Advice please...my Sitter Is on Her Phone Quite Often While Watching My 11Mo Old

Being on personal calls while working is unacceptable in any job. Why should this one be different? Lay down the rules. If she doesn't follow them, then let her go.

I guess I would think why isn't she doing the things moms would normally be doing - laundry, dishes, cleaning?

I was a nanny for a long time and , yes it can be longly with an 11 months old for that long, but too bad she gets paied for it. About a nanny cam though...... I think it's perfectly fine that you use one, but I would've liked to know before starting a job.

Kim,

Let me give you the nanny-aspect of this. I am a nanny and work 12 hour days at my job, and while on duty, I try my hardest to not be on the phone unless my lil girl is napping. Mind you, I occasional will pick up a phone call from my husband, or my mom if I am waiting to hear something. I take my lil girl on outtings, to kindermusik, and playdates, and I love spending time with her. BUT also take into consideration the following: While your at work, amongst co-workers, and eat your lunch with other adults, nannies are at home with your kids. Unless they have a lunch playdate, they are home with your kids all day long without any other adult interaction. I personally joined a nanny group, and make it a point to take my lil girl to the park at least 2-3 times a week, just to be around other adults. It can be a very lonely job and I guess I would tell you to maybe overlook this situation.

on a side note, I would urge you to not use your nanny cam to nitpick at your nanny, instead use it to look in on your daughter and feel better as a mom that you found someone good to look after her. I personally don't work for families that use a nanny cam, I feel like if they have those, they shouldn't hire me. I have nothing to hide, but I don't feel like a family should be questioning my every move during the day.

Just my 2 cents!

Kim,
I don't know quite how to say this but if I were your sitter and I found out you were watching me via the nanny cam I would quit. Not only would I get the impression you don't trust me with your daughter, I also get the impression you are invading my personal conversations and privacy. The catch here is are your daughter's needs being met, does your daughter like her sitter, and is she doing constructive things with her? As a mother of 5 I know that kids need to learn to play on their own as well as with others, it is part of the growing process, and with that being said as long as the sitter is watching her then her being on the phone shouldn't be an issue. And besides if it wasn't for the nanny cam you would not have known she was on her cell phone so often. With that being said if you can't trust her then you need to find another sitter, just be careful right now you have someone your daughter loves, you don't know how the next one will be and you can be going from the frying pan into the fire. Also your daughter doesn't get to see you and your husband as often which is probably why she gets mad at you when you are on the phone.

.

I know it's so hard to find people to care for our children - people we can trust. My feeling is that you should maybe start looking elsewhere. There are just certain types of people that I feel will always be immature and always need to be talking to their friends on the phone. I have people in my town that are "grown-up" parents of high school aged children and you ALWAYS see them on their phones - just like they were still in high school themselves. I don't think they will ever change. I don't know how old your sitter is and if she is one of these people but just like the person who is rude enough to be on their cell phone at the check out line in a grocery store, they just don't understand that we don't need to be on the phone all the time. As you can see, this is a pet peeve of mine. To sum it up, I would have a talk with her - not sure I would mention the nanny cam unless she knows you have it. But, if she is in fact immature, she won't appreciate you telling her to get off the phone, and you may find yourself looking for a new nanny anyway so I would just start putting feelers out so that you are prepared. Best case, you talk to her about it, she understands, and she limits her phone use. My opinion though is that someone who is always on the phone like that is not likely to change her ways. I think you are right to be concerned. You are paying her to watch your child. 11 month olds NEED love, and complete attention. If she was working in an office, she would not be on personal calls all day. It is a long day but I'm sure the baby naps at some point during those 11 hours and she can make her phone calls then.
Follow your gut, I think you already know what you need to do but just aren't ready to do it.
Good luck!

Neither of my kids have ever liked it if I got on the phone while they were awake so I'm sorry I don't see that as a sign that your babysitter talks on the phone all day. If this is all you are going off of I wouldn't even bring it up to her. That would honestly sound crazy "we know you have been talking on the phone all day because Jane cries everytime we pick up the phone" Now if you had a nanny cam or she took your daughter for a playdate and it was reported back to you that all she did was talk on the phone that would be different and could say "we need to talk about how often you use the phone we heard from Mrs. X that when you were over you talked on the phone the entire time" that would be different. But you really have no proof.
Edited: Your update. How is your daughter when your sitter is on the phone? Does she freak out like she does with you? Maybe the reason your daughter is upset when you are on the phone is because she hasn't seen you and now you are home but on the phone?! You need to tell her that there should be no personal calls unless she is napping.

I'm also curious... how do you know she's on the phone?

How do you know she's on the phone too much? Is this something you have witnessed or something you are assuming b/c of your daughter's reaction. Truthfully, we are rarely on the phone with my son around b/c he freaks out... not because he feels neglected but because he wants to play with it.

I would mention to her that you would prefer that she limit phone calls to nap times and only when absolutely necessary. I wouldn't make an issue out of it if your daughter likes her and she is providing good care.

Your daughter might be panicking when you are on the phone because she doesn't get to see you very much. Lots of kids get upset when their parents are distracted and not paying attention to them (plenty start acting out as soon as the phone rings).
A secret nanny cam is not okay in my opinion. It's paranoid, untrustworthy and kind of weird. Sorry to be so blunt.
The most important thing to know about the nanny is how good she is with your daughter and how attached your daughter is to her. If she is ignoring your daughter because of her telephone conversations that isn't okay. Some telephone conversations are inevitable in an 11 hour day, but if you think she is talking for 6 hours straight you need to confront her that it isn't okay.
Tell her that you are installing a nanny cam and then bring up the telephone issue, if it continues. The problem might just go away if she knows she is being watched.

I've tried ways to say this gently, but I'll say it bluntly:

If you were an employer in an office and had an employee who was on the phone that much, would that employee still be there? Probably not. Independently of anything else, this much use of the phone for private reasons during work is not acceptable.

Also, if she is on the phone, she's not paying as much attention to your daughter, see car accident statistics with people on the phone (they're about the same with people who use hands-free systems as they are for people who physically put the phone to their head, by the way, but banning phone use altogether in cars is a political non-starter). The fact is that when she's involved in a conversation, she's not paying attention to your daughter, and something could happen to the baby before she realizes it, even if her eyes are directed in the direction of your daughter. Also, while she's on the phone she's not interacting with your daughter, and she's paid to do so, not to talk on the phone.

She needs to treat the job like any other. Just because it is in a home-setting, doesn't mean she can gab/text on the phone all day. She wouldn't be able to do that in an corporate/business place, so why should she be allowed to do that in your home, while caring for your child? She is your employee, she works for you, she needs to have respect for your wishes. Of course we all need to make personal calls every now and then, but talking or texting is taking attention away from your child. I know that when I, myself, am talking on the phone, my kids are not very well attended to which is why I try to wait until they're asleep to make calls. I would never hesitate to ask her to please keep the chatting to a bare minimum while on duty. I was a nanny for years and never always kept personal business for personal time.

Lynsey

Hmmm.
You can't tell the babysitter how you found out she's on the phone or she will think you're spying on her.
Sounds to me like you are so maybe you should just come clean about it.
Also....you and your husband are rarely on the phone in front of your daughter. Any chance she just doesn't understand what conversing on the phone is all about?
She cries and tries to grab the phone away so you are assuming she is so averse to anyone being on the phone because of the babysitter.
Would you like to know what my kids favorite toys were? Their play telephones. We could play for hours with them. Brrrrrrrrng, brrrrrrrrrrrng. I would pretend to answer it and say, "Hello? Hi! How are you? Oh...is Angel here? Why yes she is. Would you like to talk to her? Okay, here she is. I love you and I'll talk to you later." We would pretend it was Grandma or Daddy. Sometimes she would just play with her phone and give it to me to talk and then want it back.
I could be wrong, but maybe your daughter gets upset because she wants to talk on the phone too.
I certainly think people can be on the phone too much, I mean, I've seen parents answering their phones at school music concerts or plays and sitting their talking while other people are trying to listen. They're not on-call emergency neurosurgeons or anything and it's rude.
Regarding "long term affects", as a single mom, I've had to work all day and then come home and call clients or be on the phone to pay my bills or call the bank. It didn't mean I was neglecting my kids and they knew to be quiet and not rowdy or yanking on my leg or fighting with each other and making a ruckus while I was on the phone.
The phone is part of daily life. Fischer Price makes really cute phones for little ones. Your daughter might like to play with one.

Again, like I said, if you know for a fact your sitter is on the phone consistently you need to just let her know you know and get it all out there.
Why not? If you don't want her on the phone, tell her. But, don't assume your daughter cries over the phone because of someone who seems to care for her and plays with her and takes her places.

Just my opinion.

At my job, if I am on the phone a lot, texting a lot, emailing, etc...I get in trouble and can even get fired...as is the case with almost everyone working outside the home. Even if I am doing my job, it would be an issue. While I would not be so strict with a nanny, I would voice a concern and just approach the subject. 1) Not only is she distracted by doing this but 2) WHAT is she saying in front of your child? The context of the conversation may not be something I'd want my child hearing.

If you have these concerns., why exactly do you think you are happy with this sitter.... and just because your nanny does it... does that make it acceptable?
It is not ok, just because it has not caused you any big inconvenience YET!!!
it bothers me to no end when I see the texting while on the job.
Same thing with the cell phone chatting.
Can you perform your job effectively, when spending 60% of your time chatting ?
it takes just seconds for a toddler to get hurt...do you need the extra risk?
Kids get hurt even with the best supervision.
Seriously, can you watch your own kids while trying to have a decent conversation.... NO. Therefore, neither can they.
And at 1 year old .... your baby is about to be walking (if not already) and getting into everything.
Get new help..... you are paying for this help.
The baby has plenty of nap-time. If your sitters and nannies cannot generally restrict their phone use to the 'downtime' , you need to look elsewhere. Your kids will fall in love with another nanny ... don't worry. And there are lots of great people looking for work these days.

Use your mommy instinct - do you think your daughter is being well cared for? My view is that you are paying someone to care for your child, and they should spend most of their time focused on your child. I have been a babysitter/childcare provider, too, so I know what it's like not to be able to check email/call/text when you are on-duty. I limit my phone usage to texts only in emergencies, and family calls (again only for emergencies). I like to give the children all my attention, because I hope for the same when I give my child to someone else to care for.

I see some childcare providers constantly on their phones at the park, with the kids stuck in their strollers, and it makes me sad. I'm not saying your babysitter is like this at all, but I am saying that I think what your child does in her day does make a difference in her development and happiness. Toddlers need a high level of interaction and stimulation, too, so at this point it's not just about "watching" the child, but really playing with them, too. That is just my humble opinion.

For what time frame does she watch your daughter? If it's 2-3 hours at a time, I would handle it differently than if she watches her for 8 hours a day. If she watches her all day, it's completely inappropriate. Your daughter obviously needs stimulation, interaction & affection. She needs to be talked to & read to in order to learn to speak, or speak more. If it's 2 hours at a time, then I may let it go, especially since you say you can't call her out on it. It's obviously affecting your daughter if she doesn't want you on the phone while you're with her. She is feeling ignored by the sitter. If this is happening for long periods of time, I think it can affect your daughter. Maybe give her a list of things to do with the daughter, ideas of projects so there is something tangible she needs to show you that she did w/ your daughter?

I would bring it up to the sitter. Not tell her that you know that she has been on the phone, but tell her that your daughter has recently started "freaking out" when you are on the phone in front of her. Ask if she knows why this might be, since you rarely use the phone in front of her. See what she says! Maybe pop over a couple of times and see if she is on the phone. I do think that this is a problem and it does need to be addressed. Good luck!!

Could the conversation turn inappropriate for your daughter to over hear?
Can she give your daughter 100% while still on the phone?
Can being on the phone upset her or change her mood while working?
How long is she on the phone?
I am sure you have asked yourself these questions and that is why you feel uncomfortable?

I agree with everyone else but I might approach this differently. I would ask the sitter if she has any idea why your child is so upset when you get on the phone and talk it through from there.

If the sitter is on the phone all the time and your child is with the sitter for 11 hrs per day don't you think she might be needing some more attention? I'm not jumping on you for chosing to have someone else care for your child that length of time--you do what you have to do. However, this aspect should be taken into consideration.

I think she should be allowed to take care of personal business, and chat every now and then. But, all day long is ridiculous. I think you may be overreacting to the fact that baby is upset about the phone. It's possible. Also, making up a story about a "friend" who's sitter was caught on the phone just to nicely get your point across would never work on me, I would know automatically. It's too close to your true situation. Be honest. Do know this, if you confront her in ANY way, the relationship could possibly be changed forever. She may feel betrayed that you "spied" on her and maybe that you are micromanaging her. I think you should be thankful that you can find someone who will watch your baby that long and that the phone is your only problem.

Hi,

I would say to your sitter--- we love you as _____'s babysitter and she loves you. We have noticed that you have been on the phone alot lately. Unless it is an emergency, could you please put your phone away until you leave here? We want ______ to have your undivided attention. Thank you.

You are paying her to watch your child. She is not doing her job properly if she is on the phone all the time! If you catch her again-- then its time to find a new sitter.

M

It would be entirely reasonable to chat with your sitter about your daughter's recent reaction to your phone use. Ask her some direct but kind questions about whether that could have anything to do with her daytime experiences. Does the sitter use the phone a lot? Is she distracted by her conversations? Does she get emotional (angry or crying) during phone calls? Tell her you have been worried about this possibility, and IF there is anything like this happening during her time with your daughter, you expect her to handle things with more professional discretion. That will probably do the job.

But I wouldn't make the assumption that your sitter is necessarily doing anything inappropriate. At around 9 months, my daughter hated it when I was on the phone, talking to a delivery man at the door, or chatting with a friend, even if it was only for a couple of minutes. She would escalate to whining or crying when she was little, or a constant stream of interrupting jabber as she got older. Normal possessiveness.

My grandson, starting around 7-8 months, desperately wanted that phone. If mom or dad thought it was so important, he wanted in on the excitement.

You count on your sitter's good judgment, or you wouldn't leave your child with her (all day? for a couple of hours?). But child care is a different kind of job than if she was adding columns of numbers all day. She should able to take important calls, especially if she's dealing with domestic troubles at the core of her life.

YOUR UPDATE: Does your daughter "freak out" or even just cry for attention when the sitter is on the phone? How does the sitter respond to her? If she ignores her, it might be time to look for a new sitter.

Talk to her about it. If you do not want her to know you have a nanny cam, than there is really nothing you can do short of finding a new sitter.

My son has had a babysitter a hand full of times in his life and he still has the occasional periods where he throws a fit if I'm on the phone. So it could be completely unrelated.

I think that if she were on the phone that much at ANY other job making personal calls she would have been fired by now.

I would say that your sitter is neglecting your baby. Problems or not, your sitter was hired to interact and care for your child, not therapy via phone use throughout her whole workday.

I wouldn't ask her about it. I would simply state that you are aware that she's on the phone a lot during the day, and though you know she's going through a rough time in her personal life right now, you're concerned about the phone use. Ask her if she needs some time off to handle her personal issues. If she says no, then I would ask her not to use the phone during her workday. If it continues I would find another sitter.

I don't know about long term effects, but she definitely isn't providing the care that you're paying her for and that your daughter deserves. I really wouldn't feel like you're over reacting to this, Kim. There's a reason that people are not supposed to talk on the phone and do other activities at the same time.

Good luck~

Is it legal for you to have a camera that she doesn't know about?

ur daughter freaks out when ur on the phone because a she wants it or b she wants more of ur attention should ur sitter shouldnt talk on the phone that much no but i personally think that she should be able to more often then just when ur daughters napping. yes she is geeting paid for caring for ur child not talking but it sounds to me like she cares for ur daughter and talks on the phone. i do the same thing i have conversations on the phone when my daughters awake and shes fine so just talk a little about frequency talk to her about ur daughters daily routine while shes caring for her if u want by a parenting book leave it lying around and then talk to saying stuff like hey i read a new book and its says kids thrive on a routine and alot of stimulation suggest activities u would like her to fit into the day like story time or something im not sure how old ur daughter is but maybe suggest finger painting outside playtime little flashcards and ask her to play blooks with her. that way u can see on the camera and by the paintings if she took how u felt to heart and at the same time use the parenting book as the sorce of bring it up rather then the nanny cam. if nothing changes its time to let her go an if it does kudos to u

Updated

ur daughter freaks out when ur on the phone because a she wants it or b she wants more of ur attention should ur sitter shouldnt talk on the phone that much no but i personally think that she should be able to more often then just when ur daughters napping. yes she is geeting paid for caring for ur child not talking but it sounds to me like she cares for ur daughter and talks on the phone. i do the same thing i have conversations on the phone when my daughters awake and shes fine so just talk a little about frequency talk to her about ur daughters daily routine while shes caring for her if u want by a parenting book leave it lying around and then talk to saying stuff like hey i read a new book and its says kids thrive on a routine and alot of stimulation suggest activities u would like her to fit into the day like story time or something im not sure how old ur daughter is but maybe suggest finger painting outside playtime little flashcards and ask her to play blooks with her. that way u can see on the camera and by the paintings if she took how u felt to heart and at the same time use the parenting book as the sorce of bring it up rather then the nanny cam. if nothing changes its time to let her go an if it does kudos to u

I have a home daycare and while I think some time on the phone is okay, it sounds like your nanny is taking it to the extreme, if she really is on the phone for 60% of the day. I personally don't like the idea of a nannycam, I guess it depends on th reason for having one. Since you have one, you should let the nanny know that you have installed a nannycam so you can see what your daughter is doing during the day and not miss out on special things. Who does she have the playdates with? Are these people you can talk with to see what the nanny does during this time? It is a long day they have together, adult contact is necessary for the nanny, although the phone isn't necessarily the best way for this. All babies and kids LOVE phones, I think when you are on the phone, she simply wants the phone, it's not that you are talking on it. I didn't see where you put how your daughter reacts when the nanny is on the phone, that could be the deciding factor in what to do.

More than half her time with your baby is spent on the phone? Is that what you are paying her for? I think it's fine for her to spend baby's nap time on the phone, but otherwise, I don't think it is appropriate for a nanny to make personal phone calls during work time. What other job would keep you employed if you spent more than holf your time on personal calls?

Dear Kim, I think you need to speak to her. If you are paying her to watch your child she should cut that phone time in half if not more. She can speak when your baby is napping. I understand there are issues, maybe she should take some quiet time to think things through and pray about her situation. My best, Grandma Mary

My son just hates us being on the phone because we are not avalible to him. It could be completely unrelated.
I would say that if your sitter is having personal problems and is on the phone that much, well...its kinda like driving and talking on the phone....you cant pay full attention to driving though it is possible to do both, just not well. Maybe a chat with her about understanding that there are problems at home but she is at work. You wouldn't be able to do that at work, you would get fired. She is working for you and you are very patient and kind but healthy boundries should be set. Good luck!

i think if she is watching ur daughter 11 hrs a day - then being on the phone a lot is ok - 11 hrs is a lot for a mom to be with her kids and not on her phone.

with my nanny I sometimes tell her the way I want things done by "gossiping" about a friend (maybe even a made up story) but it works and gets the point across. By that I mean I say "omg! My friend has a nanny cam and she caught her nanny on the phone nearly all day! Can you believe it? My friend asked me what I'd do and I told her I'd be upset. Maybe I'd be ok with it if she talked during naps because my baby is sleeping but not while she's up. I think I might have to rethink the care my baby is getting.) trust me it works like a charm. It gets the point across and she won't feel spied on or attacked and she'll definetely watch herself because she might think if your friend has a nanny cam and caught her nanny doing something you both don't approve of then you might get one too. Lots of probs solved! Good luck! Update us!

I would be really concerned if she's texting or talking while she's driving w/ your daughter in the car or if she's on the phone while with your daughter at the beach or park. I don't think it's an invasion of the nanny's privacy to have a nanny cam. Your number one priority is the safety of your daughter not worrying about hurting some nanny's feelings. My nieces babysit for us (18 & 20) and one of the first rules was no phone until our daughter was in bed. They do some quick texting that I don't mind but my daughter is now 6. But with an 11 month old, she should have her full attention.