Advice Regarding Being a Step Parent

There are plenty of activities that don't cost money. Take them to the library, museums, parks, etc. If you look around in the paper and on line you will find a lot of free or very inexpensive activities you can all do together.

try looking into the local ymca for their summer activities. They usually have a bundle deal for the pool and other stuff.

I am a step mom too, so I feel your pain.

I do have some advice. Before they come, or the first day of the visit, sit down together to talk about the plans. They sound old enough to understand a budget. Decide with your husband ahead of time how much can be spent on activities. Present ideas the two of you have come up with---some which are free, some cheap, maybe one or two pricier things. Have them vote which ones they like. You could even have them rate them and tally up the results.

Post a calendar for the two weeks on the wall or the frig. For anything that requires planning, put that on the calendar. Other ideas could be put on an index card in a basket or bowl. Each morning when they ask what they're doing for the day, you might have something big already planned on the calendar OR the kids can draw from the basket to see what they're doing.

Some ideas:
**a movie day---rental with popcorn, hotdogs for dinner, candy
**picnics to the park or interesting areas nearby--they can help make the sandwhiches
**board game day---great for a rainy day
**tv junkie day---watch way too much TV and eat junk food (another good one for a rainy day)
**craft day---make fun things that would interest them but be cheap--you could take some fun pictures of the trip and make picture frames out of puzzle pieces (glue them onto a poster cutout of desired shape and paint)
**live green day--do something to help the environment--pick up trash on the roadside or at the playground or plant a tree

Hope the trip goes well!

Hi D.,

I have been a step-child and I have step-children. I completely understand both sides of the story.

The kids need to feel as if they are in their own home while visiting you, but because they are only there 2 weeks out of the year they most likely feel like guests. You need to feel as though they respect your home and your rules, but they also need to feel accepted and loved and COMFORTABLE in their father's home.

My best advice I have is to sit down w/the kids as soon as they get there and have them come up w/house rules and consequences for misbehavior. Explain to them that you want these 2 weeks to be enjoyable for everyone and you feel the only way to do that is to have everyone on the same page as far as expectations go. You and/or your husband write them down while they come up w/ideas. Hang them on the fridge when you are done. My experience from this, is that the kids are much harder on themselves than I ever would be. When they do misbehave they take the punishment much easier because they made the consequences. However, if you don't agree w/their consequences a discussion about how it would be more appropriate is very easy to get through since you are discussing it before the misbehavior happens. This also takes any pressure off you for having to discipline children that are not yours and keeping the "wicked step-mother" title off you.

Once that part is finished I would tell each child that they each get their own day. (Including your 2 year old) They get to pick out what is for dinner, what the daily activity is...ie movie rental, game night, running through the sprinkler, library, etc... These could be daytime activities that your husband does with them, or night-time activities that you all do together. Since you have them for 2 weeks they can each have 2 days. On at least one of the weekend days I would take them to do something really big. By big I mean dinner out and a movie, or if you can afford it an amusement park. This will give each child something to look forward to the entire 2 week visit and will also help with family time between all of you.

As far as the water bottle incident. The kids are old enough to know how to be resourceful to find a drink. Heck, they could have knocked on the door and asked for water. Maybe they could email you a grocery list of some of their favorite things to eat or drink that you have in your house when they arrive. You don't have to buy them all, but it starts the visit out on the right foot and the kids will be more comfortable being there.

Children know when they are loved unconditionally. It is not easy to love step-children that way because it is not natural. But, when your face lights up just because your 2 year old walked in the room, they see that. They know they don't get the same reaction from you. You may never get to that point since they are older and you hardly ever see them. But that makes it so much more important to make the 2 weeks enjoyable for you and them. Your relationship with your spouse will be stronger for it too. My pastor said something a couple of weeks ago that may help you..."Where your actions go, your emotions will follow." Show them love and acceptance every day and eventually you will love and accept them.

I hope this helps, and please know there are those of out there who are in the same position and understand what you are going through. Good luck and keep me updated!

Your original message was last May and you rec'vd 21 responses? I'm writing around the Christmas season and am wondering a couple of things...are you having his kids for a holiday visit this season and are you doing better with connecting in a meaningful way with the kids? First of all, I am wondering if you were ever a step-child? You really married into a complicated situation. Did you enter marriage to a man with so many responsibilities with an understanding of what this might require of you? It is good that you've come to the realization that the attitudes of the kids is not the problem in the situation. It is clearly that the kids never asked for their lives to be like this but they are expected to adapt to any situation they are put into by the adults. It sure would be hard to be the step parent, but at least that is a voluntary choice. To be the step kid is just the byproduct of whatever the adults choose. I had one step parent who did her best to make us part of the family. I have several suggestions from real life experience that made me feel (at least) like I was really a wanted part of their family. She made an effort to always invite us to family gatherings (holidays) and made family pictures with us all together to share with her friends and relatives--even though they went on to have another child between the two of them. She also made their home conducive to being our home, at least while we were there. She did everything she could to not make us feel like we were 'outsiders.' Even when my own immature mother made us feel guilty for going to spend weekends with them, and especially for having fun while we were with them, she never down-talked our mother nor did she make subtle insinuations of this (even though our mom had it coming). Oh, since I'm now 41 I do know how she did resent certain things about our mother's behavior. But she never burdened us with that. It sounds like one of your most important jobs while you are here on this earth is indeed to be as creative as possible to make the displaced children in this situation feel as if they really belong. A human being's deepest and most basic need is to belong. If you haven't come from a broken home background, then you may not fully understand how this can disrupt that sense of belonging for a growing child. I wish you the best in your endeavors to create that. When you start to feel resentful or unappreciated, try to remember that you at least entered the situation with a choice.

Dear D.,

Your “A Little About Me” and “The Best Thing About Being A Mom” speak volumes about your resentment towards your husband’s first family. (i.e. I love being around “MY CHILD” as in singular not plural as in “HIS KIDS.”)

Except for getting a short period of time with their father, those kids probably dread coming to “your house”, as much as you dread their two-week visit and the expense of housing, feeding and organizing recreation for them.

Please try not to resent keeping up the child support, while the children are visiting with their father, even if they were to be with you all summer, let alone just 14 days out of 365, the expenses of rent, utilities and all the misc. expenses, still go on at their “real home”, with the exception of the grocery bill.

Yes, adding 4 extra children to you routine is a huge job, especially if you do it with no “Joy or Love”. Their mother does this job 24/7 for the rest of the year and does deserve a break.

D., cell phone and drinking out of the garden hose are the least of your worries. I don’t like cell phones for young kids and I don’t think they need to talk with their mother everyday unless the younger ones are experiencing extreme separation anxiety.

If the kids, need a drink, snack, have to use the bathroom or perhaps just do not want to play outside, I’m assuming they are not locked out and have access to the kitchen. If they don’t, they should.

The two weeks these children are there should be spent with their father and no doubt he needs your love and support for most of this time. I hope he is well enough to play, laugh, talk and listen to his children.

There is nothing wrong with doing simple things that don’t cost a lot of money. If the household can afford it, it would be nice to have one special treat, such as a day at an amusement park or a special dinner out to have a JOINT CELEBRATION FOR EVERYONE’S BIRTHDAY, big cake and all. (You could also do this with just pizza and a homemade cake.) If you can do this as a loving blended family, great. If you can’t maybe this would be a perfect time for you to have a day or two giving yourself a little “ME” time.

I can see how your husband might be torn, loving them and feeling guilty because he doesn’t see them much and loving you and his new baby; knowing fully well that you don’t share his affection for the first family. Divorce hurts the children the most. Adults have the ability to make the sacrifices that will affect a child’s life and the way they look at blended families.

Blessings…….

Dear D.,

Divorce is hell on the kids. Try harder not to resent the children of your husbands ex-wife. If your husband is off work now he should carry the major responsibilities of taking care of them when they come to visit. After all they are coming primarily to visit their dad not you.
Just a visit of two weeks a year is precious little time for children to share with their dad. Sweet memories should be created so that when they are grown, they will have good thoughts to recall about their dad.
My advise to you is to try thinking about the well being of the chldren and not so much about your own feelings of obvious resentment at the fact that you have to "put up" with them for two weeks out of the year.

I am a grandmother who has seen the effects of a divorce on my grandchildren. Incidently I have been married to the same man for 58 years who does not believe in divorce.

MFC.

Hi D.! I was reading the responses to your post, and it really is a relief to know that I am not the only one who deals with the same issues. We are about to get my husband's two children this summer as well, for two months. Of course, the bill of getting them here from another state, and taking care of each and every one of their expenses, is on us, and we too are living on a budget. And of course, their mom is still expecting us to pay full child support while they are here. Which, I think is wrong. It burns me up, that she has that right. Anyway, that is a whole other discussion. lol! However, I say that to make the point that, we are on a tight budget here. My husband is military, and they just don't pay a whole lot. I have just started my own business from home, and since it is not get rich quick, I am working hard to earn the money to be able to take care of us this summer. When we have the kids, my husband likes to think that he has to spend money like it's going out of style for them to have a good time. However, I disagree. Some of the other ladies on this post, mentioned renting a movie. We have found that the kids absolutely enjoy that. We plan on buying a slip and slide and we just got a new dog, so they will have fun with him. WE are thinking of putting in a sand box in our back yard as well. Going out for ice cream on occasion is a fun treat. Find out if there are any activities going on in your town during the time they will be there. Like a parade or something. Those are usually free. If you do spend any money, there is always dollar menu at MCd's if you like that. I also, printed off coloring pages from the internet for them to color. They enjoy that as well. And of course, there is always the park. Dollar stores usually have some cool outside toys very cheap. Well, there are a few ideas I've come up with. The one thing that the kids absolutely love to do when they come to stay with us, is each one rents his own movie to watch, and we order pizza. I hope that helps you out.

I like the ideas to just plan before they get there. Make the visit a summer camp theme, choose a child to be 'camper of the day' and give them choices of what they want everyone to do that day. If you make plans that keep them busy, you won't be tempted to spend allot of money on quick trips to the arcade or theaters or meals out. Families learn allot about each other by working together, maybe there is a project to do together or just taking turns in the kitchen cooking. I've heard of 'Grandparent's Summer Camps' on Focus on the Family, they may have ideas on their website.

D. -

These kids are there two weeks out of the year - I am sure you can get them some bottled water for that - no, kids don't drink from the hose when they are thirsty these days - maybe a little but many kids from these generations probably think that is gross. This is not right or wrong - it just is the way it is and you will make things a lot easier if you stop being so defensive and focus on your power in this situation.

Put some time into planning - whether it's planning board games or planning a trip to the park, whatever - you could ask mamasource on ideas for kids these ages - reasonable ideas. Then you respect yourself and your position as their step-mother. What is "your" role? What is your husbands role? What do the both of you want to teach your kids? What messages do you want to send your kids? And, how do you go about doing that? Have you even talked about this? This should be the real focus here - not about the mom giving them cell phones - quit whinning about these things and take this situation into your hands D.. You are focusing on the negative and things that are out of your control - what is in your control? Focus on that and re-shift yourself. Do not allow yourself to be put down or judged or expected to act likewise by this ex of your husbands. She is not in the equation here - don't make her in it. This is "your" time.

Whether you tell them "Here's what we are going to do today, we are going to just hang out." Ask them for suggestions (that you will "consider"), and be reasonable with them. Or plan a trip for a week - camping or whatever you can afford - get creative and have some FUN! You can do this but do not allow your husbands' ex or the kids to intimidate you. There is nothing wrong with you doing things differently - this is actually a good thing for kids. But be smart about it and HAVE FUN!!!

Alli

Hi Dorthy

Not to sound mean but poor step mom have you ever thought how the children feel ? I am a step child and my step mother has always been rude and disrespectful to me and my siblings when we go to visit with her and our father . I am older know and have a family of my own and would never treat another persons child with disrespect . I am not saying you have to love them but treat them how you want them to treat you with respect . If the children are visiting they can sense you do not want them there . It is not their fault their father is not working . You went in to the relationship with their father knowing he had children . I know I am going on and on but all I have read is about all the poor step moms out there . The children did not ask to be put in your family . When you are in a relationship with some one you get their family like it or not .

step parenting is hard! I was a step parent to a 4 yr old (me and his mom didn't agree on anything!) he is 27 now and we are great friends. I am now newly married and my hubby has a 26 yr old that hates me because I am not his mother who died of cancer a couple of years before I met my hubby. Since you only have them for two weeks I would back off of giving them a lot of rules and let them have the contact with the mom. as far as "what are we going to do today?" all kids ask that! they might not mean "are we going to disney world or seaworld today?" they might just mean "do we have any plans today?" Kid's will usually understand the money shortage issue, as long as both you and their dad are in agreement as to what you will spend and what special things you will go and do. I would imagine that if hubby is home from work with an injury, he probably isn't up for going anywhere extravagant or doing anything strenuous. If he would just spend some quality time with them and maybe some alone time as well. you don't neccesarily have to be involved with everything that they do. I was also a step child and my step mother would insist that my dad take me somewhere alone just he and I on some of my visits (I went every Sunday). I really appreciate that! Maybe it was to get me out of her hair sometimes, and maybe she was doing it for my benefit, but either way it was appreciated! Talk to hubby and come to a financial agreement, the rest should fall into place.

D.,

Just a thought, my youngest (13)always asks what are we doing today, everyday, and has since he was litte. I believe it is his way of coping with an ever changing world. He just wants to know. It isn't that he expects something wonderful or out of the ordinary, just wants to know what to expect. This may be the case with the step kids.

Also, I am the mother of 4. Vacations were always tough, can we do this or that, constantly. Several years ago before vacation we sat down and discussed our vacation budget. They collectively had to decide what they wanted to spend the money on. Did they want to eat out every day or go to a water park one day and eat out just once in the week. I was amazed, they budgeted their money, we had a wonderful vacation.

I'm not a step-mother, but I am a SAHM with a 2 & 10 year old and I hear "what are we going to do today" every day of the summer. The neighborhood pool is always a great place to go. We pack a picnic lunch and stay for hours and play. If you are in the Houston/Tomball area, Spring Creek Park is great and they offer free camping. You just have to register on-line at http://www.hcp4.net/Parks/springcreek/index.htm. The park has a lot of trails for walking/biking as well as swingsets (for your daughter) and a great place for the kids to ride their skateboard/ripstick and/or rollerblades. My son loves it, and you can't beat the free pricetag. We light a fire and put hot dogs on a wire rod and everyone cooks their own meal. The kids like it because when the dogs are done, they can use their sticks to make s'mores. Also, if you have access to a handheld GPS, there are hidden treasures in the park to find and dig up. When you dig one up, you are supposed to take the item that is in it and leave another item for someone else. Usually something small like a army man or something else fun to find.

If the kids are into game systems, you can rent the systems and a few games from Blockbuster. This will help with the down time and breaks from the 100 degree sun or pouring rain that may also occur during their visit.

Good luck and I hope the visit goes well!

T.

Pick a few out of home activities that you and your husband can afford, let the children "vote" on one or two of them and make them understand that Dad is hurt and not working at the time so you will only have one or two "big" treats this trip. Find out if there are other things they enjoy doing that can be done at home and plan around that. There are so many things that do not require much money that can be done at home. Making cookies, kids love cookies, movie nights at home with the homemade cookies, slip and slide in the yard (can be a cheap sprinkler and a painters drop cloth), crafts, planting a small flower garden that is their's each summer or a tree so that they can watch it grow from year to year. You can also start buying water guns, cheap ones and they can play a lot with them. As far as drinking from the garden hose, I did that too as a child, but most children don't do that anymore and some hoses are not safe to drink from. Get sports bottles from Wal Mart, they come in many different colors and do not cost much at all maybe $1. Get a plastic drink jug with a spout, fill it with Kool Aid or decaf tea and set it out for them to have while outside. I understand there is bitterness, but you can make this work.

If you don't already have any, pick up some inexpensive outdoor games from walmart and tell the kids that their project for their stay is to create a playland in the backyard..But that it can't just be ANY playland..It has to be like an obstacle course of things to do and it has to be F. U. N.

Perhaps (if you can afford it) you can offer them a reward for finishing it, like a trip to a movie they want to see or to mini golf or something not too very expensive, but still fun for the family. Also, plan a as many outdoor "picnics" and barbecues as possible while they are there, burgers are cheap to feed the kids and you can do chicken and stuff and it's all done int he backyard, and have them help out, make each of them responsible for a dish.

Take them to the library and see if they have a reading program with a reward for completing it by a certain date. If the date is after the kids go home let the kids know you will ship them any prizes they win.

Most of all, tell them that things are different this year. That they are going to learn to make the most of family time at home without excpected to be treated out places on a regular basis. That just because they only see their dad on certain occasions doesn't mean that those occasions immediately mean some grand expensive adventure.

Adventures take many shapes and forms and this summers adventure is a challenge to see how much fun they can fit into the time they have with their dad without expected him to spend a ton of money...

Good luck!!

First, I think you are doing the right thing to host your husband's children. My thoughts are that many kids at this age do have an expectation of being entertained every minute... not that it is correct! Also they are away from home and probably missing friends, mom and their routine there. To complicate it more they may individually have very different interests. This is not an easy task! Is there some way to figure out what their interests are? (For example my husband's family never plays board games or cards. My family played games all the time.)Either do this before they come or have a meeting with them soon after they arrive. I think it may work better if all of you lay out expectations from the start. They may also feel better because they get to choose activities. This discussion should include everything from foods they like to what time they wake-up or go to sleep. Try to balance activites with some "treats" but make sure you take your budget in mind. If they want to swim, a city pool might be more affordable than a water park. I would also ask them to participate in helping you a bit - cooking, setting the table, laundry, taking out the trash... just small things. Good luck!

check your local library and community center....many of them have free activities, or activities that have a suggested donation.....$1 per head will get them all taken care of! The dear babysitter that I had last summer used to take mine to the community center for all kinds of things....craft activities, luncheons, etc. And, the library would have guest speakers and puppet shows and sometimes bring live animals or reptiles.....all of this is usually free or suggested donation. And, you might try checking the library and community centers that are a little farther away from you to just to broaden your options....

Hi D.,

Here's a restorative format for difficult situations:

When you...................(describe the behavior/action)

I feel.....................(describe your feelings about the above behavior/action)

In the future..............(express what you need from the other person/s)

Depending on the situation and who is complaining: just tell them you know how difficult it is for them (agree with them and keep on doing what you are doing.)

Or before you decide on what to do, gather the little chickadees together and let them decide on what to do. Give them choices. After they make a choice, let them decide what needs to be planned to carry out what they decide on. Put it back on them.

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

Hi, I also note that your original post is a bit old. But, for the future... I have "discovered" that one of the things my kids really enjoy (and I rarely have the time to do) is to bake something either with or FOR them. It doesn't have to be from scratch (just not one of those pop it out of the package stick it in the oven deals). Use a mix if you want.. and stir up some choc.chip cookies and let them have a couple straight out of the oven with a glass of milk. I know it sounds old fashioned and boring. But that's because it's so good that everyone knows the idea. (We just don't ever actually DO it). But they will remember it, I promise. It is always a welcome surprise. My husband gets excited when I bake cookies too. He's not a big sweet eater, but he LOVES them warm straight from the oven.

If you get the kids for the holidays then make some sugar cookies. Use shaped cutters and let them decorate them. I just get a can of white frosting and add food coloring and let them go.. add colored sprinkles. It will be loads of fun and creativity for them, and a tasty treat too. And I'm sure that their "mom" back home doesn't have the time to spend on this sort of thing, and probably not the patience... They will love you for taking the time. That's what kids really remember.
God Bless!

First, there are some really good books out there about step-parenting. If you haven't already, go get one or two and read them before the kids' visit. I have a similar situation with my ex-husband and he always treats the kids to a "Disney Dad" experience whenever they visit him - essentially spending a lot of money on stuff, dinners, going places. However, he never spends "time" with them. They are beginning to realize that "time" is better than anything and it is the one thing that he refuses to give. Secondly, there is a book that lists approx. 150 things to do in Houston and the surrounding areas that have little or no cost.

As far as the water issue - I had the same discussion with my own kids about drinking out of a water hose, and one would have thought that I told them to drink battery acid. The rule at my house is...if it isn't raining, you are outside. No bottled water because I find them half full lying all over the house, garage - total waste of money!!

As a step-parent, it is a tough road. One thing that I have been told by other step parents is that if you can become the step-child's friend, that is a major acomplishment. Good Luck!!

i kinda know what ur going through. i have a step daughter that just turned 6. she lives with her mother 2 hours away, but with my husbands work schedule, he gets to see her maybe once a month, if that, for a weekend. when she is here, she expects everything....and my husband gives it to her trying to make up for their time apart. it's so frustrating as the step parent cuz even if tell tell her no for something, my husband will give in so she's not mad at him. don't even get me started on all the things her mother lets her get away with. she's not an easy child, never has been, but the mother lets her get her way on everything so she won't have to deal with her. sorry i don't have any advise, just wanted u to know ur not alone.

I have been a step mom for 25 yrs. So just a few quick words of advice. First, it is YOUR HOUSE, YOUR RULES!!If "Mom" sends a cell phone this go round, collect them at the door, then allow the children to call her each Wednesday to let them know things are fine in Wonderland. You and your husband have to have a very serious talk. He needs to back you up on decissions. When that magical question "What are we doing today" is ask net time they come or when they come for summer visit, tell them today we are going to grill out as a family and per say play horse shoes. Or, well we will be ordering Pizza tonight and play Scattagorries, or Win Loose Draw, or even old favs like Manoply. They need to learn now that you REFUSE to buy their love and that they can enjoy some good old fashion values as a family. If you do not work and are able to spend time with them during the day, perhaps starting a FAMILY PROJECT scrapbook of your combined family together with you being right there to enjoy and help the little ones. Like I said we have been a blended family for many yrs and these are some of the things we enjoyed doing. But also be sure to let them know you are not the entertainment and they can do things on their own as children Candyland can be played by all ages. So not make it a habit to spend money you do not have, this will become "Expected" of you and then when you do not deliver, you will be the monster. Tell hubby, YOU are his wife now and have him back you up on the cell phones.. I would not put up with that for 10 seconds. The first time we got my stepson, he was very young, and he came for the weekend the phone rang Saturday morning before we were done with breakfast, it was her I looked at my husband and told him "No Sir" you tell her he will be home tomorrow. Problem solved she never called again. Good Luck, B.

You married him with his kids, so you can't resent them. It's not their fault. That's totally unfair and selfish. They are kids/teens, not adults. You make it seem like feeding them is a huge burden. It's your husbands responsibility to feed his children, therefore yours as well.

D.,

I sooooo understand. I am newly married and moved to a new town away from my family. I have a 9 year old daughter and now we have fulltime my husbands 3 y/o,5y/o, and 10y/o. This was very difficult at first, now it's better. I along with my husband set rules for all kids. I treat them all the same. They were used to "dad" buying them whatever they wanted whenever they wanted. We are having to live off a budget now....so no extra spending. They didn't understand, but have adjusted in the past 2 months. I'm not as close to the 10 y/o as I am with the others. But it's getting better. I have tried really hard. I had to use a different approach with him......I had to let him know that I cared. That I wasn't just out to control him. He has trust issues....his mom has lots of different men in and out of the house. I made it clear that I was here to stay!!!!! I really wish you the best of luck, because I know it's hard!!!!!!!!!!!! God Bless

My kids went and spent entire summers w/ their father and step mother....at least it was SUPPOSED to be the entire summer...he usually returned them after only 1 1/2 months (June and 1/2 July). I didn't mind them spending time with their dad but really resented the step-moms (there were a total of 2 while the kids were growing up). The step-moms were all about themselves and made my kids feel like they were a burden and in the way and always griped to my kids about all the money they had to send to ME. I would've LOVED it if the step-moms would've loved my kids as I did. I have 3 grown step-daughters and 11 step-grandkids. I never speak ill of their mother/grandmother and strive to treat them as I wish my kids would've been treated by their step-mom. Of course, as they were all grown when I married their father, I never had the visitation problems but so far (10 years) I have a pretty good relationship w/ his daughters. In fact, when I met my husband, he was $35,000 in the hole on child support and hadn't spoke to his daughters in 3 years. I told him this was unacceptable! We worked together to pay back the back child support (THAT wasn't easy) and I have worked at him and his daughters re-building their father/daughter relationships. I mean, those are HIS CHILDREN! Today, he now talks to his daughters and grandchildren on a regular basis. As others have said, it is the children that are hurt by divorce and we, as adults, should love them and strive to do all we can to make them as comfortable and loved as possible.
good luck to you and I hope you do all you can to make those two weeks w/ the kids as memorable as possible. Don't need to spend a lot of money, just spend a lot of TIME w/ them...as a JOINED family! they will love and respect you for it in time.

My children have a step-mother and I have watched many things I agreed and disagreed with. My ex left me as a SAHM with a 4yr old daughter and 21 month old son with developmental delay. I dedicated my life to my children and married my exclaimed we never had money for me or the kids. We lived with basics, no cable, no vacations and I shopped for things for our children and myself at second hand shops. During our year of separation he dated and moved his girlfriend to the area and into our children lives. Since he didn't want to pay child support he decided to want 50% visitation in the form of every other 4 days. This was so hard on our kids and me but since he didn't spend much time with them while in the home they felt uncomfortable. I taught them that they were blessed to have two homes when some children didn't have one. I explained that another adults love was also a blessing. Then in time I learned step mom was bad mouthing me to my children and trying to compare herself and parenting skills. Yes the only children se has had are mine and wanting to judge me never getting to know me. They have tried to be "Disney World" and upset because my kids don't value people by the money they spend but by the love that is given. After 8 yrs she is professing that she is a better mother to the extent that they wanted custody of my chidren because I went back to college, an hour and a half away, to complete my degree that I had pre-marriage completed 3 and a half years of. When my children are in their home they are not allowed to call me. Now I get every other weekend visitation unless I move back to the same county. My children have not had hygiene needs met or hunger. She complains that all they do at my home is sit around the house. Their argument is they want to show my children the world. Step mom was a flight attendant and they use to threaten me to go away or they would take my children so I could never find them and spend the rest of my life searching for my babies. All these years later (it'll be 10 yrs this March for our divorce) my children don't call their house 'home'. That saddens my heart.
Children learn how you want them to treat you. Step children should be treated and loved for who they are like your friends kids or kids at church. If you are only capable or willing to love your own children then maybe it's not the children and their expectations. Especially since you have children of basically the same ages. The children could become best of friends or like classmates. Now if you are sending his children outside for adult discussions and not your own there is a problem. If all children are given the same directions they wouldn't feel displaced. Blaming biological mom for having concerns about children being away for 2wks with you (a stranger) and ex (there is a reason why they're divorced) is sad. I'm sure if your younger children went away to camp for 2wks you would want contact or at least provide them access to contacting you. If your kids were outside playing too with your husbands and used to water hose for drinking water they wouldn't think anything of it. Besides a vacation is when you're away from home for a short period of time visiting family or a different location. It sounds like you were looking for trouble you didn't get and then surprised at the wonderful visit. Make sure you weren't being selfish and pointing the finger at everyone else in the situation. You did state you worked full time and have in addition to 2 grown children 5 that are his kids ages. His kids are well aware that is your home and not theirs even though their father lives there. To make them feel unwanted or in the way or a burden of any kind is cruel. I didn't hear any demands on you or your home just the fact that the exist and ask a common question. They will feel so uncomfortable that they will be left with only their fathers name and not a relationship.

Peace and blessings remembering childhood has an ending.

Dear D.!
I just read your story from last May and found it really heartening. I am glad that you stuck to your guns and kept it simple. Personally I think that parents today err on the side of wanting to please their children too much, as if parenting isn't hard enough already. It creates a society of people who are hard to please and unable to please themselves.
Good for you for sending them out to play, out to make their own adventures at the nearby lake!!! Baking, making popcorn, playing Scrabble and such, is what my kids did a lot of when they were growing up. If they told me they're bored, I used to say to them, "boring people get bored"! LOL Today my 15 year old is organizing his (cell phone carrying) friends to go sledriding. Yei for simple pleasures!
N

I am only a step-parent, never gave birth to my own. Before the kids moved in with us, they visited on weekends, holidays and all summer breaks. At first they felt that coming to "dad's house" was a vacation. We explained to them that this is their "other house" and every trip is not vacation. Sometimes we would go to a water or amusement park or camping but most of the time we would do stuff around the house. We would all go play outside together, not just send them outside. Arts and crafts are fun. I would tell the kids that they could make something special for their mom or dad and that would make them more comfortable with me because they new I wasn't feeling threatened or trying to block out mom when they were with us. They would usually make something for me too. If they feel that they are as important to you as your children are, they will be more relaxed with you. I am a step-child so I am speaking from experience.

You mentioned that the children were sent outside without drinks so the grown-ups could talk. Hard to believe but most people under the age of 30 or so have never drank out of a water hose. Would you or did you expect this of "your" children? If so, you need to let your step-children know that you didn't do this to them to be malicious, this is just something you do/did with your children and didn't realize that it would make them upset. Another thing you may want to try is to wait until bedtime to have the grown-up talks with your hubby. This way, they won't feel as though their time with ya'll is being invaded and won't feel like you think they are in the way.

If you are tense and frustrated, the children will sense it. One thing that you can do to relive some of that is to sit down and talk with the children. Find out what their interests are and see if you can plan some activities around that. Ask them for some no-money or low-money ideas for entertainment. Or you can even let them know what the activity budget is and give them several options. If they can't all agree you can let them vote or draw straws or something. We have 3 so we had to do this sometimes.

Good luck and I hope you and your step children can learn to have fun together!!

I know this post is old....but I have to say I understand what you are going through....it's hard being a step-parent because the kids are a product of a mom that is completely different than you are! Yes, they are probably pampered and we step-parents cannot understand why the bio-moms 'baby' them....and if we were the 'mom' we would do things differently. I was fortunate and have had the chance to do things differently because the bio-mom is out of the picture....but only having the kids 2 weeks a year, it makes it impossible to put your stamp on them - they will not conform to your way of thinking...so it just makes it harder on yourself to get bent out of shape over how they react to anything you say or do - which is completely unfair to you since it is your house and you believe how you were raised was fair enough. I tend to agree with you on playing outside and had to do the same thing - when the kids first moved in with me they could not play outside for more than 5 minutes at a time - they had no imagination or creativity - they were used to watching tv and playing video games or staying inside all the time. When I was growing up I don't remember ever coming inside (we had way less entertainment inside any way)....we would play outside for countless hours on end and never complained about it - so for them to not be able to play for a couple hours is ridiculous. I would let the kids keep plastic cups outside filled with water....but they could not keep running in and out...but I also think that the bio-mom is a little over protective...like any mom would be - she wants to make sure they are happy and taken care of - so she will text them all the time and she herself probably has separation anxiety - and then she will freak out more if she thinks they are being mistreated - even if it's a simple thing like that can't figure out how to use the hose...so maybe DH can let his ex know that she should back off a little and not to worry...they are fine. Also - I think just letting the kids know expectations up front and writing the rules down on a paper would help out for next time too - I think it's awesome that you went out of your way to change your attitude and accept them as-is and had a great time....I hope every year goes as smoothly...and don't feel too badly about getting frustrated and anxious before the kids come over, but do try to enjoy them while they are there as much as possible...and know that other moms are going through the same thing!

Being a step-parent is not easy. Regardless of what you do ( Short of spending a lot of money on them ) you will not be though of in a kind fashion. Fortunately I have been in this situation but my common sense says that you should maintain your daily routine ( This might help you to keep from feeling so put out.). Like you as a kid I was sent outside to play and it was up to me to find something interesting. I find absolutely nothing wrong with that approach. Poor babys! You didn't send them some bottled water. Ain't life tough. It sounds like to me that they have been so pampered at their other home that they expect everything to be handed to them on a silver platter. Like I said, ain't life tough? The next time they start to badmouth you for doing or not doing something I would turn and say to them "Well, that's the way we do things in this home and I really don't care to hear your griping and complaining." You have every right to expect that anyone ( And I do mean anyone ) who comes into your home to respect you and your home. Before next years visit you might want to have a serious chat with your husband and make absolutely sure that he understands how you feel. That home is as much yours as it is his. Not even his kids have the right to come into your home and give you a bad time because you are not pampering their every wish.