M.P.
Added: I doubt that the foster rules are no discipline. If that were true I would not be a foster parent. All children need discipline. In my state the only rules are no spanking, do not use taking away food as discipline, nor locking the child in their room for hours or as punishment. CSD provided monthly trainings as well as a workshop with Foster Kline of Love and Logic. The state also paid for therapy for the child. I did have to ask for it. Her therapist also counseled me. You can get help from CSD. Tell them how frustrated you are. Money is limited. Workers have heavy case load so you need to be the "squeaky wheel."
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My daughter came to me at 7 as a foster child. She had learned to hit when expressing anger. She learned to not hit a few years after her two children were born. She was able to control her impulse most of the time. Time outs didn't work My point is with an abused child the issues are more complex.
I suggest you try consistently ignore him. He is doing it to get attention. Leave him wet clothes. They aren't comfortable. He may decide on his own to stop peeing.
In my own counseling I learned that what works with an average kid often does'not work. Fortunately I was single an had a close male friend who helped me some times. She didn't hit him and did what he asked. He had 2 boys so he was experienced. He used a firm no nonsense tone of voice and was tall and sure of himself. He also gave immediate consequences whitc was usually was a lecture. If she continued it was to stop giving her attention. We immediately returned home. Once she was starting to get pleasant he smiled and returned to being pleasant with her. Positive attention is imperative. I learned that giving 2 positive attention to every negative attention.
When my foster daughter acted out in an angry way I ignored her. Eventually she stopped the tantrums. Without attention she learned a tantrum didn't get attention. Because I was single I was able to give her lots of attention. I read to her at bedtime every night. It was a routine. I also stayed with her until she was close to being asleep.
I found that I had to help her do some things for a couple of months. Then it usually helped for me to be in her sight. An important thing to know is they missed much of the development stages. I put on hER shoes and sometimes helped her dress. I was more flexible and focused more on teaching. I didn't expect much from her for a couple of years. I suggest that even tho he's chronologically 4 he's propably still 2 developmently. I suggest you go back to 2 in the way you parent him. As one mom suggested only give him one task at a time. Start with helping him. Although it may be difficult spend at least 30 minutes every night. You and your husband trade off. He has probably not had that.
I was angry much of the time. It's really important to remain calm. I had difficulty not showing my anger. I did learn from a couple of my counselors to say "I am angry right now" And take a timeout for myself. Once calm I would give a consequence If she hadn't calmed down enough to do what I asked I sent her to her room to play or not. That time was hers.
Your faster son needs more of your time doing pleasant things. I watched many cartoons. We ate at McDonald's often because that is what she was used to. I learned to work on one issue at a time. I gave much fewer consequences than I would've had with a child born in a stable home. I needed more patience. I tried to always be close to her when I wanted her to do something. Down to look into eyes. I gave only one direction at a time and walkeD her through it for a month or so. I gave her choices like I would give a 2 or 3 yo. I suggset he needs lots of attention and patience.
My grandson is on the spectrum and his teachers try to redirect him to something he's interested in. Often they had him go to a quiet space set up to be cozy. This is their consequence. All consequences taught him how to manage his emotions for himself. HE started going to his room on his own when he first gets angry around 7 yo.
At his pediatrician nsuggested, his mom took him for evaluation with the school district when he was almost 3. The district provided a therapeutic preschool. Because of a federal mandate to diagnose and provide treatment for anything that might result in difficulty to learn.
I suggest he does all of this because he feels he has no power. Perhaps this has become a power struggle. He can control what he eats and when he pees. Work on giving him more power. I would start by not making him him. come to the table making that time pleasant for the rest of you. Give him a nutritious and filling snack later. I
I urge you to be kind when he has a tantrum and walk away while you work on just one issue. I suggest once he realizes he can choose this will no longer be an issue.
Make washing hands fun. If you have other young kids. Include them. Go with him. Sing a song or make faces while he washes his hands. He won't wash them at first. Just kindly keep this routine until the routine becomes his.
