I Need Advice on My Soon to Be 4 Year Old Daughter and Her Behavior

I think it may be time you took her to the doctor. She sounds like she may be having a little more going on then just a "I dont want to" syndrome.

I don't have much to add for your daughter, aside from what I know, it's normal for kids to "revolt" at this age, and we kinda have to go with it for a while until they settle into the next stage. However, for morning sickness, try ginger. I had HORRIBLE pregnancy sickness with my son and I couldn't eat or drink anything without it wanting to come back up. I tried ginger chips and they were a godsend. I've never had anything work like that!! Good luck to you!

I would venture to guess that your daughter has several things contributing to her behavior. First, I would guess that whether or not you have told her that she is going to have a little brother or sister soon, that she can tell something is up. I would guess that if you have told her that, that she is starting to feel that she needs to get all the attention that she can before the baby arrives. She also may simply be testing you to see where her limits are now that she is older. Kids are always testing their parents! I would expect that the potty training will regress a bit with the news of the new baby and all. I wouldn't push it though. I know it's hard, especially with a child at an age where most of the other kids her age are fully trained, but each child does it in their own time. She will finish training when she is ready to. Pushing the issue and making a big deal out of it will likely not only prolong her from being fully potty trained, but become a new way to get mom's attention since she probably feels like she doesn't have it as much anymore (or that she won't have it after the baby comes). I would try giving your daughter more attention when she is behaving so that you reinforce her good behavior and when she is acting up you might try telling her once or maybe twice and then ignoring her (or putting her in timeout and ignoring her) until she is done having a better time of it. Sometimes my son simply needs to scream it out. That is how children get rid of their stress. She may simply be feeling a little more of it now. Good luck dealing with all this. It sounds like a stressful time for you both. Hope this helps.

I had terrible morning sickness with both of my pregnancies. I lost about 23 pounds each time. I ended up having to be on raglan (a prescription) and it worked wonders. Eating popcicles also helps and fruit is a great idea. Don't try citrus fruits because they will upset your stomach for sure. Fruit is great because if it comes back up it's not that bad. It sounds like you daughter is feeling a little bit jealous and out of place with you being pregnant. If you're still trying to potty train her it might end up being a little harder now.
I hope everything works out.
C.

Hello E.,
I am a soon to be step-mom of two children ages Jayden 3 and Maddie 4. Although we do not have the kids full-time Maddie was starting to act out of control when she was with us. Jayden was having a very hard time with his potty training. Here is my advice. I made a board for both the kids with a few things on it such as: No whinning, Listen the first time and go to the bathroom in the big boy/girl potty, pick up toys etc. Everytime the kids did something on the board i let them pick out a sticker and put it in the right place of the board. After the kids got 10 stickers they were able to buy a new toy under 10 dollars. This seemed to work very well in our home and maybe it will for yours as well. Money runs tight in our home so when i made the boards i went to the dollar tree and bought everything there. Jayden is now fully potty trained and tells me how happy he is to be a big boy. Good luck to you my frined.

I dont have the advice about your little girl. As far as the morning sickness goes, I had it really bad too when I was pregnant..What I did is ate lots of crackers so that way I wouldnt be starving, and that seemed to stay down the most. I also drank lots of water and milk. Im sure you know about the heartburn towards the end of the pregnancy Im not sure if you had it really bad with your daughter, but if that comes up what I did for that was drink an 8oz glass of milk and that helped me get through the night. If you have any other questions let me know.

I can relate to your daughter's bad behavior. Especially when it comes to cleaning up toys. I can ask my kids nicely, even try to bribe them with stickers, and see who can pick them up the fastest! Today, nothing worked. I told them I had to vacuum and if there were toys on the floor they would have to go in the trash. Boy did they start picking up. LOL. I know this sounds terrible, but it worked. I don't know what my husband does, but he can get them to clean up the house in no time! Not fair!! I always ask him and he says "I tell them pick up your (shoes, bunny, cars, etc) and put them where they go". He names the specific items he sees on the floor. That doesn't work for me. They are always trying to test me and make me angry. I try not to get angry, but I have a bad temper as it is. My sons latest thing is "I can't". And they are things he would do on a normal basis (wash his hands, go to the bathroom, put his shoes away, etc). I don't know what is going on with this, other than he's just being lazy. Little stinker! Positive reinforcement is huge though. After they cleaned up (though it took some threatening) they remembered that they earned stikers, and you bet I was happy to give them some.

As for the potty training, just be consistant. My daughter was a little snot at 2 1/2 when I finally made her potty train. Boy she didn't like me, but she learned what to do in a hurry. She's a stubborn one who just turned 4 as well! I know how you feel. Don't give up, you can do it!! Just remember to stay calm and positive and give her lots of good praise. One little trick i used was m&ms. My kids would get 1 just for sitting on the potty, 2 for pee, 3 for poop. It worked wonderful. My son was potty trained before he turned 2! Sticker charts work good too. "If you are Mommy's big helper and clean up (or whatever you need to bribe her to do!) you can pick out a cool sticker for your big helper chart!" I dunno...it may work for you and it may not. Just an idea :)

I didn't have morning sickness, but in my experience, if I took my prenatal vitamins in the morning, I would feel sick. Take them at night. Friends have told me they kept crackers at their bedside and ate them before they got out of bed. My OB told me they make suckers for morning sickness! lol. Make sure you keep something in your tummy though, and drink lots of water.

I wish you luck. You are not alone!!

K.

For morning sicknes: USE GINGER. It really works! You can do tea, cookies, ginger ale, or even ginger pills. Just take them throughout the day.
As far as your daughter is concerned, you may first want to take her to her pediatrician just to make sure nothing is wrong. I've heard many cases where an infection of some sort happened to show up at the same time another change was going on, and the bad behavior was blamed on the change. If it is the change in you & routine, try talking calmly with her about it. Find books at your library about, not just new siblings, but "Mommy is Sick" type books. If you ask your librarian they can show them to you. Then give her as much control as possible. She sounds very similar to my little girl, and the only thing I've found that helps a bit is a combination of routine (which is probably very hard for you in your current state) and giving her specific choices. She got overwhelmed looking at her closet, so I'd choose 2 outfits, and she'd pick between them. I let her choose "Do you want to brush your teeth or your hair first" instead of telling her it's time to brush her teeth, or "Do you want to get dressed in your room or your brother's room". For potty training I actually forbid it for a 2 month period (no underwear or going potty allowed). I chose a specific date and said that then she would be allowed to wear underwear. At that time, I left it up to her and she made the decision to wear underwear and keep them dry. I hope this helps! Please do check with her pediatrician, though; as I say she reminds me a lot of my daughter who was actually recently diagnosed with a Sensory Disorder.

Hey, I have a younger child, so don't know about the behavior...but I too, had some not so fun morning sickness (all day nausea, really) I never threw up, except when brushing my teeth. Anyway, I told my doc about it, and she has me taking b6 50mg+Unisom (original, blue tablets) at night before bed. I notice a big difference. Also, eating in small amounts, MUCH more often than I normally would have seems to help. Walking, takes my mind off of it. Loose fitting clothing, bland food only, I recently posted a request for help with this, so try searching for it...a lot of people posted advice that might help you, too.
As for the other stuff...some parents I know swear by the "Love and Logics" parenting method. These are books, possibly DVDs also. Try your library system,see if they're in there. The basic idea is by offering your child a choice of two things, (both your idea) they have a little control, and it sounds like your little girl wants to be independent, and feel like a big girl. Good luck!
A.

Boy your story sounds so familiar, however with one big difference I have a little boy. The only thing I have found any help with in the potty training aspect is using something he really wants to do. For example he has been bugging me to play baseball, but if he wants to play he has to go potty in the toilet. If he refuses to go then no baseball, if he has an accident and doesnt tell me then no baseball. He actually tries to go now because he really wants to play baseball. As for the other stuff, when my son starts doing his routine about not wanting to do something, he has a time out chair that he has to sit in until hes ready to try. So if he doesnt want to go to bed, then he has to sit in his time out chair away from other people facing the wall until hes ready. We have had succsess with this method. She will get mad and she will act out at first, but you have to be strong and ignore her ( I found this hard my self) it will get easier.

E.,
I am sorry I can't help with your daughter, as my baby is only 1 year and I haven't been through that yet. But, I can offer some advice regarding the morning sickness. It you take a vitamin B-6 with your prenatals at night, with a small snack, this will help tremendously with your nausea. My morning sickness completely disappeared after 3 nights of taking the B-6.

Take care,
K.

As far as potty trining, did you let her pick out the big girl underwear? If not than maybe you should try letting her pick out her own big girl underwear, she might be more willing to not mess them up. I wouldn't use pull ups during the day no matter what she does and to keep her clothes clean get those plastic diaper covers and have her wear it until she realizes that she has to wear them until she stops messing her big girl panties. That might help you with the potty training, also asking her often if she needs to use the bathroom might help her out a little if she's being stubborn. You also need to encourage and praise her when she does go to the bathroom in the potty. Maybe even make it rewarding. Tell her that if she goes potty in the toilet like a big girl you and her can do something special, or she can get more big girl panties that she can pick herself. That's just a couple ideas.

As far as the morning sickness, be sure you put something in your stomach as soon as you wake up. I had morning sickness with my daughter and I found that if I ate something before I got ready for work then I didn't get sick. So having crackers by your bedside might deter your morning sickness. Also be sure to snack throughout the day. I ate a lot of little meals throught out the day and still had a good sized breakfast, lunch and dinner. You don't have to starve yourself during the day but eating small snacks between meals helped keep the morning sickness away. Then it was just a matter of avoiding certain smells.

As far as her behavior I'd try to make every activity, whether it's getting dressed or cleaning up after herself, a game. If she's having fun while doing these activities maybe she won't make such a big deal out of it and start screaming. Maybe even let her pick out her own clothes for the day.

Does your daughter know you're going to have another baby and she's not going to be the only one getting all the attention? She may be acting out now to make sure she's still going to be able to get your attention. You need to teach her that screaming is not going to get your attention she needs to be a big girl and big girls don't scream for attention. Maybe tell her that you will need her help once the new baby gets here and if she keeps screaming then she won't be a big girl and she won't be able to help if she's not a big girl because taking care of a baby requires a big girl to help not a little screaming girl. That might help you with your sanity. I'd also start practicing with her on how to change a baby's diaper and clothes. If you get her involved now then she will be really helpful to you once the new baby gets here and she won't feel left out.

E., I agree with Lisa. I would add the possibility that the two of you are in a power struggle cycle. I imagine that since you're not feeling well you have less patience and are expecting her to mind when you make a direct request. At nearly 4 she is trying to find out how she can exert her independence. If she refuses to do what you say and you get upset or even short tempered she feels that she has won. Neither one of you are happy but you're stuck in this pattern.

Have you tried some indirect ways to get her co-operation? Such as giving her choices. An example would be do you want to put your shoes on or shall I do it for you? All said casually and in good humor. Would you like to eat now or 3 minutes from now has worked with my granddaughter. We end up laughing as we negotiate the 3 minutes. She says 5. I say 2. She says 5. I say whoops, 3 minutes are up. Now do you want to start with the hot dog or the potato nuggets? Sometimes I give her a choice of eating at the table or putting a towel down and watching TV while she eats.

I let her help dish up the food. Sometimes I let her choose what to eat when I have a couple of things in mind. And now she helps prepare it. This morning she made the pancakes almost by herself. She started making pancakes by helping me get out the ingredients and stirring them all together and then stand on a stool and watch me cook them. Little Bear's dad flips the pancakes onto a plate and so she held the plate and I tried to flip just like he does in the video.

Bedtime was almost always a problem for me until her mother got tough. She set bedtime to be at 7 and then built a routine during which they did the same thing every night. If she was in bed by 7 her mother read her a story or two or three depending on how long they were. It did take my daughter a couple of months to get this routine down solidly. One reason that it took that long is that she was not consistent. She often comes home from work tired and would just yell at her to go to bed instead of spending that time with her while she got on her pj's, brushed her teeth, and picked out a couple of books.

Another "trick" is to divert her attention when she is doing something she shouldn't be doing to doing something that is OK. This does seeem like it takes more time than just telling her no but it really doesn't when you consider the time you spend fighting with her. "Leave the TV controls alone. Here is your xylophone. Play me a song."

And to pay attention to the times when she seems the worst behaved and try to figure out what triggers that anger. Is she overly tired, hungry, wanting your attention as shown by her constantly trying to get you to pay attention, overstimulated as when the TV has been on for too long and someone has stopped to visit and you're on the way to the store? Kids this age can usually only handle one thing at a time and need a transition in between activities. I've found that just sitting down and holding either one of my grandchildren before we dash to the store is helpful. Then I always try to have some activity for them to do while we're at the store. Otherwise they're running all over the place. I still put the 6 yo in the cart when she starts to act up. I take crayons or markers, paper and coloring books. And for my granddaughter at least 2 small stuffed animals. She has a great imagination as she plays with them having them talk to each other.

When my grandson was 3 I was rushing to get the shopping done because he was being very whiney and reaching to take things off the shelves in spite of my talking to him about what I was doing and handing him whatever I had taken off the shelf. He would throw it on the floor. I became angry with him and kept telling him to stop etc. Then I tried singing to him which worked for awhile and I decided to just get out of there and went to the check out stand. Then he began crying and trying to get out of the cart and I felt all eyes on us. I had brought a white board and markers with me but had forgotten about them. Standing in line gave me a chance to think. I whipped them out. He immediately stopped crying and started drawing. Whew! If I'd only thought of it earlier!

I find that when my grandchildren are especially defiant that they need something and since they can't tell me what it is it is up to me to figure it out. I learned that quietly holding my granddaughter, sometimes watching a video or reading a book with her or sometimes just rocking her before she lost it was helpful. At 3 and 4 she threw temper tantrums often, lying on the floor kicking her feet and waving her arms. I would sit down on the floor several feet from her and in 5 or so minutes she would crawl over to me and quietly cry while I held her and then it was over. With my grandson, I had to put him in his room as the tantrum started. He'd run there at my calm unemotional request to go to his room until he felt better. And in a bit he will come out with a smile on his face.

Picking up only worked at 3 and 4 when I stayed in the room and "helped" her pick up. Mostly I would praise her as she dropped toys into the box. Sometimes I had to get her started by picking toys up and handing them to her to put in the box. Then I'd point to toys that she missed. This only worked if I was in a calm space myself and was able to make it into sort of a game.

Kids really do pick up on their caretakers' emotions. When my daughter is cranky her kids get wild and uncontrollable. And since you aren't feeling well as well as feeling frustrated with her behavior I think that it's possible that you don't have the energy to try different ways of handling her. I suspect that, just as I've been myself, feeling out of sorts with her behavior and your displeasure coming thru with your daughter.

Managing children is a major skill that we are not taught before we have children. I grew up in an era when children minded or were spanked, My parents did not use any sort of finesse with us. And we were not a happy family most of the time. I was the "good" girl and always did what they asked but I wasn't happy. I felt that they didn't care about how I felt or what I wanted. My entire focus was on making them happy.

Some parents are still able to raise kids in the authoritarian way but to do so the parent has to be the legitimate authority. They have to be consistent, have an immediate consequence for misbehavior, and show love often.

I tried that with my daughter and it didn't work in part because I was still feeling the need to make other people happy so that I could be happy. I couldn't be unemotionally consistent in my rules and consequences.

I think that finessing is much easier in the long run. Learn "tricks" to get the child to think she is doing what she wants to do by taking her mind off of what she's trying to do that is not OK, Consistent rules and consequences are also a key part of discipline. When the parent establishes a few rules and always follows thru with a known consequence each time the child breaks that rule the child learns to live by the rules. I find it helpful to write down the rules; 5 or 6 at the most. Number 1 rule is always we do not hurt other people by hitting, pinching, biting, spitting. (whatever it is that child does) A consequence can then be a time out.

I have never been able to enforce time outs and after watching SupperNanny on TV I know why. She has parents keep putting their child into time out over and over until they stay for the required 5 mintes.(usually 1 minute for each year in age) And have the parent to not say anything to the child or even to look directly at them the whole time they are doing that. A time out means that the child is isolated so that they have time to think about what they dod and what they should do next time. And the focus is on the child learning what she needs to do. When the parent gets angry, shouts, glares the child's focus becomes their parents' anger. On the programs I've watched each parent has had to stick with the one task of getting their child to stay in time out for several hours which means that they do nothing else. In between returning the child to time out, if there is a brief lull, the parent sits down and looks at the floor. And this may have to be done for several days but in less than a week the child is not only stayin in time out but is also better behaved. It is amazing.

Once the child does stay the required time in time out the parent asks the child to apologize and after that asks the child what he it is he is to do next time so he doesn't have to be in time out. Then the parent hugs the child and all is over. No bad feelings. This is so difficult. I don't even want to attempt doing it.

I focus on ways to get compliance so that there doesn't have to be a consequence. Or if they don't do what they are supposed to do to give them a logical consequence. Today my granddaughter didn't eat her vegetables and so there was no ice cream and no arguing. When she tried to convince me that she'd eat them after the ice cream I completely ignored her. Interestingly, about an hour later. she returned to the table and ate her vegetables and didn't ask for ice cream. This could easily have become a power struggle. "Eat your vegies!" "No, I won't!" And I've done that with her for several minutes at a time when I'm tired. I've even said no ice cream but then gave it to her just to get it over with. Then I'm angry with myself for arguing and then giving in and frequently cranky with her as a result.

An important part of helping children be good is to give them a lot of praise. Notice everything that they do that is right and tell them so as often as you can. And, oddly enough, ignore some of the not OK behaviors. As my aunt. who had a severely mentally retarded daughter, told me, "pick your battles." None of us is perfect. How would we feel if our spouse or boss commented on everything we did wrong?

Today, my granddaughter was playing with the dominoes. When she was thru I asked her to pick them up. She didn't. I ignored her for about 10 minutes. Coincidentally, meaning I didn't plan it, I asked her to get my cell phone for me. She said, "it's your cell phone. You go get it." in a neutral tone of voice. I replied, "I'll get my cell phone while you pick up your dominoes." When I came back she had picked them up.

When I'm tired and know that I'm unable to follow thru I do not ask my grandchildren to do anything that is minor and/or doesn't need to be done now. For me that includes picking up toys at my house. Having the toys picked up is important to their mother and she frequently gets angry and yells at them when there are just a few toys out. I choose not to have picking up toys a battle and my daughter has decided it's worth the battle to get it done. She doesn't realize that if she could be more flexible and a whole lot less angry the kids would do it most of the time. Anger mostly teaches kids to be angry. They get angry in return and the toys stay on the floor. My granddaughter, at 6, used to scurry to pick them up but she doesn't anymore. Her mother is already angry with her, won't praise her when it's done because she's still angry that it wasn't done earler and so what's the point? "No matter what I do Mom gets angry."

I've written much more than I intended. I hope that you can find something in it that is helpful for you. As I'm thinking about what I maybe should've also said I remembered that in addition to being in a power struggle the two of you may be discouraged and feeling no matter what I do it doesn't work. That is one reason I recommend noticing the things that are right and to make just a few rules and work on just those. I'd start with maybe 2 or 3 even. Whatever makes you the craziest. And then ignore the rest unless they are can result in harm. Once you've been able to be consistent with enforcing those add another rule. And then allow yourself to relax and find ways to enjoy her.

Another example; if she doesn't eat when you want her to, tell her that you'll be putting the food away when you get thru eating and then there will be no more food until the next meal or the next snack if you usually give her a snack. Make sure it's a small snack so that she will still feel hungry. Remain calm and unconcerned so that she can't focus on you and your emotions instead of herself and why she's hungry.

I've not been able to do any of this consistently and some of it not at all. Even tho I give myself pep talks about remaining positive and letting go of anger, once I'm tired I've forgotten it all. And I'm 64. I thought, when I was growing up, that by the time I was this age, I would know a whole lot more than I do and be much more effective in living my life than I actually am. So I've also learned it's important to love myself enough to forgive myself for not doing what I think I should do.

Be easy on yourself knowing that you are doing the best that you can do at the moment with what you know and how you feel. And I've learned from all these years of living that whatever happens it is OK in the long run. In fact afterwards I frequently see that even tho I hated what happened, what happened, did happen for the best.

I wish you the best in your struggle. Parenting is the most difficult job in the world and the one for which we're least prepared.

And if you want to learn about more ways of getting your daughter to behave there are a lot of good books. I recomment the PET series. PET stands for parent effectiveness training. My daughter has the book and so I can't give you the authors' names. A man with the last name of Kline and his associate have also written several practical and helpful parenting books.

Again, I empathize with you and am wishing you the best of everything. M.

I noticed that you liked music. Music is a wonderful tool to use with kids. Singing while doing anything makes it more fun and easier to get the child involved. Quiet music calms both my grandchildren and me. Their mother puts a CD on when she turns out the lights and leaves the room at night. They have a night light which helps too. And their special stuffed animals. It's all a part of the quiet and happy routine that gets them settled down.

After reading Heather's response I rethought my use of the word trick. I used it because I couldn't think of the right word. What I'm trying to say is that the child is wanting to be independent and this step is important towards preparing them to be adults. By giving choices the parent is allowing the child to be independent and at the same time learning how to make choices. As they get older we provide more complicated choices. We are also building their self-esteem because they are pleased to make the choice and the parent has set it up so that either choice is OK,

I also agree with what Heather is saying and I'm going to find the book to read. I think that I'm addressing a different issue than Heather is. I'm suggesting ways to get out of power struggles I see the preschooler as learning to assert his independence and this is not willful disobedience.