Am I Being Unreasonable ? Please Give Your Opinion and /Or Advice

It depends on how much you value the friendship. Personally, I think it is ridiculous the amount of money people expect others to spend on their wedding. It is so inconsiderate.

Tell them you are so sorry, but $125 is more than you counted on. Don't ask, Tell them what you can offer and be done with it.

I completely understand how frustrating that can be since I've been in a few weddings myself which always seem to require attendance at an out of town bachelorette party, getting hair done, shoes, dress, gifts, etc. I would say that you should call her friend who asked for you to help out and just say that when you originally made the commitment you didn't realize it was going to be so costly and that all you can afford is $XXX amount and would be happy to put that towards the shower. I mean if you weren't a part of the decision making process about the shower then I don't really think that its out of the question that you be required to pay so much. Good luck with all of it, I know that it can really start to cause resentment speaking from experience.

can you spare that 125? do you have it? if yes, you agreed to helping out. if not, man, be frank, say i just can't afford that, hope you find someone else to help out. i just can't.
nothing wrong with being honest.

B., honey, I am going to be the voice of reason here. I don't care if you said you would help. Help was not defined at $125 to buy booze for a party that you can't attend. I would guess if the "friend" had been straight with you, you would have declined participation. I don't understand where brides get off asking their attendents to go into debt for the bride. I remember paying for 9 of the world's ugliest dresses, including gloves, shoes, hose and paying for hair and makeup to look like a clown. Also had to do showers, shower gifts, bachelorette parties and bachelorette gifts. Oh, yeah and the very thoughtful wedding gift, when the bride chose glasses that were $50 apiece and that was the cheapest thing they have on the registry. Yes, I am a bitter ol' bridesmaid, but if my experience could prevent someone from this ridiculous, self-centered, act of bridezillas in future I wear the badge proudly. I would call the bride and let her know that participation in her wedding has become cost prohibitive. Let her know that you would like to step down from your duties, but you still wish her the very best and would love to attend the wedding if she'll still have you. If she gets upset then you know how much she considers you a friend.

Honestly, I don't care how you spend the money you don't put into this over the top, overly expensive, second wedding. You and your mom were there for her when it really counted.

Good luck with your decision.
S.

It's up to you, but had you said "that's $500 I could put towards my debt, or $500 I could put away for the kids" I might be sympathetic but granite and marble?? It sounds like the $500 isn't going to really hurt you so I'd just honor your commitment but as others have said if you get asked about a bachelorette party or some other gift just say no. As another mom said go ahead and return your $80 shower gift and just make the shower your gift to her.

Good luck,
K.

You say you haven't even met the groom? How often do you even see this 'friend"? I'd say call the gal who asked you to contribute to the shower, and tell her that you did not realize how expensive an event they were planining and can't afford the contribution she wants. Explain that you cannot attend due to schedule problems and send the gift.
If you haven't already ordered the dress, I'd call the bride and tell her you just can't swing it after all. (beg off from being a bridemaid)

You will probably spend a fortune and seldom if ever see her again. Her life is taking a new turn. Just wish her the best and forget it. Things change and there is no reason to go broke.

My cousins' had me pay that much for a restuarant shower for another cousin (their sister who is one of my best friends). I was LIVID! They made all the decisions without including me, and didn't take any of my suggestions for making it cost less... they actually took one of my suggestions and rather than spend less, they added more to the "group gift"... which was a PATIO set for goodness sake. It was insane. if there had been alcohol, i can't even imagine what it would have cost. I was seriously about to back out of the wedding.

So yes, i think it is too much. There are so many ways to make it affordable. I think I would tell them that you can't afford that much and see if they would be willing to drop the alcohol. I mean seriously!!!! Or return your gift and get something for $30... that's my shower budget for everything anyway.

Um, these women that say, you said you would help so write the check, are WRONG! You are being taken advantage of! Helping with a shower doesn't mean writing a check - I have never, ever, ever, ever, ever heard of that - and I have given and received wedding and baby showers. You committed to helping out. That means you are to be included in the planning and input of your contribution. I say send a check of what you are comfortable with spending and move on. Attend the wedding, you are there for your friend and no one else. I understand the conflict of where to spend the money - wedding or granite countertops. But b/c you are comparing the two may say that your friendship isn't as strong as it used to be and you have moved away from that relationship - maybe the wedding isn't an option? It is up to you and what you feel you can be comfortable with. Your word is important regarding commitment but there is a two way street in this endeavor. Can you discuss this with the other friend that asked for your help? Feel the situation out when you talk to her and go from there. I feel for you - this is why I hate weddings - too bad they aren't going to just elope :)

No, I don't think your being unreasonable about writing a check for $125, since you were not involved in the planning of the shower. However, you did say you would help, that means you need to financially contribute in some way. When you said you would help out, what did you have in mind? Maybe you were thinking you would make favors, or prepare some food. How much would that have cost you both in the actual cost of the materials/ingredients and your time. If you were thinking in terms of $50, then just be honest and tell her I'm sorry, but unfortunately I can only give xxx.

Good luck.

hmmmm...

granite countertops... or friendship....

is this *really* about her?

;)
your decision, girl.
t

B., you agreed to help pay for the shower so I think you need to follow it through. Being a bridesmaid is never a cheap ordeal and I think you need to keep that in mind. Perhaps it would be a good idea when the time comes to ask what they have in mind for the bachelorette party before you agree to help pay for it.

I notice you didn't say that affording the $125 was the problem. So I think the simple answer is, you need to decide which is more important: spending $125 on your friend or spending $125 on yourself.

It's a tricky situation to be in. Being in a wedding is SOOOO expensive. I think you will get a wide range of answers to this because it really becomes a personal decision as to where you draw the line.

Based on what you have already verbally commited to at this point I would suggest offering less towards the shower and brielfy explain that this is all you can commit to at this time. Or, I would not give a gift and let your gift be hosting the shower, which I think is a common thing to do and more than generous.

Personnaly I don't see why people pay so much to get married! Or to through a party... but then again I don't make much $ and I was happy with a small wedding of family. All that mattered to me was that my man & I were going to be togther for ever - I did plan my wedding my mom had all the say (I was 17 & I did it her way or no way).

If you can't be there & you can't afford it - you already did it once for her. Not your fault she is getting married a second time - why should you have to pay again for a party??

This all sounds pretty typical when you are standing up in a wedding party. I think if you didn't want to be a part of the wedding party, you should have just owned up to that and said no. You can't get mad at this friend after the fact and make excuses for your relationship with her. Why did you say yes? I agree showers and weddings for that matter are overdone nowadays, but honoring your commitment is timeless. Throwing the shower is pretty standard and especially since the issue is not money, I'm sorry but it just sounds like sour grapes at this point. Don't agree to do things you don't want to do.

If you didn't have any say in the planning of the shower, I say NO you don't have to pay that much. Explain your reasons and let it go. I personally think it's too much money (ESPECIALLY since it's her 2nd wedding!).

Or, return the $80 shower gift and help pay for the shower.

PS> We are having a shower for my brothers fiancee' in a couple weeks. 4 bridesmaids and my mom are putting it on. My mom is making the sloppy joes and bringing buns and water. The rest of us are each bringing ONE of EACH (salad, bag of chips, and dessert.) The actual COST of the rest of the shower is only coming to about $12 to $15 per bridesmaid (that includes games, prizes, lemonade, decorations).

I really doubt that you will ever see this "friend" again after her wedding. I would call and tell them that you aren't able to attend and won't be able to help. I don't understand....you were asked to purchase a dress? Are you actually in the wedding? If not, then just return what you can (or sell it on ebay) and send the gift with a regret note.
If you for some reason agreed to be in the wedding then you probably just have to suck it up.

Why should you be spending money when you are not there. I can certainly understand the helping out (which is your time and effort). You aren't getting paid to do this and I don't mean to sound abrupt. You are not attending. Who spends $125.00 for a Shower Gift". Like you said you could use that money on something you need for your home. I'm sure she wouldn't be offended. You already have to put in for th Wedding Gift as well.
Its does add up.
Don't be afraid to say, I'm sorry but I didn't expect this to happen and I can't afford it. Take care,

I think you are being taken advantage of. My best middle through high school best friend called me after we had lost contact for about 5 years (she moved, I moved and married,etc - then she moved back and found me) she said even though we hadn't seen each other or talked in years she couldn't imagine getting married without me. I agreed to being her maid of honor (it was a small but beautiful and elegonat backyard -close friends and family only) wedding. She took me shopping and bought the dress, my shoes, ear rings, etc. I was not expected to pay for a thing for her wedding! I helped plan the bridal shower and the reception with her mom (whom I was once very close to) but was never asked for any money at all.
Now 6 years later she is once again one for my best friends in the whole world and miss the years we were apart (including my own wedding).
However if I would have had to travel, pay for my dress, pay for this and pay for that (especailly a party I am not even attending) .... I probably would have declined the invite of being maid of honor.
Hope this helps ease your mind. Helping is one thing- paying is totally different.

I agree with Lola you said you would help. If you cannot afford $125. how much can you afford? $25. $50. $75? Be honest that with all of the expenses you can only afford.. however much.. No big deal..

Personally, I think weddings are NUTS. First of all they require everyone to purchase a dress (they will never wear again) and shoes, that usually
end up in thrift stores....
second..Many people, have many friends..which means many weddings..
add that to baby showers, wedding showers, Barmitzvahs, birthday parties, birthday presents, Wedding anniversaries, Christmas, Easter, Valentines day, friendship day.....Graduation....
and you go BROKE!
I say change the entire tradition.. The wedding party (bride groom and family should pay for the entire wedding.) I sure would! If I asked the
friends to be in MY wedding..I should pay!

If this is a best friend, and you have the money..yes, throw a nice party/shower...
btw, I am by nature a giver..however too much is too much.

If someone threw a wedding shower, I would be completely grateful
and would consider that my gift :)

LOL B.! I loved reading the responses you've gotten. They're all over the map. I agree with a lot of your posters that $125 is too much to spend on a wedding shower -- especially since you weren't consulted. Return the $80 gift and think of the $125 as your shower gift.

I don't think you're being a bad or selfish friend. You are probably the only one thinking clearly in this wedding tornado. You should not have to show how much you care about your friend by emptying your bank account.

In my own experience, a lot of the weddings I attended when I was in my 20's were pretty much the last time I ever saw that friend in a meaningful way. I don't know what it is about weddings that bring out the worst in otherwise wonderful people -- brides, grooms, bridesmaids, in-laws, jealous friends....they all come together and combust in a sea of self-inflicted drama.

$500 is a lot to spend on wedding festivities. Don't feel bad for not wanting to shell out any more money. If your friend tries to guilt-trip you for non-participation (bachelorette party is coming up, right?) just try to shake it off. You're already getting roped into all of the other wedding hoopla. Save some time and money for yourself, and you won't be so bitter after the wedding if/when your friend falls off the face of the earth ;-)

It sounds like you've made your choice, but I'd like to let you know that you don't have to be that person to count on if you don't want to. I was that "friend" to someone in my life for a long time. I tried to value a friendship we had when we were younger b/c it was so important, but in the end, she took advantage of me and my kindness, only called me when she needed something and never gave what I "gave" in terms of our relationship. Once I finally figured that out, I let it go and when I wasn't the one trying...we haven't spoken in years. It did break my heart a little bit b/c I thought there was something more there, but sometimes the people on the other end aren't in it for the same reasons. I just feel that if you have to defend your friendship to strangers, you don't feel that good about it and you just need to let it go. I'm not saying ditch her wedding, I guess that would suppose how near or far it is from now, amonst other things, but in the end, it is ridiculous to ask someone who isn't even coming to the shower and didn't help to plan it to pay that kind of money. If you feel that you have to commit b/c you said you would, then do what you think it right, but know that you're sending that money as a true and pure gift b/c you're getting nothing in return.

Friendships of this length are so rare these days it seems. You've made the commitment to be in her wedding & said yes to the shower. I know it seems like a lot of money, and I agree it is, but like I said, friendships are so hard to find and being a part of such a special day in her life is priceless (well to a point, LOL). My daughter got married January '09 out of town. Some of her bridesmaids, including an older sister, lived out of state. We knew it was an expense to ask them to be in the wedding, to buy a dress, travel out of state and book a hotel. But they happily did it. I told my daughter they could just say no if it was too much and one person did. So write the check, enjoy the wedding and save up for those granite countertops another way.

I feel that it is too much money also. I feel that it takes alot of nerve to ask someone to dish out that type of money for a shower! I think she should be greatful that you are willing to help with the planning and leave it at that. I would never ask someone to spend that type of money or a shower or anything else. And when you said you would help you did not know it would cost $500.00. If I offered to partaicipate in a shower I would have never imagined that someone would be asking me to write a check for $125.00. I would feel very taken advantage of. Did you spend a smal fortune when you and your mom gave the baby shower?

I think it would have been better if you decided to not be in the wedding from the start. It seems as though this friendship is not as strong as it was and someone needs to speak up about that. I asked a longtime elementary school friend to be in my wedding because we had known each other for years and it felt like the right thing to do. She complained about everything I asked of her and we had a huge blowout days before my wedding and she wasn't in it and didn't show. It crushed me to realize that I was holding on to a friendship that wasn't there any longer and that she didn't feel comfortable enough to say something about that when I asked her to be in the wedding. It would be best if you were open and honest with this woman about how you feel. Holding it in only brings more resentment and anger that will eventually boil to the surface. Good luck.

I am not trying to be mean but you have called her "this chic" and used the term "knocked up". If you are not happy with her, why did you say yes to being in the wedding? I do agree with you that they are asking for a lot. We asked for 60 a bridesmaid for my one sister and 50 for my other sister. I have the feeling if it was a close friend or family member you would not be as upset.

I think its all way to much money. I am sorry but I would rather be a guest. If you can back out of the whole thing because of expenses i would just tell her as soon as possible. Just because you agreed to help does not mean you have to go broke. Good Luck!

Gosh, you sound like you really don't even like this friend. Are you sure you should still be friends with her, you seem to have a bit of a bad attitude regarding her and her wedding. Just something to think about!

I think the issue is you didn't ask what was meant by "helping" with the shower. You agreed, but didn't know exactly what you were agreeing to. It may annoy you, but I think the right thing to do is bite your tongue and write the check. Think twice, and seek out the true cost of being in someone's wedding, take some time to think it over before you commit next time.

I personally feel that this friend of yours has been married once before and she came to you and asked for help, and that was so nice for you to help. But just cause her first marriage did not work and she needs to do it a second time does not mean you need to bite your tongue and fork out all this money. You have a life of your own and you need to make sure your needs are met before you help others or you wont be happy. It was not right of your friend to come to you for help and not give you an amount on how much she needed your help with! You seem like a very good person and I have read some of the responses on here and some of them were rude and not needed. Do what you think is right but I feel that you should not have to pay the full amount and you should make it very clear to this friend you have helped her in more ways then one and she needs to stand up and take some of the cost herself or ask other friends to help!

way overdone. a catered shower?! puh-leeeze. marriage is about love, hard work, family and friends. attaching all this hooplah to weddings these days just seems to be putting the focus and the care where it doesn't belong.

that said, if that is what is important to her -- so be it. but i would find a way to un-commit to the shower. i would put it simply: "I cannot attend and though I initailly said i would help, I find myself unable; financially, to contribute $125. then fedex the shower gift and say "looking forward to seeing you on the big day."

if you didnt have the money you shouldnt have said yes, not much you can do now

Sounds like you have made a decision and received lots of advice but your post hit home with me but I was on the other side of the situation. I was the bride and asked my high school best friend to be my maid of honor and a college roommate to be a bridesmaid. My college roommate has plenty of money but is very cheap! After finding a dress that was very cheap and on sale she insisted that that dress be her dress for the wedding and she wasn't going to spend more money on another dress. My high school best friend did what best friends should do, she went out and found the same dress rather than fight my ridiculous friend about it so that I didn't have to stress about it. Whose friendship do you think I value more, 11 years later?

True friends don't ask you to do or give more than you are able or willing to do or give. If you CHOOSE to give the $125, justify in your mind that you are providing the FOOD (only), or simply tell them that you wouldn't provide such an elaborate (and adult) shower for your own family and don't feel right in helping pay for one that you can't even attend. You've done enough, already!

Ditto to Gina's response! Unless when you were talking about helping for the shower, money was what was discussed, I would say you'd be able to contribute what you can. The amount isn't the point - it could have just been $25. They should have asked what you were able to put in, not decided without you and then sent you a bill.

Hi......sounds like quite an annoying situation. I would let the other friends giving the shower know, that when you agreed to help you did not mean fund the alcohol and caterer etc. I would say you had finger foods in mind and you just can't justify spending that kind of $ (especially since you won't be there!). It is presumptuous to ask you to spend that kind of $ on a shower anyway. If they want to spend it, then great, but as you said you can't.

B.,
I think you've made a reasonable decision. IMO, she shouldn't even be having another shower for this wedding! You are being generous!

I think you better tell them exactly that. The world is in a pinch and you are included in that. And do not buy a 200.00 dress. You can make a cheap copy, wear something in the same color line or something different. Explain that you are delighted that the friend is getting married again but you are currently in a bind and did not realize how much would be expected of you. If they do not like it, oh well that is too bad for them. They are not paying your bills.