Am I Setting Abandoment Issues????

I don't think you are harming her mental health... but it's not good for her either. There are times when just letting a child cry (because they have learned that if I cry mom comes back to get me- it's time to let them cry)... but if she is acting like that before you even put her down... and she goes to others just fine, except there.

I would suggest finding another mom with whom you can alternate sitting with each others children so you both can work out. Some place away from the gym.

Hope this works

I think I'd be concerned that my baby only cries with these particular people. I think that most of the time we don't give babies enough credit. She may be trying to tell you something, even you admit that they aren't doing a very good job. Good luck!

I am not TOO protective in that I am not one of those moms that says if a baby cries then by all means you have to save her...at all. However, I am always dropping my child off and then secretly checking in or "spying" briefly after a couple minutes. I've got a bad experience with a fitness center before that I'd like to share, but first some basic advice. I act happy and excited (exaggerated) about going in somewhere, then as I'm approaching the door I'm hugging and kissing my son and telling him I love him. Then I walk in, put him on the floor and say "I love you; bye-bye" and walk away just like that. Then I always go to the bathroom and come right back because that's just enough time to see if he's settling in. He's always fine in that amount of time. HOWEVER at this one fitness center that was very nice, and I liked the owners/management VERY much, I put Joe in the childcare and he'd wail. He'd stop crying and be ok after a couple minutes. But then this new chick started working there. She made me very angry immediately because she interrupted me as I was talking. I was saying "I left my diaperbag in the car, but if you need anything, just call me and I'll run take care of it". But she interrupted me TWICE in that sentence to say they don't "do" diapers (which I knew). There was something else that aggrivated me, but I can't remember what. Then, Joseph still crying, I said "if he's still crying in 5 minutes, please page me" and she said "oh, our cry time is 10 minutes". I smiled as good as I could and said "If my son cries for 5 consecutive minutes, page me". She repeated "We have a 10 minute cry policy". I got angry (the Cajun in me) and stepped toward her and said in a low voice: "A cry policy is the minimum standard. He is the only child in here besides your daughter. I am the mother. You will page me if he's crying in 5 minutes." I did a quick 5 minute warmup on a machine and ran back to the window to see if he was ok. He was sitting on the floor, not crying, but just sitting there looking at THE BACK OF HIS ATTENDANT'S HEAD while she watched TV with HER daughter on the other side of the room! I thought for a moment that he just chose to be there so I ran and did one very fast set on a machine (3 minutes?) and ran back to the window and saw that he was just sitting there all alone, the attendant on the other side of the room with her back to him, talking to some guy. He was only 10 months old, and she hadn't, in my opinion, had TIME to attempt to engage him in an activity. I have no problems with trying to engage a child who doesn't want to play, and then letting him do whatever he wants. But 5 minutes and you're back is to him? I was upset and just walked in to take him home. She was standing up and greeted me with the words "I was just about to get you---he stinks!" I asked if she meant that he'd just made a diaper and she said yes. I said, "Well I'll change him in a minute; I need to check him out of here" and the guy with her said "You didn't bring diapers in with you?" and I looked over at him.....a guy.....who WAS NOT A STAFF MEMBER...in my child's room???? I was absolutely livid. I told him "I'm not going to hold your comment against you because you're a young boy and don't know anything about children, but my diaper bag is in the car b/c the attendants won't change him, but it is none of your business. What I do have a problem with is what in hell's name is a non-staff member doing in a childcare facility like this?" The girl started trying to talk and I "moved" her to the wall and told her to close her mouth now and not to ever try to speak to me again. Then I collected my son, changed his diaper, held him a few minutes, and after I could calm down enough to speak rationally, I had to tell the owners. They had no idea that guy was in there (a liability) and were sorry my son was ignored. But I NEVER took him back again. I had to rearrange my schedule so that my husband was home when I worked out, and in the meantime I took Joe for walks in the stroller for exercise. That's the only bad experience I've had; he goes to childcare at my church, at another church for Bible study, and 4 hours/day at Primrose Academy---all of which he LOVES. Sorry this is so long, but my advice is to always feel free to come back to check on your daughter secretly, and to NOT leave her anywhere you feel uneasy about.

I totally agree that you need to listen to your daughter on this one. If this is the only place this happens, and it's getting worse instead of better as she is there more, something isn't right. You said yourself that they don't do a very good job. Our gym isn't an option for me right now because I just don't get a good vibe about the quality of childcare. You should really trust your instinct.

Hi Liz, so sorry to hear about your problem and with you being a first time mom I totally understand your concern. I definitely think first of all it is seperation anxiety that your daughter is going through and secondly, kids can sense other peoples emotions and is obviously not comfortable with her surroundings in the gym daycare. I would try another gym. You could also try and stay in the daycare with her for awhile, everytime you go, so she can get used to the place and knowing you're with her, then eventually try and sneak out to workout for a bit but come back and check up on her and let her see your face and to know you didn't leave her for good. Hopefully then she can get used to going there. I have to admit that after having each one of my four kids I didn't trust ANYONE with my kids so to get all those baby pounds off I just did workout videos or went jogging with my babies at home. I didn't have to worry about getting my kids ready, pack up their diaper bags or anything. My youngest is now 7 and I am still doing my workouts at home because I am more comfortable doing this. Liz, good luck to you and I know you'll make the right decision for you and your little sweetheart.

Liz,

I think she is going thru normal seperation anxiety. Maybe you should find someone else to watch her while you are at the gym. I work in the nursery at the church on Sundays and I can tell you that some of those kids just can't take being seperated. It seems mean to me to force them to deal with it at such a young age. My first child (I have 4) was very independant and didn't mind seperation. My fourth had serious anxiety. I couldn't leave the room at 6 months. Try hanging out in the nursery with her. Play with her in there. Let her get used to the people and the place and get really comfortable and familiar with it. It could take quite a while. My son is now 10 months old and ok to be alone in the nursery. He knows I'm coming back.

Invest in a mommy cam. See just exactly how she is being taken care of while she is in the gym daycare, also how does she behave outside of that environment? Is this the only place she seems to do this way or does she also react this way at other places when you leave her or even at home when you leave outside of her viewing area? I pray that she is not being mistreated in any kind of way. My oldest daughter did this once at my Aunts when she watched her for me while I went up to the store with my mother. My Aunt said she stood by the door and just cried , and cried until I came back no matter what she did for her.

What about checking out a different gyms child care facility and seeing how she acts with them. You can ask to let your daughter hang out there for about 15 minutes to see how she acts and if she does ok, then try going to that gym instead.
My daughter started acting this way towards my husbands sister around 15 mnths of age and would start crying when we pulled into her apartment complex to drop her off. We knew something wasn't right because she never acted like this towards anyone and so we stopped letting her babysit for us.
I would definitely try and find another gym. She doesn't sound safe with the daycare attendants there so do what's best for her and she needs to feel safe so you can enjoy and get a longer workout.
Good luck to you!
Let us know how everything works out.

have you tried arriving a little early - go in with her - and play with her a bit - get her used to being there w/you it may take several visits (you may even spend a whole 30 minutes in with her the first time) but shorten the time you stay with her each time you go. Play a bit with her - let her know mommy will be right back - leave and then go back within 15 minutes - to check up. Try varying the time you go - maybe just after a nap - so she is ready to play - or if they have a crib - maybe just before nap time - then you can play with her a bit - then put her down for a nap at the gym.

it took about a month for my son - he was 2 before he was in a day care situation - too get used to mom leaving him.

just a few thoughts

Liz

Children have inner radars about people. There is something going on and her way of telling you is through her acting out. At this age she cannot verbally express herself. You yourself must have some feelings about them as you call them "attendants". Is there not someone else that you trust to watch her while you exercise? Please do not take your child back and have her suffer anymore. If what you say is that your baby is willing to go to others but has a problem there please listen to her..This has nothing to do with abandonment issues..

A lot of babies around this age go through some severe "mommy-itis" or seperation anxiety. I don't think you are going to ruin your daughter's mental health. It also sounds like she just doesn't like the "attendants" at the daycare. Let's face it some people who work at gym daycares are not really doing it because they love to be around babies. It is a job to them. Not all are like this. Can you go at a different time of day when there are maybe some different, more nuturing workers? Or can you go at night when she goes down to sleep?

If she will go to anyone else except at the gym...it's the daycare at the gym something happened to frightend her that she wasn't accustomed to or somebody frightened her.

My son was like that with my brother in law he was the happy go luck baby always laughing and would go to everybody literally at church I never had him he was just passed around but when it came to my brother in law he was night and day would fight to get away from and cry his little heart out if he even thought you were going to leave him with him. I could never figure it out b/c he wasn't at the age where he could talk. I never left him alone with him and my baby stayed away from him. He was good to go!

Just pay attention to your baby she will let you know when something or somebody isn't right right now crying is her only way of communicating.

As the mother of 4 grown kids, sounds like the guy is not SAFE.
If your baby is still friendly with everyone but the gym, maybe the attendant is mistreating her in some way. Listen to your baby. It sounds like she is speaking pretty loudly that something is not right at the gym.

Patty Neal

Hi Liz,
I have been through the exact same thing! When my son was able to go to the gym daycare I joined at Lifetime. He did the total crying thing and they had to come and get me every time! It's a really big area with lots of noise and I think it was just too much for him! After picking him up one day when he was all by himself doing that "catch your breath cry" at the half door, I said NO MORE! It was more stressful on both of us then the workout was worth! A few weeks later I joined Larry North, their kids room was small and quiet (compared to Lifetime) and they promised me they would do everything to make him comfortable (even take him for a walk if needed)! It worked! He really liked it, he rec'd personal attention (it was not a "watch over" situation, they play with them!) He is now almost 4 and still likes going - if I can drag him away from playing with his trucks! My advice to you would be to see if there's a gym in your area with a "smaller" kids room that might be more comforting to her (unless that's the situation now!) I don't believe you're setting abandonment issues.. because you always come back! But she is definitely trying to tell you something and her actions are her only means of communication! Hang in there - I know it's very upsetting to you! I found myself crying right along with him when leaving the other gym! Good Luck!

That's tough. I know you don't want to hear this, but it sounds like something is going on at gym class, that scares her, or someone she doesn't like. Because if she is fine going to anyone, and started this there, I would be worried. Do you "peek" in on her at all, while working out? Maybe you can pop in there to surprise the attendent and see if anything is going on that you don't approve of.
I would not want to leave my baby there crying and screaming like that either.
I hope you figure this out or that your baby stops crying when you go.

I know how hard it is to leave your child and know that they are crying. She is in a place that is new to her and she can only voice her dismay by crying.
I want to address something first to you to maybe help put you at ease~ Your child more than likely is not crying because she is being mistreated. I work at an Early Learning Center at church with the infants and love each one of them dearly! I have one little boy that cries for nearly the entire day if you are not holding him. It never fails that he is crying when his dad comes to pick him up. If he followed all of this advice that the people there were not taking care of him and that is why he is crying then....well lets just say that more credit is being given to a 6 month old than is really deserved. I am not saying that your little girl is HAPPY to be there, but I know for a FACT that this little boy is taken care of VERY well ~ HE JUST CRIES (point being your child could be crying just because)!! If you are uncomfortable about the people there then you should leave. Come to the gym without your child and watch how they interact with the children. There are other gym's for you to join....if you are not happy with this one find another one. BUT do not be upset if she gets upset theret too. Give it more time.

Hi Liz V,

I work with children in a mothers day out type setting. There were a few at the first of school that would come in and cry for a couple of hours and then they would be fine. We have some now that come in crying in the mornings for any where from 5 minutes to 30 minutes or longer but, they are ok. They are just going through things at home, which we know about, and the adjustment is hard for them. At the beginning of the year it was because, they had never been away from family and it was just an adjustment. With that said, what concerns me is that if your baby goes to everyone else and screams at the workout place it that there is someone there that she senses does not like her. As you stated the people are not that good. I am a much older mom, I have an adult child and a grade school child so, I have been around just about everything is dealing with children. Anyway, if your baby senses that the people working at the place are frustrated because, they know that she will probably be coming in crying, she just doesn't feel comfortable with them. I don't think this is a feeling of abandonment for your baby, I really think she is letting you know that for some reason she doesn't feel secure there. Now, this is just my opinion but, you did say that she goes to anyone else so, why would she not like these people at the work out place? Something is going on there if that is the only time that she cries when left unless she cries with others who are not family but, you said she doesn't. I would talk to other mom's and see if they are having any problems with their children when leaving them there.

I would say yes. A well-known, highly respected psychiatist in town once told me that it is very important that a child's needs be attended to as much as possible the first few years of life (especially the first two). He said studies have shown that it has a huge impact on the child's self esteem and sense of security for the rest of his/her life. So, since she's good about going to other people at other times, you have to take her lead and not leave her at the gym daycare. There's something about that place or the people there that she doesn't like, so you have to attend to that need and not leave her there. I would find other ways to exercise (e.g. walk with her in stroller, weights and videos at home, etc.). Good luck and remember... this too shall pass!

Nine months is the time to expect separation anxiety. At that age the babies begin to realize that you are not permanently connected and you might go away. She may go to others easily when you are around, but be afraid as soon as you leave.

Do you have a friend or someone who could care for your daughter a few days a week so you can work out? Of could your husband keep her in the evening while you work out? If you don't think the gym does a good job and she screams, consider trying something different, but don't be surprised if she cries whenever you walk out the door. She might respond better if someone could give her one-on-one for some time after you leave. She needs to be consoled when she is crying and distracted after you are gone. If no one is willing to do that for your child, it may not be a very good childcare for your daughter.

As an alternative to the gym have you considered taking her on a long, fast walk or run for your exercise? If you don't have one, you might consider getting a runner's stroller for her safety and your exercise. They are a little expensive, but costs less than a gym over time.

My babies had a hard time adjusting to going to Mothers Day Out, so I knew they wouldn't deal well with being left at the gym daycare either. So, I decided to try out something called Stroller Strides - you work out, taking the babies with you in the stroller. The other thing I do is get up once or twice a week and go to the gym before they (and my husband) wake up. These two things combined allow me to work out 4 to 5 times per week.
I don't think you're necessarily damaging your daughter by leaving her in the gym daycare. But, obviously she doesn't like it for some reason, and you made the observation that the caregivers don't do a very good job. So, my advice would be to just try to work around her needs by getting some exercise with her along and/or wake up early and go work out then.
If you want more info about Stroller Strides, feel free to contact me. Good luck - it's hard fitting all this into our busy lives with our little ones!

Liz,

First, I would suggest you find an alternative way to exercise that could include your daughter. Granted, you probably need some alone time. You didn't mention a husband or family, is it possible to leave her with the father or your mother?

Second, have you noticed any unusal marks on Ava Rose that weren't there before you went to the gym? The attendant may have done something to hurt her, or scared her in some way. If a child is usually friendly and will go to anyone, and then all of sudden changes her behavior as you described, that would make me very suspicious as to how she was treated while you were gone. You need to find an alternative way, or place to exercise and an alternative place to take care of Ava Rose right away.

Good luck!

T.

I think, despite appearances, she doesn't like the people that are caring for her there. She's trying to get your attention about it...

As everyone else has said, it could be 1 of 2 things: something is not right, or it's separation anxiety. If you, yourself, stated that they don't do a good job, I would choose somewhere else to go work out. I have a 2.5 year old son, and would never leave him anywhere that I had ANY doubt about the caregiver(s).

I can tell you that I have been taking our son to our church nursery rooms since he was 5 weeks old, and yes, for a while, he did cry when I left him, and would start before we got to the room, because he knew he was fixing to be dropped off, but I know/knew the people in that room, could visibly see them at any point during the service, through a huge glass window, and KNEW that he was getting LOVING CARE. That was separation anxiety. He would even bust out crying when we came to pick him up. It boggled my mind as a first time parent, too...but I have adjusted. He is finally gotten where he is EXCITED almost every week to get dropped off at his "now" classroom at church, and never cries anymore.

I wish you the best, and please find somewhere that you feel TOTALLY comfortable in leaving your child. You should have no doubts, and you should be able to observe at ANY GIVEN TIME while they are watching your child, to see what is taking place, and how they are handling your child and other children.

I think your baby is getting at stranger separation anixetiy stage. 6 months is about where it hits. I used to work at 24 hour fitness in the kid's club as a attendant for a part time job while I was staying home with my kids. Let me tell you, they hire people that are not kid friendly! I was the momma of the kid's club. All the momma's and their kids loved me bc I cared and loved on their kids even when they were crying histerically. Unfortantly you get workers at the gym that don't want to be in there and kids drive them nuts. But they go there first until a front desk job is open or something else. I believe its all in how attentive the attendant is and if they really really have a love for children. Babies and toddlers know and can sense that. I would suggest maybe going at a different time, if you can. Or talk to the manager of the club about it, maybe they could help. Or just go when your hubby can watch her, so you can go in peace. I have a 4 year old and she still does the same thing if I go to the gym! I got to where I didn't want to go anymore bc of that. She would cry for 5 min or so and then stop and have fun. But every single time she would cry. Alot of times the attendants wouldn't even try to calm her down or hold her or talk to her. They would just have her come in and me leave knowing they didn't even seem to care. It was very hard. But I don't suggest giving up, just maybe get someone to watch her while you go. OR keep going and pray that she will get used to it eventually and deal with the crying. It is not mentally going to mess her up. She is a baby and won't remember it. HOpe this all helps.

No, keep going! Nine months is the time for separation anxiety, and it is good for your baby to learn that mommy is going to come back. Just be persistent about going and dropping her off. It is just a phase...

When my son was 3, I started a bowling league, just to get out with other women for a break, and when I left him with the sitter,he screamed and cried. At first I thought he'll get used to it when he sees I come back, but that didn't happen. I changed and didn't take him back anymore, no crying. It could be something about the person taking care of her. Have you ever left her for as long as an hour with anyone else?? If so & she didn't cry, I'd say it was this person she just didn't like, otherwise, it may be she is scared you aren't coming back, so try leaving her with someone 10 minutes, and come back & say see mommy came right back. good luck.

Perhaps you could try just sitting with her a few times for 30-40 minutes one week to get her used to being there and seeing how much fun she can have. Then once she is content and is used to the surroundings try going to workout.

Not sure if it will work but perhaps if she sees that you are there too and also starts to see a routine, which babies love, maybe she will be okay with the time spent in the daycare.

Good luck. I know how good it feels to workout regularly and I can't wait to make it back myself. My twin boys are 4 months old now and I am just walking and doing tapes now, but I look forward to going back to the gym.

The gym may just be an uncomfortable enviroment for her. To put your own fears at rest try working out at home or have some one you both know watch her that house while you go to the gym. You really shouldn't even be taking her there if you really don't trust the daycare worker as well! Good luck!

Girl, now you said yourself the attendants are not good. And obviously, your gut is telling you something is not right. Listen to it. There are plenty of gyms and other ways to lose weight. Always, always, ALWAYS trust your gut instinct.

I would definitely be wary and seek out another place or way to work out. All children have separation issues around her age, but this is extreme. She obviously doesn't like it there for whatever reason and it is too stressful for both of you.
I recently joined the YMCA and I love it there. They have very strict guidelines for their child-care area and who can work there. 2 and under are separated from the bigger kids in a small intimate setting with HUGE windows so the I can see in and check on how my kids are being treated. There are planned activities for the older kids - crafts, music, etc. - they are not just supervised while they play, they are actively engaged with my children. I highly recommend checking into your local Y. AND - it is cheaper than a gym! :) I hope it is as wonderful as the one I go to.
HTH
L.

My opinion - there is SOMETHING WRONG if she starts screaming before you've even left here there.

Also, why would you continue to leave your child with someone whom you yourself call "daycare 'attendent' (I put it like that cuz they dont do a very good job)"?

Hope you're able to work this out soon!
Warmly,
N.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Your little girl knows she is your entire world and somewhere deep down she can feel your stress when she cries so when you leave her she is going to continue to do that until you feel calm about it. I have a 4 year old son that still tries to pull the I don't want to go there thing with me. He was staying with my sister and he loved her so I know he was ok, and the sitter now says he is fine right after I leave. He started it at 6 months and has continued ever since. He is my first born so I know those feelings of abandonment as I went back to work afer he was 8 weeks old. You need your time away from her so DO NOT feel guilty for taking 30 minutes to work out. If they will deal with the crying for 30 minutes then enjoy your workout for 30 minutes and then pick her up and love on her and tell her thanks for being a big girl. You rule your kids don't let your kids rule you.

If you need someone to talk to let me know.

My first thought is that they may not be as nice to her as you think. I would figure something else out for her. If she's that upset, I dont think its good to keep putting her thru it when she's great with everyone else. Ya know?! Babies are smart and sense peoples emotions. She sounds scared to me. Best of luck to you.