Should I Divorce My Husband?

I have experience with a family member with addiction. This sounds like drug addiction. Legal or illegal drugs--addiction is the same. He is using too many, too high a dosage. He is clearly addicted. He needs help. He most likely needs a medical detox and a recovery program, like NA to get through this. If he is unwilling to do this, perhaps you should separate. This might help him see what is at stake if he does not get help for his addiction. You can attend Alanon to learn how to live with an addict. It will help you. Good luck!

Well, I wasn't in a similar experience, but in my own experience, I only left when he made it clear that he was unwilling to work on anything with me. To me, that means there's no point in beating my head against the wall any more.

I don't know your whole story, but from what you've written here I would encourage you to talk to his doctor (it's even better if the doc you see is the same one he sees). Tell him/her your concerns about your hubby being addicted to the pain-meds.

I can tell you, you can live with a LOT of pain without meds. I did every day for 3 1/2 years while I was pregnant and breastfeeding my youngest son. I just recently have been able to take my meds again. I've been living with the pain of herniated discs, damaged nerves and muscle spasms for years without meds (and that doesn't account for my migraines). I know this is a lot of info about me, but my point is that if your hubby is claiming to NEED the pills so badly that he can't wait for the insurance, then he is addicted. An addiction is a medical issue. He needs help.

Talk to his doctor (the doc should be switching him to different meds to break the addiction to the current ones and keep switching/lower doses to wean him off, he should also get a consult to a pain-management clinic which can help with other forms of relief), talk to his side of the family and those on your side that care about him. Talk to a social worker and ask about resources to help with an intervention. He needs your love and help now more than ever. Even if you feel disgusted by him, please don't allow your son to watch his own father self-destruct. Show your son that you care enough about your family to get his dad the help he needs to get over his addiction.

Drag him to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting if nothing else. Most painkillers are categorized as "narcotics" so he can meet other people addicted to the same meds he's on. Speak to him about the effects his addiction is having on your son and your marriage. Tell him that you love him and you want your life together back. Be firm but supportive.

Please don't bail just because he needs help with an addiction. I personally wouldn't bail unless he refused to admit that he has a problem (and I mean persistently, some denial is normal). If he refuses all help and refuses to see what it's doing to your family, then it's time to talk about a separation.

W., I can only ask if you are mature enough to see the whole picture of what you are saying and accept the natural consequence if you make the wrong decision. My husband was on Morphine, Dilaudid, Valium, and many other things for many years. He was a cancer patient and became an amputee. With all the radiation, phantom pain, the pain of the cancer operations he literally changed personalities and often we would have to tell him to take a nap and let the other man we knew and love come out-- sort of a double personality. BUT with all the pain and the drugged state of mind, we as a family all loved and cherished him until the day of his death. The diffuculty was that we wanted to cherish him as we had always known him and that was no longer possible becasue the pain had changed him so much that his mind was clouded to some of the realities we had. Our children( we have 5 and several foster children that we raised that are still part of our family) were taught to love and respect thier father and to help him. They all understood his real pain and made it public to one another that he was going tru it. Talk to a pain specialist about a spinal injection of pain medication that actually helps for weeks to months depending on the cause of the pain and how intesnse it gets.
So how do you leave someone that is truely in pain and suffering and tell your child that its ok to do so. How do you teach him from this example that when he is being a pain and not doing the things you expect as a teen that you won't leave him as well. If you are sure that you can't stay in this relationship I hope that he is able to find someone that can be with him and help him.. esp with in his family support system. If this is all from addiction to medication then you have a responsibility to get him help.
Divorce is the easy answer, but not a easy solution as then you have to accept that he will have your child without yur input and presence becasue that is what child custody is all about.
I hope that you talk to his medical doctors and make sure they know what is going on. No one can tell you to stay or leave that is on your shoulders and you have to be able to face the consequences of either choice but I do hope that if this is a real pain situation that you do all that is possible before you do leave and have to fight the court for custody rights and face that he will get his say.

Hard question. All the spouses or parents of substance abusers that I've known all swear by Al-Anon for sorting out the head and heart, learning what their part is in the drama, and what a healthier response might be. It's good to get that knowledgeable support from people who have already been there as you work through the answer to your question. The decision really has to come from you.

Best of everything to you and your son.

W.,Such a hard time for you. Your husband needs help. Remember your vows: for better or for worse; for richer for poorer; in sickness and in health. Get help for your husband. Yes, painkillers can destroy lives and marriages. Get help. Call his doctor. Call a rehab center. Love him enough to help him. Don't desert him. Who else can he depend upon if not his wife? Your son needs a healthy father. It is not your fault that he is in this situation, but do everything you can to get him out of it. So sorry!

I suggest that you need to know if he's actually wanting to get off the pain pills and willing to work on doing so if he had help before deciding to end the marriage. I urge you to look into clinics who focus on helping get out of addictions. In our community, there are both private and non-profit organizations. If he has medical insurance, most will cover part of the expense.

Addiction is terribly difficult to "cure." He cannot stop on his own. He needs professional help as well as lots of support from you, family and friends. You can get knowledge, a better understanding of addiction and support for yourself by going to Al-anon meetings. Al-anon is also a good source for finding other resources.

Do not stay married for the sake of your son. But do what you can to help his father end his addiction for the sake of your son as well as for your own sake. Divorce doesn't really change much. It just moves you to a different, tho still related, set of problems. You will still want your son to have a relationship with his father and you'll have less control, be facing different living and support arrangements and in general turning yours and your son's life upside down.

If, over a reasonable amount of time, he isn't working to make any headway in stopping his addiction that is the time to consider divorce. First find out about addiction and what you can do to support his steps toward stopping the addiction. Also, develop a support group for yourself. You have an opportunity to grow as a person in a way that will stand you in good stead even if the end result is divorce.

Why is he on pain killers? First question. If that is still an issue for him, if he is afraid the pain will return--as it often will with a vengeance for someone "rebounding" from opiates, for example--then that alone may be making it very difficult. Your first thing that needs to be solved is whether he still has pain in the first place and if so, what OTHER options besides addictive pain killers might there be for him?

Second question. Exactly what pain killers is he on, and is he physiologically and/or emotionally addicted? Understand that addiction is a condition that traps the user--it is no more a choice than needing to eat or sleep is, but food and rest are healthy and make you feel better, while drugs of any type work against you. They make you more and more dependent. It is not usually possible to get off them by sheer will power.

Third question. What has he tried so far? If this is just the beginning of the journey, and especially if you have been only around medically oriented professionals, it is very likely there are many things that are proven to help that you may not have tried yet. Some suggestions: and I have worked at one of the most effective substance counseling centers in this country, that many programs are now modeled after, and they use these things:
-Acupuncture. It is painless. It is effective. The ears have multiple acupuncture points that can be used to eliminate or reduce cravings, create a sense of well being, and work on any underlying problems as well as the pain itself, if he still has it.
-Massage. Same thing--except for the ear part...;)
-Nutrition. Many times, careful and specific nutritional supplementation can be used to eliminate some of the withdrawal problems of getting off substances, as well as provide better health support overall for eliminating pain in the first place.
-Supportive environment, friends, family. This includes counseling for both of you--together and separately--as well as group therapy that can provide the impetus for him to understand in a supportive setting that a) he is not alone, and b) things could be worse than they are and he is on that path, and c) there is a path, with people who are doing the same thing, to recovery.

Good luck, but don't divorce just yet.

My husband takes narcotics as well. It is very hard to quit them..You cannot quit cold turkey. He has to wean off of them. You can help him if you are both willing to work together. There are also other methods to move to for help to manage pain. There is a reason that these meds can only be obtained by prescription. My husband tried to just cut down on his own, worried about the future for himself. He uses other things as well and sometimes takes a lower dose but if he is ever able to fully quit, he knows it will be a gradual process.

On the one hand,
- you want to help him.
On the other hand,
- he's got to want to face his addiction and do something about it (you can't help him if he doesn't want to get better).
- you've got a child to raise and seeing his Dad doped up all the time can't be good for him.
I think you could try to help - but with a firm understanding that you are not going to be around forever beating a dead horse. If there is no improvement over a set period of time (6 months - a year - what ever), then you are going to have to divorce him and leave him with his addiction.
Use the time to prepare yourself. Your son will not be happy, but what kind of a relationship can he have with an addict for a father? Go to Al-anon meetings. Get some counseling. I hope he can turn himself around.

you're dealing with a very typical, cut and dry case of addiction. you can either help your husband through this knowing it will be VERY difficult, and a very long road, or you can call it quits and leave him to his own devices, which will in all reality set him back, perhaps never getting him the help he needs. drug addicts often never recover. on the other hand, is it fair to divorce a person because of something a chemical is doing to them. it's a hard choice. but it's one only you can make. i hope that your husband gets the help he needs and recovers from this. but in the end he has to want to do it. but having your support could be the difference between life and death for him.

Sounds like he needs to go to rehab. Don't just give up on him. Fight hard for your man! Your son deserves him back and so do you. He'll thank you later.

Wow, mamas, great answers!

Mom, give your husband the option to go to rehab or his drug problem is a deal breaker. I would find oiut about some places for him then let him know if he doesnt go you should consider a separation and have him leave the home then consider filing for divorce. I'd give a deadline and then start reseaching rehab places in your area. THis is a tough one. I hope he makes the right choice. Hugs 2 u.

He needs help, be there to support him and encourage him to get some rehab. Him making a promise isn't enough. It sounds like his pain is legitimate since he is receiving them through medical insurance, but where is he getting his other prescriptions filled that he pays cash for, is he doing it legally with prescription?

I would speak with a chiropractor and his Dr, tell them about his addiction, they need to know. Also contact a painkiller addiction facility or support group. Your local hospital probably has information on them.

He can kick his painkiller habit, but if he's still in pain, he will need ways to help that as well. Perhaps physical therapy or meditation techniques, acupuncture... hard to tell not knowing what his ailment is.

Now, if he is stealing from the family, being abusive... then maybe a temp separation may be in order, and if he refuses help or rehab, then the last step would be divorce.

Really though, I would rather try and help him get through it. If you get divorced and he has visitation, he could spiral out of control with the depression for it and end up worse, and you for sure wouldn't want your child to see that.

I always get heartbroken whenever I see that the kids are going to be affected in situations like this. Have you tried doing a divorce mediation? You can see how it is like here: http://www.divorceguide.com/free-divorce-advice/how-to-ge.... Sometimes it is best to seek professional help. Children and divorce hardly ever go together and it is going to affect the family more than you know it will. Think about the consequences and think about own happiness. It is hard to compromise with someone who truly has a problem even committing to a marriage. Wishing you the best in everything.