Am I over Doing It?

You don't sound wrong to me at all. I'd throw a fit. I'm going through a somewhat similar thing with the husbands xwife. She still wants him. Bleh You know what sister, say what you feel and thing. You only live once and desirve to be happy. Good luck to you.

I don't think you are over reacting at all. I was in a very similar situation where I was the one talking to "friends" at work and online. I didn't realize how much of an impact it had on my husband until we went to marriage counseling. There are two books that really helped us out. One is called "Boundaries in Marriage" and the other is called "His Needs, Her Needs". See if he would be willing to at least read the last one. (It isn't very long, but is a great book for any married couple.) It may open his eyes to what is going on and how it makes you feel. I am a firm believer in marriage counseling - I almost didn't make it to my second anniversary, but this year makes 8 and I've never been happier. Best of luck to you!!!!!

My best advice, don't stay with him for the kids, you are not doing them any good being with their father if you are always wondering and unhappy, they sence it!!!

Good Luck,
L.

A marriage is built on trust not lies. Sometimes it takes others longer to grow up than others and yet some never do grow up. Get involved with people that have families here. Moving is an adjustment and maybe you all just need to focus on where you are now instead of where you use to be? Sounds like you have reason to be questioning things if you have caught him in his own lies. However the best way to resolve any issue in a marriage is communication- even if it means you may not like what you think your going to hear. Don't assume with out facts though. Best wishes! C.

Julie,

You can't force you husband to respect you, love you, nor honor you. You can't make your husband change, change has to come from within. Be careful because your snooping just make him become more rebellious. By accusing, my making a scene will not gain you the respect, honesty, and openess you want the relationship to have. It will take love and patience.. and even then it may not be enough.

By what you wote both of you are in the wrong. His wrong is that he is not upfront and honest with you, your is that you don't trust him enough that you will go through his e-mails out of curiosity - bold enough to reply to it.

Julie, your instincts are good. The warning bells are valid. Out of respect for you, his marraige and his kids he should not be e-mailing this old flame, nor lying and hanging out with single 'buds' to go parting. Yes, at 38 you would think he would grow up..... HOWEVER... It is how you respond that is also important and you really have to watch it.

If you are a praying woman, I would say to pray each time you get these feelings and ask God to uncover the truth of the matter. That God also order your words and move on his heart.
You may have to give him enough slack to pull himself back in, or hang himself with it.

Most of all you will have to live with you... make sure you don't say, do, or act in any way that you'll regret. If you love him don't do anything rash, not act without thinking.

I'll be praying for you.
R.

Wow, Julie.

I do not think you are overdoing it. As women we have a strong sense for things, and if you sense that something is not right, it probably isn't. You should try to sit down with your husband when the kids aren't around and talk to him. Remember to use words such as, "I feel" because you don't want to go off accusing him of anything, because that may make things worse. You may want to also look at some counseling services. Good luck to you. I will say a prayer for you.

Your husband is 38 years old, he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions. If he's flirting with this woman, that doesn't mean that he's going to cheat, but it's also not a good sign. Also, if his "friends" are encouraging him to lie to you...what else are they encouraging him to do???? I'm a strong believer in married couples having married friends. Then, hopefully, they'll be less likely to get themselves into hard situations. However, a hard working man deserves to go out and get a drink with his buddies...although, if you have to fly to get there, I don't suggest it...let him know how you feel, but don't overdue it, you'll end up pushing him away. You need to have some trust that he'll do the right thing, and if he doesn't then you are better off without him. Having these uncomfortable feelings are also triggers. They trigger distrust and jealousy. You may not think you're jealous now...but if things keep going the way that they are going, it'll end up that way. You'll end up pushing the wrong button, and he'll either cheat out of spite, or you'll loose him to his friends because of how they percieve you. A man's friends can be the enemy, or they can be your best friends too. Single, player types are not the best for your man to hang with, that's for sure, but strong minded respectful men are. There is a saying, it goes like this..." If you want to know what kind of man you're with, look at his friends ". GOOD LUCK!

Hello. About your message. Your feelings are what they are. If something is causing you to feel that way, there is a reason. I help facilitate a marriage class at church called "Dynamic Marriage" with my husband and you and your hubby sound like a perfect couple for the course. You can also help yourself by getting a copy of the book, His Needs, Her Needs too. It is GREAT! I can even loan you mine if you want! Just let me know. I cannot tell you what to do, only suggest that you sit and openly discuss what you are feeling with your husband without argument. I can recommend an excellent marriage councelor too if you'd like. PLEASE do not just dismiss what is going on. The way for either partner to affair-proof their marriage is to have open conversation, take the option of divorce completely off of the table, and respect your spouse enough to avoid things that cause pain to the other. You have 2 children that are more aware of what is going on than you know (I was that kid once) - protect them by loving each other and working this out! Pray hard! God is on your side! Peace - M.

Yes, you do sound like a jealous wife, but not in a bad way. Your husband and his friends have given you just reason to be jealous and concerned. I would have a serious talk with him (your husband) if I were you. Not a screaming, crazy talk, but a real heart to heart. You need to tell him what it is that bothers you and why. This is the only way to reconcile this issue. If you do not do this now, you might blow up at him and make him feel justified in leaving you. Do it for your boys.

My husband travels alot too. He was very insensitive to how lonely I was when we first moved here but after six years he has gotten alot better(with much nagging).

As far as your husband's behavior, it sounds deplorable to me but I guess I'm only hearing your side of things. My only advice is to ask him to see a marriage counselor with you so you can both get a third party's opinion on everything. Maybe if a professional told your husband he's being unreasonable it would hit home more than you saying it and if you are being a nag (which I don't think so) then the counselor can tell you that too).

I know how lonely it can be in a strange town by yourself. We moved here from Boston and I am just now starting to make some worthwhile friends and its been six years...granted I am kind of shy and it takes me a while to fit in anywhere. But I strongly believe that us moms need a night out every now again and more importantly need good friends. I am available. I love a good movie Fridays is one of my favorite restaurants. I attend First Baptist Church in Conroe and they have a great children's program. good luck.....

T.

No your not. sit him down and talk to him. I have two boy's too and my husband was always with the guy's.I sat him down and had a good talk. In a marrige trust,love and honesty is key to a happy marrige.On some days I would find a sitter and go with him..

It doesn't seem as if you are overdoing it. I am sorry you have to go through this but your husband's behavior and his friends behavior is innappropriate. He is getting really close to crossing the line or perhaps has already crossed the line. As a divorce attorney, a little advice- save copies of those email correspondence.

Hello, my name is L. and I'm also from California.. my husband is in the service USCG... we've been living here in Metairie for about 2 years now... I'm sorry to hear what has been happening with your situation... I would think it would be okay to go out and hang with friends ... but I really don't think you're over doing anything... and No you don't sound like a jealous wife... Your husband should respect the fact that he's married.. he may flirt a little but everyone flirts once in a while.. but your husband's friends should also respect the fact that he's married and respect you too.. he shouldn't be lying to you at all.. are you okay with him hanging with friends in LA ?? if not,let him know... if you have concerns let him know also.. See I had a lot of guy friends in Cali .. when we still lived there and my husband was at "A"school.. I would tell him everything that I did... I would go on lunch dates with my guy friends ... Trust is a real be issue.. and being open and honest too... his friends shouldn't be asking him to lie so he can go out and "play".. that I think is very immature.. don't be to aggressive when you talk.. just let him know that it's okay with you that when he goes to LA and hangs out with friends just don't lie about it.. that just makes things worse..(I think).. As for me I really don't keep secrets from my husband unless it's a surprise for him.. keeping serious secrets like talking to a girl that's attracted to him may become a big issue... But like I said before... don't be aggressive... HOpe that helps a little...

Trust yourself, your meters are reading alert for a reason!!!!
You have gottn a lot of advice and take all with a grain of saltt you know your life and your husband better than any of us. I was able to salvage my marriage after 5 years of cheating, if there is anything I can do for you please feel free to contact me.

Unfortunately, men do perceive situations as you describe in your life differently than we women do. I think if you look him in the eyes and tell him how you feel when he does such and such (or doesn't do) it will sink in. If he has a soul at all and really wants to be married to you he will change his behavior to help you and your marriage. Even if he disagrees with you about his intentions, if he wants your marriage to work, he will listen to you.
My husband had looked at porno on the internet for several months. I found out when I was clearing out some temporary files. I confronted him and got nowhere, he just thought I was making a big deal over it. After a while longer, he still didn't see the big deal until I told him how BETRAYED I FELT! And how I felt like he was comparing me to these women, etc. He said there was no comparing, nothing like that...I told him he wasn't LISTENING to me. He was defending himself while he should have been listening to how I FELT when he did that. THEN he got it. We have not had any of those problems since. I'm sure my husband still thinks he wasn't doing anything wrong, but he apparently wanted our marriage to work.
Maybe that will help. Look him in the eyes and just tell him. Calmly.
I wish you well.
Shannon

I don't think that you are overreacting at all. I mean by the time a man is married and has kids, the partying and hanging out with the guys should pretty much stop, or at least include you and the kids. my husband went through this early on in our marriage. I was the one who was commuting to and from work. I basically worked in Mexico and then commuted back on the weekends. So when we finally had kids, I basically just reminded him that he had a new way of life and if he wanted to continue with his single man habits, then whatever he could do I could do as well. So I started taking me weekend getaways, even if it was leaving the house for the whole day and coming back later that evening and leaving him with the responsibility of the house and kids. Men talk big talk that they can handle it, but in reality, they can't.

I hope things are better and venting always helps!

Hi. I don't think that you are in the wrong except maybe for e-mailing his friend back. His friend obviously doesn't have any respect for your husband or his family if he is asking him to do that. I went through the same thing with my ex-husband when we were married. All of his friends were unmarried and had no children. We were married and had three children together. He still chose to lie to me and party with his friends and who knows what else. We ended up getting divorced for several reasons but this was one. He couldn't settle down nor did he want to until I divorced him. That's life though, you don't know what you have until it's gone. We went through several fights and separations too so it's not like I didn't give him a chance. Anyway, I'm not saying you need to divorce your husband but, maybe if you two talk about things and see what exactly is the problem, you can figure something out. Maybe it would be better if you and he did things together and kind of rekindled the relationship. Having children puts a great stress on a marriage. But then again, if he has always been this way, you usually can't change a zebra's stripes (if you know what I mean). Do you go to church? If so, marriage counselling is always a good idea. Even if you don't think you need it. Talking together or separately with your pastor or priest is very helpful. If it is bothering you this much, you need to start doing something about it. You need to try to save your relationship if it is possible. If not, again, that's life and you're better off without him if he can't see what he has right in front of him. I would do whatever you can to try to save the marriage though. Don't bother talking to his friends because they won't understand if they are without families themselves. It will only make matters worse because then his friends will try harder to get your husband to lie and cheat. I hope everything works out good for you. Just remember to stay strong and take care of your children.

God Bless,

M.

Hi, Julie.

I do NOT feel you are overdoing it nor are you a jealous wife. I think that your husband does need to grow up and learn that his partying days are over and he is now a family man and needs to act like it.

I do believe that you both should be able to have friends that you go do "girl" or "guy" things with, but that should be both of your friends and friends that RESPECT you and your marriage. I would not mind if my partner (I am currently single) went out with the guys every now and then to go to watch a game or even go hunting. You too should do the same with your friends... or even couple/family outings.

People (men/women) need to stop thinking the grass is always greener on the other side...it is NOT! Men and women are so quick to get a divorce because they feel their needs aren't being met...well you know what marriage and any relationship for that matter takes work...it is NOT easy and it is a daily learning experience...we do not get a manual with kids nor when we getting married, so we have to take it one day at a time and not RUN when we don't get our way or trade in for a newer model.

I realize that your husband is providing a life for you and your boys, but he also needs to realize that while he is in LA working you are basically a single mom doing everything and he should help you out by taking some of the burden off of you when he is home. By helping you and allowing you to relax and feel like you are in a partnership you may be able to let him see ALL HIS OPTIONS ARE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF HIM! :)

I am no way someone who knows it all...I just know that when I get married again (would be the 2nd and LAST time) it will be for life and I am making sure NOT to settle for just anyone. (Please know that I am not saying you did) I have to daughters (soon 2 B 17 and a 2 1/2 yo) and I have to consider them and who I bring into our lives.

Like the others before me who wrote you, I believe that you do need to pray to the Good Lord and asked him for guidance. He will answer your prayers and show you the way.

I am not sure what side of town you are on, but if you need a baby sitter so you and your husband can go out or if you just want to go to the mall or meet you can e-mail me at ____@____.com though I have a girl the kids can play together too.

Bless you and your family,
G.

Hi Julie, You have gotten lots of responses on this subject and here is just one more. You have the right to be jealous because he is GIVING you a reason! Your husband needs stop taking you for granted! How would he like it if YOU were the one talking to an old flame? How would he like it if HE found out you had friends that encouraged you to lie to him? Or if YOU were that one that traveled? How well would he handle the situation? Sometimes we have to put them in our shoes in order to get them to understand. This is easier said than done. But it works! On the other hand, it is much better for the soul and your family to just pray. God can change anything.

No hun, you are NOT overdoing it. Your husband is disrespecting both YOU and your KIDS!! Your husband needs to get his priorities in order. If not, then why torture yourself?

No. I don't think that you are overdoing it. What you need is the truth. If he chooses his friends over you and your child, then you don't deserve him unless you can totally change his mind to think that the family should come first.

If he can't commit to you and is acting like someone that is still in high school, (even though he did when you two got married.), you need to let him know that he needs to grow up, since he is a father and a husband. I would talk to him again.

Even though, you heard the information through his friends, you need to see it for yourself and think about what would be best for yourself and your child, not them.

Him being sorry will not probably change the way he is doing things. If he keeps talking to that girl, after he said that he was sorry, you know that something is wrong.

But, if you do need anything, just give me a ____@____.com the way, my name is S. Brooks and I have a 6 year-old son named Zachariah.

P.S. In my opinion,you are not a jealous wife, you are a concerned wife and mother.

You have a right to be concerned. It is time for your husband to grow up. But at the same time you can't force him to grow up. Communication is the key to your relationship. You need to let him know in a very clam manner that you are uncomfortable with him being away partying with other women. Let him know what he means to you. How important he is to you. Not only that, actions speak louder than words. When he is home with you and the boys make your time special. Make sure that you have alone time with him before he leaves on business trips. I don't know if you wear makeup or do anything fancy to your hair. But I do this every morning I start my day by showering putting my makeup on, fixing my hair. It doesn't matter if I am doing yard work, going shopping or just hanging out cleaning the house or whatever. I always make myself look my best no matter what. I do my best to look as good as I did when he and I got together. Which means he almost never seen me without my makeup on. I don't badger my husband when he wants to go hang out with his best friend who is a single guy. And yes they go to the bars. But my husband knows that no matter what I will be there waitng for him. He keeps his distant from other women because I make sure he stays satisfied. He is also afraid of the diseases that are out there. I did have my times early on in our relationship where I questioned his loyalty. But I had to decide where did I want our relationship to go. And when I started working on myself and how I related to him in all matters, without fighting, which is not always easy to do. You must learn self control. It totally won him over. Now when he is out with the guys He tells them things like,"I have the greatest wife, why would I want to screw that up for some cheap thrill." But what's more Is He means it. So give your husband the beautiful wife he married. Remind him why you married. Yeah it's hard when you have little children. But if your husband is worth anything, he will realize how wonderful he truly has it. And what a great wife he has.

Dear Julie:
Each fact by itself is not necessarily bad, but combined it would make me wonder, too. If he just hangs with his friends, why lie about it (unless you are overly clingy and he knows you won't let him go)? If that girl doesn't mean much to him, why can't he let her go (unless he sees her at work, then you cannot totally avoid it)? Weigh each fact with his probably line of thinking. He may not cheat, but he should take you and your concerns seriously. BTW, if he DOES cheat, he won't use his e-mail - he'll have a Yahoo or Hotmail account for that...

When I was married, she first went out - three times a week - with 'friends', then conveniently stripped her ring off before leaving, then changed her taste in music and venues, then, then, then (fast forward) young guy in a hotel room. We divorced over that. My point: If you can find out the problem (if any) early enough by talking to him, you can work it out. You cannot make him stay, but you can make him decide what he wants. Keep in mind that it could be something small, but I would not totally ignore it. If he is straying or about to, you are better off to build a new life with your kids. The hurt gets bigger the longer it drags on.

By the same token, scrutinize your own behavior - perhaps he just needs some happy hour time. If so, give it to him, and you should see a happier man WANTING to come home more often.

W.
(Father of 8-y.o. boy)

Hey. I really know what you are going through - & I've just read all of the replies... I think that it's probably not that you really want all of us to analyze the situation & tell you yes or no you are crazy - but more that - you want to be heard b/c he is definitely not listening to you. (but I don't think you are crazy at all - b/c that would mean i am crazy too b/c i'm in a very similar situation)
I just read this article that I remember seeing on tv one morning on the Today show... read it when you have time... it's very helpful in relaying the message but only useful to him if he is open to listening.. and i'm guessing he's not ready to listen. He's prob still in denial & might be in denial for awhile... but if there's a chance he might listen - read this & then try to get him to read it. Maybe it's not an "ex" for him - but it does explain more or less how you (we) view the situation.

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/13844068/?ice=nbc,mn,relate,ls,tout

Email me anytime you wanna talk - I've been married twice for a total of 12 years... two different relationships.. two different situations... I'm no expert but I'm definitely not the "crazy-psycho-jealous-wife" either.

I just can't get over the fact that his so-called "friends" had the nerve to call you a psycho jealous wife, after you just caught him trying to get your husband to lie to you!! That is definitely no friend - and he definitely has no clue about what it takes to be in a marriage (with kids no less) and have respect and trust that needs to be earned, especially if broken before...

Hello Julie! No you are absolutely NOT overdoing it! I ran into the same situation with my husband. We have been married for 7 yrs and last year he got promoted which place him in the field meeting new clients and so forth. The lifestyle of his coworkers and clients he was seening was not what he was used to being around. Long story short he started "hanging out" more with these people, going out after work and so forth. I was never comfortable with the situation but every time he said everything was fine. We're talking coming home after 11pm or 12 at night. Well, inappropriate relationships developed and things "blew up". He came clean on his own one morning after one of these late nights and said he never thought it would get out of hand. This almost ruined our marriage but we were able to work through it and his work habits changed and he removed himself from certain people and situations. Things are great now AND he's more productive which has increased our income! You must confront your husband and express your concerns and fears for him, yourself, your kids and your marriage. If he is unwilling to listen and blows you off then you better prepare yourself becuase there is probably more going on than he wants you to know. He's may not be doing it to hurt you but there is a high and excitment that he gets that keeps him wanting more. It's almost like a drug and it becomes an addiction. Your best defense is to be firm but loving and try to understand what has led to this point. Work it out. Good luck

No, your not overdoing it at all. Your husband sould be more respectful of your relationship and you. My husband travels 2-3 days a week also and we have a 1 and 3 year old. I trust him completely because he is an adult and he behaves like one. But if my intuition told me something was awry I would follow it, because I dont trust some of the poeple he works with, like you.

Your husbands friends are younger, single and childless and he is comparing himself to them to your marriage's and your childrens detriment. He needs to realize that when he gets on a plane he is still a married father with all the responsiblities that go along with it. Both of you need to take time to uncover what is really going on and then find solutions to this problem.

I would also recomend that both of you schedule a date night with each other (no kids) at least twice a month so that you can reconnect and have fun together (this has been a life saver for us). And he should find some dad friends in Houston that arent as slimy as his present "friends"

Sorry your going through this, all marriges are work. We've been married 9 years now and there were alot of times I told myself that our lives with each other were better thatn with out one another even if it was a slim margin. email me anytime

No your not go with your guts!!! Email me anytime ____@____.com

honey you can't make other people grow up! you can not make them change all you can do is take care of youself. change the tables around (if this was your daughter & she came to you and told you this about her husband) what would you say to her? take your own advise J.

Julie-
I completely understand where you are coming from. I feel the same way. I have been through some of the same situations except my husband and I are from here. I don't think you are at all over doing it. I am 26 and my husband is 33, but he still acts like he is single when he goes out and when he gets around his friends. I hate it, sometimes I think it will be the death of our marriage. We have been married for 3 1/2 years and I feel like this will never change. I think you have every right to to feel the way you do especcially after he has lied to you and then the e-mail. Don't let that creep of a friend let you second guess yourself. Just remember, A woman's intuition is always right. If you would like to talk more, feel free to email me.

Hello fellow Californian. I just moved here myself about 2 weeks ago from San Diego. We love it in Mandeville although my 3&4 year old girls are having a tuff time adjusting. My little one most of all.

I wanted to share a bit of something with you. I use to be in your husbands role. I didn't think there was anything wrong with talking with other males who were not married because they were my friends or exboyfriends who have become family friends i.e my brothers best friends. And on occassion I would chat with them or hang out every once in awhile and when my husband would mention something to me about my relationship I would respond defensively not thinking anything was wrong with it. Just this January we started to seek marriage counseling. One reason was because we had tons of stresses with our ideas of moving to LA and home businesses,etc that we weren't communicating properly anymore. We were talking at each other instead of to each other.

Anyway, therapy has helped me to see my husbands views on things and visa versa. Now I understand and don't talk with those individuals anymore and it doesn't bother me. I personally think you did step over the line by replying to the email. I personally think that you should have brought that up to your husband instead but I understand why you did it and I don't think you're psycho. I think you're trying to protect your life investment. Dr. Phil says it right when he says that the best thing for parents to do is to be a good model for your children no matter what the situation is. I believe that to be true.

Sometimes we think we're communicating effectively when all we're really doing is the opposite. Just a suggestion, seek marriage counseling and in a nonconfrontational way, using choice words that won't put a person on the defensive, find a way to get to you're husbands core in order to make him realize what he's doing is messing with his kids lives. Not yours, not his but his kids future.

Good luck!

Let me tell you, I use to be just like you and it turns out that the reason I would catch my husband in lies is because he knew I would fight with him about it if he told me the truth. The other woman, well, you just have to trust him. Let him do whatever. If he loves you and the kids, then it is inoccent. If you find out something has been going on, then no he doesn't love or respect you the way he should and you should move on. I have to say, though, unless someone is in your shoes, knows your husband the way you do, and all the circumstances surounding the whole ordeal, it is really hard to offer sound advice. Just dont be too pushy, you dont want to come off as nagging (not saying you are, or anything). Other than that, follow your heart. One thing you could try is asking him to watch the boys when he is home so you can go out, just to see how that goes over with him. If he doesn't like that idea, you can use it as an example of how you feel when he does the same to you. You sit at home and "babysit" so he can go "do his thang". Some times that can put a whole new perspective one things.

NO JULIE YOU ARE "NOT" OVER~DOING IT!
SOUNDS LIKE YOUR HUSBAND WANTS A FAMILY + PARTY!
HE WILL HAVE TO CHOOSE 1 OR THE OTHER!, AND AS FAR AS THE
GIRL HE IS TALKING TOO, THAT IS A BIG!!! NO NO!
THAT COULD LEAD IN TO SOMETHING OR ALREADY IS SOMETHING AND YOU
JUST DON'T KNOW! PSYCHO JEALOUS WIFE, NO WAY ARE YOU THAT!
"YOU" ARE JUST KEEPING YOUR EYES OPEN!! AND NOT BEING DUMB!
OBVIOUSLY YOUR HUSBAND HAS DONE SOMETHING AND HAVING GUYS COVER FOR HIM! THAT IS NOT GOOD! I WOULD BE CHECKING CELL PHONE BILLS/HOTEL BILLS ALSO! MAKE SURE HE IS NOT STARTING ANOTHER FAMILY WITH SOMEBODY ELSE ALSO, I HAD A FRIEND THAT WENT THROUGH THAT, HER HUSBAND TRAVELED GOT SOMEBODY ELSE PG, AND THEN WENT BACK HOME TO THE OTHER STATE HE HAD HIS OTHER FAMILY IN! VERY SAD DEAL, EVENTUALLY IT ALL CAUGHT UP W/HIM!
HE LOST HIS ORIGINAL GOOD FAMILY!, KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE SOME KIND OF EDUCATION/JOB TO FALL BACK ON! DON'T DEPEND ON A MAN'S INCOME TO HELP YOU! GOOD LUCK ~.......

YOU ARE RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT. Your husbands behaviour is totally inappropriate, and I have had some personal experience with junk like this.....do something about it now. Talk to him, get help, something. You would be foolish to ignore it...if you need to talk you can email me at ____@____.com

Girl, I hate to be a burden of bad news, and this is actually my first post I am responding to, but I am just going through this, but worse. My husband (soon-to-be-ex) also had a girl "friend" he talked to. I wanted to be the not-jealous, trusting wife, and my husband was the last person on earth I thought would ever cheat. He hated cheating movies because it glorified cheating. Either way, phone calls to her started getting longer and more frequent, and I guess I should have really known something was up when 4+ pages of our cell phone bill were to this woman. Either way, I started nursing school in April, and he admitted to me in June that he had been sleeping with her since 1 week after I started nursing school.

What I am trying to get to here, is that before, I was the "cool wife" that let my husband have his freedom. Even his family told me I should not be letting him talk to other women. But I stood up for him and defended him, telling them I trusted him. But it comes down to what they told me. If he has a lady friend whom he talks with, and you aren't doing something for him in particular (let's just say, for instance, you won't give him a massage), then he goes and talks to his lady friend about it to gripe. As time goes on, conversations with the "friend" grow longer, and he gets his needs met by her (conversating needs and so forth). This in turn leads him to begin to pull away from you. If he talks so much to another lady, he may not feel like talking to you anymore. As he talks to her more, and you less, the feelings he has tend to gravitate toward her and away from you. This is how my butthead husband worked. He had been falling out of love with me for a couple of years (the same amount of time he developed "lady friends"). Meanwhile, I was totally shocked when he admitted he was having an affair with her and didn't want to be with me anymore. I really did not see it coming, although in the last few months (when I did see the pages long phone bill to her), I did tell him I was starting to get uncomfortable with their relationship, but he never offered to stop it.

So, I would LOVE to tell you it's completely innocent, and it may be right this second, but it is inevitable for it to end up like the above scenario. And I know I may seem pessimistic about this and of course biased, but it makes a lot of sense to me. And as I stated, it is almost impossible for a guy and girl to be friends when one is in a serious relationship. I would have argued otherwise a few months ago, but now I totally agree.

YOU ARE NOT OVER DOING IT! The issue isn't that he's talking to this girl. The issue is that he's lying and being secretive about it. One positive thing I can see in there is his friend telling him to lie. That could mean that your husband hasn't actually done anything, yet. Otherwise he wouldn't need that extra push. Now what to do about all this I couldn't tell you. Everyone has different limits so whatever you decide to do, just make sure you're comfortable with it.

Sorry you have to go through this.

You are not overdoing anything! That is twisted that his friends tell him to lie to you, even worse, he should not allow it! That puts your marriage in danger! He absolutely should not be talking to this woman behind your back-what is there to hide if they are just friends (and I'm sorry does not cut it). There appear to be a lot of trust issues, but your husband seems to perpetuate them by hiding things. Bottom line is he (his friends and this girl), need to respect your family and let you and your husband BE MARRIED. If your husband wanted to continue his partying, he should never have entered into this relationship or let it escalate into marriage. At some point, he needs to realize that his friends are not that important and what would he do if he lost you and his sons for his friends! Your husband needs to draw lines and boundaries with his friends and be more honest with you! Good Luck!

Absolutely not...you are not over doing it!!! You sound like the only adult in the relationship. Your husband should have the respect for his wife and family...as you should always come first!!!
My husband was a bartender in the beginning of our relationship (before kids) and would stay out after work to have drinks with co-workers. That's fine for me. BUT coming home at 4 a.m. is not---especially when he got off at Midnight. He wouldn't answer his cellphone when I would call. He would say that he didn't hear it. I told him that a married man has no business being out like that. I made a promise to him that if he wanted to be married then he would have to make a choice. I wasn't going to worry myself to death. I don't mind him going out with friends, but a reasonable hour is all I ask. I don't fight with him about it and he gave me the respect to be home with me.
Your husband should honor you not hide things from you. If his friends can't respect that then he doesn't need them IF HE WANTS YOU!!!

Hey Julie!

I dont think you are at all over doing it!!! He needs to look at what he has ( you and the boys ) and realize he has A LOT to loose!! My husband and I have been married for 3 years and I have been lucky that he has a job where he is home every night. We decided when we 1st got married that we needed to be around people that were happily married and not a bunch of single people. If we go anywhere we always together. I'm not saying thats what you need to do, i know your husband has to work in another state. But it does make our relationship a little easier. I dont think you are at all being jealous about him talking to this other girl. We have kind of a strange situation, before we were married he dated a girl for 3 or 4 years. She has been married now for about 5 years. He stayed close with her parents b/c they were basically like his 2nd mom and dad, but I was introduced to her after we had been married for about 6 months. Let me tell you it took all I had just to sit there when she came up and gave him a hug!! He's always told me they are just really good friends and thats it. He's friends with her husband also, but you always have that "what if" in the back of your mind. He had something for her before, is it still there a little bit? I guess the only reason I dont say much is because she is married, but i do catch my self looking in the phone records and checking his text messages. But I dont think its being jealous, its just being cautious. If you are really uncomfortable with him talking to her tell him. Honestly, if he really cares about you and your children he will stop. About the cheating, I've always heard if they start accusing you of it, they are probably doing it themselves. I have found that to be true once before with a guy that i was dating that had to work out of the state alot.

Well thats just my opinions, hope this helps!! I guess the best advice anyone can give is like many others have said, just pray! If the good Lord brings you to it, he'll bring you through it! If ya need someone to talk to you can email me ____@____.com

No...you are not overdoing it. Husbands like to blame us for being jealous and psycho...my husband used to tell me I was just so insecure about myself that's why I was so jealous. He brainwashed me into thinking I was the one with the problem and for so many years I believed it. You are going through exactly what I went through. I have been divorced now for 9 years and my children are now 16 and 11 and to this day, he has not learned to settle down and be a father. He comes to pick up the kids maybe 2 times per year. We married when we were 22 years old and stayed married until we turned 30. He never stopped wanting to party. I eventually stopped wanting to go out because I wanted to do things as a family but he constantly left us to either go play volleyball with his friends, or go to his brothers house to visit with them all day and night on the weekends and go out at night with them. I would always end up taking the kids out to children's places or the park by myself. It would hurt to see couples both interacting with their children and I would think why my marriage couldn't be like theirs. I started finding things out little by little. There was a girl who used to page him constantly and he insisted it was his male friends just trying to stir up trouble. Then he would literally live at his brothers house (he had 3 brothers) and girls would come in and out of there all the time. One of his brothers girlfriends told me there was a girl who he would spend so much time with there at his brothers apartment and also at the club where he would go with his brothers. But he insisted that because that girl had a crush on him didn't mean he felt the same. But the truth finally came out...he had been cheating on me throughout our marriage with several girls (young girls) until one got pregnant and that's when I got up and left. I moved back home with my dad. He never admitted to being the father of the child but after a couple of years of our divorce my son said that his dad told him that he had another little sister. It gets worse, but I don't have time to go into detail. I found out so many bad things about him that I still shudder to think I was living with this stranger who I thought I knew and who I thought loved me. He said and did everything right in the beginning that I never thought he was capable of cheating on me and living a double life.
I sometimes look back and think...if I knew then what I know now...I would have been smarter about it and not be so scared to leave because I thought if I left he would find someone else. And my kids would grow up without a father. I would have just said...'love isn't supposed to hurt' and I would have left him a long time ago. If your husband loved you he wouldn't hurt you and if he wants to keep playing, let him go. He'll either beg you back like they all do and you might consider giving him another chance or he will see this a chance to escape his responsibilities. If he doesn't want to be a husband and father, just file for divorce, that should wake him up. Let him know that you're serious.

I bought a house in Katy for me and the kids and we've been living there 4 years now. I never found anyone else because I haven't met anyone worthy of meeting my kids. I am 39 years old now and have never been happier. I feel my kids have suffered from the divorce but they would have suffered more had I stayed and chose to be unhappy the rest of my life.

Take care of yourself and I hope my reply has helped. Even if it's just to show you that you're not alone...there are many women that go through this. You need to be happy for your children. They are what matter most now.

okay, i am by no means an authority on this topic since i've only been married for 5 years, but i talked to my husband about this topic to confirm my thoughts. i felt that getting a man's perspective would be essential.
so, NO, NO, NO, you are sooooo not overreacting. in fact, you are being a lot more calm about this than i would ever be. it's actually all very, very simple. when it comes to you not being comfortable with his friends, and most definitely if there is a female involved, he needs to take care of your feelings above everyone else. afterall, that's what all of those vows were when you got married. my husband travels a lot too and a few times he and another female coworker had to work on a certain job and my husband would spend the extra gas and drive by himself rather than carpool and didn't spend extra time with her outside of work. one time they had dinner together and that just bothered me. i knew there was nothing going on, but we both knew that that looked wrong and just wasn't right. now, people may think that that's too much, but my husband and i made a pact that we would take care of each other like that the day we got married. no one can guarantee that they can be completely stoic when put in situations with the opposite sex. so we're careful to not even place ourselves in any situations that would even give the opportunity of having feelings.
anyway, you need to have a talk with your husband and not with anyone else. if he doesn't understand how it can damage your marriage for him to have this "other" life, then you need to try and explain it best you can. regarding your situation, my husband's answer was, "his wife should have the first place." i completely agree.
God be with you and your husband and children and i really hope it all works out.

Hi Julie! I don't think you are over doing it at all and I would get real mad if my husband lied to me. Lying like that is not healthy in a marriage. If he hasn't changed in four years, what makes you think that someday he is going to change? I know this all must be very hard for you and I really hope it works out for you and your family. But don't put up with someone not respecting you because you are better than that.

Good A.M. Julie!

Jealousy usually stems from insecurity about the relationship. I learned early on in my marriage that it takes work, ALOT of work. Simply because I walked down the aisle did not mean that it was downhill from there. I recently (4 weeks ago) sort of went through the same situation. While my son and I were at the beach house in Sargent, (he would meet us there Friday after work), he would go out on Thursday. I wanted to believe that he was being faithful, UNTIL he said he had dinner at Hooters and watched the bikini contest!! WHAT? A married man living the life of a single man!! Something wasn't right (DUH!) and I made it clear (in a unthreatening and unaccusatory way) that I found it inappropriate for a husband to have the actions of a single man. Things came to a head, he admitted that he was looking "at his options". WHY? Because he was not having his needs met at home. He did not "cross that line", but it was a wake up call for me. I know when a man is happy at home, from home he shall not roam. I realize that my husband, like myself has needs that makes one feel loved. Pray about your situation, ask God for clear direction and strength. Perhaps counseling is an option for you and your husband. Remember why you married him, and he you. There is nothing wrong with being jealous except to the point of breaking up a marriage. Trust, Respect and Communication!

Take care Julie!

I totally agree with you. You are married. If his talking to this other woman is no big deal than why is he hiding it?

Julie,
Why even have a marriage without trust. If you don't trust him, there is a reason. He has lied to you. Don't blame his friends -- blame him. Your husband is the one who should have allegiance to you and the kids, not his friends. Personally, I could not be in a relationship with such lies. Its a hard call -- only you can make that decision. But you CANNOT expect him to change. Only he can do that. And you knew who he was when you married him and had kids. Good luck. And email me if you need to -- ____@____.com as an attorney, I agree -- save the records.

L.

Hi there I just wanted to tell u that u are not over doing it just ask ur husband if it wuz the other way around u doing what he does if he would like it tell him he should be fair & if he goes out w/his friends & u stay home w/the kids then another weekend u can go out w/ur friends & he stays home w/the kids it's only fair don't u think but that's my oppinion I wouldn't know about anyone else.

HI JULIE,

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE WAY YOU ARE FEELING!!I BELIEVE THE SAME WAY THAT YOU BELIEVE.EVERYONE NEEDS GROW UP AT SOME POINT.I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU PUT UP WITH THIS.I WAS MARRIED BEFORE MY HUSBAND NOW AND HE WAS JUST LIKE YOURS.I PUT UP WITH IT FOR 4 YEARS AND HAD TWO CHILDREN WITH HIM AS WELL.I HAD FINALLY HAD ENOUGH AND HAD TOLD HIM HE COULDN'T HAVE BOTH LIVES BEING MARRIED AT HIS CHOICE AND THEN BEING A SINGLE MAN WHEN EVER HE WANTED.THEN I MET THE MAN OF MY DREAMS AND MARRIED HIM AND WE ARE HAPPY. I AM NOT TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO BUT SOME PEOPLE WILL NEVER CHANGE,HOPEFULLY YOURS WILL COME AROUND SOON.FEEL FREE TO E-MAIL ME AT ANY TIME I WOULD LOVE TO TALK.I JUST MOVED HERE MYSELF A YEAR AGO.

Hi J., First you are not over doing it, if he asks why you went through emails its because you are protecting your marrage. He is 38 start acting it, He might be going through a mid lifer. Comuinacation is first in a relationship, then trust, you should be his BEST FRIEND! Not im picking his friends over you. Be strong, Hold your ground. Let him know you are scared. Let him no your feelings, Let him see that you are not the only one thinking this.
Second Im from CA too... lol just moved to Spring last year. and heres the kicker...lol my name is J. as well...lol anyways keep ur head up smile and love yourself first.
J.

I for one do not think that you are over doing it. And you have the right to be jealous. He is your husband after all. What would he think if the roles were reversed? If he was only friends with the woman, then why lie about it. What is he hiding. He should have told you the truth since the beginning. You are his wife after all. He should consider your feelings. If you do not feel comfortable him talking to her than he should stop hanging around her. And you had a right to confront his friend about the email. And your hubby shouldn't have let him call you a psycho or any name for that matter. If he was his so called best friend then he should respect his best friend's wife. When your hubby decided to marry you and become a family, his partying days were over. I think that you should sit down and talk to him and let him know how you feel. Or give him some of the same medicine. I did.

I had the same problem with my hubby. He would go to work in the morning and not come home till 9 or 10 at night. He did this like 2 to 3 times a week. He would alway smell like alcohol. Only the men he hung out with were older men whose children were grown. Our children are 10, 8, 2, and 7 mths. He would pick his friends over me and my children also. He wouldn't take my son to his football practices like he would promise to do. Mind you it was just another task to do. Like if I didn't have enough to do. Now I am a very outspoken woman. I let him and his friends know that maybe they had no children to go home to but that he did. So I decided to do exactly what he did. Only it only took 2 weeks for him to see exactly what he was doing. Only that I went out 3 times a week for 2 weeks, but I did it only after my kids were in bed. And he started telling me that I had kids at home that I had to be a mother to (even though they were asleep when I was gone). So I told him that I was acting single just like he was. So eventually he apologized and things have changed. Now we do stuff as a family.

Hey if you ever need to talk email me to ____@____.com I think that we have some stuff in common. I am 33 with 4 children.