Advice on Raising Loving, "Thick Skinned" Girls

I remember some of the best advice my parents gave me was that always treat people with the way you want to be treated...but, not everyone will treat you the same way back. Nobody owes anybody anything and there are people out in the world who are unhappy, unloved, under appreciated. Even tho they may treat you back with unkindness it's just a reflection of the hurt they have inside. So, still treat them with kindness and know that you've walked away giving a piece of your heart to them in an effort to make their heart grow, even if it's just a little bit. I went thru the majority of my life (hormones still did a number for a while with insecurities as a teenager :-)), but for the most part when I remembered that I realized that it was nothing personal when someone treated me badly or with direspect. Crazy thing is, I just felt bad for them and said a little prayer while walking away with a smile.

Hi K.,

I haven't read it yet, but have a copy of Odd Girl Out. You might want to pick up a copy (I think the library has it too). It's about how girls treat each other (bullying, passive aggressiveness, etc.). I'm not sure if it will have the answers you're looking for, but I thought I'd suggest it as an option.

My almost four year old daughter was called a "stupid baby" at her preschool by an older (4 year old) girl in her class. She was crying in the car on the way home when she told me about it. We never use the word 'stupid' in our home, so I was shocked when I heard the word come out of her mouth. I didn't know children that age would be cruel (though I don't know if they realize they're being so hurtful). I used it as an opportunity to teach her about how to act/not to act, but it broke my heart to see her so upset at such a young age. Another child in my daughter's class turned her back on my daughter at a boy's birthday party. They were the only two girls from the same class there and my daughter was excited to see her. She ran over to say hi, and the girl immediately turned the other way. It was so obvious she did it on purpose and my daughter was so disappointed and started crying. Again - another learning opportunity, not only for my daughter but for me too since I thought this sort of thing didn't start until late elementary school. My daughter is extremely affectionate and friendly with everyone, and I don't want her to lose that aspect of her personality.

Good luck...
S.

This is sad and I'm not looking forward to my 3 year old daughter having to go through this soon. I wanted to share one thing I've done to hopefully instill self-confidence early on. I recently decorated her room with her new "big girl" furniture. I ordered several photos of her doing "strong" things like swimming, running, laughing with a friend, etc. I got these enlarged to 8X10 with bright pretty matting, ribbons & frames. I have these hanging around her room (Pottery Barn style), along with little quotes I've found like "If you're confident you are beautiful" etc. I also framed these quotes around her room, and at bedtime sometimes we'll look at the pictures and the quotes and talk about the fact that she can do anything she wants & be what she wants to be. This will not take away meanness from others that she'll have to deal with in the future, but hopefully this will begin a dialog early about what it means to be confident in yourself. Just wanted to share the idea (the room is turning out out really cute as well) :o)

Hi K.,

Your statement "I shouldn't have to have a discussion with her about how some parents just don't teach their children manners." is a bit erroneous. You should have to teach your girls that not all are shown the proper behaviors of welcoming new friends into a play time, school classroom, etc.
The best way is to show them by your (and hubby's) good examples. In the market say hellos to fellow shoppers and comment to them about prices, the beautiful tot in the cart or reach on the top shelf for the 'little old lady', etc.
Tell them that not all people feel good about themselves and that sometimes they might be shy or ignore her. Let them know that if others shun them they probably don't want to try a friendship, that there are so many new friends to make in this world that a couple of losses is okay. Don't make them too thick-skinned. We learn such valuable lessons through the experiences both good and not so good that are placed before us in this life. Teach them some introduction skills that are attractive to others. An example in the park might have been to say to the girls - I'd love to play tag with you if you want to join me and my mom... and then you play tag with her enticing interaction through her laughter and your fun. Once they are engaged, you bow out because "you're old". I do this with my grandkids all the time, you'll be surprised how well that works. Good luck with lovely daughters.

Hi Kim,

I have the same concern for my 4yo daughter - my heart is always in my throut every time she asks another child to play with her, especially older children. I feel fortunate that I have only had to once witness a child start to play with her then turn around and walk away, saying he didnt want to play with her anymore - once was emough (needless to say, we dont play with that little boy anymore).

I havent tried it yet, but there is a book called Boundaries With Kids by Townsend and Cloud, the same team that wrote Boundaries. Im listening to Boundaries right now and believe the one for raising kids with boundaries could help with raising children to be loving while recognizing when its another person's problem (I hope this makes sense). You can get this book at any Barnes and Noble or Borders bookstore.

Good luck - to all of us!

Hi dear!

Oh that just breaks my heart! So sorry those little girls were mean to your daughter. I know EXACTLY what you mean about what you want to instill in your daughters.

I was raised in a strict, and now that I know better, a fairly disfunctional semi abusive household. I grew up NOT standing up for what I believed in and being a door mat so I wanted to raise my daughters to be independent little souls but not lose the tenderness in their hearts. Kind of like an M&M tough but sweet shell with a soft inner! ;o]

My eldest daughter was diagnosed with cancer a month before her 6th b-day and we had a fabulous supportive staff at Primrose (@ 121 & Glade) to help us deal with everything during those first difficult 6 months. Almost a year after her diagnosis I ended up preggo with #2 so and quit my Professional job to be a SAHM so my daughter who had Wilms at age 5-6 had to go into public school half way into the school year of her 1st Grade. I spoke with the school counselor, administration and teachers about my concern about the kids saying anything or being mean to her because of her hair loss. In spite of all of our preperation there still were mean kids.

Unfortunately that is just a part of life! The BEST thing you can do for the girls is to be there and be open to allow them to experess how they feel about the situation and discuss it with them like a "big girl."

My eldest daughter is now 13 1/2 and guess what, still has to deal with mean people. But she knows who she is and does not place her self worth or value in what others think of her. Right now we are in Germany 3 weeks from returning to Grapevine after a year here and she has been in German School dealing with the sometimes VERY unkind German system. If she had not experienced the things she did as a younger child she would not have been prepared to deal with what she has here nor would she have been able to THRIVE in any environment we put her in.

I am proud of how she is growing up, in spite of wanting to sell her to the highest bidder some days, and am confident that my younger daughter is on the path to similar success. =)

Just love them unconditionally like your parents did with you and be there to TALK things over so that they can process things like a big kid and don't worry about avoiding subjects b/e you are scared she won't be exposed to them otherwise... they WILL be exposed to everything we've been exposed to and at a MUCH younger age than we were and than we'd expect them to be. Sometimes they are exposed to more stuff and worse stuff than we were... prepare them by TALKING with them about EVERYTHING. =)

Hope this advice helps! =)
R. T.

You sound like we have the same type of daughters. We've had our share of disappointments too and we try to work on having her around other kids that treat her the way that I want her to be treated.
Coming from a former teacher too, I think part of it is teaching them how to have social skills. For example, what she should say or how to introduce herself with others. Then I just have to step back and hope that we guided her in the right direction.
Love to hear other responses but it definitely is hard watching a little 4 year old heart get broken because they want to play with another child.

Hi Kim,
I just read your story about what happened to your daughter at the park and I am right there with you on all your hopes for raising a kind hearted young lady that can weather the punches that they get in life. I'm dealing with my 5 year old trying to be accepted by 2 very mean girls. They are so conditional and snobby to my daughter and I'm starting to see my daughter pick up their behaviors. I can't believe that it starts this early! I witnessed my daughter interacting with them yesterday and these girls might have well been 2 evil sorority girls in disguise of a young child. It was really sad. I don't understand why my daughter so desperately wants to be accepted by them? She tells me she has a good day when they let her play with them and a bad day is when they've given her the cold shoulder. It's so hard to see your child having their spirits crushed like this. I hear you loud and clear and am right there with you. I do agree with you that it's the parents responsibility to teach kindness and respect and I can't help but get mad at their mothers. I've been praying about it and for them and that helps.

Hello K., I see that you have been blessed with many responses. That is so wonderful to see so many mamas wanting to help each other.

I believe teaching forgiveness is one of the most important things God would want. Your girls are such a young age and I can see how their feelings could get hurt. I have seen it happen to my two children. But teaching to forgive other people's actions and actually praying for God to touch the family or specific person is teaching your children to think of others and not to put ourselves first. In turn they will gain strength through God. Remember He is all, including our Healer, I know He will give you help.

The LORD bless you, and keep you. The LORD make his face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you. The LORD lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace.--Numbers 6:23-27

Shalom
C.

Inspiring the Wellness in You!
www.pebblecrossing.com

Kim, in a lot of ways, you answered some of your own questions through your realizations. But, it is a learned and innate behavior. Cain never LEARNED to hate ABEL, but he did and killed his own brother. In Titus 2, there's a section that guides us, as women, in the ways to teach the younger women, if that helps. But with what your parents have told you that you share with your daughters, you will have to keep in mind how the change in times are more bold and prepare them ahead of time. Ephesian 6 encourages us to put on the whole armor of God...to prepare us for those attacks to come. Think about it. Knowledge and a true understanding of that knowledge are the best weapons against ignorance.

K.,
I too have girls and have seen this behavior often and starting at young ages. The best thing I have told my daughter is you can't help what other people do...you can only "control" what you do. If someone doesn't want to play with you, you can't make them but you can go find someone else who will be more fun! It helps a lot! I agree with making your home the safest haven possible and making it the other person's issue...not your daughters. Just be as loving, supportive and uplifting as possible. Good luck!!
C.

this was the perfect opportunity for you to point out how NOT to act. She would have related that if you are mean then it hurts peoples feelings....and even though it sucks that some parents do not give a care at all how their children behave the rest of us have to work with what we have got. teach her from those negative experiences...tell her what to say if someone does that. remind her that not every kiddo is smart enough to be nice....hehe...i am only kidding. dont tell her that. just always encourage her to be positive and polite and yes she too will make some monumentous mistakes that will leave you appalled, but remember to reinforce your positive parenting skills as often as possible. good luck!

K.,

You have asked for book suggestions. I have some.

1. Laura Ingalls Wilder series. These books are wonderful. In simple language, Wilder not only describes pioneer life in a way that would interest anyone, but she conveys the kind, loving, well-disciplined parenting style that her parents displayed. In a "non-preachy" way, these books will demonstrate to your little girl how good people behave. They will capture her heart and strengthen her ability to identify toxic people and teach her to defend herself appropriately, but then move in another direction and success will be hers. Remember Nellie Olsen? Read them aloud to her now. She can read them again herself when she is older. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

2. Nurturing Spirituality in Children by Peggy Jenkins. This book has exercises to instill good values in your children. It's a little lesson book, using real materials like sand, water, etc. for demonstrations. It is non-denominational and well-received. She recommends beginning these lessons with 6 year olds. Your oldest is almost there. By the time you finish some of the Wilder series, she'll be ready for this.

My little girl is the same age as yours. I have seen the same thing happen to her. It is hurtful. I speak to her about her hurt. "It wan't very nice what they did, was it?" "That is something for you to remember if some day a little girl runs up to you and wants to play." You can turn a negative into a positive teaching moment. My daughter is very compassionate toward youngsters. She knows they have tender hearts. These little incidents are helpful because you are there to witness it, step in, and help your daughter learn something from them. You won't be able to do this when she is in college. Take advantage of it now.

Good luck.

Unfortunately the world is the way it is. I think you have gotten an excellent start in talking to your daughters about how not everyone is going to like you, no matter how nice or well-behaved you are. The only thing you can do is to teach them to have confidence in themselves and their abilities and to do unto others as they would themselves. I have 17 and 15 yr old daughters and my husband and I have taught this from the time they could understand. It is hard sometimes, but in the end you get well-behaved, self-assured teenagers, then, hopefully adults

Hi, K.! I am a SAHM of nine children, 6 boys, 2 girls and a girl in Heaven. Our girls are ages 28 and 10. I have been going through this with both of them for about 26 years now! I teach part time at a preschool and see it begin at ages 2 and 3! It's so sad. And yes, you should NOT have to have the conversation of parents not teaching their children manners but that's the problem! Children are raising themselves...parents want to be friends instead of parents. They want their children to like them instead of respect them. So, because of this, we are put into a position which we neither deserve not appreciate but it must be done. If you don't talk to your little ones at an early age and often, they will be left to try to figure out the world by themselves and they just don't have the life-experience to do that correctly. We tell all of our children that God did not put you on this earth to be the source of ANYONE'S pain. Unfortunately, too many parents don't teach this. We have made our home a home of love and support and ugly, unkind words are NOT allowed. This is a safe haven and we are to take care of each other. We tell our children that friends will come and go and spouses may even come and go but your family is your family and will ALWAYS be there for you. And we see it happening every day among our children. So, I guess that is the secret. Your little ones need to have your home as their haven and realize the world is not a very loving place but home ALWAYS IS! But, your girls cannot be doormats, either! So, continue to communicate with them and tell them when they need to hear it, and as often as they need to hear it, about respect and boundaries. Both for themselves and others. Disappointment and rude people are a part of life but that doesn't mean that they participate in it. If they feel safe and secure at home then there's nothing the world can do to take that from them. When our children encounter a situation that you have described they have been taught that if that person doesn't want to be their friend then it's the other person's loss...not theirs. Again, home and acceptance and knowing that "I will ALWAYS be accepted at home." We tell our children that life is not fair but, in the end, we will all stand before the Lord and all they will need to answer for is their behavior, not anyone elses. So, always do what's right so when they lay their head on their pillow they can be proud of what THEY did and how they acted. Blessings to you. Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems! But you will raise your little ones correctly, because you see there could be a problem and you are not willing to allow it! Keep on keepin' on. Thanks for being a parent who cares!

K., I believe that if you get your girls in a strong youth oriented church where they can have the opportunity to be in programs, summer camps, choir, youth group programs....keep them active in the inviroment that will assure a strong foundation for them it will sustain them as they grow up. I belong to Prestonwood Baptist Church in Plano and it is a big church, granted, but they are so youth concious. The kids do all kinds of performances which helps build their self esteem, they make friends that are from families like yours trying to accomplish the same goals that you have.....I am not a religious fanatic or anything, however, as a little girl we would go to church on Sunday and Pot luck on Wednesday nights and I sang in the kids choir then the adult choir and didn't realize that I was actually learning how to sing. When I was nineteen I went on the road with a Show Band (this was the 70's) and sang for nine years as a professional. I learned to appreciate my parents and I was a very good kid and adult. I never got into any trouble....my parents would play board games and cards with us kids (six) instead of television all the time....and get them off these video games all the time. Another thing....believe it or not, get you kids a instrament to learn.....preferably guitar and don't let up, make them practice and learn. They will thank you when they grow up. Knowing how to play a piano or guitar gives your child an out let that is all their own...they will learn sad songs and play them when they are sad or joyous songs when they are happy...but that practice time is their time.....it will give your children self esteem by knowing a instrament..it sets them apart from the other kids...and it will become their best friend. The reason I say piano or guitar is because you are always invited to the party when you can bring your guitar and everyone sits in the room singing to your songs...same with a piano....horns and such are not condusive to playing by themselves. The entire key is to teach your children self esteem, rewarded for their good deeds, set out family night with a board game or cards something you do together like clock work...that brings you closer to your kids and visa versa, you will be surprised what you will learn during these games, but no getting mad during the game... the kids will fuss because they want to play their video games.....self esteem helps in the thick skin part that your looking for. AS far as other moms competing and being nasty....well that is up to you if you want to engage and endulge them. Your behavior will be under a microscope with your daughters, so say what you mean and mean what you say. The old saying of "do as I say, not as I do"....is alive and well in our cities now. So you and yours will have to set the example and that is really really important. A good church (I am a Christian) of your desire will build your foundation of what is right and what is wrong. Keep them close to the hip and know everything they are doing at all times.....tough job...no blue prints....that is really all you can do. Good Luck

K.,

That's an excellent question, and one that I'm mulling over, myself. I have daughters aged 3 and 6. I have seen my 6 year old become tougher this year and have been concerned. Part of it I think comes from being in the bigger world of kindergarten this year, and part of it also comes from playing with little neighbors who can get mean (as mine can, too, of course). I don't have any words of wisdom and need to give this a lot more thought, but one thing I am determined to teach my girls is to be kind AND strong, as you are saying. I have told my daughter a few things to say if someone is rude to her...not rude comebacks, but strong, self-confident things. And this may sound silly, but it's a pet peeve of mine when someone asks, "How much did that cost?" so I'm already teaching the oldest to say, "Why do you want to know?" or "I'm not sure I remember," because it's not a nice question and doesn't deserve an "honest" answer. I also told her that if they ask 3 times in a row, then it is okay to say, "That is not your business," in a firm, nice way, rather than "None of your business!" Just wanting my girls to know it's okay to have boundaries and to screen how much information they give to people. I still struggle with that, myself! So I want them to go into this world with better preparation. As for the meanness, I do tell her that the problem is with those girls, not her (because we've had it, too), and that it is always okay for someone to choose not to play with her, but they should find a way to do it nicely. I've rambled without having much of a real answer...I'll read all the responses with great interest! Thanks for asking a great question.

My daughter is 3 1/2 and has been dealing with the same thing on and off at school. She is sort of shy/sensitive, even around her classmates, but recently she come home saying so and so said she is not my friend, and that makes my daughter sad. I can not believe kids (girls) act this way at such a young age. I just be honest and tell her everyone will not be her friend, but regardless of how they treat her, she should be nice and respectful in return. I also have tought her that if her classmates say thing to her that they shouldnt' say, then in return she should say "what you said of did is not nice and what she said or did was ugly". My daughter wear her feelings on her sleeves but prayer that she will get stronger when it comes to getting her feeling hurt.

K.,
My daughter is almost ten and I have seen many changes over those years. At different ages the kids relate differently. Sometimes I am explaining why kids are mean and other times I have to remind her to be nice. In the most simple terms, I think that life is tough and kids do have to experience some pains and disappointment because that is life- not fair and not kind. The best tool I have been able to give my daughter is a logical approach to situations and to take the time to talk about things that happen to her and how they make her feel. Many times the "worst thing ever" is forgotten the next day (more of this is probably to come in the teen years.)
I know that there are books in the "American Girl" series that deal with many topics like friendship, etc and those are great to read together and discuss.
Being involved in sports, dance, clubs, etc can also be good for self-esteem.
Overall, the kids who sail through the school years being popular and successful are not usually the ones who come out the most interesting or the most successful. I think your views on sisterhood are wonderful and I am sure that your daughters will benefit from your insights and support. Sometimes these situations hurt us more than it hurts them.
Thanks for a wonderful question.

My heart goes out to you...I know exactly what you are talking about, and I have the same desires for my soon-to-be 10 year old DD. She's a very sensitive girl, and we've been blessed to have her in private school from the get-go. While there's still some meanness, it's much more controlled. However, she will still have to face the cruel world sooner or later, and her dad & I try to prepare her while we protect the waning moments of her precious childhood. I don't know if you remember this from being a young girl, but one thing to keep in mind regarding the dynamics of girls: 2 together playing is usually fine, but 3 is asking for lots of drama. Sort of the third-wheel thing. If your daughter had approached a girl who was alone, she probably wouldn't have received the rude response. Keep that in mind when planning sleep-overs, playdates, etc. Shoot for even numbers if at all possible. It was a learning experience for your daughter, and unfortunately, they do have to face it at a younger age than we did. Remind her that her worth and value come from the One who created her and has nothing to do with her friends, etc/