Advice on Toddler Betime

Hi M.,
My husband deployed to Iraq when my daughter was 2weeks old. My son was six at the time. I decided early on that I was in charge and they were going to be in a routine or I would never have any down time at night. You are right that a toddler needs to be in bed by 8:30pm. After they get used to it, they don't cry and they actually like the routine. They know what to expect. My daughter is three now and still on that rountine. I give her advance ntice that it is almost time to go to bed. Everyone comments on how well she goes to bed. It's because I established a bedtime routine and time early now. I hope this helps. Good luck with the degree. I also went back to school when my son was a toddler.

I have a daughter thats 16 months old, my husband and i dont agree sometimes either. The best advise i could give you is let her cry for a few minutes it will tire her out, each nite let her cry a little bit longer until she learns how to put herself to sleep. Good luck!

You have to set a schedule and stick to it. If 9:00 works, then at 9:00 she goes to bed and cries. It is extremely difficult but not allowing her to fall asleep by herself will only increase her inability to get herself to sleep on her own. Believe me when they get older it gets much worse. I used to lay down with my daughter for a while and when I got up she knew that that was it. Some music in the room might help her.

GOOD LUCK.

My hubby would do the same thing if I let him but I travel some with my job and when I am away he let's our 18 month old get away with staying up and sleeping with him. I have to "re-train" her all over again when I get home --very frustrating!! But I think he is starting to get it because I a make him deal with putting her down and getting up with her in the middle of the night when she wants to get in our bed!
Good luck--
Mom of 18 month old Sophie (I am 37)

M.,
I sympathize with you. You are dealing all day and you're ready to wind it down as early as possible! Then your husband comes home and revs (sp?) your daughter up again. Maybe his playtime can be bath (if that's in your routine before bed)? As for having her wait till 7 to eat, my daughter at 15 mo would've been starved by then (not to mention pushing back bed time). Perhaps he can leave a little earlier for work and come home a little earlier? Just a thought.
I have 2 girls, one 3 and one 10 mo. Hang in there!
S.

Rember that you and your husband need to find a common ground for this problem. There are things for you to do before he gets home to help the problem. You can do bath time early for one thing. If the child eats supper in PJ's who cares? Your husband can have lots of June and Ward(!) time during the weekend. He may have to give up some of "his" time on the weekends but one thing to remember is that your time with your child goes fast and then there will be lots of years for golf games and free time. I am a grandmother and believe me those years go very fast. Bedtime needs to be the same all the time and the child will try everything to get 5 more minutes. Just remember to keep a happy home.

Hi M.,

I have a two year old and I also stay at home. My husband does get home before 7:00, but our son has gone to bed between 8:00 and 9:00 since he was about a year old. There are some nights he does not necessarily want to go to bed, but we just let him cry. I know I can tell when he is crying because he is just mad about being put to bed but on the way to falling asleep and just crying because he is mad. I am sure you are the same way. Sometimes you need to just let them cry even though it kills you inside they need to learn. It's not like you are forsaking them, you're just trying to teach them a lesson. I am behind you 100%! Plus, you need a bit of a break before you go to bed as well. Hope this helps. I think we all go through it at some point.

i'm sure you've had many responses to this and maybe your problem is already solved? i am giving my advice a bit late, (sorry) but in my opinion and in my experience an early bedtime for a toddler is KEY. my 14 mo old actually goes to bed at 7-7:30 (dad gets home after 6pm) and sleeps 11-12 hrs. if he doesn't, we are punished for it the next day. our routine is dinner for kids at 5:30pm, play time with dad until bedtime. we eat after kids are in bed. it stinks a bit, making our nite a little longer, but the needed sleep for the kids really is a plus. you can also tell your husband (if he's being stubborn about this) that there are many studies out now showing a direct link between ADHD and kids that experienced lesser amounts of sleep. the cool thing is that the older they get, the later they CAN stay up. hope this helps... (the books i use are healthy sleep, happy baby and babywise, in case you need literature to read).

Hi M.,

I have two 16 month olds. We've gone back and forth with bedtimes, usually the babies deem when change is approriate! We used to get to bed betwwen 8 and 8:30, but that has since changed to 7:15 to 7:45! In the middle of the summer! What changed is that they only get one nap at daycare now. I've read, and it certainly appears to be true in our case, that toddlers really need at least 12 hours of bedtime sleep with another two hours of nap time during the day. And to be honest with you, I won't think twice about putting them down as soon as the whining starts. Normally (notice the word there!) they just go right down with no crying, and sometimes I can hear them in there talking to each other. If they do throw a fit at the designiated bed time, I'll give them 15 minutes to cry it out. If that fails, I'll go in and rub their backs while they're still in bed. Hope this is helpful! Take good care!

N.

Dear M.,
My suggestion is that you try it your husband's way. It would be healthier for your daughter to stay up a few extra minutes than to see you and your husband at odds over this issue. Consider yourself fortunate to have a husband who is more than willing and eager to spend time with your child instead of turning into a couch potato!

My situation was similar and unfortunately I don't really have much advice but I can let you know you are not alone. Be glad your husband wants to be involved with the child when he gets home. Maybe you can try to encourage him to be involved with her bedtime routine like bath time, reading stories, rocking whatever works for you both. He is probably having a hard time listening to her cry b/c he doesn't feel like he gets enough time with her,having to work and such. Dads want to see their baby girls happy.
The more involved my husband was with getting our daughter to bed the more willing he bacame to hear her cry a little.
Just be open and honest with your husband and tell him you understand that he wants as much time with her as possible but that it is also important for you to have some evening time without her for yourself and even for just the two of you.
Good Luck!

M. I feel your pain. We took the Growing Kids Classes before we adopted our children (who are now 5 and I am 45). This helped so much. I understand that he wants to see your little one, but it is even more important to set that sleep pattern or you will truly regret it. When my children were 18mo they were in bed between 7-7:30. Now it is closer to 8:30 (especially in the summer). The routine worked well and they didn't get back up until 7:30-8am. That was with a 2 hour nap during the day. Does he choose to come home at 7 or does he has an option? Or maybe his June Cleaver meal will have to change. You can't have it all. You need a break!

one quick and easy solution to this would be turn over bedtime issues to your husband completely. just step back after the june cleaver mealtime. maybe suggest you clean up after supper while daddy has one on one time w/daughter. this will either help him see your point of view or give you a much needed break to work on finishing your classes. he could do week nights and you could do weekend nights maybe. sometimes people have to walk in each other's shoes to see the other side. this just a suggestion---do what you feel is right. take care and good luck on this wonderful (most of the time) journey on raising your beautiful daughter!

Hi there, full time Mom of 3 (7, 5, almost 3). All three had different schedules. My husband works "retail hours" and frequently my children want to stay up until Daddy gets home. If your husband gets home at 7, great! Have the Cleaver dinner and let Daddy tire-out the little one and have story time and bath time. Use that as your time to take a quick "MOM time" bath goodness knows we need our own bathroom time too! Take of yourself too! Even if little one goes down by 10, don't worry. My oldest never went to bed til 10 and he always wakes himself up by 7am. The rare occasion he would sleep in til 8. Since you are at home, let her stay up a bit later and sleep in and then use some morning time to get some of the laundry or reading done. Take care!

Hi M.,

I agree with you. I think having a set bedtime and schedule in place is very good for you the parent and also your daughter. I am a stay at home mom with a 2 AND 1 year old. They are 1 year and 3 weeks apart... so having my evenings to relax is a good thing. Not to mention that YOU are home with your daughter everyday and I can understand him wanting to spend some time to sit at the table with his family but it's also important to establish a bedtime and by the time he gets home is a little late to have dinner for your child. At least until she gets a little older, but right now, I think it's important to have your child in bed.

Lots of times my time outs are after the kids go to bed. I go to Walmart, Target, Kohl's, grocery shopping, places that are open that late and I can take a break to get out by myself and do what I have to do. (FYI - I HATE when going to these places after 8:00 the number of parents that have small children out this late.. drives me crazy! Just me, I guess..) My husband understands and has no problem with this. Two nights a week he doesn't come home until close to or at least 8:00 at night. Just in time for nightly baths, maybe, & to put both to bed. Besides kids this age need at least 11-12 hours of sleep, which makes 8:30ish an ideal time. You KNOW when your child is tired. My son 2, goes to sleep closer to 9, longer days right now, but it works and my daughter, 1 or 15 months is in bed by 8:30, if not sooner.

If he's worried about quality time with his daughter, maybe meeting him more for lunch time, if possible during the day or something might help.

Anywho, this is kind of a pet peeve with me, so I had to respond! :-)

K.

You have to work together on this or she will figure out that she can get away with staying up with dad. kids are SMART! I have two children and my first one we spoiled. He was 10 months old and still wanted rocked to sleep. A friend of mine physically made me lay him in bed at the same time every night and let him cry. it took a little over a week and he would go to bed with no problem. It was hard to hear him cry like that, but you have to start now or you will have problems for years! It really is easier in the long run.
S.

I'm not sure about advice, but I will tell you that my 14 month old is asleep by 7:30 at the latest every night. This doesn't give my husband too much time with him, but I just can't see keeping my kid up and depriving him of sleep so that my husband can see him. This way, he sees him a short time after work, some time before work, and on the weekends. I read a great book called Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth and he recommends a pretty early bedtime. Also, I feel you on the spitting nails by 8:30 thing - sometimes I think I'm not going to make it til 7:00! Good luck.

J.

M.,

I know it is tough with little ones that age. My son is three and my daughter is 11 months. We don't really have a set bedtime, but we do have a routine. We brush teeth, potty (change diaper), pick out a few stories, and lay down together to read. As soon as the stories are finsihed, I turn the light out, and we say our prayers. Both of my children are usually yawning before prayers are finished, and go right to sleep. I don't know about your particular sleeping arrangements. My children co-sleep so sometimes I go to bed earlier than I want, but I watch TV or read after they are asleep. Also, my daughter is still nursing to sleep so that makes it much easier. In the past, when my husband was here he would come home late and get our son very riled up. It's understandable that little ones want to spend that "daddy time" and be in the middle of the action. Here are a couple of suggestions.
1. Go to bed with her, and maybe you can get back up after she is asleep.
2. Let her stay up later to spend time with you both, she may fall asleep as you are holding her. Walking a little one around in a sling is a great way to help them wind down.
3. As much as daddy loves playtime, try to keep it a little calmer. Maybe he can read to her as part of the nighttime routine.
4. Be patient. Most children this age are teething, and of course being alone at night is scary. Please hold her and let her know you are there.

I belong to a message board called Gentle Christian Mothers that has a forum for absolutely EVERY topic. Those wise ladies have given me tons of great advice, especially about avoiding crying-it-out. www.gentlechristianmothers.com

B.

Hi M., at this point I wouldn't concentrate so much on the time schedule as I would the "routine" in general. Every day is different you know... We have dinner when my hubby gets home then playtime then bathtime then story time with a little bit of cuddling with mom and dad on the couch and by that time he is out, girl. You just need to try to get her fed, wound up, wound down, and then relaxed enough to be able to sleep. Ha Ha! But in all serious, imagine yourself getting some great news or running two miles and then going home and going straight to bed, does that make sense?
Anyways, I hope this helps! Good Luck!

M.,

Absolutely set a bedtime. Mainly, I feel you need to conquer a bigger problem first: being on the same playing field as your husband in regard to parenting. Otherwise, your child will play you two off of one another until you do. Especially beginning at this age.

Since you are a stay-at-home mom (and thus with her ALL day), my feeling is that you should have more sway when it comes to child rearing policy making. Absolutely refuse to give up the cleaver dinner - but make it a time that is good for the majority of the family. If your husband chooses not to attend (ie, by staying at work til 7), then that's his choice. he can reheat his dinner from the frig when he gets home. If he chooses not to come home til 7 then he has made the choice to spend that time at work instead of with his family - ie, you and his daughter. Literally his loss.

It is NOT in the best interest of your marriage or your daughter for her to not have a schedule. Schedules provide security in that the child knows what to expect, as do routines. And a bedtime routine will provide you with much needed "mommy time" - alone, adult time. And if your husband's home, it is definitely in the best interest of your marriage to spend time alone with him. If you don't put your marriage above your child, it won't survive. However, it does require respect and understanding from both parties.

Essentially, get her in a routine no matter what it takes, but keep it seperate from marital issues (eg, what sounds like your spouse's inability to consider your feelings and concerns as valid). You don't have a chance if you two aren't together on parenting issues.

M., My 7 year old is in bed by then. If that's any help.

He has a schedule w/ school, which is of course different then a 15 month old's day, but in the same respect, I have a 7 month old who's in bed by 730 nightly and sleeps until I wake him often! Here's an easy way out of this for you - schedule a ck up w/ your ped. let them know that you're coming in for a consult on her sleeping patterns, and that they concern you - and HAVE YOUR HUBBY GO! If HE hears it from the Doctor that your daughter needs a healthy bedtime routine (8pm would be average I'm sure) and at LEAST 10 hours of sleep at night, then you're not the 'bad guy' in the discussion! You can always say 'well, i guess we should try what the doctor says is healthy!'.... GOOD LUCK!

I am going to be in the monority here, but I think you should do what ever is best for YOUR child. If your husband wants more time with her, let him take over the bedtime routine. Have him read a story, give a bath, and lay down with her until she's asleep. That will give her the time she needs with him, give you a few mins to yourself in the evenings, and what he wants too.

Also, there is a difference between a schedule and a routine. You can have a bedtime routine and not have a strict bed time. Also CIO is not the best route in my opinion. You can establish a healthy sleep pattern without letting her cry. I have 3 children ages 5, 3, and 15 months. All of them sleep with us. I have very well adjusted girls who are very sensitve to others need and feelings. Co-sleeping is a wonderful experience that strenghthens the bond between parents and their children. Your child will not be in your bed forever if you co-sleep. My 3 and 5 yr old only come in every once in a while. One day they told me they wanted to sleep in their own bed and they did. Simple as that, because they knew if they needed me I was right there and wouldn't turn them away if they needed to be comforted. I second the gentle christian mothers site. As well as Dr. Sears.
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070100.asp

I hope that helps and you get a solution that works for your family soon.

Put her to bed after playtime, whether or not she cries. My husband and I have twin boy 19-month olds. We adopted them when they were 7 months old. Within two weeks of adopting them, we began putting them to bed at 8pm. For the first few days they cried horribly, and it was very tough to listen to. However, since then, they go to sleep. Occassionally, they cry dramatically for about 15 minutes, but it's usually only about a 5 minute cry. After that...peace and a 12 hour night's sleep:) This has given us private time and the kids a specific schedule. Once in a while, of course, they stay up a little later, but only because of special circumstances. I am not saying that your daughter needs to go to bed at 8:30pm. I'm suggesting that whatever time the two of you choose, stick with it and allow her to go to sleep knowing that at first she may cry.

My husband works swing shift and sometimes he doesn't get to see our kids because of their nap schedules. Since my son was 10 months old we've made it a habit to be in bed between 9 and 10. I know it's a little late, but it works for all 3 of us, and he usually sleeps for 12 hours at night. We just lay him in his crib and let him be. He used to cry when we laid him down, but he's gotten used to it, and if he's not ready to go to bed he talks and plays with his animals. I know we have a great sleeper, he also takes a 3 hour nap during the day, and all children are different, but it works for us!!
Good Luck!

Had the same fight with my husband when our first was around that age. He did not like letting him cry and he also would come home and get him very wound up (making bedtime extremely difficult). You are ready for some of your own time by that time of the day if you are with her all day. Maybe you should just try letting your husband handle bedtime for a period of a couple weeks. Let him see what his ideas do. I bet he will see that you are right in wanting to establish a good routine for healthy habits. At that age, both mine ( a boy and girl with very different personalities) had a hard time falling asleep on their own. I made a routine of bath and stories and then would lay with them (helps if they are in a big bed) for a while. It can be scary if they have had a different routine like being rocked or sleeping with you. I started laying with them for shorter amounts of time until the fear stage was over. The seperation fears really peak at 18 months, so be prepared. Your daughter is not too young to sense that you and your husband have different ideas. They start manipulating that early on! Little girls particularly know how to work their daddy! Good luck! Maybe your husband needs the incentive of "mommy and daddy time (;" to encourage him to get her happily sleeping. I know that is a big driving force for mine!

Hi,
I am the mother of twin 20 month olds. I think everything is relevant to the routine of the toddler. For example if your toddler does not get up until 7:00 am, an 8:30 bedtime is fine as long as your daughter is not cranky and gets a good nap during the day. Time with your child is only productive if it is quality. Father's time with their children is so important, however I always take cues from my girls. If they are so tired that they are screaming and unhappy, then rest is more important. The typical 15 month old needs between 12 and 14 hours of sleep a day to function well. Perhaps your husband could join in the bedtime routine by putting your daughter down to bed occasionally while you are getting together a meal for the two of you.

I have a 1 year-old who has been sleeping through the night since she was 8 weeks old. I don't this is due to good luck, but consistency by both my husband and myself. Children this age cry, they have no other way to communicate. My daughter still to this day will cry and fuss a bit when put to bed. Our pediatrician told us to use the 10 minute rule. Let her cry and if she keeps crying after 10 minutes, go try to soothe her or check for another problem. We find that our daughter will typically stop crying and fall asleep after a few minutes. If you continue to keep picking her up she will never learn to soothe herself. I also find that the constant picking up can be disruptive to a child that is tired. Just close the door and turn on a monitor. Also, don't pick the baby up if she is crying, try to keep her in her bed and/or room. You and hubusband are going to have to get on the same page!

I am reading a book by William Sears, MD called Nighttime Parenting How to get your baby and child to sleep. It is awsome! I have a 3mos. old. My husband usually doesnt get home until 7pm either. He is all about co-sleeping (which we have done with all 3 kids!) He explains how to "parent" a child to sleep. I just got through reading the chapter on letting the child cry it out, and he is SOO against it. He says by not responding to the toddler, your not really teaching her to sleep, but teaching her that she has no communicative value, also the dissapointment of not being listened to. She will fall asleep but as a sign of withdrawal. She also needs "daddy time!"! I dont know if I helped at all, or even answered your question! But, good luck!!!!

I have two boys ages 6 and 7. Their whole life they have been on a very strict sleep schedule and it works out better for everyone in the end. Till this day they are in bed no later than 8:30pm. My husband fussed for a L. time cause he didn't get home until later but eventually he got over it cause I finally had enough of him talking about how he gets home late and he doesn't get alot of time after work with the boys. So I told him there was always the option of him being a stay at home dad instead of me being the stay at home mom. Good luck girl at least he is showing an interest in wanting to be apart of the childs life that says alot.

It's always hard to hear your little one cry. It's especially hard when you are not the one who has to hear it all day long. He's probably having a hard time listening to her cry and is feeling like he's neglecting her because he doesn't spend the time he wants with her. My suggestion is that you show him some books that have advice that supports your stance. Maybe then set aside some special 'daddy-only' time when he has time available when he can spend some special time with her to alieviate his guilt.

Hi M.,

I have a 2 year old daughter and her bedtime has been 8:00 since she was a year old...before that it was 7:00. I like that "Ward and June" thing as your husband does along with playtime before she goes to bed also, and we do that...BUT it's always shorter than I'd like it to be because her development and sleep are more important at this time in her life and you don't have to spend hours at a time to play for them to have quality time with you.

My husband and I both work from 7:30-5:00 mon-fri and once we get her picked up from the sitter and get home, it's 6:00. That gives us 2 hours to cook dinner, eat, play, bathtime...which is not a lot of time for so much to do. Here's what we do to make sure we both get good fun time with our daughter and still get to have the sit down dinner, bath and together time for all 3 of us.

When we get home one of us cooks dinner while the other has one on one time with our daughter. When dinner's ready, we all sit down to eat, then the one that didn't cook does clean up while the other gives her bath and puts on pajamas, once all that is done we generally have 45 minutes to an hour left that we both can play with her before she goes down for the night. The next night we alternate "jobs". And on weekends we get all day with her and let her sleep in those mornings and we skip her daytime nap. It's worked for us!

Our daughter goes to bed religiously at 8:00 every night and she actually very rarely even whines when it's time to go to bed...so it's actually not hard on us to put her down because of this. Now there are times when she's having more fun and wants to stay up and she'll cry and ask so sweetly for mommy or daddy, but we just ignore her and it generally only lasts like 2 minutes. We did however go through a rough patch where she was fine until we put her in the bed, then she was screaming at the top of her lungs, crying, etc and those times would last an hour...however, her pediatrician told me to be sure that we didn't go back into the room unless we thought she had really hurt herself or it would only get worse.

It was very hard to listen to that and not want to go peek in her room, but we knew she was fine and just wanted her way. So we stuck it out...first night was about an hour, next night was a few minutes less, next night was down to about 30 minutes, next a few minutes less, so on and so forth until after about a week it was down to 5 minutes or nothing! While it's hard, it's really needed for the child's development and health as well as your sanity and personal time for you and your husband. And if the two of you are happy as a couple, it just makes for a happier child for you both! That child will feel safe and comfortable and that there is love not only for her but for each other. :)

Little website that I love to visit that has helped me through the first 2 years of my daughter's life (our first child) is www.babycenter.com and it's loaded with info on everything from being sick, to discipline ideas, to sleep concerns, message boards so you can also get advice from other parents, etc. This is a good place to go for this particular question as well... I go there periodically to see what her requirement is for the amount of sleep per night she needs at each age. These first years are the most important in their development, so it's more important than we think. There are even special areas just for dads, relationship info for the parents.

Anyway, just wanted to give you some input on how it's worked for me. I know it doesn't always work for everyone, but my husband and I are very hands on with wanting to spend every moment we can with her...but we want to make sure she gets what she needs otherwise as well. Hope this helps!

Hi!
I'm 50 and a mom of three, all grown. Yes, you are on the right tract!!! Children do need to establish a healthy bedtime. Not only for them but for you and your husband. Feed the baby before he gets home she can have fruit or something and still sit at the family table. Then at 8:15 bathe her let dad do some bonding by reading a few minutes and put her to bed. Be firm. It won't take but a few nights to establish a routine. He'll thank you for it later.

I have a 15 month old son and since about 2 1/2 months old he's been on a routine. It is rare this routine is broken when it comes to naps and bedtime.

About a month ago he stopped taking two naps a day. One in the morning within two to two and half hours after waking (making sure he has a snack or bottle on his tummy), then he would usually lay down again between 3-4pm. Normally this would put his bedtime some where between 7-9pm. Keeping him on a routine helps me and him both. Since he has pretty much stopped his afternoon naps he is usually ready around 7-3:30 every evening. There have been several occasions that laying him down in the morning, being his mom I can tell he was just not going to sleep and it wasn't because he was crying. I would get him up and then he would be ready around 2:00 - this would make his bedtime around 6:00 which normally my husband would miss seeing him at night. My husband simply makes up for the time he loses with Joshua by getting up and playing with him first thing in the morning. My son gets up 6:30-7:30am so my husband adjusts his time instead of Joshua having to adjust.

Babies, toddlers, etc. all need routine and structure. It makes for happier kids so instead of baby adjusting parents should adjust at least for the time until they stop their naps or get a little older. Hope this helps.

P.S. My husband also understands that I am with our son all day everyday making me more aware of his needs and routines. As with any job outside or in the home, if there is a time frame to be met no one knows better the right thing to do than the person responsible for making the decisions. You are doing the right thing!

I agree with you, establish a routine and stick with it. I give my two year old a bath and then read him a story and because he knows the routine there are no tears at bedtime. She may cry at first but once she understands that she's not going to get back out of bed, she'll get used to it. As for hubby, I don't know what to tell you. My husband sometimes does the same sort of thing. Then once he sees that what we're doing isn't working he'll get on board with my ideas. Discipline is our issue :(
Good luck,
A.

My daughter just turned 23 months. Depending on the time of the year she has always gone to bed at either 7:30 or 8:30. When we first started training her to go to sleep on her own, it was hard, but she did ok. The worst part for me was when she would wake up in the middle of the night and I had to let her cry it out, because she would go back to sleep faster doing that than if I went to her.
As for your husband and you not agreeing on the bedtime routine...I know the feeling. My husband gets home around five then does school work and then sits there and watches tv or plays video games. He will watch our daughter if I ask him too, but he hardly ever helps out with bathtime or bedtime. It's very frustrating. If your husband wants to spend more time with your daughter what you may do, is say ok, I'll stay up until playtime. THEN it will be his responsibility to do bathtime and bedtime. Meaning that when she goes to bed, he has to be the one to deal with her if she fusses and he doesn't want to listen to it. I'm almost willing to bet that after a few weeks of her fussing and staying up he'll be asking you what to do to get her to go to sleep. That's when you just tell him that he has to put her to bed and then let her learn to put herself to sleep, or when she gets a few years older, she's not going to want to go to sleep by herself at all!
Just an idea, I hope this helps!

I am by no means an expert on this subject, but I can tell, from experience, that letting your child "cry it out" for a few minutes will do nothing but help you in the long run. We did this with both my sons and now, at age 2 and 4, for the most part, they are wonderful sleepers. I won't lie...it can be horrible to sit and listen to your child cry, for anything more than a minute or two, but it truly helps them learn to soothe themselves to sleep. After a few hard nights of letting them cry, they eventually learn that it's time for sleep. Luckily, my hubby and I saw eye to eye on this. He too, gets home late from work and gets very little time with the kids, but we both agreed that establishing a good bed time and routine was good in the long run.
Good luck!

Maybe if she it taking naps, cut them down or out. That helped us because our son started to wake up ready to go at like 3am!
Also maybe just wake her up earlier.
Another thing you can totally where her out so that by the time bedtime comes along she is exhausted.

I would also think that getting her all hyped up doing playtime right next to bedtime isnt a good idea. Maybe have playtime from 7-7:30pm then eat dinner, do bath and make him read her a book and whatever else is CALM instead of playing.

Hi M.. I know for a fact that its hard to get a child up in the morning when they stay up too late. A stay at home mother has to have some time to herself to unwind,relax, and in your case study.You're husband needs to try to understand that.....

Hi M.,

I am a stay at home mom, too (was a reading specialist before kids). Being a teacher, I must say I am in favor of a routine. Children need to have that structure to know what comes next and they actually look forward to knowing what comes next. A structured bedtime, I feel, is crutial. Of course, we have left my two year old stay up later once and a while (flexibility is okay), but we really try to stick to it. I can see your husband's point of view where he just gets home and then doesn't have much time with her before she goes to bed. Is there any way you can have the meal for him ready that he can eat quickly and have more play time? It may not involve the whole family sitting together at this point, but I would assume you have to feed your daughter well before 7 pm. Maybe you could have her bath finished and have her in her pj's by 7:00 pm and then when daddy gets home, he could eat quick, then have the rest of the time for "play." But play could even mean he is solely responsible for bathtime (which can be a lot of fun) and even the bedtime routine of reading to her, singing, etc. If my husband is going to be very late, I often will have my son totally ready for bed so we don't have to fuss with bathtime and he can play cars, trucks, etc. with him. I hope you two can come to a compromise. But you both have to be in agreement or your little one will divide and conquer! They always know who to go to when trying to get their own way! :) Best of luck to you.
L.

I am a 43 year old SAHM and I think you are right on with the bedtime. My kids go to bed at 8 p.m. There is usually not much fuss but that wasn't always the case. Stand your ground and let the baby cry a bit. She has to learn that bedtime means bedtime! You need that down time in the evening to collect yourself and prepare for another day and to just plain relax. Maybe you can get the baby fed at an earlier hour, have daddy help with bath and bedtime and then the two of you can enjoy a quiet meal ALONE!!!! That sounds great to me!

setting a bedtime is hard at that age I know, what worked for me was putting my son in bed rassuring him that I would be back in a few minutes to check on him and keeping my word each and every time. Also, he had a special stuffed animal that we played along that his puppy was tired so we kept telling the puppy night night and giving him hugs and kisses and then are son would cuddle the puppy and close his eyes. Some nights were harder than others, he did fuss a few times and my husband and I took turns going to him and telling him what a big boy he was to sleep all by himself and that he needed his rest to be big and strong and that puppy would be scared without him. We struggled with him maybe a week before he decided bedtime wasn't so bad. Now he is nearly 2 and 1/2 and when we say it is time for bed he comes to us and gives us kisses and hugs and walks upstairs to bed and we check on him within five minutes and he is cuddled with puppy in his bed.

Hi M.. I have a daughter the same age. She goes to bed at 8:00. My husband and I both work, she's in daycare all day and we usually all get home around 6. So that does give us time to do dinner, sometimes some playing, and in the bath by 7:30. Maybe you could do dinner when your hubby arrives, then he could give your daughter the bath and put her to bed?

my daughter did the same thing she is 19 months now, u have to just put them in there and let them cry themselves to sleep. it will take about a week of that and then they will get the picture, my daughter still cries to an extent, u have to tell him if he doesnt let u just do it she will run ur house in a year or so cause shes getting her way.lay her down turn the monitor on low and close the door.now my daughter 99% of the time goes to sleep the second i lay her down and shes in bed at 8pm. hope this helps...

Your right.
The toddler should go down between 6-8pm depending on the nap scheduele it may be different each day. 8 pm is the max. This will prevent overtiredness at night and night waking if it exist.
Bed time rountine should take around 30min to 45 min . Keep this in consideration too when putting the baby down.
Daddy must realize that sleep comes first and everyone will be happy in the end and not at the expense of the sleep schedule.
I tell all my patients this as sleep is one of my speciality areas.
Regards,
D. L.

Mother of 7 yr son and 5 yr daughter. We have always stuck to 8:00 bedtime; my daughter if really cranky can be 7:30. During pre-school years, their day begins at 9:00 for us that meant getting up at 7:30 giving them time to wake up and be at school on time. Now that both are in school, they have to be at school by 8:00 so we are up even earlier. Getting on a schedule makes life easier and healthier all the way around.

By putting to bed by 8:30 it gives you and your hub adult time- very important !! and time for you to de-compress. Hubby can take daughter on the weekends to spend as much time as he needs bonding - you on the other hand you use that time to something for yourself.

On the crying before bed issue - absolutely healthy. My 5 yr old still does, when she is really tired. If it is an every night thing, I would have a longer bedtime ritual, like 30 min before bedtime, let her pick out a book go sit in her room and read stories - kind of gets her going in the right direction !!

Having a bedtime routine is essential to good sleeping patterns for the rest of your child's life. If your husband wants to spend more time with the baby because he gets home late then have him read her a bedtime story every night.
This works with both my boys (12 months and 3 yrs). Our boys share a room and we put them both to bed together, around 8:30. My husband and I take turns reading to the boys once they are in their Pj's and ready for bed. After the story we turn on the classical music station low, turn the lights off and kiss them goodnight. They each have their own flashlight and there are night lights in the room. We close the door and let them get themselves to sleep. The little one will cry for about 5 minutes then goes to sleep.
It's hard to let them cry but after about a week or so they stop and go to sleep with no problem. If the crying continues after 10 min. then go in, pat her butt or rub her back, don't pick her up. It's not easy but it's worth it in the long run.
I'm a stay at home mom also. By the end of the day I'm ready for a little me time. It is so nice to put the kids to bed early and sit down and relax. If your spending your evening trying to get the baby to sleep then it cuts into your time. I think it is very important to have that break to re-energize yourself for the next day.

I am only 22, but I have two kids of my own. One 2 1/2 years old. and one who is 10 months old. Both are very energetic so I know how hard it is to impose a bedtime. The most important thing is to pick a time and stick to it. Which it seams you all ready have. We found that it took 1-2 weeks to totally simulate the boys into their bedtime but it is well worth the hassle. If you are consistant with a routine before bedtime (dinner, playtime, bath, whatever) your baby should begin to except going to bed next. However, I think playtime may cause trouble if it is to close to bedtime as she is likely to need more time to calm down. Maybe try putting her on a scheduled routine. She may cry for a few nights, but like I said it doesn't take long for them to catch on that mom and dad aren't coming to the rescue. They are smarter than you think. If you start this process now it will be easier to assimilate her into a toddler bed later. Well hopefully I didn't ramble to much and this is helpful to you. A.

M.,
I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old. I did the same with both of them - began laying them down by themselves (after quiet story time) when they were about 6-7 months old. Yes - they cried, and it absolutely killed me - I cried too! But it only lasted about a week. Consistency is the key. Pick a time that works best for your family and stick with it. If you need to feed her earlier before your husband gets home, then do it. Then he will have a little time with her before she HAS to go to bed. You will always have times when she absolutely will not go to bed - or even has trouble sleeping (just like the rest of us!), but for the most part, the sooner you do this and stick with it, you're going to have a very easy time from then on out. My kids are great at bed time. They have a routine of getting into jammies, brushing their teeth, we all climb in one of their beds, read, and then it's lights out - night night time. My 5 year old is a real thinker, so sometimes she has trouble turning her mind off and getting to sleep. My 3 year old is out within 5 minutes!! And just to give you and your husband something to think about... I have some friends that have a 4 year old daughter - and to this day, she will not sleep in her own bed and always ends up in their bed - right in the middle!!! That alone should scare you into doing this now! I apologize if I'm being very blunt about this, but I'm a true believer that a husband and wife should have their time together and the kids need to be in their own bed, when you say so, not when they say so. Just do it - you'll be glad you did!

Hi M.,

Do you have to wake your daughter up in the morning or does she seem to be getting enough sleep? I think it depends on the schedule. My son is in bed by 6:30 every night because he is up shortly after 6:00 in the morning. I found that creating a stable routine of bath, bottle, book and bed worked wonders for us. He came off the bottle at about 8 months but we still do the bath, book, bed routine. Consistency and routine is the key in my book. So, not only do you need the routine but do it at a set time.

We definitely let him cry a bit to go to sleep. I think it's very healthy and teaches the baby to fall asleep on their own. I think it's much worse to establish the habit of putting the baby to bed asleep, you never get any peace that way and it certainly can't be good for the baby.

I had the same problem with my son. Try cutting the naps down to one hour or at the most two hours....Daycare started making him nap around 11:45 to 12:45 or 1:45...Then he gets up and eats and plays the rest of the day. If you have a TV in her room, turn the volume down low and set it on a timer...My son loves to lay in his bed and watch cartons or a movie and then fall asleep. She probably will cry or want you to sit with her, but that is okay...gradually let her sit by herself and cry if she needs too.

My child is 3 and he has always gone to bed at 9pm, no questions asked no fuss. At first when he was about 11 months old and I started the rule, he would lay and cry for about 20 minutes and that only lasted a few days. Once their bodies grow accustomed to knowing that a time you set is sleep time, it will be like clock work. Your husband has to be educated and know that crying does not hurt a child in any way and if it's too bothersome for him, just assure him that by doing this you are setting a boundary and it is more healthy that the alternative. Bed time doesn't have to be a fight, it can be pleasant! I hope this helps!

I am sure you will get LOTS of advice on this one. I have three children and my younger have much better sleep habits because they were forced to learn to self soothe to sleep because the FIRST child we gave way too much attention, Ironically my younger two are wonderful to put to bed because they learned because they had no choice while I spend time with the high maintence bed time of their older sister! If you sit with her I think you should sit in the room while facing the door for a few minutes and then leave without talking to her. It is hard but it really is best. I guess be glad your husband wants to spend time with her! That is sweet.

M., You don't say what time she naps and does she have dinner at 7:00 when dad gets home. Try changing her nap to earlier and shorter. She really needs to have her meal about five to six and maybe a very small cracker and jello snack to "EAT" with dad. Let dad play with her as soon as he gets home, but by 7:30 it should be time for her to start unwinding again. Try a short bath with both of you in to pj's a tuck in and a story by 8:30 from mom and dad, lights out and close door. At her age she is training you and dad with her whining, not the other way around. And dads are always saps with those little girls. I had my children raised and gone and had another at 40, so I can say been there still doing that she is almost nine and I'm still paying for that cute whine she had at 15 months. Her dad and I fought continuously about that and now he is gone and I have to try to UNLEARN her behavior. Tell dad it's okay to love her to death but he won't find it so much fun or cute when she is fifteen doing it. One thing for sure, stay away from the sweet or pop at night. Even 99% of juices have a ton of sugar.

I can tell you once you put your child down for the night let him/her cry it out.It may take a week of crying when your will stop crying.I know it's not easy to listen your child crys there self a sleep,but it works.Good Luck!

Hi M.,

It is great to have family meals and time together - without a doubt! I have to agree with you about the bed-time and allowing some tears in order to establish a ritual and sleep patterns. That is probably one of the best things we did with our kids (now ages 7 & 5). It gives them a sense of routine and we don't have arguments or melt-downs about bedtime.

T.

Our son is 18 months old and goes to bed between 7:30 and 8. There were many times that we had to let him cry for a bit. but now, he usually goes down right away. have you established a good bedtime routine? We always start with a bath, then turn on his mobile music and I rock him and then put him down. what time does she end up going to sleep? I would also suggest letting hubby be involved as much as possible so you can get a break for a bit. HTH!

I am a 49 year old grandmother and I think you should stick to your guns. The 8:30pm is not an unreasonable time at all mine went to bed at 8:00pm every night until they was in high school then I moved it to 9:00pm. All 3 of mine went to college and are now successful adults with great careers. My daughters have children and they now go to bed at 8:00pm. All 3 grandchildren are straight A students. I am a firm believer in plenty of rest help smarten the brain and refreshs the body. Along with plenty of water and veggie and fruit with each meal.

I see you have numerous responses from others to read, so I will keep mine short. An awesome book I highly recommend is:

"Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth, MD

This book is great at recognizing each child is unique and while not everything works for every child, offers Excellent advice with research proven explanations. Perhaps you and hubby can read the book together and come to a happy conclusion for your own family!

~H., mother of 14 month old son and #2 due in 3 weeks!

You are right. At 15 months, my son was in bed at 8. You need to get a schedule in place or life will not be fun in a few months. My son turns 2 today and he knows that when I say to give night kisses that it is time for bed. I don't have to carry him, he walks to his room by himself and waits by his crib for me to put him in. We do the same routine every night. That way he knows that bed time is coming. She may cry for 10 mins or longer at first, but don't pick her up. Let her know that it is ok and then leave again. Don't stay and chat or she will never get to sleep. We also have this aquariam like machine on the end of the bed. It plays sounds that sounds like the gurgle of you intestines and lights up with bubbles. My son loves it. Now when he wakes up in the night he will turn it on to put himself back to sleep. Do the same thing every night, whether it is a bath, or reading a book. Then say goodnight, and put her to bed. Let her cry now or it may be you later.

I completely understand what you're going through. Only, I was a single parent going to school for my Bachelor's in Business Mgmt and trying to get my toddler down for the evening. I didn't want to listen to my son cry either.

I met my now, husband, who doesn't have any kids and he helped me out tremendously. My son would stay up until 10 or 11 p.m. It was ridiculous. My husband would coach me over the phone (b/c we lived 500 miles apart). He told me that if my son got out of bed, to punish him. If he cried in bed, to just let him cry b/c he'll just cry himself to sleep. Well, it worked! We put him down at 8:30 now (he's 2 years, 9 months). He doesn't get out of bed and he doesn't cry at all. If you can just get through the crying for about 2 weeks, then she should get better. If your hubby doesn't like to listen to her cry, have him go somewhere where he can't hear her. Just remember that a LOT of kids do this. Good luck!

If I were you, I would lovingly pass this adorable daughter off to him just as soon as he hits the door for "Daddy time". I would then busy myself in the kitchen and let him deal with her totally alone and it would be his job to put her to bed, after all you've had her all day long. Yes, all the experts say that a child of this age should be able to put herself to sleep with a few little bedtime rituals; like a story, prayer, kiss good night. It will never hurt her to cry for a little while. She is just using her feminine wiles to cry for attention, or push your buttons. If he is in charge of all of this, it won't be long before he will want her in bed earlier, but do let him enjoy her and play with her for awhile first. Let them establish that father/daughter bond.
Thanks for asking.
M. J.

I have an 8 year old daughter and we had an issue with bedtimes also. Granted I was a Stay at Home Mom so bedtime wasn't strict but we did try to have her in bed by a certain time. Keeping a child up past when they are tired isn't fair to the child! We never let our daughter cry for a bit. We rocked her to sleep and she is such a healthy child with great self-esteem. But you must do what works best for you. Parenting is an individual choice and you know what works best for you and your child.

Hi M.,
Just to let you know, we never let our son cry it out and he is still in our bed. He will be 7 in September. So do it now while she is still young b/c it does get harder as they get older. You have to enforce rules and a bed time ritual. Why can't Dad bathe her and read her a bedtime story while you clean up the kitchen after dinner. He has an 1 1/2 with her then you can both tuck her in with a special stuffed animal or blanket.

The best solution would be to establish a routine. It can be, a bath, few favorite books, kisses, and goodnights. Do this everynight. Tell your daughter that you will be right in the other room and won't leave the house. If she's already in a toddler bed, make sure to quietly and quickly walk her back to her bed if she gets out.

As for the crying method, she might do it a few nights until she realizes what's going on; until she notices the pattern or sequence of events.

Good luck~!

My husband and I have 5 children(oldest is 12, youngest is 16 months, with twins in between and a 7 yr old). I stay at home, he works. We have always eaten together (work permitting), played then my husband gives the children a bath. The bath time gives him a little extra time with the kids. We have always had a bedtime routine of the same time with all our kids, they need it and are more well balanced when everything is set. Routine is everything, establishing it can be difficult at first but worth it in the end, your daughter will give in. I used to set the timer for 15minutes for my husband because he didn't like the crying with our first but the timer helped and eased him. Good luck and consistency will work! Be strong!

M.,

You are right, your toddler needs to cry a little in order to establish a good bedtime routine, as well as to learn how to fall back asleep when she wakes up during the night.

I have a 19 year old, as well as a 4 and 6 year old. My 19 year old established good sleep patterns at about 5 months old and had a very regular bed time. We were too easy on the 6 year old (my new husband didn't want to hear her cry either), which caused a lot of unecessary sleepless nights for all of us.

Years ago, Dateline NBC did an excellent show on how to get toddlers to go to sleep at night. I'd recommend that you try to find it at your local library and have your husband watch it with you.

Good luck!

C.

Hi M.,

You sound very frustrated. I can empathize.

Are you concerned because you want your daughter to have more structure-- a schedule? Or do you want more time for yourself and your husband?

My husband often works long hours, too. Getting the kids to bed early doesn't work for us because he doesn't get to see them. It was hard for the kids because they begin to miss him. They'll ask about him all day and cry. And for my husband, at the end of a long day, he wants to see the kids. It's a reward for working so hard to support our family.

So, I try to streamline dinner and the bedtime routine. He tries not to be too rowdy with them so they can settle down. He reads to them and prepares them for bed while I tidy up after dinner.

As for time with my husband, well, we just make an effort on the weekends when we're more energetic anyway.

Since I'm a stay-at-home mom, I don't mind us all going to bed a little later. We can sleep later because we don't have to be anywhere in the morning. I'd rather let the kids sleep in than miss seeing their dad at night.

Although some parents advocate crying it out, I’m wary about doing anything that causes me to numb my attention to the children’s needs. They are children, not miniature adults. When I cry, I want empathy from my husband. My children deserve the same sensitivity. So I figure it’s my job to make the household run smoothly and peacefully, and if the kids do something inconvenient, then I need to figure out a compassionate solution.

Best of luck,
T. A.

does she take naps? maybe make her nap a little earlier or eliminate a nap if there are more then 1. also, the daddy story time is a great idea. good luck, i know it's hard. i had 2 ...14 mos apart and both totally diff.