Age 16 , 17 and 18 Teen Who Has ALWAYS Been "Spirited" Since a Young Age

I think you need to be more specific.

In this day and age, in my experience, "spirited" is usually a label for a child with emotional or developemental issues as well as health issues. For the most part, in my line of baby/child nurse, I have seen children that are "spirited" usually have something going on......1 parent, 2 parents that are overworked, ADD, ADHD, autism spectrum, spoiled rotten, it is a multi-faceted, loaded question that you ask. Depends on the children, the situation at home...etc. The fact that we live in a very technical world, and all is within a screen's reach away does not help. I had a child in my care that dr's kept trying to medicate, said he was ADD, yet if you engaged him and played with him, tired him out, he showed no signs of ADD. Schools have taken away recess, and any outlet for a child to exhaust themselves. Wouldn't you be jumping out of your skin if you sat and had all your adventures on a screen versus actually doing them and physically exhausting yourself? Yes, some children are undiagnosed, some are over diagnosed and some are just regular old teens that need guidance. I personally handled my children directly, by being all up in their business and getting to know my children. Get a feel for who they are. I paid attention. Not to say that I am perfect, but you get a feeling about your kids, your gut tells you, you should listen.

I have three children that are now 17,19, and 21. All definitely "spirited,gifted, and/or sensitive". I have used techniques from Parent Effectiveness Training and Parenting Teens with Love and Logic (and when they were little 1-2-3 Magic).

My philosophy has been that they are on their own journey, I cannot control them, they learn by "making mistakes/failing", and I believe in their capacity to learn and solve problems for themselves.

I provide tons of information and tools about communication, feeling feelings, problem solving, boundaries, and conflict resolution.

I created a space for open, clear, and direct communication with them from the time they were little.

I never use phrases like "because I said so" or "that is just how it is" I give my children honest, clear explanations and examples and engage them in finding solutions for themselves.

We had clear, consistent consequences that were as closely related to what they did as possible. And, I used a philosophy of discipline (teaching) rather than punishment. I learned to deal with my own emotions and keep them out of the discipline as much as possible.

I was also fortunate to have lots of information on child development and understood deeply the stages a child goes through and why they think and behave the way they do. I did not see my children as little adults. I kept in mind that they do not think like adults and therefore cannot interact in the world as adults.

I learned that if I wanted respect from my children that I taught them about respect by respecting them.

I refrained as much as possible from preaching and lecturing.

I took a good long look in the mirror and have worked on my own childhood wounding that would have effected my parenting in a negative way. I took responsibility for the things I did that were "painful" for them and apologized.
I have also shown them what it looks like to take the negative things in our childhoods and to use them to heal and become stronger people.

At times it has been utterly terrifying for me to watch them stumble and fall and struggle with life. However, I now know that my ability to give them space is what allowed them to become the amazing young adults they are now.

IMHO, she is seeing more kids that age because parents are parenting much differently than in the past.

Parents now are more laid back; they don't demand respect; they allow children to hit, bite and otherwise physically assult them and the parents reaction is to take them to counseling and label them with ADD/ADHD, and then make it everyone else's responsibility to learn how to deal with that child rather than to teach the child how to deal with the world.

When I was a kid, the parent would have handled that by spanking. And the child would have learned right away that that sort of behavior is not tolerated. Done. Move on.

Parents did not try to explain their decisions to their children. The children were not entitled to explanations. They were told "because I said so" or "because this is just the way it is." And we survived! As we grew up, we began to see/understand for ourselves the "why" of things. We didn't feel "entitled" to an explanation.

Now kids believe they are entitled to everything and then some. Mom and dad are expected to support thei children until the child decides it's time to move on. When I was growing up, my mom made it crystal clear that we'd better pay attention in school because we had until the end of summer after we graduated to get out and start supporting ourselves. And we never questioned that we would be throw out when the time came. So, we did pay attention and did the best we could because we KNEW OUR lives depended on it.

I think parenting should go back to the 50's. We'd have a much better society.