Advice on Using Attachment Parenting

Your son is developing bonding and attachment, at his present age. Trust your maternal instinct, if he cries for you it's because he feels secure when you are present. It is healthy for him to feel secure, in a few months he will develop object permanence, this means that when you leave his sight or room he is in he will know you will return. Since he has not yet developed this sense, in his fragile little mind, you really do disappear and why shouldn't he sad about that? Try to get your husband and mother in law to understand that as this day and age, there is a lot more known about child development than when they were brought up. If you don't have a book on parenting or child deveopment, try to find a Mommy & Me class you can learn about your son's development through that. Enjoy your son and keep meeting his needs the way you feel is right, not the way others tell you. Good luck.

I have three bundles, a girl 9, boys 3 & 4. I am not sure what kind of parenting I have been doing, but I was always told that you can NEVER spoil a child with love! I have always been right there to check on the kids for what ever reason and to just love them. I believe that if a child knows that he has some unconditional love to fall back on it will give them self confidence to be very independant! He will know that no matter what he ventures out into if he succeeds or fails he is loved, which will give him a silent push to try again and again. My kids are so not "attached" to me that it is funny. They all had a Mommy preference when they were little, but when my first went to her first day of preschool SHE had to ask me to go, she would be fine and I was going to come back for her soon. It was like "thanks for the ride" kinda thing and off she went to make new friends and be a person on her own. My first son did the same thing, and in the fall son #2 will be sending me on my way when he starts preschool. They do not have indepence issues, they are secure in the love from thier family and they can use that as power to get them into being little people as they grow! So go check on your son when he cries, hug him and love him and let him know that you will always be there for him no matter what and that he can do what ever he sets his mind to and you will see as he grows that this is exactly what he will do. He is only little for such a short time, let him be little. God bless

i have been an attachment mama since the very beginning (didn't know there was a name for it just went by instinct) - nursing on demand, co-sleeping, didn't use cio, wore baby in a sling once he eventually liked it, etc. in all the resources i have read - you CANNOT spoil a child with love - especially when they are really young like yours! they are attached to you for a reason - a good one! it helps to build trust and unconditional love. the bond that you are creating with your precious baby is not just one for you and him - but for every relationship he has in the future. when i have the time i will post the resources i have read to back up these thoughts - but just know that you are not setting up your child to lack independence - it's actually the reverse!! by attending to him and being attached to him now - you are setting him up to be a confident human being. my son is now 4 years old and believe me - he is quite independent!! the first day of school he didn't even look back to me! and many people said he would be too 'attached' to me too - boy were they wrong. :-)
as your baby's mama - you know what's best - do not let anyone tell you differently. go with your gut and trust in it. nursing women actually have hormones released in their bodies that make them want to pick up a crying baby - its instinct - don't mess with it. feel free to email me anytime for support or if i forget to post those articles. i suffer from severe momnesia! :-)

I never let my daughter cry as a baby, even though EVERYONE told me I was spoiling her. She is 4 yrs old now and she has never acted spoiled, and we have a healthy (not clingy) bond. I don't believe that you can spoil a baby. Babies need love and security. My advice is to do what you feel is right for your little one, and everything will be ok. Good luck!

We would all practice attachmeent parenting if we parented by instinct. Trust yours. I never let my kids cry and they are now 3 and 5. Very independent, sleep great, I couldn't be happier for following my gut and not listening to those who said I was spoiling my child by carrying them around, feeding on demand, co-sleeping, responding to crys, etc..

** After reading a response I HAD to add the following; both of my kids were carried (in the Ergo or a sling), and attended to when they cried, it did not cause them to not crawl/walk "on time". My daughter was walking at 13/14mos where my son (raised the same) was walking just after turning 9 mos old. You responding to your kids does not make the dependent, it actually helps them become independent. Dr. Sears has some great info on Attachment Parenting. www.askdrsears.com

Best wishes!
M.

Hi K. -
My personal opinion is that you should hold your baby as much as he needs it. If other people are telling you to "let him cry it out" I'd personally lecture them on the adverse effects of child neglect. You mothering instincts will tell you how much you need to hold your little boy, and if it's every time he cries, then do so. He will be reassured that he is loved and safe and will grow up feeling that way. Children who are not held enough and are neglected, grow up feeling like they are "not good enough" and "not worthy" of being loved. That totally makes sense. I should know, because of my own cold upbringing. My mother rarely held me because the people around her told her that I should cry it out and that it would make me more independent. Well, I am independent, but my mother and I will always have a distance between us that will never be healed, and I do have issues with being worthy of love...all stemming from childhood.

I've found that being a mom can sometimes be tough because there are so many other people who want to tell you what to do and seem to be giving skewed advice. Trust yourself and your own instincts and you can't go wrong.

Good luck to you and your wonderful little boy, L.

He is your son, he needs to know you are there and that will give him the confidence to be independant later. He will let go if he knows you will be there. Are your husband and grandmother from Japan? Sometimes tough love backfires. Don't deny your son of your love. He needs it. Congratulations on your baby and GAMBATE!
T. Kanemoto

Okay, do NOT let anyone, tell you your baby is too clingy. THEY need to be aware of developmental changes in a baby, which they do not seem to be aware of. They need to get educated about these things.

First of all, a baby goes through "separation anxiety" at this age. It is NORMAL and developmental based. It is ALSO normal, that a baby gets clingier when they are tired or hungry. NORMAL.

It is also normal, for a baby to show a preference for either Parent or caregiver.

It is also normal, that a baby prefers the Mommy...afterall, she is the one they bond with first...it is a biological and instinctual and normal baby behavior. A baby can even "smell" their Mommy and identify her...that is how strong the instinct is.

Both my children were like that. My Hubby and Mother never questioned it. It is a phase, and shows that the baby's "survival" instinct is differentiating between their Mommy and others.

Babies ALSO go through "stranger anxiety." And a natural preference for those that they are comfortable with. It's a baby's natural sense of "safety." (separation anxiety and stranger anxiety can be researched on Google, it will tell you all about it).

I would recommend that you not "change" your parenting per say, just to suit them....BUT, at least look at it objectively, and see where and when you "could" provide your baby with "independent" moments which helps their sense of self and development. NOTHING is wrong with your baby or you. Your baby just has a strong bond with you, nothing wrong with that. HOWEVER, you can try and let your baby have time to play by himself, and explore his surroundings without being carried all the time, or assisted. Of course watch for safety, but it's fine to let a baby roam and explore and play independently, while you are close by supervising. (I'm not saying you do or don't do this.)

All babies have their own temperament and personalities, and needs. My firstborn was very clingy, my second born is very independent. Every baby is different. For example: If your baby cries...sometimes, you can try and soothe him with just your voice first, even though you are 3 feet away. Sometimes, they are just temporarily crying. BUT, if he is really in distress or upset, sure, comfort him. That way, they will "learn" that you are right there for them. That's what I did with my firstborn...I'd be right there in the room with her..but let her play by herself, so that she got used to that instead of expecting me to be 1 inch away from her and carrying her.

It really depends on what the situation is... nothing wrong with attachment parenting. I still do that with my kids and my girl is 5, and my son is 21 months. But, I do it with their developmental and age appropriateness in mind.

Oh, ALSO... as a baby goes through developmental changes, there is also something called "object permanence" ...this is the concept that things go away, and comes back. ie: peek-a-boo games etc. As they are going through this cognitive recognition...they may sometimes get upset if they can't "see" Mommy if she walks away or is just around the corner. But, this is all developmental.

A great book (perhaps to have your Hubby and Mother read), is "What To Expect The First Year" by Arlene Eisenberg. It is really great and explains the month-by-month developmental changes in a baby.

You're doing fine.... and seem like an attentive and very caring Mom. Don't get self conscious. Perhaps, your son will "outgrow" this clingy phase... or it could just be his personality. No worries.
All the best,
~Susan

Although it is ok to let your baby cry at times, there is nothing wrong with picking him up when his cries. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Go with your instincts. I have to grandmothers ( my baby's ) and both have differing views on parenting. Go with what feels right for you.

As everyone else (with the exception of that one!) says, go with your instinct. You can't spoil a baby with love :o) My daughter is three now, and she's Little Miss Independent (in a non-spoiled way). She only wanted mommy when she was a baby, but she's perfectly adjusted to everyone else now. Keep it up!

Hi K., your husband and your grandmother are right, he is 8 months old, you don't need to run and pick him up every time he cries. babies cry, that;s what they do, if you run to him everytime he cries and pick him up, he will get spoiled, and and at8 months old they know how to manipulate and a very erly age. it's ok to go check on him, but if he's fine leave hima lone, with a little independance, he will learn to crawl, then stand and eventually walk, but if you cater to him every time he cries, you will hinder him in many ways. Mom for 24 years. J.