Am I a Bad Friend? - Mission Viejo,CA

No not at all. But the next time you do speak with her tell her, that every time she cheats on her husband, she cheats on her son. It's obvious that she is not a good wife, see if she's a good mother. J.

I have a friend that I talk to about once every 2 years. We were REALLY close, but she sleeps with married men all the time and I can't stand it. My husband had cheated on me before we were married a few times, but because we had kids we worked really hard to make it work - though we still have trust issues. But I can't stand to be around her and told her why. I told her she really deserves whatever she gets because she is messing with someone who holds another woman's heart in his hands. How dare she do anything to mess up a marriage! Ugh...you are not a bad friend AT ALL!

I ran into this problem last year. My best friend was having an affair, and expecting me to lie to her husband on a regular basis. Finally after 2 years of it, I had enough.... I let it slip to my brother, who "accidentally" told her husband.... so on and so on...
Her husband was crushed, but knew there was something going on he wasn't sure about. He said he was glad it was out in the open and he could move on... he divorced her, and now she lives with the other man, and all parties involved are alot happier. It took a little time, but it all worked out in the long run.

The sad thing is - besides having no respect and loyalty to the commitment she made to her husband and the life she should be giving her son - she is idolizing something that is not reality. It's like when 2 teens are newly dating and it's forbidden by the parents - because it's a quick date here and there and there's the adrenaline rush of sneaking off, etc - it seems wonderful, sexy, thrilling, etc. But it's not the real world. She has exchanged dealing with her actual life for this fantasy land and unfortunately her son will be the one ultimately hurt here. He will end up with trust issues due to the sneaking around if this continues on - because kids aren't stupid!

I would sit her down for a final talk.

1) Express to her how much you cherish your friendship with her and that this has been a difficult talk to have.
2) Remind her of what you have been through in your marriage.
3) Express that while her marriage is not yours - it reminds you off the pain you experienced.
4) Be straight up that she is living in fantasy land and needs to decide to get back in the real world and deal with her marriage - to be honest with her husband.
5) Remind her of the hurt and pain this mess will cost her son - both now and potentially in his future relationships.
6) Guaranteed her fantasy land fulfills missing emotional needs in her life if hubby is out drinking, etc. Let her know you are happy to be there as an emotional support if she choses to step out on faith and deal with life.
7) Let her know if she does not, you cannot continue to support her in this because it feels like you do not condone this and it is too painful.
8) End with letting her know you care about her as a person and will be praying for her.

Great movie to watch - Fireproof. She could also try the Love Dare with her husband.

Good luck!!! T.

I actually think you are too good a friend. I would have tolerated this for a few days and then I would be done. The woman you describe has misplaced values to say the least. She is adolescent and self-absorbed - both in how she treats her husband and child and how she treats you especially knowing your history.

No matter how much you care about her because of your history, I wonder if you really even LIKE her right now? Would you select her to be your friend if you met her today?

I also think if you were good friends, then you must have some affection for her husband and son, and you are doing them a great diservice by listening to all this like it's entertainment. I am not saying you enjoy it, but she gets off on telling you!!! She gets some sort of thrill out of the drama and talking about it, and she is using you and putting you in a very bad spot.

I would tell her you will be there to help her fix this mess through counseling and divorce OR counseling and reconciliation - but you won't be there to watch her continue hurting her family and abusing your friendship. For me it wouldn't just be about hearing about it, it would be the fact that I know she is doing it. I would cut her off until she demonstrates even a little shame and an effort to be a good mother and a thoughtful friend.

PS- I know my suggestion could potentially be hard on your son. But frankly, her judgment is quesitonable, and I am not sure I would want her supervising my child. I mean taking her son to the Y so she can hook up?? Not exactly a person I want my kid around! I am sorry you are put in this position. It's lousy.

She should respect your request & stop talking to you about it. You are a very good friend for listening to her all this while, especially since cheating ended your own marriage. You can tell her that when she gets divorced, then she can talk to you about her boyfriend. If the husband is a poor husband (sounds like he is) and she is a poor wife (she is b/c she is cheating), then they need to get divorced. What sort of lesson does this teach their son?? He will either follow in dad's footsteps coming home drunk or always out w/ the boys, or follow in mom's & not understand the value of maintaining a heatlhy relationship.

You should slowly start decreasing your contact with her. Let her start making friends with all the other hussies out there and leave you out of her mess.

Well, I am a good friend....but a good friend is not going to make you uncomfortable by talking about something so blatantly WRONG!! She wants someone to talk about it with she can talk to her HUSBAND or her LOVER! Yuck. I can't believe that you have had your own life experiences and can still be her friend. I have lost a very good friend of mine who started cheating on her husband...I couldn't stand having someone so sneaky as a girlfriend.
you are a fine friend...she is an AWFUL wife.
L.

Not only is she completely and blatantly wrong in carrying on her affair, assuming she knows about your situation, she has been completely self absorbed and insensitive to you, her friend.

So to answer your question, NO, you have been nothing but a good friend. She, on the other hand, leaves an awful lot to be desired. Do not feel guilty about this.

You are not a bad friend. A bad friend would entertain her conversations of her affair and approve of it. Personally I couldn't get away from her fast enough. An affair is like poison to your relationships stirring up old emotions and making you feel aweful. Who does this to a friend? Step away.

You are not a bad friend.... I would have done the same thing. In fact I kind of have and she and I are no longer friends. I think that if she respects you not only as a friend, but as a person than she will stop talking about that matter and maintain the same level of friendship as before when she would pour her heart out. I get that best friends are suppost to talk about anything and everything, but there are also certain levels of respect that we should have for one another. When my husband was deployed for what was supposed to be an 18 month tour a friend of mine would always call and complain to me about her and her boy friend breaking up or getting into fights which would leave her alone and have no one to be with or sleep next to at night or hold her or....... I just couldn't take it anymore!! She would be with him one day and not the next. When she was complaining to me one night and looking for my sympathy I told her (beacause emotionally I couldn't help her anymore), you know I love the friendship we have, we have tons of fun together and always have, but right now I'm not sure I can be the friend that you come to with these issues. I don't get to lay next to my husband at night nor do I have anyone to hold me and in all reality that could all be taken from me forever at any moment. It's just really hard for me to be able to help you with this area of your life... I am really sorry and I hope that you can understand. I didn't talk to her again from that day on, we have not been friends since and she had the nerve to tell our friends horrible lies about the conversation! I guess that I would tell you that if she can't honor your reasonable wishes than she is not really the friend that you thought she was. I wish you the best and I hope that everything works out for the best in your situation.

You are not a bad friend at all! You are a woman with morals and if she can't appreciate that, I would end the friendship. You've been there and felt the pain her husband is going to feel when he finds out, you can't encourage her actions. And she should be understanding about you not wanting to hear about her affair when she knows you were cheated on. I think she is the bad friend.

No, I would tell her I didn't want to hear about it either. Is she not aware that this same exact thing happened to you? Sounds like she is not a good friend to keep throwing it in your face all the time. A person driven by lust and unable to be committed or be truthful and break things off is not a good person to be around... especially since she is pawning off her own kid for the affair.

I'm pretty sure I would let her husband know about it...

You are not a bad friend she knows what she is doing is wrong but in her mind as long as you still talk to her and be her confidant she couldn't be so bad. Has she considered her husband knows? If he goes out all the time and gets drunk, he knows something is going on and this is what he does to releive the stress. There is however a victim here, her son. She will be caught one day, or her hubs will just leave her and where does this leave her son? You have every right to say I am your friend but just like anyone else with bounderies this is not one to cross. I do not want to hear about your extra marital affairs as I am too close to that reality and you are insensitive since I was the wife left in this scenario. That should end it. If she feins the hurt friend then my only advice is look for a new BFF, if she can cheat and be distrustful, she can be the same in a friendship, you deserve better.

Dear D. you have been putting up with her b.s. for two years on this issue. You did the right thing in making her stop talking to you about this because it makes you complicit in her affair. I think if she was a good friend to you she would understand the past situation you were in (your husband cheating on you) and understand that that sort of betrayal is not an easy thing to get over. You can be her friend but on this issue you need to stand your ground and have no part of it. Her marriage sounds rocky and it may resolve itself on its own but you need to think of your well being. Good luck!

You are a bad friend because you are harboring this relationship (like harboring a fugitive). Does her hubby know?? She's using you. USING YOU! Because you are sweet and she needs to brag to someone to boost her ego. You've been through it with your own ex-husband, you should have ZERO tolerance for her behavior. If I were you I'd stay out of it and stay away from her. Cut her out. Oyu don't need that kind of drama in your life. (Believe me - I've seen the exact senario. - I'm talking from personal experience.) You'll feel bad about not being friends with her at first, but the weight will be off your shoulders, and the poison will be out of your life.

Cheated on or not, I would have told her the same thing you did.
I've had friends that confided in me until I realized it wasn't so much confiding as hoping I would validate them and somehow give my "permission" for what they were doing.
When it comes to cheating on a spouse, I'm out of it and I don't want to hear it.
Their personal business does not have to be MY business.
Yes, it's offended some people, but they don't want to hear, "If you don't love your husband anymore, do the right thing and leave him."
If they don't want to hear what I think then I don't want to hear their stuff anymore either. So, it's best kept to themselves.
You're not a bad friend and really, that's all you have to say...
"I think this is a situation that is best kept to yourself and worked out however you think is best."

Just my opinion.

No I dont think your a bad friend at all. I am the type that would not even have one thing to do with her for doing this. I have been cheated on in my past and it hurts like heck.

I dont think you are a bad friend, on the contrary, trust is very important in any relationship, I totally support your stance to stay out of it, you don't want to know about it, because it of course makes you uncomfortable, that doesn't mean you can't be friends. I think she should understand where you are coming from and be as respectful to you as you are of her, If she can't see that well, maybe she is not as good a friend to you as you are to her.
Good Luck

Nope D., she is the bad friend. She is the bad friend for bringing you into an uncomfortable situation and not understanding why you feel that way. She is a bad friend for making you feel bad about her indiscretions. She is also a bad wife, but that should have no barring on your friendship. I would avoid the topic and if she keeps bringing it up tell her to discuss it with someone who doesn't care about her or her family, because you do and hate to see her behaving so dishonestly.

You are not a bad friend, you are an honest friend. Being a good friend is about teling the other person how you feel and what you will and will not accept. I was cheated on by my ex husband and I know how heart breaking it can be. Staying "for the kids" is the worst excuse I have ever heard! Doesn't she see that by having a broken marriage and not fixing it and lying to her son about "loving" daddy will only hurt him more in the end? Ok, off my soap box. You have every right to not want to hear about it however a good friend is there for the other no matter what. Its a fine line. You say that you are her only girlfriend... do you wonder why? Some people don't have many friends for a reason, unless they are intensly private. Be true to yourself cause at the end of the day, all you have is yourself.