All to Familiar

I hate to call it a miscarriage, because that takes away from the fact that it was a little baby that was lost. I too, lost my baby at 20 weeks, and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Try to think back to when it happened to you and what helped you get through the whole grieving process. In my case, I basically stayed in my house and stayed to myself until I was ready to talk to people. Just find out what she needs, and help her in any way possible. If she just wants to hang out, or if she wants alone time, respect her wishes. Just let her know that it takes time, and slowly things will start to feel better. If she has a grave for her baby, maybe you could offer to go there with her. I would have loved for someone to offer to visit my son's grave with me, because it was so painful I would have liked someone there with me. Hope this helps.

Hi J.,
My husband and I lost a little boy in 2006, he was 24 days old. I found a group for us called The Compassionate Friends Inc. They have several groups in Kansas City MO and various places in Kansas. There website is www.TCFKC.org and a helpline number. ###-###-#### The people there are wonderful and it is nice to know you are not alone in this situation. You are a good friend and don't worry if the words don't come. Sometimes just a hug or just knowing you are there for her is enough.

I too had a miscarriage. There really wasn't anything that anyone could say. I just needed to talk and have people listen. I was amazed at the number of people that had a similiar situation. But I just needed time to deal with the loss.
P.

Three of my four pregnancies were lost, but always in the second month. One from a fall down some stairs, two from ectopic (tubal) pregnancies. My niece had to go through the delivery of a baby she knew had died inside her at 6 months. One thing I remember about all of these is that the physical pain and healing seemed to mirror my soul's agony. I remember that I did not even want pain killers, as if the physical pain from the surgery somehow balanced me. I never would have understood this until I experienced it.

An unexpected feeling that was quite strong was my attachment to any physical remnant. The hospital bracelet, the sympathy cards, anything I could actually touch and see that was proof that this child had existed here, became precious to me. It wasn't like this with other losses I have experienced.

I also remember the loneliness of the experience. However much others may have experienced the same thing, however much this was a loss for my husband and my family as much as it was a loss for myself, it really felt as though I was the only one in this world that had ever known or touched this child. The aching to hold those babies is something I can still feel in my arms more than 20 years later. I have learned that some aches are love aches. There is a sweetness to them. It isn't as though any of this holds me back from living my life or fulfilling my purpose here. It just became a part of me, just as much as the young man that is my son is a part of me.

It really is wonderful that your friend has you to listen and understand. The reason I explained some of my feeling to you here is to put words to some of what I experienced that I would never have expected. What you experienced and what your friend may be feeling may not be exactly the same or much the same as what I felt. What I have always felt is the most important thing to tell anyone is that whatever they are feeling is the right thing to feel. I could have chastised myself for feeling so attached to a Hallmark card, a mere piece of paper. Instead, I allowed myself to understand the feeling, to just listen to it, and allow myself the comfort of holding it while I prayed and felt my little angel and myself being held in God's All-Embracing Hands at the same time.

I found a CD called Mothers & Angels by Caroline Mackay. She is a Celtic harpist and vocalist from Ireland who lost a daughter and created this CD. It was very healing for me to listen to the beautiful expressions of love and gentle grieving she pours through her voice. I used to listen to it almost daily. I still get up early on Mothers' Day and listen to it. I spend some time in prayer 'visitng' my three angels and have a good cry before I celebrate the rest of the day with my son. Samples of Caroline Mackay on You Tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-YztGdKMRw&feature=re... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QS1RYff0tI&feature=re...

I hope this is helpful to you in some way. My heart is greatful that the two of you have this friendship.

first let me say i'm sorry for both of your losses. life is so unfair sometimes. i have had 7 early m/c and i can always be grateful that they were early on. i've had several friends who'd had late m/c or stillbirth. a loss is a loss. period. but the one think i know that even tho someone may KNOW how we feel...sometimes just knowing they are there to listen means more than anything...sometimes no matter how much we hurt when we went thru, our pain is still different. You are a dear friend to listen to her...sometimes just being able to vent w/o judgement and validating our feelings is all we need. Bless you all.

Hi J., I carried my 3rd child 9 months and delivered her two days past her due date and she was stillborn. No one can understand the pain a mother feels unless they have been through it. There is a support group called Compassionate Friends. They are people whom have lost children no matter what the age. Including miscarriage and stillbirth. I think the best thing is to just listen to her and let her pour her pain out. The loss of a child is heart wrenching. I will keep her and you in my prayers.

Dear J. -
I lost my son when he was 8 months old. There is nothing you can say to make it any easier for your friend. The thing that helped me the most was having friends to listen - thats it. No special words or magical saying...just a quiet ear. Sometimes the most magical healing happens in the silence. My most comforting friends just sat with me...no words were needed. I hope this helps. She is lucky to have you!
D.

I wish I knew what to say. I too have been through 2 late miscarriages. The last time I was showing quite a bit. I think the hardest part is when other people ask you what happened and why you aren't showing anymore, as if it's not fairly obvious.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is just simply let them know you do understand and that you are praying for them. We all grieve so much in our own way. It may sound weired, but when I had my miscarriages I poured my empty arms and love into a new kitten or a puppy.

Suzi

Sometimes you don't need to say anything. You just being there to listen and her knowing that you completely understand what she is telling you can make a world of difference. You sound like a great friend!

I sent this to my sister... this week (with a ballon attached). She suffered a miscarriage - not as late as yourself or your friend. But, I belive this can help at any stage. Sometimes it helps to actually do something....an actual act of grief...it helped my sister and I wish I would have done this durning mine.

Ok, here goes. I found the poems on a web-site called...
http://www.thelaboroflove.com/prose/miscarriage4.html
so I modified to fit her and the ballon poem I found in a book called Dirt on my shirt by Jeff Foxworthy. It tied everything up well..

Jesus, is he with you

Jesus is he with you?
I wonder everyday
I sit and wonder why he’s gone
And why he could not stay

Every part of me is empty
I fell I can’t go on
But then I look to heaven
I hear this beautiful song

Mommy I am with him
He holds me in his arms
When ever I am with him
He keeps me safe and warm

He says you shouldn’t worry
I am safe and loved right here
With all the other baby angels
That passed within the years

When I hear this precious little voice
From the leavens above
I know that all the angels
Are showering him with love

For everyone that wants to hear
Their babies voice so innocent and sweet
Just close your eyes and begin to pray
And embrace them in your sleep.

My Angel Baby

To the baby that I carried
But never seen your eyes
Or tell you how much I loved you
Or ever to hear your cries.

You will never be forgotten
The excitement we had for your coming.
When I realized I’d never hold you,
The feeling I had was numbing.
My angel baby is who you are.
My angel baby you’ll always be.
Your loving memory will live in my heart
So you will always be right here with me.

Escape

How happy are balloons that finally get away?
Escaped from little hands
That tried to make them stay
Where do they go, I wonder?
With no map to guide them
To heaven I would guess
Where little angels ride them

This balloon is to send to your Baby Angel
Fill it will your
love
tears
unsaid words
hugs
and kisses

We will be doing the same in the honor of your
Baby Angel this evening. Even though we didn’t have the
chance to know your Baby Angel they will be missed,
and will forever be loved and remembered as part of our family.

Your grief and lose is no less
simply because your Angel was very small.
Your love is not small and neither is your pain.

Send your love to your Baby Angel via this balloon,
As all free balloons go to heaven for Baby Angels to ride.

I love you both very much, your big sister,

Dear J.,
I am so sorry for your loss and your friend's loss. The ultimate comfort is knowing that those precious lives are waiting for you in heaven. I too lost my baby 5 years ago and just reading these stories and responses make me cry. The pain never goes competely away, but it does subside as I'm sure you know. Just by listening to your friend's thoughts and feelings, sharing your own struggles during your difficult time, and providing the hope of how 4 years later you are ok and at a better place, are invaluable. Allowing her to fully grieve is so important.

I also believe it is so important to remember our babies in whatever way feels right. Whether it's planting a tree, naming a star, putting cards and things from the hospital in a special box, etc.; all are ways to honor and remember that little life. I make pillows for moms who have lost a baby and that has been not only healing for me, and a way to help hurting moms, but mostly it is my way of honoring my baby, Katie.

I wrote a booklet that goes with the pillows and the information is on my website (www.heavenborn.com). I also host a craft community group in St. Charles of wonderful volunteers of friends, family, and neighbors that get together once a month to sew & make the pillows. I offer this to you in the sincere hope that it might help in some small way.
God bless you and your friend and I will keep you both in my prayers.

M. Day
Heaven Born Founder
Comforting Moms, Honoring Babies
www.heavenborn.com

J.,
I am too old to share in the problem of a miscarriage with grown children and grown grand children. But I can tell you in times of grief, words aren't always necessary. There's an email that goes around our inboxes about the old man who lost his wife. A little four year old saw him sitting alone and went over and climbed on his lap. When he came back to his mother she asked him what he said to the man. "Nothing. I just cried with him." Just being together in silence can sometimes be the best "conversation". There aren't any words when a person is hurting. So, just be with you friend and don't be embarrassed at the quiet times.

What a heartbreaking loss, both hers and yours. What a blessing for both of you, though, to have fellowship through this experience.

Weren't there times when you went through it that just didn't have a solution or answer or reason? Could any magic words have filled your own heart back up again? You are doing a beautiful thing by offering your presence and love in a hard time. She knows it's okay to cry with you; maybe you've even cried together.

Together with you she has a better chance of resisting a waterfall of guilt. What she needs more than answers or the right calming words is your loving presence, your commiseration and your assurance that she is not at fault, even though the why questions are so real. The questions are part of grieving. The grief is deep and must happen because the questions are real with no good answer.

never having been in this particular situation, i think that the important thing is to be there and ask questions like " what do you need from me" or what can i do for you" this type of situation transcend the language of words, what i really mean is i don't believe there is anything you can say to change anything, even her feelings. i'm not sure but i think sometimes it's worse to watch the ones we love having to cope with tragedy,standing by feeling helpless, rather than actually going through it ourselves. God bless both of you ladies, M..

St. Johns has a wonderful loss program called Mercy Heartprints. I don't think you have to deliver there to attend support group meetings. Maggie Loyet is in charge ###-###-####. Also www.nationalshareoffice.com is a great web site and the main office is located here in St. Charles. They also have many support groups throughout the area. One other website is www.missfoundation.org. Hope this helps.
R. <><

It's been many years ago....26 yrs...but I delivered a full term, stillborn baby. I needed to just talk about it. It wasn't like I needed advice or "things", but just be allowed to express my feelings. I had a very dear friend that read a book on grieving & summarized it for me on 3 pages. It just told the grieving stages, so that I was able to read the condensed version & know that everything I was feeling was normal. Other than that, she likely just needs to be allowed to talk thru her feelings. Grieving just takes time...& God's wonderful healing power.

Sometimes silence speaks louder than words. There are times when a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold, a hug to give, and tears to share is of more comfort than what anyone could say aloud.

When the time for words appears appropriate again, explain to your friend that in God's time (not ours) the sting of her loss will lessen. She won't forget what she's been through, but she WILL be able to carry on - in preparation to help someone else through their loss, just as you've been able to help her.

....................One of God's miracles is friendship - you've both been blessed.

so sorry for your loss and that of your friend. A site that was helpful to me: http://www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz/

Many times wordsjust aren't enough with this situation.

Try this website. www.fertilethoughts.com
It has been such a blessing for me. From going through infertility issues, being pregnant and delivering my son, having 2 miscarriages and now secondary infertility, the ladies have been such lifesavers.

There are a couple areas on there specifically for loss of child/miscarriages/late term losses, etc.

I highly recommend it.

J., this is a rough time. I lost a child at 5 and a half months when my only son was nine. I had tons of support from friends and acquaintances--it is a rather common experience for mothers and fathers of large families as a priest told us. But we had the delivery, also, after I had carried an additional one month. The neighbor across the hall in our aots also did this and her finally confiding in me really gave me thje courage I needed-- No D&C was needed- jwe were fortunatae--peoploe have such good hearts-- just keep trying for more children and keep a trusting heart--God sends so many consolations--But I have never forgotten him ( or her), and Whenever my husband and I recall that time,, we always use the boy's name we gave the child--Its not humanly possible for the mother to forget the child from her womb, but time heals all and you can tell your fried, (well if she is a believing woman), as my friend who lost 2 this way, that on the other side, God will explain why it happened- but it was it no way she or her husband's fault. What has helped my friend mosthas been remaining open--keep trying!!! She now has nine children. I will keep you both in my prayers!! As for me, I still have only the one a beautiful 22 yeara old but the experience just made me more thankful for what I have. I know, thats whats best for us even though I still miss him and my two sister-in-laws have children exactly the same age as out little one would have been--(ouch) as we were all pregnant at the same time.. If they would ever have said something back then or now..I would just hug them for remembering. You know, thats whats hard --when people think or assume you don not want to talk about it,-- but thats exactly what you need. The healing comes about tru sharing with others, helps you put things in perspectives. I "adopt" children in my prayers and volunteer teach for preschoolers. All these things help.. Wheter you or your friend are ever blessed with more children, keep the focus outward and not on yourself--drop the "poor me" and try to reach out to others in your sitution. which really, is as I said much more common, esp these days, than one might think.. Good Luck!

J.,
Last summer we had some friends lose a baby at 38 weeks. They have found comfort in a support group for parents who lost babies. We are in the Kansas City Area. Maybe your friend could call her OB and they would know of a group near you.

The loss for words may be a cue to just listen. She needs a sympathetic ear. Naturally, respond as needed. But listen for hints on whether she needs additional help-a support group, counseling, etc. Did she name the baby? Was there a burial? 4 1/2 months is a long time to carry a child without becoming as attached as you may to a newborn. She may need a way to memorialize her baby. Also, do your best to help her family understand what she is going through. They need each other.

J.,
Sometimes it's best to just listen, not speak. Not everyone wants others to make their pain go away or give them advice how to make it go away...most times, we just want someone to listen to our grief and pray for us, offering their ear and time, nothing more. Silence can be the greatest gift given.

PRAY
PRAY
PRAY
Also, read the Makers Diet. Join a support group for women with fertility/pregnancy problems. I use to be a member of one of these groups and it helped.

Fortunatley, I have not had to experience a miscarriage, but I thought I may help with some words of encouragement.
First, you are helping her very much by just listening to her and empathising with her grief. I know it is hard to know if you are really helping your friend, but you truley are by letting her talk about her sadness. Secondly, please make sure to take care of yourself, when you become close to a situation that is similar to one you are helping a friend through, you may start grieving once again for your loss. Finally, let her know that her feelings about her lose are normal. It is very normal to have feelings of anger, sadness, shock, and denial during the grieving process. Additionally, these stages may occur over and over again. One thing I know neither you or your friend will ever truely get through the grieving process, it will just get easier to cope with the loss. Keep doing what you are doing, you are being such a good friend to her right now.

There is a place here in the Kansas City area call Alexandera's house. They help famlies who are dealing with a loss or an upcoming one. I read about them in the paper awhile back.