Am I Right to Stand My Ground?!

You did right because if she see's that she can get away with that kind of stuff now she will keeping doing it and she will start looking for other things she can try you with. And the older she gets the worse it will get. You have to show her who;s boss and that you are not to be played with, yes you feel bad but think of bow bad you will feel when's 8 and goes out in public and shows out on you or does something that is just too much. get a hold of her now before she gets ahold of you!!!! GOOD LUCK

First, allow me to say this...you need to take a deep breath. This is just the first of many situations that you are going to face. Children will ultimately test us on a daily basis.

That being said, there must be consequenses. You do what you need to. But remember to pick you battles down the road. The punishment should fit the crime and all that.

Hang in there.

S.

I know this is late...haven't checked my e-mail in a few days...but I say GOOD FOR YOU! in this day and age, it is very hard to find a parent willing to actually discipline their child!! I can't believe most parents around these days that let their kids get away with anything, and then in a really sweet voice say "that wasn't a very good choice" and think that that is punishment enough.
You are right that it should only be one toy...just enough to show her there are consequences...your hubby is a little overboard wanting all of them. She made a mistake, and needs a little reality...but doesn't need to have her life changed...after all...she is only 4...
keep up the good work...it is difficult...but in the end...when your kids are teenagers, and the worst thing they do, seems meaningless next to what other kids their age are doing...you'll feel proud knowing you stood your ground.

I can hear your anger and frustration. How upsetting it was to find things that you value destroyed. It is okay to feel angry about this, but sometimes when we are so angry about things we value, our needs not being met... we can view the reality through skewed vision.
I'd like to offer you a different perspective...
"totally unbearable. Defiant for no reason. Devious. Sneaky. Lieing."
The past couple weeks has left you with this view which has a bearing on your position. Which is okay... these are difficult behaviors and mothering is difficult. We need someone who can allow us to express these difficulties.
Anyway, back to the point.
Imagine being 4, lying in bed, unable to sleep, looking around, curious, you see the shade, and maybe remember something from a book, and think hmmm? I would love to make my shade pretty like that other one, (these are just ideas...) the point I'm making is that her state of mind is not that of a devious, sneaky, lying perspective. You are doing tough work, Mothering, going to school, a 2.5 year old and a 4.5 year old... it is difficult times just mothering... but the added stress of other things.
Has it been recent that you began going to school?
If the past few weeks has begun this difficult behavior.. it is clear that your daughter is trying to tell you something. Children have a great system for healing their hurts, they put them on the table. Often they put them there in a very difficult way for us parents to hear... but that is what they are doing. They don't know how to keep it inside, bottled up, to reason through it in their mind, they don't understand it enough to say "I feel sad that ...." So their actions become desperate attempts to get the bad feelings out.
I'm a parenting and communication instructor... teaching skills to parents on how to handle these exact difficulties in a loving way that helps the child work through them and grow.
So to your consequences for the action... Given the new perspective, you can view the consequences differently already. When children are punished.. with tangible consequences or just the withdrawal of love, they are forced into a corner of self-preservation. You are their life-line, and taking away your love or approval puts them in a scary, dangerous place. So yes, they will lie to keep your love... or they will rebel in attempt to protect themselves. Over-submission, or rebellion are neither good end results. So I suggest, giving her some empathy so she has a chance to release whatever is bugging her... such as.
"wow, you must have been really angry to do.... or you must feel very scared to tell me that lie..." after giving that empathy, give her some silence (while holding her close so she is safe) for her to talk and for you to listen. Whatever she pours out, you can empathize more with that. She may cry.. she may resist at first if this is new for her... don't give up... She needs you to "chase" her. Not literally but to really show her that no matter what icky stuff she feels, icky stuff she does, icky stuff she says... that you will still be there, that she is still safe and that you still love her.
I'd love to help more. Feel free to email me.
Merry Christmas...
B.

Hi,
I believe that tough love is just what she needs and you did well. I have been there and believe that this is a perfect learning opportunity for her while the stakes are pretty low (she isn't being arrested - LOL). My kids have done something similar and after/during the consequence time I realize that it is probably somewhat due to me getting too busy.

My oldest will take any kind of attention and sometimes that means destructing things so he gets in trouble (obviously). Once he knows the consequences and I know he has some remorse, I set out a goal for him to earn "special time". That is time where we can play anything he wants to one on one. That motivation sometimes eliminates the need to deal with negative behavior.

I hope that she learns from this incident. Also, I wouldn't worry too much about your sister-in-law's opinion, because you and your husband sound like you are on the same page and that's wonderful!!!

God bless and hope you have a nice Christmas.

C.

Stand your ground NOW! It's easier when they are 4, instead of 5 or 6 or 10 or 16. Give her 1 present and send the rest back. Treating her behavior with few consequences now will NOT make it better. It will make it worse. The problems will get bigger and bigger.

I think it is great that you are doing SOMETHING to discipline your daughter. And, I think consistency is SOOOO important, so, i think you need to do what you've told her you were going to, maybe a little less extreme like you explained, but so she can see that you are following through.

However, I do think that the discipline should be related to the "crime," as one mom said. So, I would say next time, take some time to think about what her consequences should be. It's ok to say to kids that you have to think about it. Then choose something when you're not so upset.

While I think that some behavior like this is "normal" for her age, it seems like she is very creative and is really trying hard to act out, so maybe try to think about what might be causing her to be so mischievious. Does she need more attention, is something wrong? etc. talk about it with her, when you're not upset...While it is normal for kids to act up and get into trouble, she is old enough to understand that is right and wrong and that there are consequences.

And, I just re-read the end of your post. You are not being "mean." discipline is not "mean," but part of parenting. Parents who do not give their kids consequences and give them too many freedoms are doing their children and the rest of society who will have to deal with the kids as selfish adults a disservice.

Keep in mind two things, one: you are not raising a child, you are raising an adult. And, two: no one else will love your kid as much as you do, and therefore will not put up with as much from her. If you don't teach her to respect YOU first and then others, she will have a VERY hard time later on.

God's Blessings!

I say go for it! Kids need to learn they're actions have consequences. I once took every single toy out of my little boy's room and didn't give any back until he showed me how he could bahave well. I then gave the toys back one at a time (one a day). When we got about half way through he started to act up again so I took them away again but for longer, it worked. He is generally a good boy who goes through phases now and again where he starts to get naughty and I have to nip it in the bud. He once burst a friends' helium birthday balloon so the next day we took some money out of his money box and went and bought her a new one and delivered it to her. My youngest this year ate half the chocolate from his advent calendar in one day so I took it away for a week, when he ate too much of it again it was gone for good. Every morning his brother gets to look inside and have his chocolate while he just watches.
I think you are doing the right thing, your daughter deliberately destroyed some things that she clearly doesn't care too much about so she needs to lose something that she will care about. She has to know you mean what you say. I'm sure she has plenty of other toys for Christmas anyway. Your sister-in-law is entitled to her opinion but she is your daughter, discipline her how you choose, don't let others tell you you're wrong.

Sounds like your daughter is angry about something. Often, children express their emotions in action (i.e. cutting the window shade). She may be overwhelmed by her feelings and not know how to talk about them so instead she shows you how she feels.

I suggest finding a nonthreatening way to help her talk about her feelings and what is going on with her. Perhaps you could tell her how you manage your negative emotions in hopes that she may open up. Also, have there been any changes or tensions in the house or in her world? That may also be a clue as to what is going on with her.

I think that taking all her presents back and admonishing her will make her feel isolated, confused, angry and not understood. By helping her find words for her thoughts and feelings, you may create greater understanding and closeness.

E.,

Good for you! Children need to respect the adults in their lives, and when you stand your ground thats exactly what she will learn. Too many parents are too wimpy to stand up and enforce the rules of the household, or (in my opinion) too lazy to make any rules in the first place.

In the long run you are doing her a huge favor, life is all about rules. Unfortunately when she is grown, people WILL hold her accountable for what she does, and to get her ready for that is not only our duty as good parents, but in the long run is kind, not mean.

I also agree with another post that said if you stand by what you said and she learns to respect that you won't need to enforce these kinds of things often. Kids will push parents exactly how far we will allow, and nipping this in the bud now will make for easier parenting and a happier, more peaceful home down the road.

I think that what you have decided to do as punishment is fine, as long as you follow through with what you've already told her. You are the mom, and you make the rules and along with that job you also get the responsibility of making the consequences, she will soon learn that to go against that is unpleasant and it is in her best interest to behave in an acceptable way. You want it to be somewhat unpleasant so you get her attention.

You know in your gut that you are right, don't let anyone else try to make you feel bad about it. God bless and have a Merry Christmas!

I am happy to see a mom who is willing to actually discipline their defiant child. I am appauled at how I see parent NOT follow through when the child needs discipline.

In your situation I think your idea about returning one or two toy when she is with you. That is a great lesson!

I don't know about removing all of her toys because that consequense is unrelated to the offense. I might have her sit in time out while you and your little guy do something fun together.

Let me tell you about an awesome website that I visit frequently. Is has faboulous ideas for training and disciplining children. Everything I read on it I say, "this is such good information!"
www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com

Good luck and don't let anyone discourage you from proper discipline. I see your heart is right since you posted your situation. I know you don't want to hurt your child by allowing her to be distructive and by not receiving appropriate discipline.

Many blessings
S.

I have to tell you that she is acting perfectly normal for a girl her age. At her age, my daughter cut her hair, cut all the hair off of her stuffed dog, and cut up several things in her room. At this age, they're very curious. They are asserting their independence and testing us! lol
I think you are doing the right thing by teaching her that if she chooses to be destructive, she won't be getting any new things. Try talking to her and asking her why she is behaving this way. Good luck! :)

E...yes, stand your ground! Has your child always been this way, or just recently? Sometimes if there is a change in the household, even if minor to you, might be major to her. Have you tried talking to her? Be open and communicate. Sometimes kids are bothered by things, and the only way to get attention is to act out. However, she needs to know that bad behavior is the wrong way. I speak to my kids only once..they need to know respect. Maybe if she knew how much it hurts (emotionally, of course) mommy and daddy to see how she is behaving, she would realize how she's behaving. Maybe with the Christmas presents, I would have kept them, however, put them in a closet or something. When she decides to behave properly, then you can talk about getting her presents out. After all, Christmas is about baby Jesus..not about gifts to ourselves!

I think taking back all of the presents is a bit extreme (why is the date off on this, it's still Dec. 25) but I agree with taking things out of her room. Make her earn them back. You also need to stand your ground on punishments. If she does something like that, you need to take a few minutes before you give her a punishment so that you don't go too extreme. Good luck and happy holidays.

It sounds like more than one thing may be going on here. First, she sounds smart and those are hard kids to raise. My oldest did destructive stuff at this age and is a doctor now and a wonderful, caring woman. Second, developmental things are happening. Kids this age like power. Third, is there anything happening that may be causing her to feel angry and needy of attention? Worth thinking about whenever any kid acts out. I guess I agree that you may be overreacting. As upsetting as all this is, she is still your beloved 4-year old and needs to know you're on her side and that, no matter what she does, you and Daddy love her a lot and will keep her close to you. Certainly this is exasperating behavior. She needs a lot of supervision. Time spend alone in her room is probably asking for trouble with a kid like this. Mine snuck in a red lipstick and wrote everywhere with it when I tried to force a nap. Also pulled down and tore up her shades etc. on another occasion. She is still pretty hyper, and that also may be a factor with your daughter.

Good luck to you and please try to create good memories over this holiday season. Dragging this on longer doesn't seem wise to me, but you'll have to do what you think is best. Certainly her dad's idea is way over the top. Cool off and calm down and supervise her closely and give her lots of hugs and quality time/talks. That' my advice.

Yes, E. stand your ground. Good for you! If not you've wasted your breath talking to her. If she gets away now, she'll expect it later when something else happens.

Please do not return all her presents. Of course you could give her some on Christmas and wait to give her the rest the next day or so, so she gets the point.

Hi E.,

One crime, one punishment. Otherwise you are teaching her that you're not fair, no matter what she does. Punishments don't just teach behavior, they teach justice. Pick the punishment that you think best suits the situation and carry that out. Save the others in your back pocket, it sounds like you will need them. Honestly, it sounds like you have a very bright and ambitious child (you might have to stand way back to see that one through the anger, but for her age, it really is ambitious!) You already took her toys away, that was an immediate act and punishment, that was your choice of punishment and you have to live with that choice. If you don't want to give them back to her, don't,make that the punishment, but don't keep adding on to it. If you want to raise kid's to share and give to others that are in need, teach them to give from the heart, not out of punishment. As far as returning the presents also, I can see justifying it to have money to replace the items she destroyed, otherwise, I'm concerned about the message: that when Mommy & Daddy are angry, it never ends and anything goes, look at it from her eyes. Sometimes the best thing to do in a situation when you don't know what the best way to handle it is to let them know that they will be punished, consult with dadddy, and then act. But your actions should be later that day, not days later. Just lay it down, and then move on. You are going to need your energy to figure out why she is doing this: is there something going on in school, is she just testing her wings? Good luck!

Yes, you are right to stand your ground...my granddaughter (same age) is trying some of the same things. Standing firm is critical. If not, the problems will get much worse..she will feel she is ruling the home. Try giving her options..she sounds like she wants to be in control, just like my granddaughter. They need us to use psychology on them. That way they "think" they are in control, but they aren't. You could say, You can do "this" or your could do "that" Which would you like? You choose. BOTH options need to be in Your favor, but she doesn't know it. You will be happy and she will be happy.
Blessings to you for standing strong!!
C.

You know what works best for your kids. My kids, I try to fit the punishment with the crime. For example, my almost three year old, took a crayon to the table. So I sprayed it down with a cleaner and she had to scrub it. It took her almost an hour to get off, but she did it all. She has also used sissors to cut a piece of her dolls clothes, so I took all the dolls clothes away and if she wanted them back she had to buy them from me (she gets money when she goes potty, we are still potty training). She has been able to buy two things back, but I still have 10 more outfits. I set a date and if she doesn't buy them by then, then they are donated. I think she is able to grasp the concept of all of this. She is well aware of what she did wrong and will even admit when she does it. My only advice is to be careful about taking the toys way...you may believe it or not run out of them to take away! LOL. If it fits the crime, then take it away...good job for you!!

I say "you go girl!" I would never be able to follow through with a punishment like that but it is sooo important to follow through with what we say otherwise it's just a big waste of time to even discipline! I think this will really show her that you mean what you say. And even if she was just doing it out of boredom or curiosity she is old enough to know when you say to stay in bed that is what you mean and not to play with scissors or things like that without mommy's help or w/o mommy knowing. If you go through with this punishment I will be proud of you!!

Hi E.,

You've certainly received a lot of thoughtful responses and there's so much here for you to digest. I'll try not to repeat what others have said, but will give you a few more opinions...

--Consistency and follow through are important. Even very young children are quick to catch on to parents who make idle threats. If you said you would be returning some presents to the store, then I agree that you should take her with you and return one or two presents (maybe not the one she was looking forward to the most, though). Before and after making the return, be sure you talk about it a lot so that she understands why you did it (maybe talk about the cost of replacing the shades) and be sure she KNOWS that you still love her and forgive her!! Also, since she is so young and this is probably going to be a difficult punishment for her, perhaps you could negotiate with her a way for her to earn back those toys that you've returned.

--I strongly disagree with the suggestions of donating her toys as part of the punishment. Returning 1 or 2 to the store is one thing, but don't donate them. You want to teach her to give for the joy of it. You do not want to equate giving to others with punishment and negative feelings. If you donate as a punishment, what happens when you want her to donate because she has too much and you want to teach her to share her "wealth" with others? IMO, she'll be feeling like she needs to hoard and protect her stuff and view giving up her stuff as another loss (like another punishment).

--Since you have not already told her that half her toys are going to the Salvation Army, I would forget about that entirely and let her start earning her toys back. Standing your ground and following through with consequences are important, but as others have said, she's probably too young for the delayed consequences. Also, if you get into the habit of giving huge, jaw dropping consequences for every infraction, you're going to be out of "ammunition" when the really big offenses occur (even though this seems like a big offense, think about it...it could be a lot worse, and as someone else said, she MAY have been coming from a perspective of boredom / curiosity, etc. and not sheer defiance).

-- You catch a lot more flies with honey than with vinegar. IMO, you've made your point with the punishments, but you also need to try to catch her being good and praise and reward her good behavior (positive reinforcement works better for most adults, as well). If she's feeling like she needs attention, she'll seek it any way she can, even if it's negative attention. Let her see that she can get positive attention by making good choices.

Ultimately, you have to do what you think is right. Don't worry about your sister-in-law's opinion. Good luck!

I would take back a gift for each offense. "This is because you lied" This is because you used scissors on your blinds" This is because of this.

Don't return them; donate them to a homeless shelter instead so she can see that there are those who'd appreciate them and not destroy them.

Explain that her poor behavior will result in her losing more and more. But do give her positive inducements to strive for. Explain good behaviors and what will earn her stuff back.

And keep all scissors and knives out of reach!

E.,
First,Happy Holidays to you and your family. Yes, I think you've gone to far. If you want to punish and change behavior you need to to do it the moment it happens. Your child is almost 5,not 25, she is not going to get it weeks after it happened. I think taking things from her room at the time was enough. I talk to kids in my job and they tell me their parents aren't going to give them their presents because they've been bad. Does it change behavior,hardly. Maybe it makes the parents feel better but it does little to drive home a point for a small child.The kids I see are in elementary school.I agree with the other mothers perhaps she wants your attention maybe something else is going on
find out and see what's happening with your child.
L.

We've always had solid rules for our children, with solid consequences. My mother-in-law always thought we were to harsh. My brother-in-law was the same way - until he saw our perfectly behaved daughters in a restaurant with some other children who weren't so nicely behaved. He realized why we are the way we are. We went to my dad's on Saturday for Christmas. Our youngest daughter was up WAY to early on Sunday, and woke up our oldest daughter several times (after being told to leave her alone and go back to sleep several times). By the time she got out of bed she lost her guitar my brother got her for Christmas. She had to earn it back. Are you being mean - probably. Would I do the same thing - definitely. Why - because you are right there are consequences for every action we make in life. She destroyed a lot of stuff in her room, and from the sounds of it some very expensive stuff in her room. There has to be a harder consequence for that one action then any other action she has ever done. I agree that you shouldn't taken them all back, but I would take one back for sure. And I agree, do it with her there, so that she knows what she lost and knows you have done it.

Also, a tip that might help (it has had mixed results with us). We have a three stricks rule in our house. On particularly bad days, the girls will loose toys based on the wrong action, and based on how many times we have talked to them. The hardest one for them to loose is their good night lovey's. One has a duck the other has a blanket. That is always the third strike. The first two strikes are things like dolls or stuffed animals. They work their way up. They loose them for one day and need to earn them back the next day. We've found that it works most of the time. Only occassionally do we have to take away toys several days in a row.

Good luck, and stand your ground for sure!!

E.-
I agree wholeheartedly with the advice given by Lisa U. Sometimes, in my anger, I will go overboard with my punishments. I sometimes have unreasonable expectations of my young children. Their behavior is not something to be taken personally, even though some of what they do hits us on a very personal level. You are dealing with a 4.5 year old here whom I suspect may be ready to quit napping. Kids get curious, especially when they are bored, and I think almost every child will experiment with scissors at some point.

I, of course, believe that there should be consequences for bad behavior and taking a present back to the store would probably help drive the point home, but I think you need to be really careful about digging her a hole that she can't climb out of. If you give away half of her toys, take a present(s) back to the store and continue down this path eventually she will have nothing left! Once she sees that there is no way out of this hole, she will stop trying to please you at all. Why try if you're so far in you can't recover? The consequences should be tied to a specific action, not just bad behavior in general. For example, I had asked my daughters for a few days to clean their room. I gave them a few chances,warned them that I was going to take anything still left on the floor, etc. Eventually, I took all of the toys that were still on on the floor and put them up. They can see the direct consequence of not picking up. I am allowing them to earn some of those things back with good behavior, though. When they do something good such as helping me put their clothes away, and they are keeping their room clean I will let them choose something to get back.

While we need to discipline when children are acting badly, do your best to also recognize the positive things she is doing. "Catch" her being good and let her know what she is doing makes you happy. Give as much positive reinforcement as you can, kids really thrive on that. Good luck, I know this can be a really difficult age!

E., Good for you stand your ground. Parents today are too soft on kids. Disapline is an unheard word in most households. I did the same thing with my children, taking their toys out of the room. I pack them up in a garbage bag and put in attic for a couple months. Many toys were also thrown out because they couln't pick them up or take care of their toys. She will learn, my kids did and were better children because of my decisions. Good luck

If you've told your daughter you are going to do something--the best course of action would be to follow through. The worst thing you could do is nothing. Destructive behavior and lying do deserve consequences. However, make sure she understands that it is her actions that you do not approve of. You love her but dislike her choices.

I admit I am the mother of a spoiled child. Here's my two cents:
The posters are gone. The shade - oh, too bad you cut it up honey, now you'll have to live without until you can afford to replace it. She may get cold and the light may bother her, but that's a consequence.
The presents - good to pick out one to return when she's with you.
The toys - hmmm, this is tough. I have been known to simply toss kids-meal toys as punishment, but taking one in two toys seems extreme (to me). Think of it as community service. Have her decide on one or two toys and take her with you when you give them away to someone who needs them more.
I may be considered lenient because I tend to not punish for infractions that my son couldn't have known was a no-no. Yes, he still lives with the consequences when he breaks something (hubby punishes), but if I did not specify that action was off-limits, how is he to know? He does not have the common sense of an adult.
What worked for me at that age and still works for me (he's 6) is to fine him. He's very attached to money issues, so if he talks back or argues or does something he knows ahead of time is wrong (hitting, etc.), he pays me a fine. This has been the one thing that has consistently gotten through to him when taking away toys and privileges, timeouts, spanking etc. (husband), has not.

I think you have to really keep in mind that punishment has to be age appropriate and create a trust and understanding as much as teach a lesson. You don't want your child to grow up to "hate" you and think you are unreasonable and irrational......and in my opinion I think the punishment may be a bit harsh, especially if your daughter is displaying abnormal behavior and this is not common place for her. At 5, she is most likely looking for attention and needs love and redirection more than anything. My kids are 14, 11 and almost 2 and believe me when I tell you that I did a LOT of things with the oldest one that I would NEVER dream of doing with the youngest one.....maturity and lessons in parenting I guess. But, keep in mind that at the end of the day, the material things she destroyed are not NEAR as important as your relationship with her and what she needs. I know we get busy and stressed out, but the truth is that "we" should no longer "matter". When I get really angry at my kids and find myself being irrational or extreme, I try to stop and remind myself that I CHOSE this life....to be THEIR mom, THEY don't get to choose us. Of course, sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I know they can make you nuts sometimes. When my 14 year old was 2, I was in college at a Big 10 university and a single mom, my parents kindly bought me a new dining room table and chairs that was like almost $500 and the third day I had it, my son got a hold of a permanent marker and drew ALL OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!! I was LIVID, spanked him and yelled and took things away. One of those lessons I learned that I wish I could take back........anyway...she is likely needing something, even if it's just extra love. But, her little mind can only process so much info and I think you are being extreme. Take care.

I too think it's good your actually going to have consequences for what she did!

Is there however something that's related to what she did that could be a consequence.. like she cut up things in her room so perhaps she helps mend something.. or fix something and doesn't get a new poster or anything like that?

I would think the punishment should fit the crime.. that's my thoughts..

You go girl! I think that you are being a great mom. You are teaching your child that she needs to respect belongings as well as her parents. It sounds mean,but at least you aren't hitting her. If you do not follow through she will learn that you make empty threats. I have a four year old and I have "taken" gifts away, but told him he has the opportunity to "earn" them back. The difference is that he didn't do anything as extremem as your daughter. I support you in your decision and would have done the SAME thing!

I like the idea of taking a present back to the store. However, if it were my child I would put it in a way to place value on the window shade that she cut. I would tell her that since she cut something up that needs to be replaced you will use the money that would have been spent on something fun for her. She will see then that she is losing out and it will help her to place a value on objects in the future.

I agree with one of the other moms that the punishment should fit the crime and I think that is an effective way. I have done that with my son before also. He snuck into my car and took a bottle of pop that he knew I had in there and I made him pay me $5 for the pop (he was in his very early teens...not 5...lol). He said that wasn't how much a pop cost but I explained to him about restitution and court costs if you were to steal from a store and told him that next time he thinks about taking something that doesn't belong to him maybe he'll think about how expensive it could be in the end.

Good luck!!

Wow, I feel ya! Two of my four kids have exhibited some of these behaviors as well. I'm not sure how to completely stop it, but a start is to find out how your individual child feels loved, and love them like crazy... but I agree in returning one of the presents, and making them 'pay' in chores for things they destroy.(I would have lost it too!) Maybe putting a value on things that for them, just appear. My oldest son really responds to praise, so I have been looking really hard at what he does to make sure I praise the good, so maybe some of his attention seeking behavior will be turned to good things. Your child may want praise, hugs, presents, quality time, or things done for them. Each is different, and will respond to their own! You arent' mean, you are a parent that cares.

Hi E.,

I feel your pain. But seriously I think your going way over board, but this is just my opinion. If there is one thing your daughter truly loves, take it away for a day and night. This works well with my son who is 5. Kids will get into EVERYTHING, hence my daughter who is 2.5.

Good Luck and Merry Christmas!
J. in Macomb

hi, sorry this is a little late also just been busy.... but i did read your story and wanted to put my input... my son which is 15 now but when he was a little younger then your daughter, started acting out like that. doing things just like that, and he was an only child at that time but as time went by he got worse, so i finally couldn't handle any more so i took him in to see a spealist and he has adhd and bi-polar and ashburgers. but it was hard and its even harder now that he is 15. that kind of stuff is not normal in my opion cause i have 3 others that never acted anything like my first.. but just my opion....R.

You are very right to stand your ground. It might be a bigger lesson if you made her give a gift or two still wrapped to someone who could really appreciate them instead of taking them back to the store. Then she can see how happy the recipient is at receiving one of her gifts and realize it could have been her instead.

Merry Christmas!

Hi E.:

Like Ginny mentioned, my oldest daughter acted out in similar ways at around the same age when I tried to force the nap/quiet time.

She was always a very well-behaved child. Then one day after naptime, I found she'd used her crayons and to draw all over some of her dolls. She'd never used crayons inappropriately in her life! As punishment, we had her sit in the tub and scrub them all clean (which didn't work very well--all those little nooks and crannies!). She sat in that tepid tub of water for quite a while. We also didn't allow her to have crayons in her bedroom for a week after that.

The very day we returned the crayons, she drew all over her entire mini kitchen, including tea set, pretend food, the works. I was shocked and at a loss! At the time I was participating in a parenting class called "Love & Logic." (An excellent class to take if you can find one, by the way.)

The instructor mentioned, just as Ginny said, that it sounded like maybe she needed a bit more control over her nap/quiet time. I kept sending her to her room for quiet time for an hour because I was the one who needed the break. The instructor suggested still maintaining quiet time, but maybe allowing her to choose her own quiet activity to do in the house instead of being stuck in her bedroom.

This ended up working out great. Your daughter may just be trying to stretch her wings. I would still punish her for her destructive behavior, but I wouldn't go overboard. Have the punishment fit the crime. And start allowing her to make limited decisions on matters (Would you like cereal or pancakes for breakfast? Would you like to wear your blue shirt or your red one today? Etc.) Let her start to make more choices and see what happens with her behavior. Good luck!

I don't have any children your age, only an almost 2 yr old but it sounds to me that you are on the right track!! I think taking her to return one of her Christmas presents is a great idea. I would make sure it's one she cares about but not her "must have" present. I agree with others that you need to follow through. If you say you're going to do something then you need to do it. Good luck!

I've heard from a lot of other SAHM's that the last month has been terrible...including myself.

It's a really big transition for young children when the seasons change and also when the time changes. I really feel my son's behavior has been horrible since we changed our clocks!

Not only are we not able to play outside but I can't remember the last time we saw the sun! All of these things can factor into our children's behavior. This is just something I've been thinking about that I wanted to share with you.

As for punishment, I think your daughter should definitely have consequences for her actions but make sure you're not overcorrecting.