Help Needed to Help Daughter with "Mean Girl" Problems

Hi C.,

I don't know if this will help, but when my daughter had a "mean" friend, I made a point of inviting a "nicer" friend whenever we went to the movies, dinner, had a sleep over, etc. I never really said anything about the "mean" friend, but just tried to steer by daughter in a different direction by making activities for her to invite her good friend or friends to.

It's a subtle way of doing things, but it worked for us.

Good luck,

Judy

Judy

This so hard. Kids can be cruel and girls can be so hurtful. Is it possible to forbid friendships? Even if that worked, your daughter will still interact with this girl from time to time because they go to school together. So, I guess first, maybe talking to her about making good choices in friends and why that is important. And then second about being the bigger person (and when I say that I don't mean turn the other cheek, I mean dealing with how to handle these types of situatios w/out returning the bad behavior). There are going to be times in her life, even as an adult, that people can be cruel, so teaching her now how to handle those times will help her now and as an adult. I bought a book for my niece called "Mean Girls", by Haley DiMarco. There is a lot of explanations about why girls are this way, how not to get caught up in it, how to deal with it, etc. She read it cover to cover and really liked it. It didn't really take away the hurt of having a mean girl in her life, but she understood more about it and I think helped her choose to become friends with a completely different group of girls.

I haven't had to deal with this yet, but it's only a matter of time. I don't have personal experiences to draw upon for advice, but I know I would be inclined to contact this girl's parents. And possibly the school too, because this really is a form of bullying. But, my expectations would be set low with that because the only person that can change this girl's behavior is this mean girl. Ultimately, you probably want your daughter to make the choice of having better friends, so coaching her in making that decision on her own will be a big role for you. Maybe get her involved in some activities outside of school, so she can start meeting new people. Once she sees that there are good kids out there and she can be friends with them, maybe it will help her to choose better friends inside of school. I heard on a radio program once that kids, girls especially, should have friends that don't attend their school because when things go sideways, and they usually do, then they will still have other friends until everything blows over - they'll have somebody else their own age to turn to during hard times and won't feel so all alone.

Maybe somebody on here has gone through this or has some book suggestions for parents.

Good luck. I'm so sorry this is happening. Don't you just want to jump into her body and take care of this for her?

C.,
I highly recommend reading Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman. It is really useful, explains all the drama and gives helpful tips for conversations with your daughter.
S.

I would talk to the teacher and the girl's parents and see about getting together a meeting. Both of my girls have dealt with bullies / friends and it is very hard for them to handle these situations on their own, but with guidance and support from trusted adults maybe they can come to some real fair honest agreements after responsibility has been taken and amends been made for wrong-doings. Maybe the school counselor could be a source of help and guidance as well. I went through a similar situation in high school that I tried to handle, but it became VERY ugly and I needed help.
My daughter's class is going to start reading, "One Hundred Dresses" to help address the issue of bullying behavior. I haven't checked it out yet, but it sounds excellent and could be helpful for you and your daughter.
One last thought, maybe try talking to your daughter openly and honestly about your concerns just as you have here. You may help her recognize something she either doesn't see on her own or doesn't want to admit.

Good Luck!

Wait a minute... Your daughter said that "if she can get past it then so should I."

That about sums it up.

You need to read "Queenbees and Wannabees." It was the basis for the book "Mean Girls" and gives good insight into the dynamics of adolescent girls. But it also talks about the "boy box" and how the social hierarchy for boys is constructed as well. It gives good insight into the roles all the girls play and how best to help your daughter not play into the part she's been assigned. There's a follow-up book called "Queenbee Moms and Kingpin Dads" that was also insightful, because many of these mean girls are emulating behavior of their parents, and/or their parents are condoning the behavior because their child is perceived as popular and therefore that makes them a successful parent. Both books are a good resource for what you describe your child is going through, but I'd start with the first book and then explore the dynamics of the parents with the second book.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hate when our kids go through these types of things!

If your daughter thinks she it is "past it", then let her be. BUT, in the meantime, I would meet with the teacher, and address the issue. Demand that they are NOT seated near eachother. You need someone to communicate with the Adults on Yard Duty to make sure all rules are followed by the Handbook.

If my kids had their cell phones in their hands at school, they would be taken away! Why are kids at your school using cell phones and NOT being repremended? Is it allowed?

Thank goodness the school year is almost over!

N.

Firstly she is not a friend let alone a best friend. This friendship should be over and her parents should be talked with if possible. You're daughter is wrong when she said "if she can get over it so should you" she isn't over it and never will be, she should be taught that she is worth a lot more and should not allow herself to be treated in this way. It also sounds as if she has issues regarding this because her dad is not really in the picture and so she feels as if she has to settle or she will be left all alone again. I think it is time for mom to step in and get this straightened out through the "friends" parents and if necessary the school authorities.

Talk to your daughters teacher. Think about her cell phone. And talk to your daughter about what a friend is. Help her see that this girl is not her friend. I would not allow my 11 year old to have any time outside of school with this girl. I would however talk to the teacher about what girls to encourage as friends. This could help ease her out of this so called friendship. Girls are incredibly mean and their parents are usually in complete denial. Start here before you think about involving the other girls' parents.

C.,
Unless you want your daughter to start acting like this girl pull her out now!!! My friend has a daughter in a similar situation, but she wants her daughter to decide on her own when enough is enough. Only once in the past 6 years has once been enough. And her daughter has been grounded for poor choices from hanging out with these people, and she was in her room for months on end. This girl that is the mean one goes thru friends like running water, and every time she gets a new one my child comes home and says, I used to like so and so, but she is really mean now that she hangs out with whats her face. I would really not like it if my child was known as the mean one.
Not to say that they have to be walked on, but there is a limit. If you have had enough, then put your foot down.
W. (my kids are 18,15,and 14).

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I decided to respond to this issue because when I was growing up, my best friend was awful to me. She paired up with another girl, and the two of them were awful to me. My mom did not intervene, though in hindsight, I know that it bothered my mom greatly. As it turns out, from the things my mom said to me about growing up, they helped me to be confident while my experiences certainly seemed to "build character". Sadly, for my mean friends, they turned out to be pretty messed up - not what you'd hope for your daughters

Many great ideas have been given already. I think your major effort should be in conversations with your daughter. At 11, it'll be difficult to get to the real bottom of this, but WHY does your daughter want to be her friend. Can you explore this with your daughter and find out WHY this girl? Why be her friend? What makes a friend? What kind of friends do people desire to have? I think what makes sense is that your daughter will conclude - with just the right conversations and attitude and purpose from you - that she should find, enjoy, and develop new friendships with other people. I wish you all the best in this. This will be tough. it'll take time. It'll take a lot of emotional energy. but you'll help your daughter tremendously...even if she decides to keep her mean friend.

I know I'd talk to the parents of the mean best friend, but I would be pleasantly surprised if it made any difference. It is their parenting thus far that has led this mean girl to where she is today. If you're lucky, they will be surprised at the news, appalled, and then will be good enough parents to do something about it. Chances of all those things being true are not very likely, but you've got to at least give it a chance for this mean girls sake. Maybe her parents will be able to turn her around, which is for the benefit of the whole world.

Hi, I am a single mother of a 12 yr. old daughter. I also have gone through this same problem. Girls can be very mean. I've learned to build a relationship with their friends. This way they get to know me. I treat them with respect and love, but I'm also firm. In return, they respect me and my daughter. I'm a protective mother and I know it will probably get worse when they get older. But this has worked for now. I wish you luck.

I have a 12-year old daughter who has been with the same class for the last seven years - 18 powerful girls, and 7 boys. Sometimes their friendships change so fast it makes my head spin! They all seem to be trying on different social personas on a daily basis, and sometimes the girls are really cruel to each other. Sadly, I'd almost guarantee that my daughter participates from time to time.

About talking to the girl's parents: I'd get feedback from your daughter as to whether or not she wants this to happen, then make your own decision based on all of the facts. In my experience, talking to parents can have a backlash effect, because the "mean" girl will feel tattled on and find new ways to retaliate.

As others stated, I don't believe that forbidding the friendship will work. What's helped in my situation has been to quietly question and comment on the daily happenings of my daughter's relationships, and those of the other girls in her class - including the relationships she sees the other girls having with boys. I try to have my questions and comments help her see what a true friendship looks like, and how if she's staying in a friendship to maintain her popularity (which, sadly, is not uncommon), that it can be a high price to pay.

Also, I agree with the other people who suggested that she maintain other relationships outside of school. It's amazing how much being able to compare the quality of different relationships will help in pointing out what an abusive relationship looks like.

Finally, I know a lot of kids have them, and it's a popularity issue as well, but does your daughter REALLY need a cell phone? Someone on my daughter's soccer team laughed at her yesterday for not having one, but so far she's been able to blow that off. She knows I'll get her a cell phone when she NEEDS one.

Good luck!

Hello, C.
Let your daughter know that she does not deserve to be treated that way by anyone. Look into some empowerment groups for girls.(Girls, Inc.) Most of these groups help young women understand and learn how to set boundaries, and have healthy relationships with people.
Good Luck and God Bless!

Get together with other Moms and talk about this. Do not tell any of your daughters
you are doing this. Try to get everyone on board to keep the lines of communications open
between parents without letting the kids know. Make some basic rules about the communication style. No one should be allowed to pass judgement on any of the kids or families involved. All the communications should be hard facts. How you feel or how you
think something is effecting your child, your family or your society are not facts and should be shared as opinions starting with "I". It's hard to do, but in the long run, as they get older, you will have more information. Ask the school guidance counselor to get involved. Where I come from, families would sue the school for not intervening in a case of bullying like this one. Good luck. C.

Ugh! We're dealing with these kinds of issues, too, and it just breaks your heart as a mom to see your daughter going through this. My daughter, also 11, has been the victim and the mean girl. As the mean girl, we found out when a concerned parent forwarded us an email exchange. I cried when I saw the things my daughter said to the other girl, but it opened up a lot of conversation for my daughter and me. I thought she knew better and had more respect for others and herself than to do what she did. I'm grateful the other mom opened my eyes to what was going on. I had known there were problems with the other girls - my daughter, not to excuse her behavior at all - had been on the receiving end for quite a while and she had finally had it and retaliated. I spoke with the other moms and they were also surprised by their daughters' behaviors. Together we were able to help the girls learn to listen and appreciate each other more. They are now good friends again. They still have their fights, but they now know that mean girl behavior is wrong and they try to work through issues and differences in a more sensitive way.

We have found two books that have been really helpful: Mean Girls - Facing Your Beauty Turned Beast by Hayley DiMarco and The 6 Most Important Decisions You'll Ever Make by Sean Covey. Hayley DiMarco is a christian author, so there are references scriptures, etc., but there is also a lot of practical advice and explanation both for how our daughters can love themselves regardless of others treatment and how to deal with and respond to the treatment. DiMarco herself was on the receiving end of "mean girl" treatment, so she does have a personal understanding of the pain our daughters are going through. The Sean Covey book is a good practical application book. He doesn't have the in depth coverage of DiMarco, but still has some really sound advice. Both books are well written and can be read by parents and kids alike. My daughter and I have had some great conversations with the books as a springboard about what it means to be a friend, what is friendship, and deciding for yourself who you want to be instead of who others want you to be.

Unfortunately, most people - and especially adolescent girls - seem to feel that the only way to raise themselves up is by "leveling" everyone else. I wish you and your daughter the best in working through this. As hard as it is right now, you have an opportunity to build an even better relationship with your daughter and to help her be stronger and more self confident when she learns to focus on the kind of person she wants to become and less on changing another's behavior.

CA

You should not keep them apart if your daughter wants to be friends with her, you should just give your daughter advice on how to deal with it all.

C., whatever you do keep your precious daughter away from this "best friend". It may take awhile but in the end you will both be glad to be rid of her. Spend more time with your daughter when she is lonely or alone; take her to the mall, movies, dinner, etc. Be there for her. And sign her up for new things in order to meet new friends. Help her to succeed. Also, you may want to purchase an American Girl book on self-esteem. They make great books for girls her age (my daughter is 11 also). I bought one on starting middle school for my daughter recently. Slowly, your daughter will be happier and healthier away from this girl. My daughter has a very strong confidence and knows who to stay away from. She tells me when girls are mean and avoids them. I always notice that those girls try to be her friend once she ignores them. Teach your daughter to enjoy life but to protect herself and to have the guts to walk away from a bad situation. Help her to do well in school. An A student always has confidence. All of these things combined, will help your daughter in this situation and all similar situations in life. Good luck, J.

C.:

You've received some good advice. My first concern about this situation is the need for a 'cell phone'. Is your daughter mature enough and responsible enough to justify a cell phone. That's where this seems to stem from - TEXTING. No texting the problem becomes minimized because the CHILDREN duing the bullying now has to be face to face which in reality they're just as scared because they'll have to be confronted with a physical reaction.

In general girls are plain mean and brutal. No getting around it...not even in h.s. Your daughter is at the age that she's trying to figure out who she is, what she likes/dislikes, and how to handle such issues as these. Mom jumping is a natural parent reaction, mine did the same, but what mom needs to do is help her daughter understand her own feelings by asking questions, NOT judging the answers; showing your daughter that there are other ways to find friends; try to find out why this other 'friend' and girl are acting the way they are - generally your daughter may (or may not) be doing or saying things at school that she's too embarressed to tell you to make these girls act this way. And sometimes girls need no reason at all to be like this. I remembering my experience as a girl a lot of it stemmed from jealous of what I had, what I did, places my parents took me or gave me. But once I started the confronting of them individually, which took me until Jr. High, asking why this or that, it was then that the b.s. stopped or was minimal. It took a lot of counseling and sad to say a few physical fights showing that I'd stand up for myself and wouldn't be pushed around.

Is your daughter active in 4-H, Girlscouts (Brownies), Church, Cheerleading (similar to Little League style - not through school), or some activity? If not get her into them IMMEDIATELY. Once she meets other people with similar interest, her so-called friends at school, will disappear and only be aquaintances. Her new friends will be true friends. they support each other through the good and bad; they encourage growth and promote healthy habits. My best friend lived in a different town but we stayed in contact with the phone and livestock shows. Our parents helped nuture our friendship.

I hope some of this will be helpful.

T.

Friendship issues are always difficult. It seems to me that the most positive approach would be to continue to discuss what friendship really is (the behavior you describe is Not!)and how to be a friend to someone else. And I mean a discussion in which your daughter's thoughts about the issues are validated as well as your own. It is unfortunate that we live in a culture in which the behavior you describe in her friend is prevelant.

I would trust your instinct. Sometimes we do have to protect our children and this sounds like one of those times. I would go so far as to say you might want to consider contacting this girls parents as well and making them aware of the situation and why you have made this decision.

C.,
All though your daughter calls her" friend ", this little girls is not being a friend at all. She's really being a bully! The first thing I would do is talk with your daughter and explain what the REAL qualities of a friend are, and how REAL friends always treat each other. She needs to be able to see the difference between the connection with this little girl, and what a real friend look like. I have a 9 year old son who was bullied, and we had a very similar discussion about healthy people to be around in our lives. It's a very simple thing to discuss, and she'll understand very easily. This is a critical time because she's already been toyed with, and emotionally hurt. Words are so powerful, and they can at times cause you to believe things that are just wrong. Her self esteem is fragile, so she's very gullible right now, and kind of blinded by this girls friendship, she doesn't want to be alone, and is afraid of that thanks to this friend. You as a mom must do the right thing, and follow your gut that says, even as she's forgiven her, it's still not a healthy relationship. It's important that your daughter see that forgiveness is crucial, and we must forgive, but that doesn't mean we just forget all about it, and welcome the yucky stuff back in! One of the best ways you scan share this with her is explaining what the word Sorry really means. When someone says "I'm Sorry", it means I am not going to do what I just did or have been doing anymore! It's not an excuse to misbehave! It's not an automatic phrase or excuse to use to get forgiveness. It requires actions to back up the meaning! Tell your daughter her friend has used sorry, and still uses sorry, but wheres the change for good?

I hope this helps...

A Little about me:

I am a happily married stay at home mama to 4 boys ages 9, 6, and 4 year old twins! I love to cook and bake (with my kids), sing, hike, and spend time with family and friends!

C.,

Some children can be so mean. It sounds to me that your daughter feels so poorly about herself that she is willing to accept bad attention. This can possibly lead to worse, for example bad males in her future. I suggest you set a meeting to speak with the other girl's mother, the girl, yourself, and your daughter. That way everything is dragged out into the open. If the other mother is not appalled at her daughter's poor behavior, then I would forbid your daughter to be around this girl. Even so, I would be hesitant to allow her around the girl. I wish you and your daughter luck on this.

J.

Hi C.,
I have a 9 year old daughter myself and my son is going to be 15 this year. I am a yard duty at my daughters school and let me tell you the awful things I see. Much of the same situation that you are dealing with. I must ask if the parents to the mean girl have been informed of their daughters behavior? I was a single parent about 13 years ago with my son and I was scared as well. The simple fact that your involed makes you a great mother. My daughter suffered and still does from self esteem issues. She is a very competive young girl and a great athlete but she feels that she must hand out with girls that are not always the best for her. I was wondering if you have God in your life? He is the main focal point for me with these issues. I simple ask my children if they think God would like them to hang out with these type of people. Sometimes a therapist can help shed some light on things for you and your daughter. We found that my dauther had some OCD and that determination to see things through including hanging out with mean girls helped us to help her. Don't worry your not alone.

Hi C.,

I sort of have the same problem my 11 year old son had a friend since kindergarten who is a trouble maker, he tries to get my son in trouble with him but hasn't succeeded.

I told my son that he is no longer allowed to play with this kid, I can't control him if he hangs around this kid at the school but I can control him at home.

if I were you I would nip the friendship in the bud, if she is a bully she is not going to stop and she is either going to hurt your daughter or others. if she is causing trouble for your daughter I would talk to the school's principal, maybe he can at least have a chat with the girl. just don't let your daughter or the other girl know you talked to the principal so she don't cause more trouble. if all else doesn't work talk to the girl's mother she probably has no idea what her daughter is doing.

hope everything works out.

It's so hard to navigate these issues. You have many great responses here... and I agree in this day and age, it is important to document. As she hits the junior high phase (where I have taught for 20 years) it can often get worse. Trust your instincts. Get rid of the internet and phones. Discuss the ideas of allowing another to to make you feel bad about yourself. I equate the concept of "I got over it, you should too..." with being too close to an abused woman asking me to look the other way when a partner hits her. That may seem like an exageration, but it really is the same logic. The self esteem she needs to help her say NO to these situations (and or walk away) can come from many places. Get her a mentor, have her find other groups of kids and or adults to hang out with who will help her find what she is good at and what feels GOOD to do (not just what the other define as worthy). Sports, scouts, horses, the animal shelter, volunteer groups, whatever it takes. Maybe do it with her. Hopefully she will then have other places to find value and worth. Basically do your best to dilute the mean power..... and help her help herself.
I hope it works out.

I'm sorry to hear that your daughter is going through this. Since the girls have a history of "friendship", maybe a chat w/ the girl's mom can help. No parent ever wants to hear about their own child being mean or a bully. Your daughter's friend seem to be taking her own feeling of insecurity out on your daughter. It's too bad that your daughter's supposed friend is using all the tactics that is common in that age ground to reduce her own self esteem down. As long as you're there to reassure your daughter that she is worth more than anything or anyone to you in this world, she should be ok. Also, a conference w/ the class teacher and principal should help w/ the school situation. She shouldn't have to be made to feel inferior because of one girl's bad judgement and behavior. You'd be surprised at how many other people would want to be your daughter's friend! If you have a phone list of the parents in your daughter's class, you may want to check that out and start setting playdates w/ the girls and the moms. This is a great tool to get all parties familiar w/ one another and set ground rules about what real friends are supposed to be to each other. Good Luck!

A generation ago this would be an easy “kids will be kids” issue, but in today’s world with My Space and the widespread exposure that comes with it, you are right to be concerned. My first suggestion would be to get the school involved and ask if they can contact the parents to make them aware of what is going on. Ask your daughter if there has been anything negative about her on My Space and print that out. I would email everything first so that it is documented. If they ask you to meet with them in person, tell them that you will follow-up with an email summarizing the meeting so that they are aware that you are documenting it. Tell them that you consider this a malicious attempt to isolate your daughter and that it can lead to depression and medical attention. Tell them that you will also let your daughter’s doctor know about it so that if it ever comes to the point that you daughter becomes clinically depressed that you will use the medical records to file a complaint with the police department for slander. Children behave the way they do because they are allowed to. If the school and the parents are allowing this type of behavior then let them know that they will share in the responsibility. Let your daughter know that you are doing something to help and that none of this is her fault. I don’t want to scare you but my daughter is a freshman and we are pulling her out of school next year because she has been suffering from anxiety attacks. She hasn’t been targeted, but she says there is so much pressure from bullies (girls) who she can talk to and not talk to that she goes to school with a stomach ache. I’ve made her school aware of it and they sound sincere but I told them that they just cannot protect my daughter enough. She has seen numerous fights between girls and it affected her. It’s my job to make sure that she is given a safe environment to get an education. She’ll start home school in the fall. Continue sharing! Good Luck

Hi C.,

I'm a single mom too but before that I was the eldest of 3 sisters and 4 bros so the experiences you're talking about sounds way familiar to me.

My opinion is that the relationship is too toxic for your daughter, and that her relationship with that person needs to cool down in a major way. I would continue to allow her to "be friends" with that person but really downshift it. If your daughter protests, explain to her that as her parent you need to protect her until she is able to fend for herself (right,.. we're moms, we're always there, but you know what I mean,.. at least it'll buy you some time so you can help her prepare herself better for the "mean" people she'll have to deal with in her life as an adolescent and later as an adult). Also, I recommend that you help your daughter track down some books, workshops, classes, or anything else you can think of, to receive some self-defense and self-esteem skills in order to train her to cope with her own needs for friendship and self-realization in healthier ways.

To me it seems that she needs to readjust her social signals so that the people she likes stop picking on her and she can be more confident about her own abilities. Any way you can help her discover these strengths for herself is like pure gold that you're helping her get for herself.

Valley Oaks is a community service that is good about providing tools for our community. Give them a call and see if they have any workshops or recommendations for you to help you train your daughter so that she feels more empowered and doesn't need to rely on potentially self-destructive relationships in order to boost her self-development and realization.

Hope this is helpful for you,
M.

C., I would try two approaches: one, I would approach her teacher to let her know what is going on. I am a teacher, and I have observed that 5th grade is a difficult time for girls. In my classroom, I brought in a specialist who taught social skills to the class. It really brought the entire class around. There is a social skills curriculum available to public schools, and I would ask your child's teacher to employ it.
Additionally, I would try to befriend this girl who is hurting your child. Obviously she is hurting inside, and what children do with their internal pain is to try to cause pain to others. It is really a call for help on her part. If you can gain this girl's trust, give her her unconditional support and positive attention, she will give the same to your child.
It is so difficult to see your own child hurt by a friend. To me, when I heard someone say something unkind to my daughter it felt as if I had been stabbed in the gut. But I grew to realize that it actually hurt me worse than it hurt my daughter! She was able to roll with it, while I wanted to "do in" this other child! Your child's self esteem comes from her confidence in dealing with difficulties, not with what other people say to her. I would trust her and support her decisions. Best wishes to you.

C.:
My 11 yr old daughter was also in the same situation. It has happened with 3 different groups of girls. The first group left really mean voicemails and picture messages, the next girl poured soda on my daughters head at school, and the third girl poured water on her head and her sleeping bag (the last one was at a sleepover). The first group we have know since elementary school and I know all their parents. After talking to our daughter she wanted us to stay out of it and let her handle it on her own. We told her if she wants us to step in we will. She actually has a really good head on her shoulders so we let her handle it on her own. One of the mom's from the first group heard about the controversy and invited my daughter to her house - 2 of the other kids involved were hiding and appeared after I had left. Needless to say I was a bit upset. My daughter wanted to leave but the mom told them they needed to make up and be friends again and that they shouldn't treat anyone like that. My daughter is only friends with 2 of those girls involved. The 2nd girl is really bossy since they started middleschool and makes fun of my daughter on a regular basis. My daughter just ignores her and her emails right now. The emails I saw were pretty mean spirited and the 3rd girl - whose mother was asked what happened, said leave it alone and let them work it out. Well, they play on the same softball team and that wasn't working because the 3rd girl was ostercizing our daughter and getting the other players involved. After 2 1/2 weeks, my husband finally told the girl to get over it - her behavior was affecting the whole team (and if anyone should be mad it's our daughter)
Kids will be kids, but you have to check to make sure she is not being bullied. Sometimes steering her towards other friends helps, but the more you put your foot down the more she is going to want to be involved with the other girl. I would just keep a very close on the friendship and if possible talk to the other girls parents. The morning carpool kids also helped my daughter through it as well. It will get better.

Kids were mean to me all the time. If the girl is mean to her, your daughter needs better friends. Find out who her mom is and have a talk with her about this. I never pay no mind to people who were mean to me. If your daughter learns to ignore her, maybe she will back off, reverse psycology works with all ages. Beauty is the eyes of the beholder, that girl needs help,playing pranks is down right rude. If someone did that to the girl, she wouldn't like it either.

Do not put engery into the negative.Remember there is a reason why this child acts the way she does. Her self esteem is also very low. So maybe you could try to find out what is hurting her. We need to understand there is background that makes people do the things that they do. Maybe her home life isn't great. You need to look pass what she doing and find out why she hurting so much. At the same time tell your daughter that she(her friend) is attacking her because her friend is hurting inside.

At the same time you will be teaching your daughter compassion. Also teach your daughter to stand up for herself,that she value herself and to let go of those who treat you badly. When you value yourself you will attract like minded people. Stay postive and loving to others.

A. L

Last year my daughter (now 13) had a similiar problem. And like you I would react and then want "that girl" out of the picture. They would make up until the next time and the next....My daughter didn't think it was any "big deal"

It's been over a year now and they remain "friends."

I enrolled my daughter in sports and dance and whatever she was interested that didn't cost too much (in case she didn't stick with it). This allowed her to meet new friends as well as eliminate some of the time she spent with "that girl". I also decided to have "that girl" come with us to the mall,or to walk the dog,or whatever simple activity my daughter and I would do. Not always, just sometimes.

It turns out my daughter was right. It was no big deal.

It isn't your daughter who has low self esteem, it's that girl. It is highly possible that girl doesn't have the same relationship you and your daughter have - with her mom or anyone else. And I'm sure all of that girl's friendships mirror the one she has with your daughter.
And don't worry, that girl doesn't have enough power to take your daughters friends away. At this point, your daughter may be her only friend.(as strange as it is)

The beauty in your daughter, she loves unconditionally.
She accepts that girl flaws and all. And even though they fuss, your daughter still loves her.Of course if the relationsip becomes violent, or if serious emotional destruction starts to appear in your daughter then you'll need to involve the school/parents. In the mean time,
be there for your daughter when her feelings are hurt and celebrate it's YOU she comes to when this happens.

It sounds to me "that girl" is really jealous and insecure.
Who can blame her - you and your daughter have something special - she wants it.

11,12,13... they all live in the moment, and then the moment's gone. A mothers love is eternal.

tell your daughter to lose that "best friend" that is no friend at all, yeah if this little girl is vindictive then she is going to have some bad moments at the begining but in the long run its much better if she finds better friend, if she continues to be this girl friend, then her selfsteem is going to become none existent and that will be the least of your problems, when there is no self steem there is no life , take it from someone who has been there, dont forget to tell her that you love her and that she is beutiful, and that she can make better friends, she is in a very fragile stage of her life,have her run like hell away from that mean girl
hope this helps
M.

hi, C.,
I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. I would definitely talk her through this, but ultimately, she needs to stay away from this girl. At 11, acceptance is usually more important than anything else, even to the detriment of your daughter's self-esteem. If she continues to be friends with someone like this, it may set up a pattern for her, where she is friends with or later dates people who are verbally abusive to her. She needs to understand that this is NOT acceptable behavior from ANYONE and that she should respect herself enough to terminate this kind of relationship. She may not understand the deeper ramifications of what this is doing to her self-esteem at the impressionable age of 11. This is why she has you. You should also at least inform the girl's parents of her horrible behavior. There was a situation very similar to what you described, where the teenage girl eventually committed suicide, because she was getting mean text messages from a neighbor girl who pretended to be a guy she liked on line. These things can get insidious very quickly and when kids are so passionately and emotionally involved in the situation, the results can be disastrous. Please intervene on your daughter's behalf! She deserves better friends than this in her life! Good luck.

Hi C.,

Unfortunately we live in a cruel world. As a single mom it can be very difficult. Girls are vicious and they don't play fair. This so called friend of your daughter is not a friend...What is a friend? It's someone you could count on and know that they got your back, someone you could trust and respects you and themself. I know it's hard to believe but I think this mean girl is jealous of your daughter. She would do anything to make her life miserable. She sounds like a bully and usually bullies are not happy people their home life may be uncertain, chaotic, perhaps her parents aren't spending much time with her. Why stay friends with someone who'll prey on your emotion and just hurt you. They are not 3 or 5 years old where in they say sorry and continue to play again. This is very serious situation. She's at the age where she's finding out who she is as a person, her own individual self. and she shouldn't have to subject herself to that. She needs to stand up and move on. You are her mom and you need to be there for her to hear her cry, hear her voice, hear her thoughts and feelings, hug her make her feel safe. Ask her what she wants from this. She has her own thoughts. She needs to know that you are there to support her. Sometimes we just have to let go of old friends and that is difficult to do I know, but that's a part of life. All you can do as a mom is to love her, reassure her, encourage her, speak life to her, focus on her strenth and her giftings, what is she good at, what does she enjoy? Our childern are a gift and we need to take care of that gift not by smoothering it or overprotecting it. We as parents need to equip and prepare them for the world out there. Because one of these days they will leave the nest. However, knowing that you've prepared her and equipped her to the best of your ability and praying for them will give you a peace that'll surpass all understanding.

You have to remember when you were young, and how many times you fought with your friends. I can't even count how many times my friends and I hated eachother one minute and were best friends the next. You're an adult and have to stay out of little kids stuff. If she isn't physically hurting your daughter, than there's nothing you can do. You can't monitor your daughter when she's at school, so even if you tell her to stay away from her, that doesn't mean she will. We have to learn to let children be children, and to fight there own battles. If your daughter is willing to forgive and forget, then let that be a lesson to you. Pray for the little girl and for the protection of your daughter, and be done with it. God has a reason for everything and maybe this young girl is going through some rough times at home, and your daughter is the only light she has. When children get hurt by the ones they love, they tend to hurt the ones they love. This little girl might really love your daughter and wants to see if your daughter is a true friend, because she's going through some things at home. It's hard for children and/or anyone to trust when they've been hurt by someone who they thought they could trust. Children deal with trauma in different ways then we do and don't know how to verbalize what's going on and/or too afraid to tell what's going on. Step back and let time take it's course, and if you're really that concerned, then ask the school to set up am meeting with her parents and I believe you're get a better sight on things if you meet them. Good luck and don't worry, your daughter seems to have a good head on her shoulder and a kind heart. She is one of few and you have yourself to thank for that. You raised her to be forgiving and kind, so don't confuse her. God bless you!

C.:
I am volunteer with a reading program called Project Cornerstone in which we read to elementary school aged kids books that promote discussion. Topics are typically about friendships, tolerance, bullying, etc. Long & short of it, I recommend a good book for you to read to your daughter's class & lead a discussion with them. It is called My Secret Bully, and very much the situation of your daughter. Girls at this age can be very cruel to each other emotionally. You might even recommend that the school read the book to all of the same grade level or get in on the Cornerstone Project. Good luck.

I also have a daughter almost 11, who is having similar issues at school. I feel that this is the age it all starts, right around middle school. For my daughter, she would tell me the stories of what happened at school, and I would repeat them to her. She would say, No that's not what happened.I realized that as the mom who has already been through all of this, it is easier to see the "big picture" from the outside. I decided that we should watch the movie Meangirls. So that she could see similar situations but not be in the middle of them. When we watched it I would stop and ask her questions about the movie and how they might pertain to her situations at school. I also asked her if any of the characters reminded her of her friends. It was a good way to open her eyes to the different types of people out there. I figured that telling her she couldn't have certain friends could lead to rebelious behavior down the road. So if she could understand some of her "friends" a little better by seeing them from the "outside" maybe that would help with her decions. I also remind her all the time that your "friends" dont't treat you that way! This movie is based on the book Queenbees and Wannabees. Parts of the movie may be a little inappropriate, I just skipped them.You could also just read the book. Hope this helps!

Hi C.,

I have not all of the responses that you have recieved here, so please forgive me if I am repeating another mom here...

The text messaging, pretending to be the boy your daughter likes worries me greatly. There was recently a case where a 13 year old girl killed herself due to cyber-bullying. I think you need to report this "friend" of your daughter's to the school. They need to be aware of what your daughter's friend and the other girl are up to.

Also, if there are books that deal with self-esteem issues in adolescents you might want to read them for some ideas on helping your daughter improve her self-esteem/self-confidence. If she is letting her "friend" treat her so badly now, I am afraid that in a few years she will let a boyfriend treat her badly, too. It seems like it could turn into a cycle that she won't be able to break out of...

Best of luck to you.

N.

Hi C.,
I have a daughter that is 12 and has had some of the same issues. It sounds however that your daughter is handling it fine. It may NOT be that it's because of low self-esteem but just the other way around,it may be that it doesn't bother her because she has high self esteem and won't let the mean things being said get to her. She was probably taught well by her mom!!
I worry about those same things all the time, and my daughter tells me she just doesn't let those types of mean things get to her.We have talked about the fact that most bullies only act out because of thier own low feelings of themselves. Those aren't the types of girlfriends she wants so she stays away from them & let me tell you she now has more friends than ever! In fact her teachers picked her as a peer for the younger students in her school. They were having issues with the 3rd & 4th grade students so they put a peer group together headed by my daughter! I was so pleased.
It will work out for your daughter, she's alot tougher than u probably give her credit for. I know it's hard but sometimes it's best to step back & let her deal with it. If or when she needs you,she will let u know.....
Good Luck Mom, just remember that you raised a strong girl & given the opportunity she will prove it to you.!!!!!!
P>S> I made my daughter watch the movie "MEAN GIRLS". To show her how bad anyone's feelings can be hurt by mean words & actions.....just watch out for the bus scene at the end...a lil shocking

Oh I feel for you! Why are kids, especially girls, so mean to each other? It's so hard to just sit by and watch. I wanted to respond not because I have a child who has been through this but because I, myself, have had issues with mean 'friends' when growing up. My mom was a single mom and I am the youngest of 3 daughters and am now 36. Unfortunately, my mother wasn't in a position to help me as she was working 3 jobs trying to raise us w/o any financial help, and had very little time. It took me a very long time to figure out what my criteria for a friend was and should be. I had to learn from all of the heart ache that I didn't (and don't) want to surround myself w/ people that hurt me purposefully. I think that my mom could have helped me to figure out that at an earlier age, as it took until my senior year in High School and early college. As a mom now, I think I would try to talk to your daughter's friend's parents and see if you all can work together to show them this behavior is not 'friend' behavior. And if they're not any help (we all know not all parents are on the same wave length that we are on) then maybe you could talk to her about what being a friend means and try to encourage new friendships that exemplify these definitions. Also, you may want to explain to her that when people do things like this that it usually has nothing to do with us and everything to do with their own insecurities. Gosh, it's such a hard thing to deal with, especially when your inner Mamma-bear wants to come out and make that mean girl go far away. I totally feel for you! I survived friends disowning me b/c I cried too much (in their eyes) and several horrible rumors and now I have wonderful friends, some that I've known for over 30 years. She will get through this too. And you are being an awesome Mom looking for support, good for you! Hope it all works out (I'm sure it will...)

take care,
J.

It is so difficult being on the sidelines and watching your child go through such difficult times. It is just terrible how mean kids can be. I understand how you feel as far as forbiding the friendship; I wanted to do the same when a couple of girls in the "click" my daughter hangs out in were treating her mean. I was so hurt and frustrated, and my heart just dropped every time these girls played their "games" such as calling my daughter on the phone (while the other one is secretly listening on the same phone line) and trying to get my daughter to say mean things about the one girl who was secretly listening, etc. These girls were supposedly my daughter's friends yet they played these games. They would sometimes exclude my daughter from birthday parties/sleepovers and invite one another to the movies or the mall right in front of my daughter but leave her out. Sometimes the girls would double-up and ignore my daughter for no particular reason. My daughter would say something to the girls about what they were doing at certain times but she still considered them her "friends". I too wanted my daughter to stop being their friends and she said the same thing your daughter did ("If I can just let it go, why can't you?"). I was so concerned about my daughter's self-image if she would just sit back and allow these girls to walk all over her. Bottom line is I did trust my daughter's instincts and let her stay friends with these girls as the alternative was my daughter being a loner at school. I had a long talk with her about what true friends are and to not confide or trust these girls with anything. I told her "do not tell them anything that you wouldn't want the whole school to know". It has been a few years (my daughter is now in 9th grade) and she is cautiously friends with some of the same girls but now hangs out with a wider variety of friends. I sure do have to bite my tongue if these same girls come over because a mom NEVER FORGETS when someone hurts one of her babies. I hope knowing that your daughter isn't the only one that has been a victim of mean/cruel friends helps in some small way. Stay strong!

I highly recommend that you get the school and the authorities involved as this is Cyber Bullying. If you can download copies of the texts that would even be better!!! The other parents need to be brought into the picture as I doubt that they are aware of what is happening. This can be EXTREMELY dangerous for your daughter and please let me know what happens.... Hang in there.

As a mother who has gone through this with my son who has Adhd, it has been best reslved by my going up to that child with my child present and talking to that child about how it will feel when this is done to them.... Asking them how they would feel if they were to be embarressed in front of the whole school and made front of....

I have done this on a few occassions to kids bullying my child and talked to them in a kind but very informative way of how I could do the same thing to them infront of their friends and go to their parents as well about their ugly behavior..... go to their class everyday as a teacher aide and make their day extremely hard ...... and asked them how that would make them feel.
Then asked them what is it that makes you want to treat people so ugly?

this has always resolved the problem, and then invite them to come have icecream or lunch or go to church with us ....

Never had a problem with them and my child after that....

It is truely hard to know what is going on in that little girls life that causes her to have such anger and hatred.... in most cases there is situations happening in their life that moves them to a place to respond in that manner....
it could be a learned behavior or a lack of something in her life?????

Hi C., I have an 11 year old daughter as well as being a single mother of four. So my advice to you is that you should try and get your daughter involved in activities with other girls around her age so when this mean girl starts trippin again she'll have other friends to fall back on. If you can try activities like soccer, track & field, cheerleading, girl scout, Girls and Boys Club... You'll find that girls who interact with others outside of school wouldn't care one way or another as to the behavior of their supposed best friend. They'll seek new friendship. Don't worry your daughter sounds like a great caring person. You have a blessed day.