My feisty seven year old doesn't respect me. He is great at school so I know he can do it, he is just rude and fresh at home. Ex: At today's neighborhood bbq he tried to pick a fight with his older brother several times. After the first time I asked him to stop. He repeated himself. I told him to stop. "I said that's warning two." He said it again and I said "you need to be quiet right now or you will lose your tv time tonight." He turns to me and says (in the freshest sassiest possible voice), "What is so wrong with what I am saying?"
I replied, "you are being rude to your brother and you need to zip your lip, now, Not one more word." He keeps talking! So he loses his tv time for that evening and I say, if you speak again you will lose your tv time for tomorrow evening. He keeps talking! So now he's lost his tv time for two days. I said to him, "You are making very poor decisions right now and you need to stop." Then he shoves a whole giant wadded up ball of bread into his mouth and talks again! He knows he isn't to talk with his mouth full, he knows he isn't to be talking at all right now and he knows it is very bad manners to roll his bread into a huge dough ball and shove the whole thing into his mouth. So I say to him, "after I finish my meal we are going home. You are being very rude. You do not talk wit your mouth full. You are making very bad decisions. You need to not say another word." And after he swallows that disgusting blob of bread ball he says to me, "I just don't understand why I have to do what you say." Huh? What? Are you kidding me? But I say, "Because I'm your parent that's why!" then I said, "We are leaving right now." And I picked up his shoes and marched him out of that bbq in front of all his little buddies and took him home to sit in his room for the rest of the afternoon (where he is right now) in addition to the two days of no tv. His behavior has been bad lately, just yesterday I got a call from his best buddy's mom that he was being fresh to her while at their home and that she had warned him if he kept it up she would have to call me,. I would hope that would make him apologize for his actions but instead he said to her that she was lying! I'm floored that he thinks this is ok. We have talked endlessly about respect and manners and as a general rule I tell him if it's not the way you would speak to your teacher than you shouldn't speak to anyone else that way either. I'm rambling, but I'm floored that he doesn't seem to get it that if his parent tells him to do it, that's the law! He doesn't seem to get it that it's rude and disrespectful to speak to other grown ups in this way. He also tends to be a fibber, a dramatist, and he loves to shift the blame for his actions to others. When we were talking about his actions at his buddy's house all he could do was point out all the things his friend had done to him that was mean. He never accepts responsibility for his wrong doing. How do I get through to this kid? Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks to all you moms who posted. Your advice was invaluable to me.
I picked up a book at my local library called "How To Talk So your Kids Will Listen by Sal Severe, Phd. I'm only 1/3 of the way into it and I have discovered a major mistake I was making. I was not recognizing my son's good behavior enough through praise. I may have mentioned it casually but then when he was misbehaving the amount of time I spent letting him know was disproportionate to the amount of time I spent telling him he was good. So I'm following the books advice and I'm making a "mom store" I've picked up some items that I know he will enjoy and casually "left one out" on my dresser. (Boston Red Sox tee shirt) When he spotted it he asked what it was for, a birthday gift? No, I said and then explained how I would be opening my mom store soon to reward good behavior. We would together create a chart and he could earn stickers for listening to me the first time, being polite and respectful, not picking fights with his brother and a bonus section for when I catch him being good. He could turn in those stickers for items at my mom store. Some items will cost more stickers than others. He loved the idea! He smiled and I knew I had the buy in I would need to make this successful. We've done sticker charts before in exchange for an outing or ice cream, bowling, etc. But something about turning in the stickers for items at the store that he chose really clicked for him. He even gave me a couple for ideas for what would be really cool to have at the store. And we discussed what areas of improvement should be on the chart together.
I hope it works, I'll let you know.
Also I'm changing my responses to him. Just yesterday he was frustrated he couldn't get his little shorts buttoned. He started acting up and speaking out. "I hate these shorts! they suck!" He started thrashing about and getting mad. Normally my reaction would be to him about his needing to control himself, not say the word suck ( I hate that word) but this time I said, "So these shorts aren't working out for you huh? Let's take them off and put them to the side and we won't wear them anymore. Ok?" and he did. Wow. I de-escalated instead of escalating. I ignored the word ( hard for me to do!) and we moved on. 30 seconds instead of 15 minutes of arguing. Ok. So I'm learning. He's wired a little differently than my older son and I have to adjust my strategies. Sigh.
Everyone gave such thoughtful insight and I want to send out a mom hug to all of you. This parenting stuff is hard and having loving caring moms lend a hand really helps! :)
I think you're giving too many warnings. Regardless of what he's saying, he knows he's doing wrong. The first time he does wrong, take away the privilege or toy or fun thing. You need to be firm with him so he realizes you mean what you say.
Ouchy. That is quite a post. You must be exhausted from that kind of daily struggle. There is help...so do not fear. I have a great book to recommend if you are open to the suggestion. It is called: "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" It revolutionized the way I communicate with my kids. It is like a bible on parenting. The very scene you depicted in your post is one of the most common senarios that we as parents get caught in. (myself included) This book taught me how to identify and proceed with calming, clear headed thought patterns which nearly always diffused the situation while setting positive expectations for my children. I beg you to at least check it out of the Library. I think it is co-authored, but I can only recall the first woman's name Adele Faber. Amazon has it on sale: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...
I think this will truly put you as the parent back in control while giving your kids a desire to rise to their potential. I have two girls the same ages as your boys. When I remember to use the tactics/lessons from this book, it amazes me in an almost surreal sort of way. It is beautiful. It may not work 100% of the time, but it is a heck of alot better than the struggles of "pulling on a door that clearly is labled 'push'" LOL I wish you the best with this information and hope you get the chance to read it. No one should have to live on a daily war path with their kids. It's no fun for anyone. Blessings to you.
C. B.
Hi J.,
It sounds like you have an incredibly smart, very socially adept child who is very angry about some unfairness that he's not communicating about--so he's acting up. I know how it is. I have one too. I honestly think that parent/child therapy for a short time would be great for you two. You're seeing the things he's doing as all negative when in fact if used well they're strengths. The first thing that needs to be done is for him to be able to talk about how HE feels he is being wronged in a fair open manner. This kid is so smart, when he feels he's being treated fairly, he'll be the one to turn things around. This is perfect for therapy and because, as you've mentioned, you have a good family situation, something like this can be cleared up in a very short time.
I'm sorry for your heartache and headaches right now, but it sounds like you've got a strong personality on your hands which will work well for him when he becomes an adult.
Please consider talking less. A warning should only be used if your child does not know the behavior is inappropriate. I notice you say you give multiple warnings and have "talked endlessly." If your child knows the behavior is wrong, the consequence should be immediate: "Get your coat, we're leaving." "Put the toy down, you have lost its use." You don't need to be mean or even angry--sort of have the attitude "I really regret your behavior has caused this consequence." Each escalation from him, like a goading response results in a calm escalation in consequences: loss of privileges, extra chores, money--you know what he values and what will eventually get his attention. Just try to make the consequence as immediate as possible and as gentle and dispassionate as possible. Its great when the consequence fits the crime, but that can be difficult on the spur of the moment. Example, if my seven-year-old is unkind to her ten-year-old brother, rather than just have her lose something or do something extra, we try to have her do something that benefits him. She may have to do his regular chore, or pick-up all of his Legos. Losing TV later in the night or several nights that week is pretty far removed from the poor behavior in the mind of a seven-year-old.
Also, my husband and I have an unofficial rule that our children don't get a privilege restored at the first hint of compliance--we just find their resolve is too short-lived. For example, if my seven and ten year old are fighting, we say, "You have lost the privilege of playing together," and they are not allowed to speak to each other or be in the same room. At first they are probably relieved because the fight may have been about them needing some time apart. But eventually they miss each other and want to play or talk. If we return this privilege at the first request, they are fighting within 15 minutes. If instead, we wait until they have asked about three times, then they are golden for the rest of the day. I have had to hide my smile as they placed their hands on opposite sides of glass doors separating them in different rooms when they were missing each other. I could see you saying the next time he wants to have a playdate, "I'm sorry, you have not been trustworthy at the last playdate."
JK
Don't say too much and don't give him any second chances. "If you do that again we are going home"...and DO it...bring your food with you. He needs INSTANT punishment and removal from the situation and from anyone's attention. Taking away TV later will not punish him right away. Don't give him an explanation...the old "because I said so" really is true...you don't have to say it though. After the punishment tell what you expect from him and that you know he's capable.
Good luck!!
I agree with other posters. Be consistent. No warnings. No discussion. Immediate consequences. Possibly more severe consequences.
I agree that he knows what he's doing -- he's been told enough times. Save the discussion for a calm moment.
BTW - I applaud you for your reaction when your friend called. What a great friend and mom! Most mom's just get defensive and make excuses for the child's behavior. I would definitely suspend all play dates until he is being more respectful towards you.
Hang in there!
If the consequences are not having any effect, then they are the wrong consequences. He seems to be enjoying your reactions to his behaviors, stop playing his game and feeding into his drama. Stern and stoic, do not let it bother you he is pushing your boundaries. Observe what he enjoys doing most and make that thing that his behaviors impact. There will be wailing but then you know its working :) Hang in there he is trying to become boss and you need to remind him, not by telling him but by proving it. Best of luck--I teach those students when they get to high school, I would love to have a few more parents who understand that that type of behavior is never okay.
Nat
Personally, I think you handled the situation fine. I'm not sure the consequences will prevent it from happening again, but it's a start. It depends on what really makes him tick and when happens between now and the next time something like this arises.
It sounds like he was testing the limits, seeing what he could get away with, checking to see when you'd draw the line. Every kid does that at some point. Annoying as it is, it is also important for you and your son to play this dance to see where you both come out in the end. In actuality, you were probably both testing each other's limits--who will stop or act first?
Do you ever talk about expectations before an event? When our son was going through a particularly sassy stage, I set parameters beforehand. That way, he knew what the consequence was going to be if he crossed that invisible line. It helped me to come up with a consequence ahead of time rather than in the moment (not my most enlightened times of thinking...in the moment). And it gave him a clear parameter.
Setting limits beforehand gave us both an opportunity to build trust and success. If the line was not crossed, we'd have some trust and success to smile about. And if it was crossed, we were still building trust and success, because what we agreed on was then acted upon. So, it ended up being a win-win situation deep down at the core, even if it may not have always felt that way at that specific moment.
The question is whether your son is consistently challenging you or is it a phase? Is he mad about something, feeling something is unfair about the current relationship between you and him? Can you talk about it at a mellow time to follow-up on the situation? (Our best times to talk and to sort things out are often at bedtime...lights out, me on the floor, him in his bed, time to relax and ponder.)
My biggest mistake, at some of the sassy times, was that we would be mad in the moment, the consequence would be applied, and then we'd go on our merry way, without really talking about it later. It didn't give us an opportunity to process what the heck happened, in order to prevent it later.
Our 12 y.o. son comes and goes with sassiness these days. He'll be a teen in just a few weeks--YIKES! But truly he's a gem many times and sometimes he still yanks my chain. He is most likely to react negatively when he feels he has been unfairly asked to do something. (He's always been about fairness.) In those moments, you have to decide if the battle is worth it. Will your request get the desired result or will it inflame things? I'm not saying to let him run all over you, but it's important to have an idea before you get into an argument of what you're requesting versus the predictable outcome.
A lot of times when our son and I talk about some "issue" later on, we realize there was something else going on in the periphery that was fueling the situation--some frustration, fear, hurt, or imagined or real offense. When we talk about it later, our words are often more effective. In the moment, a simple exit or stop strategy is more appropriate. We often agree to talk about it later when we've calmed down.
You probably wanted to stay at the event, you were probably embarrassed by his behavior, he may have been embarrassed that you were instructing him in public. All sorts of social capital was flying around at the moment, I suspect.
Although my son talks back to me much more than I ever dared when I was a kid, I think he is learning some healthy bounds of respect for himself and for me in the long run. When he's got a legitimate gripe, I'll listen and sometimes change my mind. When he is just being downright disrespectful/annoying/insensitive/etc., then I we have to regroup.
At our most frustrating moments, our son locks up emotionally. I suppose I do too, considering that I become rigid when a line has been crossed. I don't like back-talk. But I also have to admit when I've made a mistake. Sometimes, just sometimes, he has a legitimate argument. Our solution is to calm down (sometimes it takes just a minute. sometimes one of us has to go to another room) and we then communicate when we're more able.
It's done wonders for us to set limits beforehand and to follow-up. Now, granted, I've been known to over-talk things on occasion--no, never!--but more often than not, this strategy has helped us.
Good luck!
Just to throw into the mix another idea, have you tried to find out why your son is obnoxious and rude? When you have a peaceful moment, maybe you could sit down with him and ask him nicely, what he thinks made him behave like that yesterday, and how it made him feel. Let him do the talking, and don't judge. This may not work the first time you try, but he eventually will learn to express himself in a good way. But you need to leave him room, and again - don't ride on the fact that he behaved badly. Try to understand his side, try to look through his eyes. Sometimes kids come up with reasons that we would never dream off - and they are valid. Once he understands that you really listen, he will be more open.
Wow. Has he always been like this or is this behavior out of character for him? Was he like this as a toddler, always pushing his limits? How does dad handle him? Does he listen to his dad and obey and respect him?
I think you did the right thing at the bbq, you handled the situation perfectly. Will you keep him in punishment? Do you ever give in and let him out of punishment early? I don't mean to insult you by these questions, I hope you know that. :) Just trying to help.
hey J., i am so sorry that u are going this. i think that maybe your son needs to talk to some one other than you. it sounds to me like he has anger issues that he can't control and the older he gets the worse i think it's going to get. maybe u could ask his pedi for some advice on who he can see, usully punishing him will make it only worse. maybe something happended to him that he's afraid to talk about with you. u have to ask yourself was he always like this? if the answer is no, then maybe u definatly(spelling sucks sorry) need to talk to his pedi and have her recommend someone or ask the school guidance counselor for help with him. i hope this helps a little. i had a niece like that but that was because of the way her mom was with her and treated her, and now she treats her kid the way her mom treated her. this will become a pattern for him and worse for you, u say that u are a loving mommy so that's not the problem like my niece, but something is definately bothering your little boy. good luck honey and i hope your boy gets the help he needs.:(
Sounds like he enjoys being in control of situations, even if he's getting negative attention. I think the "endless talking" is clearly not working. Truthfully, it doesn't matter if he understands why he should or shouldn't do something. Understanding it is nice, but it isn't essential. He just needs to NOT DO IT. I would agree that the multiple warnings are just allowing him to be in control longer. The consequences need to be immediate and perhaps more significant.
Another thing to do is to ask him why he does not engage in this behavior in school. I did this with my son. He said that back talk is not acceptable in school and he would get in trouble. He absolutely accepted the authority of the teacher. So we had to try to figure out why he didn't see his parents in the same way as the teacher, and we worked on making sure that he did see us that way going forward. We changed our behavior, stopped explaining so much, and just took action. We had immediate consequences, just like in school, and once he figured out that we had the ultimate power and control, he straightened out. Taking away tv time later on isn't working for your son, and it didn't work for ours - there is too much delay between his behavior and the consequence. Same thing with "as soon as I finish my meal, we're leaving" - it sounds like just talk to him, and he keeps acting up. I know it's a huge hassle for you to leave before you have eaten, but at least he will know you mean business.
If you want to engage in discussions with him at a quiet moment, that's one thing. But too much talking at the time of the "offense" just puts all the attention on him and lets him be in charge. He's got you jumping through hoops, and it should be the reverse!
Good luck.
I'm sorry but I think you gave way too many warnings. If it was me and my 7.5 year old after warning number two we would have been telling the host "Thank You for having us but I'm sorry we have to leave" and he would have been showered and sent to his room for the night. I think you need to be really strict when the third warning whether its for the same thing or different behavior that the punishment comes. Saying no tv time tonight doesn't work bc its not an immediate consequence. When you dish out a punishment it needs to be done right there. Whenever I go anywhere my kids are told if they are corrected between the two a total of 3 times we leave no matter what even if I have to drag them out kicking and screaming.
