Am I the Only One Who Has UNLOVING Parents? Anyone Else? So Depressed

You DO realize that you're better off NOT receiving financial help from them, right?

It's quite satisfying to know that what you *have* is the direct result of planning, hard work and wise management of your finances. Regardless of the "newness" or "opulence" or lack thereof.

I'd rather live in a shed that I paid for than a mansion paid for by someone else with strings attached--and there are ALWAYS strings attached.

ETA* Btw, YOU know how you keep your house, YOU know you are not a pig....tell your parents to phone you first the next time they plan to visit. This will go a long way in building YOUR boundaries! And it's only polite...how could they refuse?

you know it sucks to have parents that favor another child. but really? it's their loss.

You know you are doing this on your own. Do you REALLY want your parents hand outs? Do you think that MAYBE they don't give you stuff because they know you are doing it on your own and feel that you don't NEED their help? Maybe you have it all wrong. Maybe they see you as their favorite because they do NOT HAVE to do anything for you?

My parents would help if I asked. have you asked your parents for help? If so, what was their response?

Are you sure that your parents are saying those things about you? If so, confront them. that is sad that parents would say that.

I think you are seeking your parents approval for your life. Ask yourself why you need that validation from them. Count your blessings that you have what you have because YOU EARNED IT...it wasn't given or bought for you. you did it on your own and no one can take that away from you. Your sisters and their kids? What will happen when mom and dad are angry with them? will their nice things disappear? isn't it great that they can't take that from you?!?

Please don't cry yourself to sleep anymore over this. Don't let them control your life or anything about you...be proud that your life is YOURS. You EARNED it. It was NOT handed to you.

Hugs.

The best defense is to be happy without them.
Let them only know how good things are when they call, do not call them though.
THis is so hard, you want a mom relationship with a woman who doesn't seem to know how to give that to you. So write her off. Let her be superwoman to your niece, whatever. Make your memories with your husband and your kids and break the cycle.

Your post just made me realize how lucky I was with the parents I had. We were poor growing up and even when we grew up they never gave us anything. But they were fully involved with all 3 of us sisters and our children...and it was the biggest blow to our family when they passed...but they will never be forgotten. Sorry for your hurt!

None of us choose our parents, if I were in you I'd distance myself from them emotionally and would try to not know all those details that are so hurtful for you. Stop talking to them for a loong while and when you do, keep things short and general. Avoid them on Facebook. Why are you wasting your energies on them when you clearly must have lots on your plate with your 4 children? Focus on the people and the things that are actually GOOD for you, life is too short.

My mother favors my sister, but loves me too. She and my sis have much more in common. My sis calls her every day and I call her when I have something to say. My sis lives right around the corner and I live about an hour away. My sis was raised with mom and step-father, I was raised by my grandmother, with short periods of time spent in my mother's home. Step-father did not like or want me and made no bones about it.

Step-father is dead, mom, sis and I are doing fine. I accept that my sis and her opinions will always be chosen over mine (even when they are exactly the same). Mom is old now and she knows things weren't alway so fare, however, me and sis have managed to keep things on pretty good. Yes, sometimes my feelings get hurt or I get mad or frustrated, but not enough to separate myself from the family.

Honestly, you sound like you are pretty jealous and that is a very bad emotion to lay of yourself. Be content with what you have and not disappointed with what you don't have. At your age, like it or not, your parents don't owe you a thing.

Blessings.....

For YOUR sake and sanity you need to let it go. It's sad that this is the way it is, but you don't need their help and you have the knowledge you've done it on your own. Get over your jealousy, be done with the tears, and don't waste your time being depressed, what will it change? Move on to the important things in life.

And by no means are you the only one with parents like this!

{{HUGS}}

I am so sorry. I understand the pain.
Both of my parents were alcoholics and my dad still is. My brother started drinking when he was 2 years old.
My mother always favored my brother. My dad was and is too self absorbed to favor anyone but himself.
I found an awesome Christian counselor when I was in my late 20s who helped me move on and learn to emotionally distance myself. If you don't get emotionally healthy, like it or not it will go on with your children.
I have a very serious illness. One of my main motivations to live is to be a good MIL and awesome grandma.

Grieve it and let it go. (Easier said than done, I know).

I don't know if this is a family pattern that goes back several generations, but it seems likely. This sort of thing doesn't usually just appear out of thin air. Identify what caused this family pattern and make sure you don't replicate it with your own children. My family has been through many generations of dysfunctional behavior. It's not healed yet, but it gets better every generation.

The more work I do at healing my generation of kids, the more respect I have for how much work my mother did to heal her generation of kids (me and my brother). I do not have a close relationship with either one of my parents. But I can respect and be grateful that I received better parenting than they did. It helps a lot with forgiveness.

Good luck.

I have a father who didn't favor either my brother or I, basically he is a selfish you know what. He has never done a thing for either on of us. My brother was a fantastic baseball player who actually had scouts look at him. They told my mom my brother needed to be in a better college for recognition, this was a loooong time ago and my mother had no clue how to go about it, my father refused to help. My brother has taken that loss with him for a whoa is me attitude, (very damaging) However, I think it has made me the fighter I am, the hard worker I am, the compassionate person I am, and the parent that I am. So they have done you a huge favor, you just don't know it yet. Everything you have is because you earned it on your own, without help!! My father didn't pay for my wedding, my schooling, and trust me he had the money. When I turned 18 the first week of November he gave my mother exactly one weeks support, just because he is a selfish you know what. He left my mother for another woman and yet we all suffered. When I got married he told me his money was his wife's money and I was on my own. I think he was on wife# 3 at the time (he's on #4 now lol) It took me a long time to realize this and a lot of time wasted feeling hurt. Don't waste another day thinking about it. Realize that it is their loss, I know it is hard, because I know how it feels. Love yourself like no one else would and you will be happy. No more tears, life is too short. It does't matter what you have, and what they have, you earned yours on your own. BE PROUD!!!

Sounds like a personal problem.
I'd like to know what your parents story is.
I can't answer because I don't know the other side of the story.
They give to your sister and her kids for a reason.
What is the reason?
My sister died when she was 18 and I was 21. My mom always favored my sister because she was ill. She still seems to favor my sister in thought. When I'm with my mom she always talks about my sister even tho she's been dead for 32 years.
I understand how my mom is, I've adapted to it. Makes me crazy at times, but I always get over it.
Edit: I've read other answers. I love things that are thought provoking and that's what this site is for "to make you think".
Favortism is a curious thing. I personally dont know anyone who has lived thru it. Only if their were influences that caused the bend, such as a child with special needs or a child that was born that was from man that is now disliked so it's taken out on the innocent child.
Have you ever sat down over a cup of coffee with you mom and asked he why things are the way they are? Maybe you should. Maybe it will help you understand her thought process and then you can put it to rest.

My MIL and FIL cater to those who are abusive users. The more independent we are(totally 100%), the more distant they get.
The more our relatives screw up, con them, etc... the more they feel needed and loved. even when people tell them "Just give the xdkjfldjf money and keep your trap shut."
counselors always try to make me see how sick they must be to do this, but it still hurts to live it.

I was always the favored one with both my parents. I didn't get into trouble, they paid for a lot of things for me as a kid, they let me have what I wanted and not so much for my siblings. I have 2 sisters and a brother. I was the favorite. I dont know why. I also was the most responsible of the siblings. I think my brothers and sisters acted out because of the favoritism. However as I got older and my sisters and brother started having kids of there own, my parents saw my success as a sort of reason to just cut me off emotionally as well as any kind of "help". I would never have asked it of them, but occasionally I needed a loan, or a couple bucks here and there, but they were too busy supporting my other siblings, that someone always were getting in deep financial and marital problems. They were so busy with them that they didnt even know I had filed for divorce and it was final till I told them one day in a brief, rare phone call that John and I were done. Thats when my mom tried to reach out a little more, she actually sent me a birthday card and present. First one in 5 or so years. They didnt even call me before. We were not poor but we were not rich growing up, so birthdays and x-mas were never a huge affair except for the meals. My mom would make huge spreads and in the younger years she never forgot to invite me, even though I lived 5 miles into town. Then she slowly forgot and would be angry that I didnt show up. When I told her she didnt invite me she would go into a rampage saying why would I think I needed an invitation. However I would get to see the ones she sent my sisters and brother. So I marked it up to her advancing years and the fact I never complained to her. After a while of her nagging me, when we did see each other, about when was I ever going to give her a grand kid (mind you her 1rst daughter had 3 with 3 different men) My 2nd had 1 and 2 steps from different husbands, and my brother had 1 with a psycho and 2 adopted ones from his new marriage. I would always say "soon" but she always forgot somehow that I had 2 miscarriages and a stillbirth. Never seemed to phase her. I finally got pregnant "accidently" with my first daughter, and all she could say was "I hope its not one of those MUSLIMS from Africa" which was strange because I was in Morocco in Feb and my daughter was born the following year in Summer. I guess my mom cant do math. When I introduced her to my current husband and the father of ALL my kids, she started rampaging that I met a terrorist. I had to take a really long time to explain that he is Indian, from India, and he is Hindu, um far from a terrorist. So then she was more accepting. However, when my sibs all had kids she bent over backwards buying everything for them, she made them clothes. She made them blankets. My dad bought all their baby furniture. I got what? I got some clothes that she got at her church thrift store. She came to visit me one time in the current home I am in, about 1hour away,and then she got sick with cancer, and went down hill fast. She used to only allow my oldest sister to take her to doctors. When she finally got the most ill my family (not including my vote) put her in a hospital only minutes from them but 2 and 1/2 hours for me. They expected me to be there every day or close to it while she was in a coma. She had surgery on Dec17th, and never came out of the coma, and she passed Jan 5. Almost every day I made that journey with my then 9 month old daughter.... and still my dad and siblings would complain I wasnt pulling my shift, they need breaks, and I wasnt helping. I would stay over night with my daughter and that was never good enough for them. When my mom passed away. They held her memorial, I called and tried to get times of when everything was, and my sister in law was the only one to tell me and that was like 2 hours before it. I got there but barely. When it came time to bury her we were suppose to go as a family in a line with the cars, and I had to get my daughter dressed up for the cold and in the car seat, they all left me behind. I was the last to arrive to the gravesite and strangely enough m ex-husband saved me a spot for me my daughter and my current husband. Since then I have had 2 more kids, my father never came to see my son for 6 months after his birth, and that was for one of my sibs parties that I was invited too. He saw my second daughter only once before that again for a different party not pertaining to mine. Mind you I live only 1 hour away. Now its my sons 1rst birthday party tomorrow. I invited him, he says he is coming, but he called to find out how to spell his name and what does he like? well all I can say, is that we dont get to pick our parents. As long as they are not abusive or mean to you, I would say they did there job raising you. You have a wonderful family. Your alive and well. They may or may not ever realize what they are doing is hurting you, but then again they you havent told them right? IF you feel bad then you need to take that next step on cutting the strings, or having a heart to heart with them as well. I am sorry for your pain. You can take comfort in knowing your not the only one. I

Wow - I am so sorry your parents suck so much. I have very big issues with both my parents so I can relate. Although it is different. My parents have been divorced since I was 4. My dad remarried and he and my stepmom helped my stepsisters with college, took on some of their loans for them, and paid for very big expensive weddings. My dad would never even give me some money in college even though I was putting myself through school and was extremely poor. He helped my brother a little bit but not much. He certainly never took over one of my loans for my brother or I! When I got married my dad did not offer to pay for anything and ended up not even coming. At the last minute he and my stepmom said it was too expensive for them. This was a $199 ticket, whereas my stepsister's catering alone cost $10,000! I can give you many many examples but I won't go on. Now as adults they are always going to visit my two stepsisters but in my entire adult life they have visited me 2ce, once when each of my kids were born. Anyway, my advice to you is to go ahead and find a good therapist and spend that time for yourself. I did this and it really does help. You can really work through this and come to a deep down realization that this is not about you and that you are a great person. This is about them and their own personal issues and they are sad, small people to treat one of their children this way. It's sad and not fair. My stepmom is extremely insecure and she is also a shopper who spends too much money all the time. She thinks my dad should not spend time with my brother and I bc it is unfair to her girls. (I get along great with both my stepsisters - they are not the problem here). My dad is insecure and a wuss and does whatever his wife tells him. They both make up lies to themselves and have this really distorted view of reality. For example my dad goes around telling people how he put 4 kids through college. If I try to call him on one of his lies he gets extremely defensive and lashes out at me. My way of dealing with him is I have really distanced myself from him. I am polite but I expect nothing from him and I certainly have stopped wasting time thinking about him and agonizing over this like I used to when I was younger. I'm so sorry for what you have to go through and again I highly recommend counseling.

I agree 100% with One and Done. Furthermore, I would stop giving them this much power in your life. For whatever reason (good, bad or indifferent), they are limited in their ability to feel, see or care how much this hurts you.

Cut them off if you can't stop the pain they cause. And block all of them from FB (to where you can't see their posts) if you have to. Stop giving them your power.

JMO.

been there did that-was pure hell-had daughter out of wedlock-she wasnt acknowledged til after marriage-list is endless between my family n exinlaws-so i just turned it around-quit torturing myself over what i wasnt getting both physically n emotionally-invested that negative energy into positive for my kids n my life.you cant change other ppl but you can change yourself.i put up some real high boundaries-dont come unless you call first-stay off their face book-dont acknowledge them-QUIT COMPARING YOURSELF TO THEM_APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE HERE AND NOW!!!!....the less you have to do with it-the better you feel.and tell mommy dearest she can feel free to jump in an actually get her hands dirty.
most important-pull yourself out of the poor me victim roll.and live your life like their not around.good luck-save those tears for when you really need them.

My story is different but I do get what you're saying. I believe my mom resents me because she got pregnant at 19, was forced to get married to my dad, and by the time I was two was divorced. When I was 6.5 my sister came along. She is/was will always be the favorite child. She is spoiled and bratty. She however, is my best friend, now..I actually couldn't stand her before I was 25. My relationship with her has always been rocky/stormy and always with drama.

Currently, my siste lives with me, pays no rent, no utilities but does use her foodstamps to help us with groceries. But she gets a weekly allowances from mom and dad (my "other dad"). She's going to school full time so I keep that in mind but it drives me nuts that they just do those things for her. My mom is "fair" with the grandkids for the most part, but my kids often "get left out" of certain activities because I don't get told until it's too late. Then I'm the bad guy cause we have other plans.

I am the "fixer" of problems with the entire family. When someone needs something to be fixed (emotions, friendships, arguements) I'm the one they call. I'm the one who never fails to let anyone down, but I don't get the respect or love I deserve. I'm 34, and still look for that.

You have to realize like I am starting to that it's not about you, it's about them. All I can do at this point is make sure that my kids NEVER feel this way.

Added: Then I look at the man sitting next to me, my husband the father of my children and think...I could easily have the bio-dad he does. Calls once a year, makes promises to be more involved, never keeps those promises. Has never met his grandkids, and probably never will. A man who was an alcoholic, who abused his wife and kids, and then when she remarried a wonderful, gave her money and signed his rights over.

I realize, I don't know what that feels like and I'm luckier than him.

Oh Sweetie, sending you a hug! This sucks and is unfair, but there are sucky unfair people in life...including our own parents, my mom included! It took a loooong time, but nothing surprises me anymore :)

I am so sorry that people are capable of being so mean, especially your parents, the last people on earth that should be mean to their own children.

Next time your house is cleaned up & project free, give them a call & say "we are finally not working on a project & would love for you guys to come have dinner with us". Make it notable to them that you aren't happy with the situation either, but you are trying to make a home & sometimes that takes long hard work.

But one thing you should whole heartedly be happy about is that YOU are making it without any handouts from them. That alone should make you feel so joyful that who cares is she showers the others with *stuff*. Be proud of yourselves.

I cannot say that I relate to your situation because I have no parents. I have 1 sister, 7 yrs younger than I & we are not close. I have never known my father, have no grandparents, no aunts, no uncles, no cousins, no one. So try to enjoy the good that they bring to your life & not dwell on the small stuff.

I love my parents and I am truly thankful for them. That being said, they don't treat all of us the same. My sister's kids get way more material things from them. The last time they stopped in to my place to stay, it was on their way to my sister's and they left their dogs with me because my sister hates having the dogs at her house. I have four kids and I homeschool and run a business. My plate is totally full and then some. When they returned my mother raved about how my sister's kids loved the new clothes she had bought them. She brought some clothes for mine too, but they were ones she had bought second hand. They explained that they had a wonderful time eating out at a nice restaurant and my parents flipped the bill. I fixed meals for my parents during their stay with me. My Mom explained that they had a wonderful time at the play they went to see and that my sister must be growing up a bit because she offered to pay for the tickets this time. My mom has never even offered to take me to the theater. Most of the time, I really don't care. I really think I am a better person because I have had to fend for myself over the years. The thing that hit me this time is that my Mother told me that I should really make an effort to go see my sister because she is so lonesome. Poop hit the fan. I explained to my Mother that my dear sister has been very near my house and not put forth any effort to see me. My sister doesn't call, she doesn't email, she doesn't make any effort to come see me ever. My sister has a cleaning lady, she has a free baby sitter any time she wants. Her kids visit their Dad several weeks out of the year. She has a husband that makes more than twice what we live off. She doesn't have to work and spent the entire summer off before finding a job not because she needs it but because she chooses to work. I was pissed! I told my Mom I was pissed. My sister feels she has a rough life and honestly I wouldn't want to be in her shoes, but she picked out her shoes and she chooses to wear them. If she has trouble it's because she is making poor choices and if she is lonesome it's because she chooses to be. I have can't afford to go see her. I don't have the time to go see her right now and if she wanted to see me she has more than enough money and time to make it happen. We can only afford to take one week a year off and I am not spending it with my sister. I need a break and that would not be a break. The subject was dropped very quickly.

We get the parents we get...not many opportunities for "do-over", with the exception of adoption. Please do not waste time crying yourself to sleep or being jealous...these are just wasted feelings. I have tons of stories to share but won't take up all of your space. You are in your 40's. put it behind you and live your happy life with your husband and children. We can't control other people's behavior (tell them to call ahead if they want to come over). Please also do not compare what you have and what other people have. You have earned YOURS! You don't need handouts from your parents. Hang in there! I felt so much better after I cut the cord!!!!