Am I Choosing to Be Grouchy and Unhappy?

Some days I HATE EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY!

Some days I WEEP WITH HUMILITY at my astonishing (and undeserved) GOOD FORTUNE!

Either way, yeah, it's DEF my choice!

:)

I think we all have a choice when we get up in the morning--be happy or be miserable. No matter the situation or circumstances.

I think its fair to blame most of it on pregnancy hormones.

I read something one time that said for every item/thing you get mad at someone try to think of at least 5 good things they have done/do.

SODA... Stop Observe Decide and Act. This is the sequence I use with my clients in counseling... before you react to something or someone:

-Stop whatever you are doing (dishes, laundry, whatever is dividing your attention)
-Observe the person who is talking to you (does he look sorry or rushed?)
-Decide if this is a battle worth picking
-Act accordingly

I do this all the time myself with my husband. He'll say or ask the most random things and teh most inconvenient times and rather than reply with a snarky comment, I'll stop myself and think "He's asking a legit question, just at a bad time. Listen and tell him we'll chat when I get home". It helps.

Well, when you are 14 wks pregnant I don't think it is a choice!! Seriously, please don't discount hormones and their effects-they are very real. As I get older (and closer to menopause-yikes!) I can tell more and more just how much they play into our emotional well being. I have lost track of when I get my period but then I get emotional/bitchy/spacy and look on the calender and sure enough-pms...and in my case ppms also.

So-don't fight it. Ride that emotional wave-realize that you are upset or unhappy. Give yourself permission for it and tell your husband beforehand how you are feeling. Sometimes just the realization and being 'in the moment' with your mood is enough to curb it.

Do what you can to take any of your extra stressors away-for example, has the hall closet been a mess forever, the junk drawer driving you crazy, laundry piked up, etc. Make an extra effort to get rid of these. I swear these little sub-concious things that bother me can really take their toll.

Try to eat as clean as you can. Just as hormones can majorly affect us-so can our diet.

Call a babysitter right now for this weekend if you don't already have one. If you don't want to go out at night do Sunday brunch or lunch or whatever. It would do you good to have a couple of hours alone with your husband.

Deep breaths, lock myself in the bathroom and do the crossword puzzle, write in a journal, and eat some really good chocolate are all things I do to calm myself down.

Yes, you do choose how you react to any given situation, but bear in mind that your pregnancy hormones exaggerate your feelings.

Next time you feel the need to jump down your husband's throat, take a step back, close your eyes and breath deeply. If you still can't get your feelings under control, remove yourself from the room.

I have been known to yell at my husband, "I'm in a really bad mood. I know it's not your fault, and I'm not yelling at you. I'm just yelling at the general universe." He'll usually say something funny to make me laugh or he'll back out of the room slowly.

OMG you are me to a T. I feel bad that I dont have any advice for you but I would love to hear what other women say because I feel the same way all the time. Granted Im not pregnant again but I swear your story sounds just like mine when it comes to the mood swings.
Good Luck

Sr -

I know you are wanting to avoid "blaming" pregnancy hormones, but I really feel people underestimate how hormones (just generally, even when not preg), affect us and how we think. That being said, I am sure most of the time you are a perfectly "rational" (whatever that means) person, esp when not pregnant. So, allow yourself to be hormonal, tired and weepy or whatever you want. Just don't let it get too far and try to control it the best you can, while recognizing it exists.

The things that help me:

Walking away - literally. Usually arguments are not worth it. Calm discussions later are.
Hot jet baths
Massages
Talking to friends and venting....it really helps so much. Most of my good friends and family are far away. I text or call.
And by all means - let yourself cry! Let it out - try not to let the baby see =)

Talk to your hubby sometime when you are not feeling emotional and explain that he will have to be more patient with you in the next months. That is his job as daddy! You are doing your job!

It most likely *is* pregnancy hormones (sorry).

The only other thing that popped into my head was to get at the root cause of why you are angry (which is actually fear sometimes). What am I afraid of? That I can't handle this stuff? That my husband isn't empathetic to my needs? That nobody cares how I feel? IMHO these issues go back to childhood sometimes . . .

Just my amateur take - I think it's great that you are asking that question.

It is true - sometimes we're about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
The wisest advice I ever heard (from a Saturday morning cartoon years ago - Garfield and Friends) was:
There's no point in getting upset over what you can't change and
there's no point in getting upset over what you can change. Just stay cool!
Also - use telemarketers and door to door salesmen on which to vent your frustrations rather than your loved ones. It's cheap therapy!

I have to agree with scarlett's response. Although YOU are in control, you must remind yourself that everything will be alright and keep positive thoughts. Find some alone time. Weather family is close or not, they are always only a phone call away. Even write down your thoughts and then look back at them. Hormones can do a lot to a person, remember they control so many things in our bodies, certain foods can help. Research them on line. You will be just fine.. It's okay...

I think under the circumstances you are doing just fine! The fuse is a lot shorter when pregnant. It's not something you can reason yourself out of. Mood is affected, that is a fact. That doesn't mean we get a free pass to be brats, but it does warrant a little gentle understanding on hubbys part. And there are things we can do to keep our loved ones out of the line of fire. My suggestion is pregnant yoga. It's great for you and baby, for your circulation, and ease of delivery, and it rocks as a relaxation technique. The other thing I did quite a bit was walk away. I would get in my car and go to the corner store and just sit in my car listening to music. It really helped. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are not choosing to be unhappy - you are choosing to be pregnant!

Gosh, I feel that way too. Sometimes it is a natural thing for me to seem BLAUGH. I guess when I have been, it has draw attention when I am excited about something and that makes me feel uncomfortable too. Does that make sense. People say, " OH, your in a good mood, what happened ?" Well why can't I be blaugh one day and a good mood the next with out getting attention that I am being different ? Anyway, I guess an attitude in us have to change. Being Thankful is one way that has changed my blaugh to smiles. Just lifting someone else up makes me feel good about who I am. Taking the time to think of others, compliment them, take them to luch, go for a hike, enjoy the day/sunshine. Just to be in the presance of thankfulness always gets my out of my rut.

I guess I'm lucky when it comes to these kinds of things. I've never been one to "lash" out on my family or my S/o when I have thoughts like this. Maybe my brain is just wired different, I don't know.
Anyway, whenever I have irrational thoughts I just remember that they are, in fact Irrational. You know your hubby, so you know what he will or won't do.
I.e. When I was pregnant, I kept thinking that my s/o was cheating on me. For no reason at all. If he was 10min late my mind went "he's having sex with some %&$* at work"
Now I know my s/o well enough to know he is not nor never has cheated on me. So I calmed myself down and remembered that they were irrational.

Depression is NOT a choice. There are a number of reasons why you are having problems with your emotions now, but none of them is a CHOICE. Why on earth would you CHOOSE to feel miserable? Talk to your doctor about this and be honest. Part of your problem is your husband's lack of understanding.

Normal stuff - hang in there! I would suggest you find a MOM's group that you meet with weekly so you can vent and see you are not alone. I found mine at church, and although we have done nothing "holy" - we relate and share, we have been together for 5 years now - supporting each other, and a lot has happened in our lives in those 5 years. Wow-sa. Plus, instant playmates for your son. Most of all.....everyone talks about how wonderful momhood is....and it is wonderful....but ya need friends you can get real with and talk about the ups and downs.

How much time do you take out for yourself? When was the last time you pampered yourself? Often we are grouchy because we are lacking a little time out.

Forget all the housework for an hour or so and take a long bath, go to a coffee house or what ever makes you feel happy. Do this at least 4 times a week ( I recommend daily). DO NOT feel guilty about it - you are doing something very important for yourself and your family when you keep up with your self-care. Give your husband time to do the same and you will both be happier in day to day life.

You have to make a decision to not do it. You can choose how you are going to react to situations. You need to control your emotions, not let your emotions control you. In the scenario that you gave of your husband being late last night, I am sure that if you had thought about it for a minute when you started feeling yourself getting mad, you could have talked yourself down. Ask yourself, is this worth it? Is this situation worth using my energy to be mad about? It takes A LOT more energy to be mad about the situation, than it does to be sympathetic to him when he gets home. I am sure that he did not WANT to be late coming home.....although if you keep reacting that way, that may change! Get your emotions under control......you are the only person who can do that.

Yes, being grumpy is a choice, having emotions is not! You sound hormonal. Take a deep breath and try to relax. Trust me, it's your prego hormones! I've been pregnant 7 times and hormonally know that being pregnant can make you feel crazy and grabby and so on!
Try to recognize those moments and walk away. I think you'll find that you feel better just getting a break!

The fact that you don't like the way you are acting suggests to me that you are NOT choosing it. Everyone else has talked about the real effects that hormones and stress have on a person and it is true. Even positive stressors like a new pregnancy can impact mood--as can the fact that you are bereft of a social support network and having a second child.

When I'm feeling generally irritable I often tell my husband I'm not in a good space and it's amazing how much just saying it out loud helps me feel better-it's like I'm inviting him to help me battle my bad mood and I'm not alone in it. Plus it clues him in so he can offer to help or give me a hug or something. If I'm irritated with him I'll try to use an "I feel" statement. "I FEEL irritated WHEN you are late BECAUSE then I have to do all the work and I NEED you to call if you are going to be more than 15 minutes late." That way it's about my feelings and my needs and I'm not pointing fingers at him.

I also notice that when I get together with other people that it's harder for me to be in a bad mood that day or the next. So anything you can do to beef up your social support might help. Or maybe some temporary counseling to get you through this period might help--someone to "vent" to other than your husband.

Congrats on your pregnancy and keep posting--we are here for you!

As hard as it seems sometimes to snap out of a bad mood or that ill feeling, I once heard - WE control our emotions/THEY don't control us and it's an effort sometimes to control them but it can make a difference when you work at it, even slightly. Hormones can definitely make a BIG difference though. I am not a teary person and when pregnant, I cry during commercials on tv if they were the slightest bit touchy. Would make me crazy and family would just shake their head at me and laugh .. I knew it was hormones bad! Good luck!

When I was pregnant with my second, and again with my third, little things could really set me off. My husband has the patience of a saint! But I found one thing that really helped: communication. Over-communication, to be more precise. If he was coming home late, he had to call as soon as he knew. If he wanted to do something, I needed to know at least a day ahead of time.

It wasn't that I was trying to "keep track" of him. It was so that I could adjust my mindset and my planning so that I wouldn't get angry, frustrated, upset, etc. It also helped him see how very much our lives are intertwined, and how very much I need him. It was good.

But every now and again I had to be a little sneaky... if he had serially forgotten to let me know what was going on, or planned several things in a row without letting me know, then I would "forget" what time it was at work and come home late. Of course, I always acted surprised when he was upset, wondering where I'd been. ;)

I know what you mean about not wanting to blame it on pregnancy hormones... but... it probably IS related to your pregnancy. Not JUST hormones... but you are probably more tired than usual due to your body compensating for growing the new little one inside you. You may not even be sleeping as well. And then, well... you have those hormones fluctuating too. So, yeah.. they are probably partly to 'blame'... though doing so feels like a "cop out". So to be proactive... stop yourself and think: "Will this MATTER a month from now? Really?".. and if the answer is "no"... then you have told yourself that it really isn't worth the effort to get worked up over. Save your energy for the more important things.

I always say that happiness is a choice and you can choose how you respond to a situation. That being said their are sometimes when life punches us in the gut so to speak. I try to be reasonable in both my response and the length of time I allow myself to wallow. Then I choose that this is a new moment, hour or day and pull myself up by the boot-straps and move forward.

I am in a similar situation. I have a 20.5 month old and am too 14 weeks pregnant and hubby and I are both employed full time. I find I too am a little more sensitive due to feeling tired. I try and deal with things in small increments in time. Such as what do I need to accomplish today, this morning? Can I combine trips? Is it a priority or just a want?

I have always tried to live in the mind-set that hubby can not read my mind. I only put expectations on myself. Then ask when I need help and share what priority level it is to me and why. It usually helps him meet my needs.

I am not sure if my train of thought is useful to you. I hope that someone here shares a kernel of wisdom for you so you can enjoy your growing miracles and reduce your stress. Your stress reduction will be a gift to the four of you. Best wishes.

It is a choice, but it is ALSO, hormones.

You are pregnant.
You cannot turn that 'off.'
Hormones go crazy. You cannot stop it.
So your Husband, needs to understand that. Which many men do not understand. They do NOT understand, the hormonal basis, for how it affects women.

With me and PMS... I can TELL, when it is Hormonal irritations, or just regular irritations. I can just feel it in my blood and system.

Sure, try not to take it out on others.
When you feel like that, step away... go somewhere else in the house. SAY you are feeling irritable/stressed, and sequester yourself someplace else. And do something calming.

Again, Hormone based moods/irritations, are not something you can just turn off. It is not 'attitudinal'. It is biological based.

You are pregnant.
This happens.

This too shall pass... those words get you through a lot, especially when kids are young. When you start feeling like you want to scream, count to ten, think of something funny and then laugh. Write journals or blogs to let out the feelings, that helps.

I was in you situation about 6 months ago. I felt I was loosing it. I decided on night I have to take heart. So I would say a phrase I'm to blessed to be stressed. I'm to blessed to be stressed. I would repeat it very slowly even when I didn't feel blessed. Over time, it made me realize I was in deed very blessed. Hang in there, sometimes we just have to look for our happiness. I know it can be hard. But just know your not the only Mom who is over welmed and unhappy. Too blessed to be stressed,