Am I Wrong?

I had the same issues with my husband and his weight - I work really hard to stay in shape and work out and he is a little chubby. what I said is I really wanted him to lose weight for his health - that being overweight makes you at risk for a heart attack and I didn't want to lose him. That made him take notice and he has lost 15 pounds. Good luck

Jenn Smith
http://jennsmith.stayinhomeandlovinit.com

M.,

You are not wrong and it is a shame that you already had the "pep" talk and your husband won't listen. I don't know if he has a good friend or brother or even mother that you could talk to to try and motivate him or what drastic steps you might be willing to take, but left unattended to, this could turn into an ongoing issue. What I mean by drastic steps is to simply tell him unless he makes an effort, you are unwilling to have intimate contact with him. Whatever you do, you are not wrong to feel this way.

Good luck!

D.

Here's what I would think, personally. Has he slacked off, or was he always kinda lazy as far as taking care of himself? Because, I could see wanting him to clean up his act medically, weightwise, etc., but you'de have more ground to stand on IF he USED to be keeping up his ways and then suddenly got lazy. Kind of like a dog, when you got the dog, you knew he had fleas, you knew he'd bark, poo on the floor, then one day you think that dog's gotta keep clean and act like a cat. And not to compare your husband with A dog! LOL... but, who was it you married, a guy who was always trying to look his best for you, and then suddenly got lazy and creepy about it? Cause if THAT is the case, I think you have every right to get after him to clean up his act, seek medical attention, go see Mister Dentist (oh yeah, everyone oughta do that, regardless!). He can't just marry you then sink into a bottomless pit, you didn't ask for THAT when you married him! But if he was exactly this way since you got married, he's probably thinking, if you didn't like me the way I am, why'd ya marry me? But still, you could encourage him to change for the better, for his own health, also as an influence to the child which he will definitely be... you want him to show his child how to take care of himself.... Geez, good luck, sorry if I sound so confusing! LOL

M.,
I wouldn't take the "you need to stay attractive for your spouse" approach. You fell in love with him and married him the way that he is...

What I would do is take the approach that he needs to take care of himself now that he has a child that depends on him.

Good luck
MIssy

M.,
Of course you are not wrong!! What your husband is doing is a little gross!! And I know when you become a family you take the bad with the good... but basic hygiene is not optional! I don't really know what would help... but I think getting angry or nagging could make it worse... so perhaps some positive reinforcement... It sounds like he is stuck in a slump... but once he starts working out and taking care of himself he will probably like the way he looks and feels, so now the hard part is getting him started ;) GOOD LUCK!!!

Wow...this is a tough one. I hope that the medical conditions will prompt him get help. But if he id like my husband he won't until it gets unbearable. I hope he goes before it gets bad. Maybe talking your concerns over with his mom or good friend will help. It can be hard to listen to your spouse say they want you to change...if you knew this going into the marriage (he was always overweight)...then it will be HARD to get him to change...plus he might be doing it unconsiouly. Take a step back and realize that you loved him before and you love him now. You will have to decide how much u will let it bother you. Offer healthy foodsat home and lead by example. "Talks" may make him defensive and unwilling to change...that has been my experience with my husband's expectations of the house. So...remember you married the person inside NOT just the body. Good Luck! Tell us what happened.

I think you have every right to expect your husband to at least take care of himself. I don't know if you can really expect him to go to the gym. My husband goes to the gym and does real well for a few weeks and then goes right back to his old ways. But your husband should at least get his feet and teeth taken care of.

You're absolutely right. It's not all about looks but you have to take care of yourself because that helps maintain the attraction. Sometimes women don't take care of themselves and the first thing that men say when they cheat is, "She let herself go", "I wasn't attracted to her anymore". The same thing goes for men, I have lost and maintained weight but my husband doesn't do the same and I think that creates conflicts in the marriage.

M.,

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I am incredibly defensive and sensitive about the topic. I can understand why your husband is resistant, becuase I can get the same way. The conversations you are talking about having come across to him as "you're not good enough". It's hurtful when you're so sensitive about it, even though that's not the message you are trying to send.

You aren't wrong to feel the way you do. It's difficult to maintain a goodmarriage when your spouse isn't as attractive to you as they used to be, and it's not your fault that he's changed, or that you don't find those changes appealing. PArticularly a nasty skin rash. That's pretty yucky. What you might want to do is work on the way you approach the topic.

You have a child now. While you would be able to go on with life if something happened to him, that child suffers. Your little one suffers if something happens to their father. Doesn't he want to be around to watch that baby grow up? Doesn't he want to be healthy enough to play ball in the backyard, run around the playground, all the things Dads do? He needs to maintain his health as part of being the best FATHER he can be. Try to make this conversation about that, not about him, or about how YOU feel about him. One will make him depressed, and the other will make him resentful. Are you the one who cooks and shops? Build good eating habits into your everyday. Encourage him to bring lunch to work from home "to save a little money", and then put healthy choices in the house. Get a pair of bicycles and ride at the park on the weekend, because the fresh air is "Good for the baby". You can't make him do it, but every little bit helps, and it will be great for your little one as they grow to be raised in an environment where good eating habits and an active lifestyle is just what they grow up with.

Best of luck to you!

J.

You are not wrong at all! Usually it's the woman who tends to slack off on looking good for their spouse, but as we see, men do it too! A person who doesn't take care of themselves is more of a burden and a discomfort, rather than an enjoyable spouse. He is also going to set a bad example for your children if he doesn't change..your kids will think it's ok to not take care of themselves as well. I'm not sure what else to say besides talk to him because you already have, but maybe try one more time. Tell him that you're not as attracted to him (if that's the case, just say what you're really feeling) when he doesn't take care of himself, that you've been trying to take care of yourself for him, and that you don't want your children/child to develop bad habits when they get older.
I don't want to say "take away sex", but maybe when intimacy starts to arise, give him some hints that you're really not comfortable.
Congrats on losing the weight! Hope I can do the same after I have this one!
Good luck!

M.,
Hi, No you're not wrong at all! First fo all, you kept your good health and figure for yourself, no one else and that's the way it should be. Second, if he wants to be fat and nasty, let him. You tried to talk to him and he was uninterested. I would try one more time and then you take it to the next level; you deprive him. Go on with you and your baby's life, eat right, go exercise and be happy, don't look at him ( he's gross to look at), don't give him sex ( you're tired of being on top ), go dress up and go shopping with your girls ( make him wonder ) and most of all go places with him and look your best ( let him see the other guys looking at you . This sounds harsh I know, but you need the tough love side of it. Then when he comes to you and wants to talk, then give it your last attempt to express the importance of appeal in a marriage. I just hope you keep up the good work for yourself. I give you all the credit in the world because not all women have that drive to get back into shape after having a baby, especially within 10 months.
Love H.

Are you wrong for feeling the way you do? Well, you are entitled to your feelings, but MY GOD, "you really need to stay appealing to your spouse", are you kidding me?!? What happened to loving someone for who they are, and not so much on what they look like? What happened to loving your husband BECAUSE they are your husband and they love you; not because he doesn't look anything like Brad Pitt?

Listen, my husband has gained a lot of weight too over the last few years, but no matter how much weight he gains, I'm ganna love him anyway.

So my answer to you, 'Are you wrong for feeling this way?', you're not "wrong" to have feelings, but I'd say a little wrong for making your husband out to seem like this big gross man!
Shame on you!

M.
hi i dont know how you could think your wrong in anyway! i read your log and i had to tell you...your husband is being selfish i mean if you have medical insurance and he sees this rash "or problem" on his own skin..you would think he would want to take care of it! not taking care of it makes him way too comfortable ..maybe he feels since he has you why should he! but thats the wrong way to look at things! woman need to disire there husbands,boyfriends etc and you need to tell him STRAIGHT foward what is up! " listen hunny look at me i try so hard all the time to look like this! and its hard work! i love you so much but do you think i like looking at your rash, well i dont so i know you dont want to see a dermatologist but you need to! im going to make an appointment this week" LOVE YOU
lol i mean thats what i would say..im honest and open about everything..its not being mean its just i live with you and look at you and you need to at least try to maintain good clean matienance!....and on the weight issue!...my boyfriend has gained weight lately since i was pregnant and i didnt gain much at all....and i simply remind him before he puts any junk in his mouth..do you need that? or 2nd helpings i dont make i make just enough for dinner so theres no reason to overeat!...but thats just my advice your not wrong i would not take that i want my man too look good! soooooooo good luck but deffinitly tell him what is up!
-M. lk ronkonkoma!

i have the opposite problem. i am in a relationship. when we moved intogether i started of course buying things he liked from the grocery store for him to snack on. that was fine with me. it is one year later. did i mention 40 ilbs later. yeah and i worked hard to lose 15 lbs before i met him. i dont blame you one bit. i have cut back on buying the sweets he is just starting to relize it. but he did really gain weight so wheres the problem?