Aggressive 3 1/2Yo in Preschool

Social skills are very hard for only children to learn. Maybe you can join some sort of mommie and me class or find some other moms to schedule play dates with and then get in there and interact with him and point out to him as it's happening what he should be doing, i.e., tell Johnnie you would like to play with him, don't just grab the toy. Like I said, social skills for only children are tough and you have to make a real effort to "socialize" them.

I have a couple of things for you to try. My son is 4.5 but also generally the aggressor. He's not doing it for the same reasons, he just really loves to rough house, even when other kids don't. When I catch him doing it, I obviously make him apologize first then I ask him how his friend feels. If he says he doesn't know I ask questions like does he look happy? No, does he look sad? etc. I explain that he caused his friend to hurt and be sad, and would he want his friends to make him sad? Anytime I catch him being inappropriate, I always point out how the other child feels. Then I always ask him if he likes feeling that way. You need to teach him empathy. The other thing we did which worked surprisingly well was role play some common trigger situations over and over again with his stuffed animals. So we would play with the stuffed animals acting out normal preschool behavior, and then when something doesn't go the right way, supply the other stuffed animal with the appropriate words for these situations. So if one stuffed animal snatches a toy from another, the other one would say, please give that back, I was playing with that first. If they would not give it back, then the stuffed animal would go get the teacher to help resolve the situation. We would do all different situations over and over until they sunk in. We would also ask questions about situations like what do you think would be the best thing to say if someone hits you at school? Should you hit him back? etc. Just giving kids the right "tools" to handle everyday preschool issues makes a big difference. Have hope too, my son has mellowed tremendously in the last year, and makes friends much more easily since he isn't as aggressive as he used to be. Since you say he is aggressive when he tries to initiate play with others, maybe teach him how to introduce himself to other kids and ask them if they want to play etc. I taught my son to do this on the playground when he doesn't know anyone and it made him much happier. Also, if he is in a new class, he may just be feeling insecure and not sure how to handle those emotions. Good luck. I know the role playing thing sounds really cheesy, but it is non threatening and my son really responded to it.

Hi M.,
You've got some good responses - model the behaviors you would like to see and role play for him how to approach other children. It sounds like he really wants their attention, so talk and show him how (I'm talking repeatedly during playtime everyday). Intervene the second he become aggressive and re-direct. You also mentioned he is energetic and bored. The best plan for energetic it to make sure you take him outside daily and get him to run around until he is beat tired. Maybe even an early walk before school or TO school. Play with him, walk with him, chase him, whatever it takes - then make sure he sleeps at least 11 hours. Another idea is to not allow any screen time (TV, games, etc) for a week and see if that calms. Substitute books, games and music (listening and playing!). Helped my wild one! Good luck, with patience and modeling it will come...remember believe he can do it and he will too.

Sounds to me like you need to work on his communication skills. I would really make a point to start listening and talking to him more so he learns that it's the way he will communicate with his peers. Take yourself down to his level, dont expect him to be on yours. Play with him in his room with toys, be animated and talk like kids in that age group. If he has a toy that you want to play with, say "Can I play with you?" Don't grab the toy. You are his teacher. You say he spends a lot of time in "time outs", but I think you could alleviate that if you paid more attention to him. Sounds like he wants to learn but that he's frustrated and then gets punished. Raising children takes a lot of time and patience. What you do now will determine a lot of his behavior in the future.

I have to second the response about the speech delay. My son had the same behavior but it was because he could not voice his wants/likes/dislikes. You said in your post that your son "doesn't know how to use his words". This could defintely be a speech issue. Most are quickly and easily resolved with a great speech therapist. There is a HUGE amount of frustration a child feels when he cannot communicate, and usually this manifests with aggressive behavior. Think about how we get frustrated and "just want to scream". Well a 3 1/2 year old will do it, just scream, or hit or whatever. I would recommend talking to your doctor or school about having your son assessed. If nothing is wrong, you can just check that off your list and move on. But it is usually a very easy fix and just a few words correctly taught can ease that frustarion quickly. I love the role playing ideas too, I wish I had done that with my son (now 7).

I have a couple of ideas.

1) If you think he has a lot of energy, then get him to use some of it up before school. Biking to school, running laps, plahying a tiring physical gam efor a while before school.

2) Get to school early so that he can be there and get into it before the other kids get there and create an overwhelming situation.

3) Shadow him at school for a while - days or weeks, and see what happens. Be an active coach. Look at it as a chance to give him really specific help. Telling him to 'be nice' is really vague. THe kids can't translate that into anything useful. Even saying 'keep your hands to yourself' is hard to remember right when the thing is happening. I read something that said that sometimes the brain pathways need to be rerouted by undoing habits, like yelling/hitting when the other kid does something we don't like. (My son's nursery school teacher talked to me about this.) So for example, stay at school with him, and talk him through things. You might say, "There are x and y over there playing. Does that look fun?" "How can you play with them?" Ask him questions (without bugging him) so that he's coming up with the answers.

The idea is that if you're there then you can point out other ways of reacting to situations. But don't chastise him because then he wont listen to you. It's a fine line.

4) Read a couple of books from the library - they'll have ideas and you'll feel like you're not alone!!!

5) Set up playtime with one or two kids in the class - let him pick them. He needs a friend - it's a new situation.

6) Don't expect him to act just like the other kids, or your perception of the other kids. Everyone is an individual. And he's very young. SOmetimes we expect little boys to act like middle aged women, and it's just not fair to them!!!

M.

I would talk to your pediatrician. My son had delays with his speech so when he got frustrated or wanted to express himself he would lash out. Now that his speech is better he has stopped. Also through your insurance there are parenting classes so you can get new strategies.

M.,
It sounds like he is a normal 3 1/2 year old trying to figure out how to play in a world of 4's. It is amazing how different a few months makes in the lives of the preschoolers. Is this a play based preschool with lots of opportunities for him to move around and find things he is interested in or is he expected to sit for long periods of times without free play? Maybe you and the teacher can set up small group areas where he will be playing next to a few other children. I think you are on the right track by giving him words to use and helping him to use them.
G

Is he getting enough sleep? My daughter is grumpy and mean if she doesn't get a minimum of 10 hours of sleep.

If time out chair isn't working, maybe some other kind of discipline. My daughter would go to her room, with my niece she had to actually stand in the corner for time out. My nephews don't do well or learn well when they are seperated or singled out. Try something new. That's what new parenting is about, figuring out what works for you and your boy!!

Hi M.,

I think that best thing to do would be to go to a good counselor. Aggressive behavior is usually a sign that the child's needs are not met somehow. In my school we just saw a wonderful video how play therapy helps kids and parents understand each other better(I can't remember the name of it, but if you're interested please email to me privately and i'll find out the name). Does your son get a lot of loving attention from you at home? Aggression maybe a result of anger and anger maybe a reaction to some of his needs not being met. It is hard to say what it is without knowing your family interaction, how much attention he gets, whether he feels a strong bond with you, etc. That's why in this play therapy kids (who were nonverbal) were just playing in the presence of their parents, and under the observing eye of a psychologist. As a result, parents started to see more what their child needs were. In San Francisco Bay area, I could recommend a therapist, but I'm not sure where you live.
Best regards,
E.

I am not a doctor but I have had friends with similar situations. You are doing a great job as a parent as you are trying to see how you can help your child.
A friend of mine had a daughter that acted the same way. People or children did not want to be around the child becuase everyone thought she was undisciplined, aggressive and just allowed to do what she wanted. Plus everyone thought my friend was to easy and not a very good parent becuase her daughter did hit and would yell and scream a lot.
THey had her diagnosed and they found out she had Delayed Speech condition. It was hard to hear that their daughter had a condition but enlightening to know that it would not be long lasting and there was a fantastic place that could help their daughter. Plus-with the right help their daughter would learn how to work with her delay and the parents finally had a solution. Their daughter attended the school " We Care" off of Ygnacio Valley road--across fromt he Pavillion. By just attending one year-- their daughter had a complete turn around plus the parents had solutions that also helped her condition. I also noticed the HUGE change in their daughter's behavior.
Their daughter now is in the 6th grade, attending a public school and is thriving.
Again the diagnosis was difficult as but the solutions were the best
Blessings to you and your family--keep up the great work.

Read responses and I agree so much with the role playing - i did this with my son too....I had the opposite problem, he was quiet, insecure and often the loner because he didn't know how to cross the awkward intro to inclusion stage. He is now 10.5 just fine and I still role play - When role playing........after you have "run the conversation" yourself between the two stuffed animals (or trains, or whatever his like is it could even be two planes at that age) ask to do it again with him being one of them. That way he will gain practice in verbalizing. Someone also mentioned maturity and how much difference a couple of months makes at that age - so true - six months makes a huge difference in any age bracket up until your 20. (I think) I also think that you should maybe ask the teachers to work with him a little more closely on the playground. Helping him to ask if he can play with those he wants to play with, and also being close and monitoring all the time. If they are to short handed to do it - ask if you can come help on the playground and still have them do it. Don't you do it if you help out. Reason: often kids respond better with others and this is school territory and the teachers are the ones that are there all the time, this needs to be in their court. In another year or two when your child goes on a playdate with someone else by himself over to another's house and that parent comes to you and says "He was fine - really well behaved" even though he was a holy terror at home that day (and it will happen) that is when you know that you are on the right track! smile.....

Hmmmmm this is a difficult age to be in school. The best thing is just to keep reminding him to be kind to the other children. tell him to take a deep breath and count to three when he gets mad. I would suggest the book. ''Mister Ego and the Bubble of Love'' by Amber Hinton. Also, children learn best through watching. Try to set a good example and limit his intake of violent things. (no TV or comics or ANYTHING violent) Children just take in what they see and try it out, mostly on a subconscious level.
I hope this helps!
J. K.

This behavior is a little unusual, and may indicate either that the school is not good, or that your child is unhappy being away from you so much. It sounds like angry behavior, not just spirited play behavior, as some other Mamasource moms have dealt with recently. I don't know how many hours he is in preschool so this question is a little hard to answer. This kind of behavior usually tells me the child is saying, "I want to be with mommy (or daddy)."

You might look into another school, co-op preschools are usually good because you get to be there and be involved and really see what's going on. Other than that I would really try to scale back on the amount of time he spends at school, unless you are unable to. I wouldn't punish him a lot, or make him spend a lot of time in Time Out - I think in this case it will have an adverse effect. More loving time spent with him maybe.