Am I a Bad Mother? - Phoenix,AZ

You are your child's mother. You have to assume you know best. When you move to NJ, will you have a support group of friends & family to help you? Are you moving to a locked-in job, a new home, & a planned life? Or are you winging it?

Please think carefully before you completely turn your son's life upside-down! I highly recommend you get your "duckies all in a row" before heading cross-country. Making a move like this will be successful only if you have everything in place BEFORE the move.

I totally understand how uninvolved your son's father is. He has made his choices, please do not make your choices based on his. Do what is best for yourself AND your son! & then, hopefully, your mom will support your life choices. Peace.

You are doing just fine dear. By the father saying he wouldn't fight you on it .. many mothers would feel blessed by that. We have a friend who has had to turn down wonderful job opportunities because the father said he would fight her in court if she even thought about moving. Now who's being selfish here?!?! It sounds like to me that he knows you're a good mother and you will make wise decisions for both you and the child. If he's entering any military form of work, he most likely will be deployed. Everything is so very expensive now and many men are working two and three jobs to make ends meet. Send him pictures of his son and let them talk on the phone as often as possible. Keep a picture of his dad handy so he can "see" his dad. If the father means well and wants to be in the child's life, he will make it work .. maybe not every week but it looks like he's trying to make a living and you are too. Do what you think is best for both you AND your son. That's all any of us mothers can do. Your mother was very insensitive to say what she did. Good luck and it's one of those times when things usually just have a way of working out. Remember .. There are many families who live in the same house and don't speak or see each other! Always talk positive to your son about his father and let him know you both love him.

I'm a little confused. You said you want to move back to NJ and raise your son like you were raised. Yet your mom lives in AZ by you, so was she not your main caretaker? Could she be using your sons father as an excuse and it is her who doesn't want you to move for her own selfish reasons? Who or what is in NJ that you feel is going to help you raise your son like you were raised? I agree with the poster that says you should have all your ducks in a row and make sure you have a plan. In the end it is your decison. He will be away anyway, if he loves his son he'll stay in touch no matter where you live. Don't stay in AZ for his convenience, sounds to me he'd rather be rid of you both, put your son's needs first and you'll do alright.

i guess you first need to reason with yourself as in why you want to move to NJ? do you have a support system there? will you have to quit your job in AZ and try to find one in NJ etc?
if the move is for a better life for you and your son then do it. if you're doing it for selfish reason, example, a guy you want to be with, or going to NJ unemployed etc then it is not a good situation.

I would do what you think is best. My friend divorced and moved back to where her parents were so that she had the support that she needed. Her ex wouldn't have been involved with the child's life no matter where she lived, so she needed to do what she needed to do. Let let your mom second guess yourself. Just make sure that you have a job and support there and not just do it for the environment before the foundation is ready.

i think that i would be fine for you to move your son wont see his dad for 6 months because he is going into the army so either way you go your son will have to go a long time with out seeing his dad! I also think that he will one day understand things and why you moved back were you fill at home!

I don't have an opinion about whether you should move. I do think your mom was out of line. The dad, well, he is making his choices.
My one concern with what you are saying has to do with offering your child the same things and experiences growing up. It may or may not be the same, even if you moved to the exact same place. You obviously feel you had a good childhood and I applaud you for wanting the same for your son. You can have a good childhood in many different places and many similar experiences in different places. So I don't think you are a bad parent for wanting a good childhood for your son. But what is lacking elsewhere that you think you will find for him in NJ? There might even be some better things in other locations. Should you move? That is totally up to you - I would not base it on your mom on ex. But I would caution that you not expect everything to be better. There will be good and bad in any location.

I think any man who has to be ordered by a court of law to support his child isn't much of a father to begin with. Go where ever you need to go to raise your child the way you want. You're his mother. You know best what is best for your kid and your family.

I wouldn't worry too much about what your son may or may not think 15 years from now. We can't make decisions based on distant hypotheticals. We can only take what we know right now and do the best we can. Kids are resilient.... and who knows? Maybe being in a place you love will make you more comfortable and open to a new relationship with a man who can be a good father figure to your son? Good father don't always have to be the ones we're born with.

Honestly, I think the best thing would be to move back to NJ away from your ex and your mother. I think what she said was cruel cruel cruel, and there's no excuse for it.

I think your mom is worried about losing you and your son if you move and she stays behind, and she's selfishly trying to manipulate you into staying.

I think that you are going to have to fly him back to AZ a lot, so that your son doesn't ever feel that you took him away from his dad. BUT you know that the reality is that you are trying to do best by your son, and you have to believe that he'll know that as he gets older.

I wish you the best of luck.

Wow, sounds like you're getting it from both ends, but I'm APPALLED that even your mother would say something like that. Obviously the dad shows no interest so why would she think you should stay? That makes absolutely no sense.

You need to ask yourself why you really want to move -- is it just to get away from the father? Are there really things back in NJ that you want to go back to? Do you have friends/support there? You probably need more support now than ever before. You should go where you have that. Obviously important ppl in your family don't seem to support you as much as you need it (your mom), either that or she is just too old fashion to even think about people not staying together (aka divorced or never married and no longer together). You need to make the decision for yourself and your child and no one else. But make sure you think out the pros and cons of both.

Whether you move or not, he's joining the military so he wouldn't see his son consistantly anyway. I guess I just don't see the problem? What didfference does it make if you are in AZ or NJ? When your son is old enough to talk, his dad can call him and talk to him. Isn't that what dads in the military do anyway? As far as your mom goes, you know now that she is not supportive of you so basically it's you and your son. Your life is to short to waste it being unhappy. You do what you need to do to give yourself and your son a good life. Whether dad or grandma are there isn't really relevant. I wish you the best, whatever you decide to do. Good luck.

First of all, try thinking about things differently.
A). Your ex said he won't fight you for wanting to move. Stop thinking that means he doesn't care about your son and check that problem off your list.
Do you want him to fight you about it? Would that make you feel better? My daughter's father had no interest in her, didn't pay support, BUT, he and his parents tried to stop me from getting married, they tried to stop me from being able to move when my husband got transferred with his job. They fought me every step of the way, in court, for anything I did to get on with my life and make a life for my daughter. That wasn't a "signal" that he cared for her. P.S.....She's 23 now and he STILL isn't a father to her.
If your ex isn't going to fight you, be glad about it. Get it in writing. Have an agreement that you will be flexible, as will he, about parenting.
B). Your mother has little to do with it unless she is the one who is supporting you right now and she has fears that this is an impulsive decision on your part and you are taking your baby somewhere that you won't have a support system or know where you'll live or work. If that's the case, as a mother and grandmother, I'd be worried too. But if her only concern is regarding the father, that has nothing to do with her.
It's between you and the father.

You can't make a father be a "dad" no matter how good a mother you are.
Your son is only a year old. There is every chance that when your ex gets his life figured out, he will want to be there more for your child.
At that point, hopefully you can let him, without a fight, just like he's not giving you a fight right now.
Have your ducks in a row...know where you're going and how you'll get there and have a solid agreement with your ex so he can't come back and say you took the child without his permission.
Don't worry about what your mom thinks and don't worry right now about when your son is a teenager. Trust me, a lot will happen between now and then so concentrate on now.

Best wishes.

Are you doing your best? Do you carefully consider how to parent based on what is best for your son? When you do not know an answer or are not sure do you search for the best answers? Do you love your son so much you would be willing to sacrifice everything for him? Is your goal to do your best everyday?

If you answered yes to all of the above, You are not a bad mother.

Here is the one thing I learned very early about being a mom.
I follow my mommy heart and mommy brain. I know my child better than anyone. I know what she needs. Based on this and with the ability to find information, I trust my decisions with no regrets.If it did not turn out well, I did not blame anyone else, instead I took ownership and learned from that experience.

The few times I have ever listened to others without this, I have had terrible regrets when things did not go well. Knowing I should have followed my own instincts.

I am sending you clarity and strength. I will keep you in my thoughts.

You are not a bad mother for wanting to raise your child in the same environment you were raised in. Mothers say the strangest things. When I was pregnant with my first child, I had to go back to work once he was born. My mother told me that I was going to be a terrible mother because I had to put my baby in daycare. Aaaah! She made me a crying mess because I had to work....the bills needed to be paid.

Do what you know to be best for you and your son. If you are comfortable in your environment so will he. If the father of your son joins the Army Reserves, he may not be even in the area if he ever gets deployed.

I think when your son is older he will see who was there for him from the beginning and know that the sacrifices you made were made to make his life better.

Good luck!

You are not a bad mother at all!! and you are not being selfish your mother is being selfish. if what makes you happy means going to live where you want live then i suggest you start packing. if your son's father was that interested he would fight or at least let his feelings be known to you. your son may or not may not be mad at you. but after he gets out of those teenage years he will also think back and remember how his father never checked on him or wanted to see him or spend time with him. so he will get over it. I did! and truth be tild i always knew tha it was not my mother that was the problem. I knew my father was not calling or sending for me. so in my opinion...BON VOYAGE!!!! GOOD LUCK!

He said he won't fight you on it. You think about if you were in his position-I bet you'd fight like it was for your life. Forget what your mom thinks-it;s not her kid and not her decision, and even if you had a few selfish reasons tucked away for wanting to go home(other than"excluding father from his life"), then remember the best mothers are ones that are healthy and happy and have a good support system(friends, knowing what's good for your kid in an area, etc.)If it were me, I'd rather go at it alone, where my son knew his only parent loved him with her whole heart, then to have 2 parents, and one of them just doesn't give a damn. Or worse, is unpredictable and inconsistant. I was a single mom for a while, I had some of then best times of my life, and my son did too. Don't feel guilty about what your crazy mother says, you know what's right in your heart.

Hi Denise,

Your mom's emotional reaction to your idea may have route from something in her own past -- her own trigger or emotional filter that she is processing this information through -- so take what she says with a grain of salt.

My mom raised me as a single parent and my father was not around by choice so, to me, I feel that it is important to maintain that child/father relationship as much as possible but that's only possible when the father wants to be a part of the picture and wants to nuture that relationship as well. This doesn't seem to be the case with your ex. He seems to be indifferent and somewhat detached right now. Since you are the primary caretaker for your son and your ex has made plans that will cause him not to be around to for visitations and the like, I believe that it would be good for you to move back home so that both you and your son can benefit from being in familiar surroundings and around family and friends. Still keep trying to do what you can to maintain contact with your ex and nurture that relationship between him and your/his son, but since you are the primary caretaker right now and he seems to be indifferent, you do what you feel is best.

Blessings to you and your son.

1st of all NEVER let ANYONE make you feel like a bad mom; Do you Love your son? Are you thinking of him 1st? then you are doing just fine.

2. I think your Mom is hurt and lashed out the 1st reaction she could have. OUCH yes but I would let that one fly right past you.

3. It seems like the father knows you are going to offer your son the best and do good by him, so that is why he "is not fighting you"/ I think if he thought you were "steeling Him from him" he would fight a little bit. GET EVERYTHING IN WRITING FROM HIM.
He is already going to be gone for 6 months for training and just like it was said, he does not know what they have instore for him.

4. I would way all of the pro's and con's (support systems, education systems, Family etc) to see what you feel is the best option. Then if you do choose to move, it is not bad of you it is what you feel is the best move, and there is always computers and webcams to talk live with eveyone. This can work even when the dad is out with the service as well.

Good luck and do what you think is best you have our support!!