My daughter is such a sweet little soul. She is going to be 3 next month and thinks that all kids are friendly. Well tonight we were at a restaurant where a little girl was literally stalking my daughter. The girl was probably 6 and pushed my daughter off a fireplace ledge where my daughter was playing with balloons. My daughter got bruised up and the other child's parents did absolutely NOTHING. After my daughter shook it off, she wanted to go play again. I went and sat over with her so she could play unharmed, but this girl kept watching her like a cat stalking a mouse.
I know I won't always be able to be there when something like this happens. How do you teach your child to handle these situations? How do you teach them to stand up for themselves? Do I sign her up for Karate now (half kidding)?
Thank you all for your words! The little girl was one of 3 children... her and her two older brothers probably around the age of 7 and 9. All three stalking my daughter and my friend's son. The parents were within 10 feet and were paying no attention to their children and could care less. Just mean kids! I kept an eye on the kids and stared them down any time they would come near my daughter. I removed the object of their torture and allowed my daughter to play with it. I wasn't about to allow them to bully her into not having a good time.
I sat my daughter down and we talked about it after we got home. We discussed how you should tell people NO and find an adult. I was not mentioning the karate as a offensive attack mode, but a way for her to understand how to defend herself if I were not around and was not able to get away from someone. That little girl and her brothers had an evil look to them... It's scary!
If a six year old came near my 3 year old I would have raised my voice to her. I would have told her to leave my child alone. Especially if she pushed her. I know i would have had let her mother know what she did. I also put all my children in some kind of defense class while they were growing. It helped with mind set and confidence.
The fact that she shook it off and went on playing is a good sign. I agree that she should learn how to firmly and loudly say NO.
My daughter was 7 when she sarted self defense training in Tong Soo Do (Korean martial arts). You learn SO much more that self defense... She worked hard for about 6 yrs to achieve her black belt. She is proud of her her accomplishment.
She does not "advertise" that she trained. A lot of people do not know she has it unless they visit our home and see her belt and framed certificates.
One day in middle school, a LARGE girl started attacking my daughter because my daughter won the race in PE. The attacker was very upset because my daughter blocked every move. When I was called in to the campus police, I was scared because I know my daughter is capable of killing someone in self defense. Our school has the rules that even if you are attacked, you can't throw punches or you are ousted as well.
The police asked if she was trained. I was told they had never seen someone block moves the way she did that day. Needless to say, NO ONE has EVER messed with her again.
She is petite, athletic, cheer captian, orchestra, honors classes and does NOT look like a black belt. A lot of the martial arts is in the mind as well.
Good luck.
Did you say something to the older girls parents? I think one of the ways we teach our children to stand up for themselves is by modeling the behavior ourselves.
I do not allow my son to hit back, but at this point (4) he is really good at using a strong voice and saying "Hey, don't hit me! I don't like that!" He DOES take TaeKwonDo (he started just after he turned 3) and we love it, but the primary lesson is about not being afraid and they are taught specifically that they don't hit or kick other children and the instructor frequently has them roll play using a strong voice and saying NO!
Bullies function through fear, you can teach your daughter not to be a good repeat target by showing her how we speak up to other people when they aren't treating us well.
HTH
T.
You should have spoken up, to the Parent or to the child.
If it were me, I WOULD have. Definitely. I would have looked at that girl, with firm stealth eyes, and said "stop, you HURT my daughter... she is bruised... if you do not stop, I will call the manager... where is your Mommy???" And if the girl then ran and tattled to her Mom, then so be it... I would have dealt with her too, and saying that her girl hurt my child on purpose... and it has to stop... the girl is bullying my child. AND there are bruises to show for it.
You role play with her.
You give her the words or sentences to use, to actually say. ie: stop it, that's not nice, you hurt me, go away, I will tell the Teacher etc.,
Kids this age need to know the ACTUAL wording to say... they can't think it up on their own.
You TEACH her, to always stand-up for herself, and to use her voice... using a "stern" voice, a "firm" voice etc., and then do it to show her... how to use her voice. And her eyes to look at the person, firmly.
You TEACH her, what is right and wrong. What is "bullying." What it is to go someplace else (if possible) to avoid bad people/kids.
AND, that as a parent, that YOU actually show her how. When my daughter has had incidents (being bullied or picked on or hit) ... I have actually spoken up... and DIRECTLY talked to the Teacher or child or the Parent. I do NOT give excuses for that behavior... I SHOW my daughter, and have her by me, while I do this. It gives the child, a "lesson" in how to correct wrongness.... and it gives them confidence. It SHOWS them, that their Parent KNOWS HOW to handle it, too. And I explicitly SAY to my daughter... that this WAS a wrong behavior by the aggressor. My daughter knows. And my son too. I am NOT SHY, in doing this. Using all my skills of diplomacy and firmness in my speech... in dealing with these trouble-maker kids and Parents. My Daughter's Teachers have actually praised me... because they say not many Parents will speak up... meanwhile their kid is still being picked on etc. But I always do it with as much diplomacy as possible, gauging the situation.
For their respective ages, my kids WILL speak up... and even my 3.5 year old will actually even "correct" an adult if they are not nice. And I am proud of him. He KNOWS right from wrong, mean-ness v.s. nice/caring behavior. I have taught them these things from about 2 years old.
Kids, need to learn how to "handle themselves" by seeing it in their parents too. AND, you role-playing with them scenarios. And give them the words on HOW to say it... to speak up for themselves. It takes PRACTICE. It is not instinctual in all kids. Nor adults.
My daughter, takes Karate. SHE wanted to. She loves it. There are many benefits to it.
Both my kids know, how to defend themselves, verbally and physically... but not to use it as an aggressor.
You need to teach them that.
all the best,
Susan
I don't know what's wrong with kids these days.
Well, I do know....it's their parents.
My son and I were at a restaurant a few weeks ago and this little kid walked right up to me at our table and started giving me the evil eye and staring me up and down then walked off and turned around and gave me another filthy look.
I thought, "Dang!"
He did the same thing several times, but the last time, he got right in my face. I growled at him and he went running like I'd killed him.
You'd think his mom would have seen some of this, but no. She also didn't pay any attention when one of her other kids climbed into a high chair and got stuck and couldn't get down and was screaming his head off. She and her friend were oblivious to it all.
I told my son, "That little kid's got some balls. If he knew the day I've had, he wouldn't come within 50 feet of me."
I'm an ADULT and he was getting too close for comfort. I didn't say anything because it was obvious his mother could care less.
With a child your daughter's age, you just need to stick close when you see this happening and don't be afraid to tell the kid to get away from your daughter. You don't have to be quiet about it. "GET AWAY FROM HER!" If she wants to tattle, let her. Chances are, her parents would just think you are picking on their kid if you say anything to them, so to an extent, you have to take matters into your own hands.
You don't want your daughter freaking out everytime a kid gets close, but in this instance, there would be nothing wrong with her saying, "Get away from me!"
If people stare, so what? I doubt you are the only one who noticed your daughter getting pushed.
I can't believe how brazen some little kids are.
If one of my kids pushed a little one, they'd have been made to apologize and then yanked right out of that restaurant.
Sad to say, but some people just don't care. And nice children do learn from mean ones how not to act.
Just keep a close eye and don't be afraid to stand up for your daughter so that she knows it's okay.
Best wishes.
I think if it had been my daughter at age 3, I might have tried saying something directly to the older child, something firm to let the child know her behavior was not ok. I've had to do things like that before, really simple, such as at the playground if kids are throwing sand in other kids' faces -- I'll just say "please don't throw the sand - it hurts everyone's eyes when you do that." The kids always do listen in those situations. I think that in many cases kids are actually sort of hungry for someone to set some proper limits, so if their parents aren't doing it, it is ok to do that in a very gentle, kind way, especially if the situation is one where the child is hurting someone. I wouldn't do it otherwise, but if someone could get hurt, then I'll say something.
There are a lot of resources available now about bullying. I would suggest reading lots of those in the coming year or two so that you can learn how to help your daughter when she gets in school situations. When your child is in school, the counselors and other staff can also be really helpful if you don't know how to handle a problem. Today bullying is being taken really seriously and many schools have a strict no-tolerance policy. Not that karate wouldn't hurt, if you find a great school! :)
How did your daughter handle the situation? She shook it off and went back to play, isn't that a good thing? I think that the situation is bothering you more than it bothered her. Teaching her to tell you or an adult when someone is pushing her is the best thing to do. I think the other parents are the ones that need a lesson.
Maybe it's just late and i'm tired but i was just going ot offer you this thought since i don't do confrontations well myself.
As they get older, my kids are 6 and 5 i see this sort of thing happen a lot less. So yes model this and roleplay and give them the words, but also know that your kids will start learning how to deal with situations like these and not just keep taking it. I hope that helps make you feel a little better.
