Another Attempt at Potty Training--HELP! (Or Tell Me I Am Not Alone!)

Sounds like where my granddaughter was at when I went to visit last year. She was over three and ready and capable, but I think it was just so convienient to have diapers and not be interupted to go. My daughter said, "mom potty train her while you're here." So I said ok no more diapers, panties only and stuck with her like glue, taking her to the potty every so often, "just try, can you make it tinkle". If she didn't I would say, ok maybe next time. and just kept trying. When she did make it tinkle, we would make a big fuss and say what a big girl she was and how proud she should be, and how proud i was. A couple of days of that and she was more cooperative and then Mommy also started taking her and by the time I left - maybe I was there 5 days, she had it down. I guess all this to say, if there is a grandma or someone else that she won't get in a power struggle with, maybe that will get her over the hump. You could also ask if she is scared of something. ~ this is kinda funny, but I also showed her how to go outside behind a bush if she was playing outside. I mean I literally did it myself to show her, and she said, "That's cool". haha

There is a book called Toilet Training in Less Than a Day by Nathan H. Azrin, Ph.D. and Richard M. Foxx, Ph.D. I'm going to try their method when my baby is ready. The book (which is cheap!)is probably on Amazon.com...it's worth a shot!

Hi A.,

I just wanted to let you know that my son was the same way and we decided to wait until he was ready to do it. He did and everything went fine. He's like that with everything that's new. He wants to do it in his time. Maybe he needs some type of control over the situation to feel safe or something. I don't know. One thing I did notice though was that he'd sit on the potty for his dad better than he did for me at first!
Here's to happy potty training!!! Enjoy it!

D. Rylander
A Blessed Birth Doula Services
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____@____.com

Oh, dear A.--- our blessings are so amazing!! -- and you are CERTAINLY not alone.

What I hear is a child who is reading you precisely- she KNOWS you want her to- but something is blocking her -- ( sorry- I have no clue) Try really hard to let HER be the one to be chagrined - I'd bet big money she gets lots of time with other children-- make sure some of them are slightly older girls that she really likes -- one of them one day soon will say the right word and your angel will say to herself ''' I HAVE to be like --------------- I guess I better go'' - and that will be the end of it. She knows you love her anyway- but friends are in a different category- and she really will want their approval more and more.

I promise- it's coming.

Blessings,
Old Mom
aka- J.

Are you switching back and forth between undies one day and diapers the next? This can be confusing for a child. Once my son showed he was ready, and wanted big boy undies, there was no turning back. He was 23 months the day I put him in undies, and he had 13 accidence that first day. He was begging for his pull-ups, but I said no, you are a big boy now. The next day he had 2 accidence. And every week after it got better and better. I would bring a putt-up and extra pants when we went out so if he had an accident I did not have to worry about another one until we got home, when he when straight back into undies. This also worked with my youngest son. He was not ready until 2 1/2, but we used the same method on him.

A. - Some people will think I'm a terrible mom, but my kids were both trained at two so take it for what it's worth:

Yes, she's messing with you, and yes it's become a power struggle - you're struggling to get the power back from your daughter!!

Your daughter is physically and consciously aware and able to control her peeing and pooping, as you've pointed out. But it's just easier to not be bothered with stopping what she's doing and using the toilet, so she doesn't. By three years old your child is old enough to be disciplined in whatever manner you use for disobeying.

I would suggest picking another date, tell her about it, show her each day on the calendar, "No more diapers on Friday - see only x days away!" Then you stick to it. You do the laundry and duct tape that child to the toilet (only joking, of course!). You are as loving and helpful as possible, but you also explain what the consequences are for not using the toilet and you follow through with handing them out - every time.

This takes patience, but it also takes persistence. Your daughter will make it!! But you need to make it happen.

Hi A.,

You are so not alone. My son will be four in September and is doing almost exactly what your daughter is doing. Animals go poop and pee on the toilet, saying no when I ask if he wants to, and going back and forth between being willing to try and not. So I get it. (How do all these other moms do it!?!) I know that every kid is different and that my pediatrician said that it was normal to potty train between 2 and 4 yrs old, I just wish that other people would remember that too. I also hate the looks when we are at someone else's house and I have to excuse myself to change a diaper. My son is really big for his age so that doesn't help either. Anyway, doing my best to be patient and respect the place that my son is in, still studying the whole using the potty thing. He is a studier, he observes and watches and doesn't try things until he knows how to do them. Good Luck! I know you have a beautiful, smart little girl and she will do it when she is ready to. I even hear stories about how it just happens like a light switch one minute diapers and the next fully potty trained. Here's hoping!

S.

Hi A.,

It sounds to me like she's ready and you just need to give her that extra push right now. I went through a similar situation with my daughter around three and one day I decided to put her in underwear cold turkey and never give her the diaper/pull-ups option again. It was sooo easy! Once she realized she would always be in underwear it took her under a week to train and she had very few accidents. I'm now doing the same thing with my son who just turned three (he's shown lots of signs of being ready) and we're going on his fourth day in underwear with just one accident so far. At first he was excited about using the potty, but already he's starting to throw little tantrums about going...yet he loves his new underwear! Trust me, kids will be a little lazy about it if you let them because they don't want to stop what they're doing to use the bathroom. Keep at it and soon they'll accept it's part of life.

As for night training, that does take a bit longer. I found my daughter was capable and only peeing in her pants at night because she knew she was wearing a diaper. I'm not sure how it will be for my son. Once we get more dry days under his belt I'll probably do a trial night in underwear (prepared to clean up the mess!) to see how he does.

What it comes down to is I think it's really easy for us to underestimate our kids. Let her pick out some underwear she likes and once she starts wearing them, don't go back! Once she realizes she doesn't have the option of diapers anymore she will adjust very quickly.

Good luck!!
-J.

PS: I also wanted to add that I've found that cleaning my kids off in the shower (which they hate!) works good for "accidents." Though spanking has it's place, I don't feel that it's good for enforcing potty training. The shower lets them kind of see how yucky the mess is to clean up, not to mention that it gets them away from being treated like a baby when they soil their pants.

Have you tried just setting an end date to diaper wearing, and start her in underwear only? This is my best recommendation, I've used it with both my older kids (my son when he turned 3, my daughter at just under 2.5) and while it is a little scary (acknowledging potential messes) it works VERY fast for a little one who is ready. And it sounds like your daughter is. I would talk to her about it, for at least 3 days leading up to it, and then on the morning, put away all diapers, put her in underwear, plan to stay around the house for a few days, and let the accidents occur. With each accident, stay calm, put her on the potty, dump contents, if any, in the potty and clean her and change her into dry clothes, reminding her that pee and poo go in the potty now, no more diapers, try to remember next time. Etc. Roll up rugs, use waterproof covers on soft furniture or keep her from sitting on them, if that makes you feel more comfortable.

Accidents, while most people are desperate to avoid them, are GREAT learning experiences!! You will probably be amazed at how few she has too. That was the case with my kids. They don't like them, and they quickly realize they'd better make it to the potty faster the next time.

So that's my advice - just go cold turkey. And once you start don't go back - stick with it. Pull ups at naps and nighttimes only, or she'll use them just like diapers. She'll be a potty pro within a few days, or a week at most, I'll bet, if you do this.

Only one of my 4 kids has been potty trained before 3. And she completely regressed when her baby brother was born. In the end, she wasn't completely accident free until after 4. I have a friend whose son was nearly 4 when he finally was willing to be potty trained.

It sounds to me like your daughter just doesn't want to do it. If your child completely understands what is going on, but won't do what you want her to do, I don't know if there is much more you can do than wait for her to choose to use the potty.

I know it's hard to not compare your child's progress to other kids, but resist the urge. Your daughter is unique with her own personality and set of skills and challenges.

You are NOT alone. My Ever since we apopted our daughter from China at 21 months, I have been trying to potty train her. She was 3 in December. Just when I think she is begining to understand, she regresses back. At times, I think she doesn't understand her own body quite yet. Every child is different but it sounds like you have a power struggle on your hands. Does she fight you on anything else? Some kids are ready when they are ready and there is nothing anyone can do about it. I just wish everyone wouldn't get so hung up on it and make you feel like a bad mother if your child is not potty trained but what they think is the right age. Good Luck

A.,
Wow, do I know what you are going through! My daughter is almost 3 and a half (4 in October) and we are just now making some headway with our most recent attempt at potty training. I think this is our 3rd or 4th attempt. We started when she was close to 2 and she just wasn't ready. Just like your daughter, mine was not swayed at all by little toys, candy, stickers and the like. We tried a chart with no success. I have no idea what made the difference, but for the last couple of weeks she has been going potty with more success. She still has an accident or two each day. We reward an accident free day with ice cream, but that hasn't happened in about 10 days. Right now, she wears cotton training pants and is only allowed to wear pull ups when she is sleeping or when we are going to out without a little potty. I don't cart the potty around with us, but I'm going to get her a travel potty for our next phase of training. All I can tell you is be patient. I know how bad it can make you feel. I also felt like I was doing something wrong as a mother because other kids seemed to train faster than her and I couldn't seem to motivate her to want to train. Hang in there!

your not inadequate at all, this is simply an area where she has control and she knows it, and like any kid, at any age, they want to obtain and maintain control wherever they can. My kids were the same way, my son didn't start potty training until his 3rd birthday, (after a year of trying and failing), I'd finally had enough and put my foot down. i didn't force him, I simply put him in a situation where he didn't have a choice, either he'd use the potty or he'd have to pee on himself and be uncomfortable until he could change his clothes, he caught on to that very quickly. I allowed him to wear a pull up at night and that was it. Once I started doing that, he was fully potty trained within a month. Now, mind you, there will be A LOT of extra laundry for a little while with this method, but it is so worth it. Since I already had the technique figured out with my son, I did the same with my daughter, once she started showing interest, I switched her straight to underwear as well, and she wavered a bit, she did really well, then regressed, then picked up again, but I never gave in. She is 2 1/2 now and fully potty trained. I actually had a harder time with the daycare then the kids, I had to lay in to them a couple of times for putting diapers on the kids without my permission, I made it clear that the extra diapers that were there were ONLY for when the clean clothes were gone and not before, NO exceptions. It can be challenging to do this method at first, especially if your out and about a lot like me, I had to always make sure I had extra clothes in the car for the kids and a pack of wipes (and I can't even begin to count how many pairs of underwear I had to throw away due to poop accidents). Its effective though as it makes the kid slightly uncomfortable and they don't like the way it feels, don't bargain with her to go potty and don't ask her, if you do that, you are giving her a choice, which gives her the power. I would simply tell my kids, its time to go potty, its ok if you can't go right now, but you have to sit on the potty regardless, and if they had an accident, even though the duty was already done, I would still make them sit on the potty right afterward and explain to them that if they have to pee or poop, this is where they need to go to do it. Just don't reprimand for accidents, that will only cause a set back, I never really even commented on it, I would just go in and change them, then have them sit on the potty. This method doesn't work for everyone, but its quick and effective. Good luck.

I would get one of those little potties and put it in the bathroom. Then I would stop talking about it. Even if you are talking about it gently that is a form of pressure. If you find that she has gone, empty it, etc. and say nothing. Repeat as necessary.

Good luck.

I just wanted you to know that I was the mother of a little boy who didn't completely finish potty training until he was 3 & 3/4. I would say that it sounds like you have a very intelligent little girl with excellent bladder and bowl control, and that even though you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is there! For a long time my son peed in the potty chair but pooped in diapers. He would ask for diapers, then poop. I didn't know how we were ever going to get past that stage, but the change came from within the child, not from anything I did. Let your daughter be around ppers who are trained, so that she knows what "big girls" do. I guarantee that one day she will want to be like the big girls. I think sometimes the little kids use this as a way of hanging onto babyhood, but eventually they are ready to let that go and grow up. I hope that helps!

My daughter just turned three at the end of January. I thought she would never be potty trained, but about two months ago, she decided it was time. I'd ask occasionally if she wanted to use the potty, we read books about it, and I had treats ready for when she did go. Mostly, she would pee or poop in her diaper and say "no treat for me". She just wasn't ready and I decided I didn't want to work harder at it than she did. So, I waited until she was ready. The good news is that when she was ready, it was effortless. We had a couple accidents in the first week and none since. Good luck, be patient and wait for her. She sounds like she'll be ready very soon.

What worked for me is letting my daughter run around naked. Then when she started to pee we would get all excited and say "hurry hurry!" and run for the potty, almost like a game. yes you have to clean up a little pee or worse, but it worked on both of my kids. Even better if it is warm enough to be outside naked, then it you don't have to clean it up. :) Good luck

A.!

You are not alone - my daughter was easy to potty-train, but my handsome, super-intelligent, awesome nephew was not potty trained until 4 1/2 years. He's in middle school now and is just such an incredible young man!

Given that you have tried just about everything, the only thing I can think of is to have playdates with a child her age or younger, who is potty-trained, and praise the heck out of that child for being so "grown up." If it's OK with the other mom and child, having your daughter watch the other one use the potty could also help.

A friend of mine invited me and my daughter over for precisely that reason and, after hearing his mom praise my little girl for going potty, her 3 1/2 year old suddenly announced that he was a big boy, too, and he raced into the bathroom, pulled down his pants and - voila!

This would only work if she is competitive by nature. My friend's son is VERY competitive and loves to "be first."

The other pp's advice is good as well - just get rid of the diapers. Go everywhere with a set of clean cloths, wipes and a travel potty, if necessary. Don't punish her for any accidents (it sounds like you'd never do that anyway) and be happy when she uses the potty.

The only other comment I have is that it seems a little odd to me that she can hold her pee for 9 hours. Does she do that a lot? If it was a one time thing, I wouldn't worry about it. But, if she can routinely hold her pee for that long, I would have her checked out by a doctor.

This, too, shall pass!!

Best of luck and I hope she's out of diapers soon : )

Okay..LOL..I remember this..and since its a girl..well you have to deal with it..instead of daddy...(who dealt with our son's little problem that way).

Time to put your foot down...squarely across the seat of her pants...if necessary. She's playing you. She's playing you big time. She knows when she has to go..she wants to be asked..she knows what to do..to go "poop"..so make her do it..spend three days at home..spend three days with her running basically in undies..and tell her she HAS to use the potty..no stickers..no rewards..its a rule..no more little baby..time to be a big girl..no more asking..you tell her..sit on the potty..and stay there. Give her some books..and tell her to stay..make her sit there..as long as necessary. strip her down..put her ON the potty if she says "ask me". Don't ask..STOP asking. That's when you will find success..kids will make the choice against what you want them to do if they think they have the choice..simply because well..you gave it to them and so they are taking advantage. Don't. Just tell her when she says "Ask me" ..."NO..if you poop your pants..no stories..perhaps spanking..um...whatever consequence you feel needs to happen. Also..when she does poop her pants..make her watch you clean it up..make her help you..make her scrub her underwear. Dispite the getting to play in the water..required water use is often a subject of distress for a child. At any rate...she's a little girl and "gross" stuff might have an impact if she has to deal with it more personally. Make her change her own underwear...no more baby..only big girl.

A.,

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! My son is 5 1/2 and has only been potty trained for a year. We did everything with him. Stickers, toys candy, bribes, going every hour, going every half hour, putting him in diapers, putting him in pull-ups, putting him in underwear. You name it we tried it. Finally what worked for us was 1)make a calendar, 2) put a sticker up when he went accident free all day, 3) when he was accident free for 10 consecutive days he got to go on a ferry ride to get ice cream in Kingston. He was there in about a month. Also, in that time if he had an accident he had to clean it in the bathtub with the coldest water running I could get out of the tap.

Hope this helps, and here's the link to all the advice I got,
Melissa

http://www.mamasource.com/request/8244745171971866625

Oh, and for the issue of not wanting to poop on the toilet, we let him squat on the seat so the monsters couldn't get him. Stopped his pooping in his pants instantly.

I have an almost 3 1/2 yr. old little boy (my first and only child) and he is not potty trained and has no interest in it. We have tried all of the bribes/rewards that you have and I am too up in arms! I have heard that boys take longer and with every diaper change remind him that he needs to go on the potty. He freaks out even at the thought and won't even sit/stand by it. I figure that he will when he is ready, but I also think it is time for tough love. Good luck. J.

A.~
You are soooo not alone! My daughter was almost potty trained then reverted back to diapers after she turned 3. First off, it will happen...second as strange as it sounds, maybe she is scared of going because she feels that part of her is being flushed down the potty after she goes in it. When we took our daughter in for her annual visit to the pediatrician after she turned 3, he was surprised that she was still in diapers, I explained to him why, and he suggested that she could be confused about us flushing her pee and poop in the toilet. It came from her body and we were getting rid of it. I never thought about it....and also thought he was a bit crazy. However, we stopped flushing after she went, within a month she was potty trained completely. No night time diapers, no pull ups. Yes, we had a couple of accidents, but who doesn't. Then one day she said, why do you get my poop and pee out of the potty? I told her that once the poop and pee gets in the potty our bodies do not need it anymore, so we go on the potty and then flush it away so it doesn't get stinky. She said ok, and we've never looked back.
Just a thought....
Take care!

Hi! I know you've gotten a lot of responses, but I just wanted to tell you my daughter is the same way. She will be 3 in July and I've been trying off and on since she was 2 to potty train her. We've tried stickers, M&M's (these have worked the best, but only for a limited time), big presents for when she's all potty trained and totally praising her when she does it. Nothing has worked consistently. She loves reading her potty books, has her animals and dolls go potty, talks about it, asks me about when I'm going - everything, but just doesn't want to do it. It's like she's using it not to grow up (sometimes she says, "I'm not a big girl yet"). I don't really understand it (and I have tried going for a day without diapers, but she doesn't even seem to notice when she's peed her pants and I guess I'm not willing to work at it that much, or stay inside for week!). I have noticed she's not willing to try other physical activities (such as games or whatever) unless she thinks she can do it. So maybe she's a perfectionist and has realized that she can't do the potty thing perfectly, so she's stopped trying. That's all I can figure out and I think making her do it would just be worse. So, all I can say is, we're in this mess too, and I don't know what to do other than wait! Good luck!!

After reading your post, I think I know what's going on! Your dear sweet daughter is LOVING the attention she is getting with all this potty training!!! I think that is why she keeps bringing it up herself. And she say's "I want you to ask me if I have to go poopy." Clever girl!
Here is my advice. Tomrrow, start something new. Act like going potty is the best thing ever. Once. Then let it go. She will come to you and ask about it I'm sure. Since she already knows exactly what to do to go potty, you dont need to 'train' her. Simply say, "OH! did you go?" NOT "do you have to go?" WHen she replies, "No." have your lighted up face fall and say, "Oh, that's too bad. Let me know when you go." And walk away. Keep it up all day, every day. She will stop getting the attention she is loving from 'not' going. Maybe she will decide to go and THEN you can really freak out with excitement and give her TONS of attention.
Warning, when you try to change a childs behavior, they will get worse before they get better, so if she acts out then your doing it right! Good luck! HTH. :)

You're not alone. My son is 3 and does some of the same behaviors that you described. My mom mentioned something about the 3 day potty training technique. I haven't tried it yest, or looked it up online. The idea is that they go the 3 days w/o any diapers or underwear, except at night of course. Good luck!