Bullying or Strange Friendship?

You know how you feel when someone does something or does something that embarrasses you and you laugh right along with everyone else. Do you really feel like laughing, probably not but it's the way to save face.

My mean response is to find another "Betty" to put "Betty No.1" in her place. Next best thing, help Veronica find her voice and stand up for herself.

M

You are the leader of this cheer team, right? You see the dynamics at play and you are the adult. Sorry, but I totally disagree with what you told Veronica. And I don't think that you understand the position that Veronica is in.

Betty IS a bully. She's going to keep being a bully. Veronica is one of the unusual ones who laughs in order to "keep the peace". It is an ACT. She does NOT enjoy being "checked" or doused with water or the mean talk or any of the rest. She knows that if she complains, she'll just get more of it from Betty. Fast forward to the higher grades, and Veronica will end up having to do the same kind of stuff to other girls because Betty will make her. Veronica has come to you for help. I doubt she'll come to you again. You failed her. Who does she have to help her? No one, it seems. Instead, you told her that she needed to stop goofing around with Betty and there wasn't anything you could do.

You CAN do something. You have the power to end this stuff by making Betty sit out of the next practice, everytime you witness this stuff. You say that you have talked to her and it doesn't work. You've emailed the mom, but she doesn't respond. I guarantee you that if Betty has to sit out practice every other time or every time for bullying the other kids, that will get the mom's attention. Then you can tell this woman what her daughter is doing and that it has to stop before someone ends up with broken teeth.

This girl is in 3rd grade. You need to act like she's in 3rd grade and come down on her swiftly with real consequences - not just words. Most likely she doesn't listen to her mother either.

I promise you that Veronica will appreciate it. So will all the other girls, and scores of kids in the future who will hopefully not have to endure Betty's aggressive behavior if the adults in her life stand up for what's right and teach her better behavior.

Dawn

Here's my take on this...

Betty is picking on Veronica because she CAN! You are allowing it, and Veronica is allowing it, also.

Veronica is laughing because she is uncomfortable with the situation, and doesn't know what else to do... she has probably been told to not cause trouble, but she doesn't know how to stand up for herself. Don't you ever laugh in a situation because you are uncomfortable?

As the adult, you have the power and right to say that that kind of behavior WILL NOT be tolerated. If you see her bullying others, make her sit out. EVERY time....... Keep an eagle eye on that little bully! If she waits until the game or practice is over, but it is before they leave, then make her sit out the NEXT game as a consequence.

Some people, like Betty, pick on other people because it makes them feel better. Unfortunately, if you don't stop it now, it will be much worse, and Veronica and the others will feel that no one is going to speak up for them.

By standing up for the other girls now, you will empower them to be able to stand up for themselves.

You need to have a meeting with all of the girls, and tell them you see inappropriate "play", and that you will not allow it. Tell them that anyone caught behaving that way, will have to sit out the game, and possibly the next game, depending on when it happens.

Also, be sure to describe the kind of behavior you expect them to show at games and practices.

This child is getting physically hurt and humiliated. If it were a boy doing this to a girl, how would you feel? If it were a man doing this to a woman how would you feel? We need to teach our children at a young age how to treat others with respect and what it means to be respected so that they grow up knowing they deserve to be respected in ANY relationship they are in as adults. Both girls need to be talked to separately, as well as the parents. I think it would be great to do something with the team as a group as well. You are in an awesome position to really do something great for the girls on your team. I know it's not your "job" but I'm sure they admire you and you can really influence them in a positive way. Look up "social bullying" and "relational aggression." It's all about power and status.

I agree with other posters: talk to Veronica's mom. Share with her your concern that Veronica doesn't seem to have found her 'voice' in regard to Betty. Can you find some resources for V's mom, such as a self-defense class (which would be empowering for her) or a bully-proofing workshop she could attend? One thing which hasn't been considered is that Veronica's mom could be friends with Betty's mom and find this hard to bring up, or maybe there's something else unhealthy going on at V's home which has taught her not to assert herself, even in terms of her basic safety.

If you still see no results, maybe it's time to bring the school counselor in to advise you or talk to Veronica's mom. V may have very low self-esteem and be afraid of losing her friend if she starts asserting herself.

And no-- this is not a strange friendship. No one could call this a friendship. It is one girl dumping on the other and then being told "it's okay, I like it". Totally NOT a friendship.

ETA: you can certainly bench Betty for a lack of good sportsmanship and for deliberately hurting people. However, the problem is not going to go away without Veronica confronting Betty. So, certainly, talk to Betty's mom and tell her what you are seeing, however, if Veronica isn't helped, then the problem *will* continue, just not at cheerleading.

Betty's probably bullying Veronica. Regardless, is this the type of behavior you want going on amongst your group of girls? You're the coach and you have the power to control it, so stop it. You've seen/witnessed enough, so make the call. One way or another, get in touch with the girls mom. If Betty does it again, sit her OUT! Don't let her cheer in the game. Don't tolerate it, period. If the mom doesn't like it, too bad.

Speak to veronicas mom. I bet Veronica is too afraid to do anything. Much like an abused wife...she feels trapped and afraid and scared of what would happen if she said anything. I would also make sure to really monitor whats going on at practice and don't pull aside anymore. Admonish in front of all the girls so that they realize you have thier back and are protecting them

I would speak to Veronica's mom. After al she is the child getting bullied. I'd also sit the whole class of cheerleaders down and talk about bullying

My best friends and good friends NEVER treated me that way and still don't. You know who treated me that way? Girls pretending to be friends with me so that they could try to bully me more easily and pass it off as joking. I never fell for it.

Veronica could possibly be laughing and playing along in order to placate Betty so that the bullying doesn't escalate or manifest in a worse way. I don't think that Veronica is oblivious to the fact that Betty isn't really her friend.

It's possible and even likely that the girls' moms are friends and Betty's mom really relies on Veronica's mom for the extra-curriculars. It's also possible that when the girls are together with the moms at each others homes, Betty is on her best behavior. If Veronica doesn't want to rock the boat for the moms or make things uncomfortable that could account for why she's not speaking up against Betty and only complaining about the results of the bullying and not the bullying itself.

Since you can't get in touch with Betty's mother, perhaps a better approach for now is to talk to Veronica's mother about what you've seen her daughter endure and how Veronica doesn't seem to want to throw Betty under the bus.

She is definitely bullying this girl. The submissive girl simply knows how to deal with this so she is still accepted. Her telling you about her wet skirt was a call for help. If this isn't nipped in the bud this girl will think she has control and it will get worse.

Sounds like my best friend and we've been best friends and neighbors since we were born 3 mos apart. It was a total love hate relationship and i have some great memories. We dont bicker or fight now that we are older and we laugh at how mean we were when we were younger. She will always be my best friend and I never considered her a bully.

There are people 'for' everyone.

To me... It sounds like they really are besties... They make each other laugh (WHAuden said "Amongst those whome I like or admire, I can find no common denominator. But among those that I love: All of them make me laugh.")

What's annoying to one person, is heartwarming / funny/ relaxing/ etc. to another.

I have a lot of examples that are R. Quirky... But here's a common one: I'm touchy feely. I LOVE being touched. Heck... Even crammed into a subway or concert.

Some of my CLOSEST friends have major boundary issues... And I MET them because they did something 'inappropriate' for a lot of people: reached out and started playing with my hair, reached out and started rubbing my shoulders, hugged too long as a 'And this is my friend R.' intro. These are the close-talkers, lounging/draping themselves over you while sitting, hand holding, pick you up and spin you, hair braiding, shoulder squeezing, arm punching, head to shoulder layong, leg flinging over yours, scoots in to drape an arm types of people that ANNOY others no end, or even perv out people.

But I looooooooove being touched. So we get on. (as long as they're not pervy... Just touchy feely normal).

I'm one of those people, naturally, but had so many teachers/etc. tell md to stop (as you are) that for a long time, I believed it was wrong. So I'm only all flang dang with people I know well, and for years was afraid of touching or being touched by anyone. Boy do I LOVE to come across people who were taught "TIMES & PLACES" instead of "STOP".