Adviced Needed

Maybe you could pick her up after you get off work. It would give you both a little time together before taking her to school in the morning. I think this would be easier on her than picking her up at 11:30 p.m., when she would be really sleepy.

Have you been working this schedule since she was born ? Or is this something new ? This is just my opinion, but if you can still pay the bills working a more normal schedule somewhere else you should do that. Children are more important than jobs and she will only be young once and it goes by so fast ! She is definitly missing you and needing you. Children need their mothers. Do you spend any time with her at all ? If you absolutely cannot quit you must set aside some time everyday for just you and her. She is probably feeling very alone right now, feeling like a piece of luggage that is just getting shipped from here to there.

Without knowing what kind of job you could get it is hard to say change jobs, but sometimes the money isn't worth what it does to a family. If you had to cut corners on a lower salary,but have a great home life, well you have to choose.

If I understand your schedule correctly, you are able to pick up your daughter after your work shift each day after 6 a.m. and then take her and pick her up from school each day. That means you can have breakfast with her, get her ready for school drop her off, sleep while she's at school, and then be there when she gets off school, have after school snack do homework, play and then have dinner together before you have to go back to work. Is that about right? And then there are at least 2 days in a row where you don't have to work, some days 3, where you can have her home with you at night to give her a bath and put her to bed each night. I would think as long as you practice a routine based on whether you are working or not and follow that routine as closely as possible, it will eventually seem normal to her.

When I was a child, my mom was a single parent and worked two jobs to pay our way. I was at the babysitter's house from very early in the morning until after 9 p.m. at night each week day. I was very blessed to have a wonderful caregiver, and yes, I did miss my mom, but we did that for the first 7 years of my life and it worked for us. My mom made sure we had fun weekends and spent quality time together whenever possible. I don't remember feeling neglected or like I had a "horrible mom". My memories are of the fun things she and I used to do together. Things like going to the mall, going to the library, feeding the ducks at the park, playing board games or something as simple as sitting together on the floor in front of the coffee table eating dinner while watching tv.

I personally would think it would be harder to have your husband pick her up at 11:30 p.m. rather than letting her sleep at your grandmother's house until you can pick her up the next morning. I don't think it would offer my kids any additional stability to be home from midnight to 6 a.m. without me than it would for them to be with their grandmother that same amount of time since they are in fact sleeping during that time frame.

It may seem hard since your daughter is having trouble transitioning, but most kids are that way from time to time. My three year old has been going back and forth through this phase of being very resistant to go into his preschool each morning, and then he'll go through a phase where he'll just run in and not even give me a second glance.

I think if you plan your time well, have everything organized, have a very specific routine for days that you're off work and also for the days that you do work, and you make the most of the time you have with your daughter, things should work out ok. The good thing is that on days you have off, you can do your housework and run errands during her school time, or if you try to keep the same sleep schedule on days you don't work, you can do those things while she's sleeping, so you can spend the rest of your time with her and making her feel special and loved.

:-)

T.,

I have been working deep nights (7a to 7p) for over 10 years and since my DD was a year old. I try to get all of my days squished together so that all of my off time is together. My Family leaned to work together in order for the family to function. My husband works a regular 9-5. There are many advantages to working the deep night, such as I am able to spend every afternoon home with my DD and also be a leader in her GS troop. During my off days, it is "family time" and during my work days, they know that I sleep, eat, spend time with DD, and then go back to work. What is hard is not seeing my husband for 3 days in a row, but the benefits make this arrangement work for all of us. Mind you I get up at 2:00 everyday to pick her up from school myself, and while I not get much sleep on work days, (about 6 hours) I get to see my daughter.

Your daughter is old enough to understand "work days" and "family days" on work days she goes to school and grandmas etc and on family days it is mommy and daughter time. She will learn the routine and come to feel like she helping the family also. it is all in the way you present the problem and the way your family works together. Keep a positive attitude and she will see that you are happy so she will be happy.

I hope this helps a little
Jenny

T., by all means have your husband pick up your daughter. Spending the night with your mom might be fun every now and then, but it apparently is stressful for your daughter. You might encourage your mom to have her take a nap in the afternoon so she won't be missing the rest. Kids are very adaptable but they need the security of their own home and parents.

Allright T.,
First of all, BUCK UP!! No-one said being a mom is easy. The first thing you should do, is NOT cry with her. I am not saying not to agree with her, but it will make it that much harder everyday if there is a scene, and crying. And she will learn that to get her way, all she has to do is make mom feel guilty and turn on the water works. And besides it is not helping the situation any. It makes for a bad way to start the day, and puts her in a stressful attitude for the pre-school teacher to deal with all day.
What exactly would the benefit be for her step-dad to pick her up at 11:30? You will be interupting everyone's sleep pattern, for something that she needs to get used to anyway.You already pick her up and drop her off at daycare daily anyway. And will do the same when school starts in the fall, unless I read that wrong.
I don't think that picking her up at 11:30 is going to be as good an idea as you think it is. Plus at 11:30, she will not see YOU, to comfort her back to sleep, it will be her stepdad. And you won't see her any earlier than when you get off of work, just like picking her up from grandma's house. So I really can't see the benefit. Other than to make you feel better.
I think that the more you keep her on a schedule, with consistent routines the better she will do. I think that you should talk to her and just explain that you want to be with her but you have adult things to do.
I am an R.N. and have worked nights pretty much my whole career of 15 years. And I have been where you have been. Sometimes, cutting back or changing shifts, or jobs is just not possible. You can't just cut your spending and stay home. Obviously if you could, you would have already done so. And all of my children have done the same thing. Even though they got to stay at home with their daddy as the primary care-giver. Or grandparents. And it isn't always easy to have to explain the need for you to be gone. Because they just don't understand adult responsabilities. When mine would say, why do you have to go to work, I would reply, so you can have food to eat, and clothes to wear and a house to live in!! and of course they would say, well we don't need anymore clothes, So I got to where I would say, "well if I don't go to work, then you will have to eat bugs and worms because then we won't have enough money to buy food. Do you want to eat bugs and worms?" they would say "no" but would begin to get an idea, I wasn't going off to have fun, and that what work did was to enable them to have what they needed. I think in their minds they think that you are off having fun without them. I also stress that they are important. But that the sick people I take care of need me also, because who would take care of them if I didn't show up?
You may be missing things, but that doesn't mean you can't do special things with her to fill in the gaps. Like make cookies all the time. Or paint nails with her on your days off. Special tea party at home. Park day. crafts. library time. reading. you can always think of something that just you and her can do. She will always remember "my mom had to work, but every day off we would...." All you have to do is to decide what to do. And I guarantee that no matter what you choose, she will like it, simply because it is with you. And then she will have plenty of memories and quality time with Mom. My oldest likes to grocery shop with me...of all things. But it is usually just me and him. I guess that is his way of being by himself with me....or ensuring he gets to pick the cereal. I haven't quite decided yet.
I would also not get her a toy or present everytime you have quality time. Then you will teach her that buying her things equals loving her. Instead of spending good quality time on your off days. present or not. Money and things won't fill in the gap or hole in your heart or hers.
I also think that you should consider the fact that you are truly blessed. You have a grandmother to help you with her care. Have you thought about the fact that you will be depriving her of time with great grandmother? And that the relationship with her great grandmother is important also. Alot of people do not have such a devoted great granmother to help out as you do. And since she is so great, do you think it will be easier for her to get up and help get daughter out the door at 11:30 at night? Let's face it, taking her into consideration would be a wise thing to do. My own 80 year old grandmother still babysits my kids at least once a month....3 boys no less. And I think of the fact that she feels so good to be able to help me out. I would hate to take away her opportunity to help. And for my children to be deprived of her time. She feels so worthwhile to be able to "give back" and I wouldn't want to take away her ability to bless me and to spoil the kids. As she puts it. And she gets lonely. And my children have learned so many valuable things from her.
I think that picking your daughter up at 11:30 at night will be making it harder on everyone involved.
I am sorry your daughter doesn't like it, and that you don't either, but sooner or later your daughter will work it out. And you can't always change your schedule to make either of you feel better. And how you handle this situation will teach her how to handle not only this situation, but others in the future. FOR SURE!!! A bad mother wouldn't worry about her daughter or her feelings.
You are an adult and sometimes have to do what is right and needed, not just what is fun. You have obligations that sometimes clash with being a mommy. That is the real world. Not to be rude, But SUCK IT UP!!
Good Luck!
L.

Dear T. C,

You are NOT a horrible mom! Obviously, you are quite a caring mom. I have already prayed for you and your daughter (your husband too). I also pray that you will be able to switch shifts soon. Are you able to be with your daughter on your days off, or do you take her to daycare every day? I suggest that you try to spend some time with her on your off days. It is normal for children her age to cry when being dropped off at daycare. She will most likely "grow out of" that. Spending quality time with her on the days you don't have to work is what both she and you need. Enjoy the time you have with her!

Deb D

You have to weigh all of the advice given and then go with what gives you the most peace. I don't think any of us can answer the question for you. I personally do not think is it terrible to have her picked up at 11:30pm. It sounds like waking up in her own bed would offer her some sense of comfort. If she can fall right back asleep and sleep during the car ride home I would do that. I don't konw how close your grandmother lives to you. That may be a factor.

You are NOT a terrible mother. You are a mother like the rest of us trying to figure out what will work best for your family.

The most important thing that your child wants is mommy/daddy time even in small spurts. YES your husband should be picking her up and bringing her to your house to sleep in her bed...Make the change now as this will cause troubles when she starts kindergarten in the form of attention seeking behaviors...

Always remember anytime spent with your child is blessed time..

I think that if your daughter has a good close relationship with her step dad, he should pick her up after his shift and take her to her own bed. Tell her about it for a few nights first so she isn't surprised-telling her that you are going to do this because you want her to feel better and be able to sleep in her own bed will also show her how much you care. The first few nights might be a bit crazy since she is not used to being taken from one bed to home, but it would probably help her feel more secure to wake up at home with in the environment that is more normal for her.
By the way, you should stop thinking you are a horrible mom!!! You are trying to provide for your family in a tough situation and are trying to do what's right, so give yourself a break.

You poor thing. My prayers are with you for your families emotional healing. You are going to get tons of advice on exactly what you should and shouldn't be doing with your child but this is YOUR family and you have to do what works for YOUR family. One thing I would do is do a test run on your husband picking her up after he gets of work. If your child is anything like mine she will sleep through most of the process. if that process doesn't work then you can always go back to the way it was. Kids are resilient, sure their schedules get a little messed up, but they bounce back so much quicker than us parents. :) Good luck sweetheart just remember that no matter what anyone says
Oh and T. one more thing... Those that tell you what to do with your job, like you should quite 'cause money bring the time back. That's true, but they don't know your whole story. Some families need two incomes due to many things. Don't let them think you are a bad mom just because you work and want to provide the best for your family.

I had the same situation when I was a child. I felt sad and wanted my mother even though I loved my grandmother. My mom was a wonderful mom and I got over it and lived to be happy and well-adjusted. However, if you feel that badly about it, have your husband pick her up and put her in bed and tell her mommy will be home at 6 or whatever and she will come wake her up and kiss her. Remember....everything is temporary and children get past all events in their little lives unless it is a horrible situation. Just give her lots of love and kisses. :)

T.:

I am a working single mom of a 3 y.o. son, at home. I am a birth doula and social worker and a full time grad student, so I know what it feels like to have to lean on family to make ends meet with my kiddo. However, on the days that I have free time, we play, go to Chuck E. Cheese, read together and I let him help me with my homework. He loves it. I ask him to ding me songs and brush my hair. Anythin i can to connect to him. I would also suggest you have your husband pick her up each night, carry her to bed and tuck her in. If at all possible, your grandmother can have her fed and bathed each night before he arrives and her can pick her up sleep, carry her to bed tuck her and say aprayer over her sleeping peacefully in HER bed. Then, she wakes up at home with daddy and mommy right there in familiar surroundings. Children are resilient and she will adjust to a regemented schedule. Keep in mind, you are a good provider and no matter what anyone says, unless they are paying your bills, you have to make your family work. Guilt will drive you crazy and remember guilt should be felt when you do sometihng wrong. Providing a life for your daughter is not something to feel guilty over. Maximize your off time with her, and if you can put her in a recreational sport, I can't wait for soccer season. Good luck and GOD bless..

Love and blessings,
N.

I am a married working mom of two boys...17 & 12. I experienced the same with the older one when he was 3 but with a sitter. When a child does not want to leave you it is for a reason. You will never have any regrets if you just listen to your heart, motherly instincts, and just plain old gut feelings. There is no amount of money that can replace time with your child. I know from experience.
Listen to your heart!!

I grew up in a home where my mom worked as a night nurse supervisor for the ER. One thing she did, was make sure we always ate breakfast together as a family. I can still remember some of these breakfast even some of the conversations we had. I believe that as long as you try and spend some time together each day as a family, your daughter will adjust, and even have fond memories of the time you do spend together.

T., though I did not have a need to pick up my child at 11:30 pm when I was going to school part-time, I did pick her up anywhere from 9 to 10 pm on some nights when my child was your child's age (and a bit younger and older). My sister put her to bed and I picked her up sleeping, put her in the car still sleeping, got her home still sleeping and put her in her own bed still sleeping. She's already ready for bed being in her pajamas. It is nothing wrong for your child to be picked up at 11:30. Don't wake her, just pick her up, put her in the car, get her home, and put her in her own bed. Get a key from your grandmother so you won't have to worry about waking her when your husband picks up your daughter.

Hi T.. I have not had experience in your situation, but my sister has! She works retail and has quite a few LATE nights during the week. She is a single Mom and her ex lives close by. They worked it out for him to pick the child up from Grandma's house, go to her house where he could put her to bed and stay until my Sister got home. This worked great! She got to sleep in her own bed and see her Mom in the morning before school! I know having you're Grandma is very handy but you probably don't want her driving back home at 11:30 at night (when your husband gets home), but is there anyone that could? I would definitely NOT pick her up and interrupt her sleep! My sister did that too and it made for a cranky child! Whatever you do, try not to feel guilty.. you're doing the best you can at this time and things will get better!

While I do understand your position I am going to give you some deeply unpopular advice: if your daughter means that much to you either you or your husband needs to quit their job. Yes. Sell the cars and get used ones, cut down on the cell phone package. Get rid of cable TV. Maybe even take a step back and move into an apartment. How can I say such incredible things? Because I've been there and done that and would never trade a minute I spent with my children for all the luxaries I gave up for the moment. Worth every fancy vacation we didn't take and every nice new car we never bought. You only get one chance with them, don't keep throwing it away!

T. C
Is there anyway your grandmother can stay over on those nights when you work, so your daughter's home routine is not interrupted? I would not suggest your husband picking her up at midnight, as this is distruptive to her sleep. I feel for your situation with work, and having a pre-school age daughter. Hopefully, these sacrifices you are making for your family will turn out for the better.
L.

T.,
I'm no shrink, just a mom. But if it were me, I would make some spending changes in the household and take the pay cut to get a better work schedule. These are precious years that you don't get back and are critical in the development of your child. Think of it this way.. What would you have to give up to take a job that lets you spend that needed time with her? Is that worth giving up? Absolutely.

All we really have for sure is today. Make it count.

I agree with the job change, it might be tough at first. It's not just for her, when do you and your husband have time together? when do the three of you have regular time as a family?

If that is not possible, could Grandma or someone else keep your daughter at home and put her down in her own bed? That would provide stability for her.

I know your in a rough spot Good Luck with your decision.

I would say leave her at your grandmother's house. It's best that they get an uninterrupted night of sleep. There are so many things that we beat ourselves up about as parents, but in reality, you're doing what's necessary to take care of your family. Maybe you can ask your grandmother to follow a routine similar to the one you have when you're off work. She could also call you before going to bed, and you can sing her a song or tell her a quick story. Eventually, you'll get a better work schedule, and this will be a distant memory. Hang in there!

T.,
I hear your pain. I was in a similar spot when my kids were school age. I worked a very stressful job but making more money there than I could elsewhere. My family was suffering from my stress. I made a tough decision...who and what is most important, my family and me or the money. I made out a strict budget, told the kids we are shrinking our spending, found a much less stressful position and we were all much happier in the end.
I guess you have to ask yourself, what is most important to you, material things or your daughter's security.
D.

You have so many response - I am not sure if this has been mentioned yet so I'll apologize in advance if it is a duplicate. . .

Have you considered having someone come to your home from 5:30 - 11:30 on the nights you go to work. Yes, it is $$ out the door - but it would allow your daughter to sleep in the same bed every night. Assuming your husband works M-F and could cover the weekend (S-S)if you were working - you would need either 2 or 3 nights of coverage a week. could be able to do the bedtime routine.

Good luck!

Have you thought about having your grandmother come stay at your house on the nights you work so your daughter can go to sleep in her own bed? Or maybe you could get a babysitter to stay at your house until your husband comes home from work. Good luck!

you might want to think about getting a nannie for the couple of hours that you guys need that would be from 5ish to 11:30.. so it is not like it is long... then you both will be able to be there for her..... good luck...

It would be great if you could change your schedule thru this company or by finding another job like some of the other posters have said, but from what you posted, it sounds like that is just not an option. So don't let guilt rule you. And don't feel like a horrible mom. A horrible mom wouldn't feel bad about her daughter not transitioning well.

I agree with Nicole's post. Leave her at your Grandmother's all night. Give her some time to adjust, and be there for her when you can. Kids are resilient and she knows you love her. Kids also have great intuition and know how to push our buttons. Depending on what time she goes to bed, you aren't missing that much time with her and she is getting the chance to bond with your grandmother - what a blessing!

She needs her sleep. Let her stay at your grandmothers house and when you get off go and wake her up and get her ready for school and have some one on one time with her before school. After school pick her up and spend some one on one time before you go to work. If this does not work because of where your grandmother lives then see if you can find someone to be at your house when you have to leave for work and can leave when your husband gets home.
good luck.

First, stop being so hard on yourself. You are obviously doing the best you can in a difficult situation. Second, kids are pretty resiliant. I've been taking care of my grandchildren for 6 years now. When I began caring for them, the situation was similar. Their dad, my son, worked second shift. He would drop the girls at daycare before he went to work. I would pick them up at night and take them home with me. Dinner, bath, and bed all occurred at my home. In the morning, I'd take them to his home or to school or daycare on my way to work. They spent his days off with him. That way the girls had a regular routine and a proper night's sleep. It wasn't always easy and the youngest child did a lot of clinging on those occaisions when I dropped her off at daycare. What worked for her was to take something with her that belonged to me. I wear scarves around my neck a lot. So I would leave one with her on the days she was having separation issues. That way a little piece of Nana stayed with her through the day. Perhaps something like that would work for you. You're not a horrible mom. You're a very good one. You've found safe places for your child to be while you work hard to support her. Yes, you miss alot, but so does every working mom. The point is to make the best of the time you do have with her. And don't be afraid to keep looking for another job. If your skills are so valuable where you are and they won't work with you to help with your scheduling concerns, there is someone else out there looking for what you have to offer who will. Never feel trapped. You'll find what you need eventually and in the meantime, you're doing a great job trying to balance. You've got to sleep sometime you know and it's okay to drop your little one at daycare so you can.

Girl, that is a tough row to hoe for sure! That is such a precious age, and man can they pull at your heart strings. I think if it were me, I would go ahead and pick her up from Grandma's. Yes, it would probably be inconvient, but i think it would make her feel so much better having you wake her up in the morning in her own little bed. At least try it for a while, you may find it's worth the inconvience. Hopefully Grandma doesn't live too far away. I feel for you, it sounds like a really tough spot to be in.
Good luck!

Wow, T.! I cannot imagine being in your situation. I worked nights before kids and that was tough enough but to do it while juggling family life would be really hard. You must be super woman! I do understand needing the extra income though. This is exactly why I started looking for other work options. I considered all kinds of options but really wanted to figure out a way to be home with my kids. After MUCH looking, researching and considerations of various options, I started my own home based business. I never thought that I would do that but I am now so thankful that I did and it is working out perfectly for my family. There will actually come a day that my husband can cut back his hours dramatically. I never pictured myself doing this but I am so thankful that I found Arbonne because it has not only changed my life but so many others and I haven't missed one day with my kids! Such a blessing! I would be happy to share with you so you can decide if it would be a fit for you and your family. You can email me from my website www.foravibrantlife.myarbonne.com. I wish you all the best and know that you aren't a horrible mom. Your concern about your daughter shows that you are a great mom! Best wishes to you and your family!

PLEASE do NOT wake her and take her home at 11:30. Even check this one with you pediatrician. Broken sleep in developing brains leads to all kinds of issues. Let her sleep at Grandmas for a full nights sleep. Kids at this age need approximately 12 hours of sleep per night. This will all change as she grows, this is just on season in your life.

How about asking your husband to spend a few nights on the couch at Grandma's and bring your daughter home when she wakes up? (Let Grandma sleep in.) Then she'd have Daddy right there and he could bring her home and he could crash after the three of you have "breakfast" together. It would split his sleep schedule but you would all have time together for on meal of the day. Maybe with the assurance of one parent available when she wakes up she will settle in and not tug so hard at you.

One other note: If you spent the night on Grandma's couch on your days off then she would be more likely to settle in to the routine. Making "weekends" the fun time when everyone sleeps in their beds at home.

Night shift can be difficult; we watch two neighbor children while their single-dad works nights. They are older than your daughter and better understand that Daddy has to go to work, but it's still hard. However, the upside is he is available to them if they get sick and need to stay home from school; school fund raising events; etc.

I pray you will find your niche soon; for the sake of all of you -- including Grandma.

I understand the long hours and the guilt your feeling, my son was at the babysitters and with their kids so much, he started calling the babysitters husband daddy b/c that's what he heard his kids call him. I was working at night and going to school in the mornings. My weekdays were long and hectic.
However he came out okay.

1. Picking her up at 1130pm do not disturb (however I would use this as option when she's feeling lonely--ask her if she would like daddy to pick her up tonight and then she could meet you at the door in the morning) ??Is grandma okay with being disturbed in the middle of the night??

You have to remember you are blessed that you have a family member to leave her with at night and the option to let her stay overnight, some individuals (like I had to for a while while working nights) they have to pick up their kids at the end of their night shift with no option. The kids adjust fine and they normally don't even wake up..being prepared to be carry her out of the house... So having grandma is a blessing within itself. Please be sure to thank her every chance you get.

Then too you have think about grandma disturbing her in the middle of night. Talk to grandma about it maybe he can pick her up once a week or every other week if will not disturb grandma too much.

If this will not work for grandma get out a marker and calendar or stickers and plan a momma/daughter date for the weekend or surprise her one day and spend a hour or two at preschool with her. I know you have to get some sleep.

You know what your family needs to survive and thrive and you must do what is going to be best for your family and sometimes that requires sacrifices from everyone but as long as everyone feelings and issues are discussed and respected it will all work. Being there for your child involves more than just being at home with your child. It's not all black and white. Pray about it and you do what is right for EVERYONE.

God Bless and Good Luck!!!!

Oh, T., you sound like a WONDERFUL mom, and my heart goes out to you! I'll bet your daughter would be just fine if she got picked up late at night. Driving home in PJs might be a fun, special time with her stepdad...or she may sleep right through it and then be excited to wake up in her own bed:) Either way, every family has their own "normal." If yours involves weird hours, so be it. It's not ideal, but you are doing your best! Good luck!

A child can never have too many people in their lives that loves her, so as long as your grandmother and husband are good to her, let her spend the night at her grandma's. Children need consistency, routine, and sleep! So if that is the "norm" that works for your family, then do what works for you. Also, please stop beating yourself up and don't feel guilty for doing what you have to do to take care of your daughter! You are setting a great example for her on being a strong, loving, productive mom who works hard to take care of her family. And grandparents are wonderful role models to have in a child's life.

Also, it might be a good idea for you to try to be more positive yourself when you drop her off at school. She will model your attitude and if you are crying when you drop her off, of course she will be anxious too. Tell her you love her, she's going to have a great day at school, and Mommy will see her today after school! Good luck and let us know how it goes. LT

Hi T.,
I agree with Nicole. Also, speaking from the standpoint of being a step-mom (and mom), I can tell you that the things my step-daughter loves the most about our house is the time we spend with her (even if it is only an hour or two). I do all kinds of crafts (painting, drawing, play dough, etc). I too, had a very difficult schedule and often had to work two shifts to make ends meet. BUT, she always remembers that I spent the time to do activities with her. So, try to spend some quality time with her on your days off and she won't even remember that you were working all the time, she'll remember that mommy spent time with her. Good luck!

Any chance he can change his schedule? Or is there someone who can watch her at your house until he gets home? If not, you may experiment and see how she does. I would try before she starts school.

The first think you need to do is to let go of the guilt you feel. You make the best decisions you can and then you have to stand behind them. Second guessing just makes you feel guilty and that ruins the time you have with your daughter. I would suggest having a talk with her and explaining that this is necessary for the time being but then ask her to help you plan out how to make your time together more special and how to make the transitions easier. That way you are both working on solving the problems and not on solving the guilt. She picks up your guilty feelings and that is too complicated for her to deal with; it is an adult problem she can't deal with it. Accept your situation as a given and then work with her to help both of you feel more at ease and in control of the variables. Make plans for the time you do have with her and follow through on those plans so she will have good memories to take into the times you are not there. Draw pictures and tell stories of the good times; she will remember those and not the bad feelings.

Poor baby! when mom "drops" her off at a sitter (even if it is a relative) she gets butterflies at having to sleep at someone elses house. I think you should definately let him pick her up, it will show her that no matter what, she gets to come home to her own bed and look forward to seeing you in the morning. I can only imagine how scared she feels having to sleep somewhere else every night, not knowing where she is going to be when she wakes up. It can be a bonding rouitine for your daughter and husband as well.

T.: I used to agonize over leaving my girls at daycare when they were very young. My job involved frequent travel. I would have rathered been at home but that wasn't possible. Instead, I made sure to TELL them how much I loved them and wanted to be with them, and I would TELL them how I thought about when we were apart and showed them the pictures that I carried with me. Today, my girls are independant confident young women who understand what it means to work hard and to make the most of quality family time. As she gets older, her anxiety will lessen. Just be vigilant to make sure that her anxiety is not due to being uncomfortable with her caregiver(s). Also, talk to her teacher about your concerns so they can keep an eye on her and let you know how she is doing throughout the day.

The main thing you are doing is taking care of your family. You have to work. And you have to do what you have to do.

Unfortunately, yes, I think it would be wrong to wake her at 11:30 and bring her home. She will really need the proper rest when she begins school. You may have to make the decision how much you want to bring her to school and such. I know you may not be able to start at making the same money, but taking a cut and more flexibility may relieve your stress. Money is nice, but remember, your precious will only be this young once. My husband and I had to make the same choice. I gave up a very lucrative job and we made cutbacks. It's hard to live on less money, but never underestimate that it can be done.
PS You are by NO means a horrible mother because your job doesn't allow you to change your schedule!

T.,
This has to be really hard on you. I have a 3 year old who I stayed home with for so long that when it came time for me to go back to work he cried every morning. I work for an agency and if you'd like I can view your resume and help maybe find you something that will be in the same pay rate your making. I enjoy helping people in your situation. I have plenty of high end paying positions, it just depends on what type of work your in and if you are interested in working days. Please don't hesistate to email me for any help you need or anyone else who could be interested.As for your question, I really think your husband should pick her up so when she wakes up in the mornings shes at home and there with you. I know its late, but at least she can go home and feel secure knowing mommy will be there soon. I hope this helps.
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T.,

You obviously love and care about your daughter. Your deepest desire and intuition is to raise your daughter, and you are right. People here have talked about the responsibilities you must shoulder, but your biggest responsibility is your DAUGHTER, not your job.

Where can you cut back on the less important things, so you can live on one income? It can too be done. We have six children and live on one oncome. It is tight sometimes, but our children don't know it!

It's not too good to be true. You can be a full-time Mom!

Hi T.,

If you must stay with your current situation you need to make the most of it. I am in a similar situation where I was suddenly placed into the single parent role and I am gone 2 nights per week for work. My son stays with my parents those 2 nights and I know he is in good hands but I had a lot of guilt about this situation. My son started doing the same thing when I dropped him off at preschool (crying, clinging to me) and I realized he is probably picking up on my anxiety over the situation. When I changed my attitude about it and explained what was going to go on during the week and why (in very simple to understand words) he started to adjusting and we are both happier now. I make it fun and pump him up about having a sleep over and the grandparent's house and how much fun it will be and he is excited to see my dad pick him up now. I thought about changing jobs but I love my job, it pays well, and it allows me to be off more than any other normal job so I make the most of my time with my son. Hang in there...you will be OK!

I haven't read all of your responses but I was thinking that maybe you could make a chart for your daughter and keep it on the fridge. Color code the days and show her the orange days are the days I work and the green days are when I'm off and so on. Then each day show her what day your on. It might help with the routine. My 5 yo does much better when I explain what is going to happen each day or if a change is going to happen the next day, etc.
I noticed that you had people suggest your husband pick her up. TERRIBLE idea! Kids need uninterrupted sleep for proper brain development so DON'T wake her up. She will get used to the routine and hopefully you will be able to change your schedule soon.

First of all...you are not a bad mother for working and contributing to the household. I am just like you, working mother of a 4-year-old. Right now I am reading a book called "What Kids Need Most In A Mom". It's an older book that my mother gave me, and it has really helped me as I, too, have struggled with some of your same issues.

First, you need to stop feeling guilty. It is false guilt. If you are in a position where your family needs your income, then you are doing exactly what you must. In doing so, you are teaching your daughter to be more independent, and you are also teaching her the value of hard work. Those are some good qualities that will help carry her through life.

While you may not consider spending the night at a relative's home the ideal situation at the moment, look at the bright side. You are giving your daughter a rare and great opportunity to build a relationship with someone dear to you. I think more emphasis needs to be put on relationships with our grandparents and great-grandparents. My son loves his grandparents, and I treasure that relationship he has with them. You need to feel confident that your daughter is with someone who loves and cherishs her like only family can. If it still doesn't feel right, keep looking for job opportunities that will better suit your/your family's needs.

If your husband's schedule allows him to pick up your daughter, then be thankful for that and let him do it. It will give them an opportunity to build a good relationship, too, and take some of the pressure off of you. Perhaps afternoons after school and breakfast can be those routine times that your daughter can look forward to spending with you/family.

You can't be superwoman...even though the magazines, TV shows etc. paint a picture like that. You will drive yourself crazy trying to live up to some insane standard that is way off. Just do your best to keep things in balance...or at least organized cahos (LOL). Try not to compare yourself to others. Believe in your ability to make decisions that are best for your family. Quality time matters more than quantity. After all, we only remember the "moments". Cherish those special moments, give lots of hugs and remember to laugh with your daughter. Everything will be fine. You are a good Mom. Relax, breathe and believe in yourself. Be blessed!

R.

T. dear,

How good is the money you make compared to your daughter's well being, your bonding with her? Why did you decide to have her if you will not be there for her? Please I beg you to cut down on your expenses, quit the job and be there for her. Paint together, make cookies,take walks and see the smile on her face. Money cannot buy that.
Here her make up stories. Don't you miss that? Money can not buy that.

Good luck.
A.

My advice is to not interupt her sleep. This could make her days more difficult if she is sleep deprived. Sleep with children should be as as uninterupted as possible. You shouldn't change your schedule to accomadate her feelings. I know... that may sound harsh but it will give her the idea if she cries, you'll give in. As long as your Grandmother is providing a safe and loving environment send your daughter a message that she is very fortunate to have Grandma to help so we can provide all the wonderful things we are blessed with. Try not to let her know that this is upsetting you, it will only make it tougher for her to handle her emotions. Be strong and put a positive spin on the situation and everything will work out fine.

Hi My sister works nights as a nurse at a hospitaland has school aged kids. She has either 7 or 12 hours shifts. This is what she does. When she truely has to work overnight (say 3 to 3) they spend the night at my moms. if she gets off by midnight (3 to 11) she picks them up, some times my mom will go to their house and put them to bed at their house - no interruptions. Her youndest is 5 and never wakes up when she goes to get her at midnight, she just goes in scoops her up and put her in the car. I think it is making the best of a crazy schedule. And she doesn't have to pay a nanny to stay at their hosue and put them to bed. That seems like the other option.
A.
Does that help?