. I told her when she said she was dating him, but she continued and married him. I cannot even begin to tell you about the tragedy. He even controlled her with drugs at times. Always pray for her and let her know you love her to the ends of the earth. But continue to be in your grandchildrens lives to let them know you care.

Before you do anything I highly recommend you read the book Boundaries from Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. This book will show you how to establish boundaries with your daughter. Even though you may not like it, your daughter is 43 and can make what ever decision she wants to. The great thing is, you also have a choice on what you will accept, this has nothing to do with how much you love her. If this man doesn't treat your daughter or her children well, you do not have to accept him. This man acts the way he does, because he can, no one has done anything to stop him. You need to realize that when you bail your daughter out you are enabling her to continue on the same path. If she doesn't suffer the consequences of her actions/choices she will never learn/want to change her behavior. If you are concerned for the children, you should consider taking custody of them or talk to their fathers about custody? As a grandparent you should do what is best for the kids. As a parent we want the best for our children but our choices for them end when they start making their own decisions. As a child we are dependent on the adults in our lives to look out for us, it doesn't sound like your daughter is doing that for her kids. You will be doing the right thing by establishing boundaries with your daughter and doing what is best for your grandchildren. I hope this helps.

p.s. After reading the book share it with your daughter.

L.

I'm 43 with a 26 year old son. I was a single mom for 16 years. My current husband introduced me to Boundaries, it changed my life, more than words can say.

Hello,

Are these children in harms way, especially the 9 year old, from this man or their mother? If so, CPS should be called and then if mom does not straighten up her act she could lose her children. Perhaps, you should be raising the 9 year old. Have you ever listened to Dr. Laura? She is usually on the radio between 12-3 in the afternoon. She may have better advice to give. Hope this is helpful.

L

unfortunately, women turn stupid when they think they're in love. It's like the mother instinct disappears. It becomes all about "him", and it's sad. Many, many women do this every day, all over the world. I've not seen or spoken to my mother for 20 years, all because my needs took a backseat to her husband & new family. She will later regret this bad decision, but by then, it will be too late. Then she will have no man, no kids, no nothing. I implore you, if you love your grandson, get him the hell out.

I don't see any specific information in your request about what exactly makes this guy so disgusting. I understand that you and the children intensely dislike him...but I don't see any specific examples of why? Is he drug addicted? abusive? mean? In order to give responsible, helpful advice I would need to know that.

I also ask because I see that someone suggested you call child protective services....that is a pretty serious piece of advice and I don't see any information in your request that would warrant that. If the children are in danger or being neglected, then of course some intervention is needed, but there are other steps to take first rather than to get them potentially placed in foster care or to cause more stress on an already stressful situation by having CPS in their lives...especially if that is not actually warranted?

Please let us know what happens and good luck!