Ok my husband and I have been having one main problem in our marriage....sex. Shocking! One of the three most common problems in any marriage. Well I finally told my husband that the reason I refrain from doing almost anything sexual is because he's not circumsized. It just weirds me out and it is just never clean enough for me. We talked about why I'm not intersted and he's not interested because I have about 50 lbs to loose and he's just not attracted to me. Loves me but just isn't attracted, and I don't blame him.
So my question is, he said that if I get into shape and loose the weight and basically look totally awesome, then he will get circumsized. The only thing is is he doesn't think he has anything to worry about, but hopes he's wrong. Should I be offended by the offer, the lack of confidence he has in me that I will loose the weight, or the fact it seems a little lop-sided (no pun intended) of a deal?
His only reservation is that he thinks nothing will change sexually between us if he does get circumsized, and I don't know if it will either. I just don't want to be resented later if nothing changes. But I'm hoping it does from me working out and getting healthier, I hear it helps out your libido.
Any and all advice is welcome especially if you have been in a similar situation. Thanks in advance Mamas!
Ok so I have some not so nice responses here, and that's ok, I kind of expected it. After looking over my question I didn't make it very clear. That's my bad.
Yes I knew he was not circumsized when we were dating. IT wasn't that big of a deal, and it's still not. He cleans well, just by the end of the day after working and such neither one of us is exactly clean. I think I hurt his feelings if I ask him to go clean up, well because I would as well. But that's life...not always as clean 12-14 hours after a shower.
But the deal was HIS idea. I would never ask someone to lop off a piece of skin because of my own personal hangups. That is shallow and I agree with the ones who said it was. The reason he suggested it is because he thinks it's never gonna happen. I told him I wouldn't expect him to do anything about it, but that is a big reason for my turn offs. He has gained about 20 lbs himself and I tell him he is sexy all the time. We live in a shallow world today and yes it sucks. But that's what society as a whole is ( don’t take it as I’m talking about YOU specifically…just society). When he made the suggestion, I told him that’s like asking me to do breast lift after having kids because they are sagging. So he said since he would actually say that to me, there isn’t any difference. Yes I know it’s shallow, but I’d want to do it because I don’t want saggy boobs either.
I know we have a deeper issue in our marriage. We dated for a year and ooops I got pregnant. We got married because he said it was the right thing to do. I come from a divorced family from the same situation that I’m in so of course I had MAJOR reservations for getting married just because I was pregnant. But I do love him. He’s a great person. All the qualities I could ever ask for in a man. And I know he loves me too. But he has almost no tact. I knew that already. So when he says that I have weight to loose he’s not doing it to be mean, but honest like I asked him to be with me. And he wants me to be the same with him. We are coming up on our second anniversary, our third year together, so we haven’t been married all that long. We still have A LOT to learn about life, love AND marriage. Neither one of us wants to get divorced, not an option for our family.
I was just wondering if I should be offended because I wasn’t. If I’m shallow then, hey I’m shallow. I guess I fit in with most everyone else.
I wanted to add that I have been out of work for two years during my pregnancy and the first 16 months of my daughter’s life. I’ve been a SAHM while my husband works a full and part time job to support us. I am grateful for that. My kid is so self sufficient she doesn’t want me all the time to play with her which is good she’s not needy. SO I have the TIME, the DESIRE, and the MOTIVATION to work out. I just….don’t. Maybe it’s too hard. Maybe I have hidden resentment or depression. OR there isn’t any instant gratification for me. I know that’s shallow. We’ve already established that I’m shallow. Let’s not beat a dead horse! I’m ok with where I am. Yeah sure 50 lbs is the MOST I need to loose, if I want a totally rockin hot body. I’m 5’4” at 160 lbs. But realistically it’s 30 lbs to be healthy. I can do it. I’ve done it before. It’s just doing it. It would only take a month or so of hardcore working out and diet then its just maintenance.
I haven't read all the posts but to those of you that keep commenting "you knew before you got married that he wasn't circumsized" etc. ~~ You don't know if she knew .... not everyone on the planet gives it away before marriage.......Seriously people !!!!
Just wanted to put my two cents in...
I personally don't primarily have sex because my husband is "physically attractive"... I get turned on and I have sex because I'm very deeply in love with him and use it as an expression of that love.
That being said, he IS very attractive to me as well- he's actually a very good-looking guy. We have both put on weight after four kids- and not that I wouldn't want us to get back in shape, I do- but the weight gain has not affected the way I look at him sexually. (I'd say he's gained about 35 lbs or more since we met- I have gained about 25 lbs or more) But as our relationship grows, I'm just MORE AND MORE attracted to him- can't keep my mind off him! THAT is what sex in marriage is about.
Also, about him NOT being circumsized- you knew that before, I think that is specifically unfair.
Whenever there are "fights" about sex- The root of the problem is something else- it sounds like you all need to re-kindle that love that made you want to marry him in the first place
So you are asking if YOU should be offended? Aren't you the one who doesn't want to have sex with your husband because he's not circumsized?! Surely you knew this about him when you agreed to marry him for better or for worse! I think there is more to what your feeling, than what you are telling us. And no, you shouldn't be offended, 50lbs overweight isn't attractive and you wouldn't be attracted to him either if he were 50 ponds overweight. The best prediction of future bahavior, is past behavior and if your past behavior proves you are unmotivated in losing weight...well then, isn't he right? Sometimes the truth hurts and that's what really does get us motivated, is when someone actually points it out to us and we want to prove them wrong! Good luck to you!
Okay, I think, that the whole premise of your agreement... is not gonna fly.
Basically, if your/his sex life is only about a person's weight and non-circumcision... then well, I say just deal with it.
He wasn't circumcized ever since you knew him and was born that way... so why only "now" is that a problem?
Next, if your weight bothers him, well I'm sure he is no Brad Pitt either. So tell him get a grip.
A marriage/sex relationship takes all forms and effort. No all women are perfect models either... so he better get real.
It seems you both a bit sarcastically targeting each other and putting high expectations upon each other. Not realistically.
But yes, exercise for health is good. For anyone.
I personally, would not "make" a man/My Husband get circumsized.
My Hubby is not, in fact. AND... it makes no difference. It is the way he was brought up. In Europe... they are usually this way. Natural.
all the best, you will get a ton of opinions on this,
Susan
I hate to say it (and I am definitely not trying to be rude) but I am very surprised your husband wasn't offended. Don't get me wrong...My husband and I seem to only have one problem in our relationship and it's sex. I am just a little surprised your excuse if because he's not circumsized. I would seek marital counseling.
I would be interest in how long you and your husband have been together.
I have been with my husband for 21 years. Since then, he has gained about 50 pounds and I have gained about 70 pounds.
I agree whole heartedly with the the post from Mommy B. The sex we have now is so much better than the sex we had when we were both skinny enough to sneak it in the front seat of the car while we were sitting at the beach. (yes, I did just admit to public nudity. so glad my mom doesn't go on this site). Sex is so good because I am in love with my husband. I am attracted to so much more than his size. It is the qualities, gentleness and love he shows me that turns me on.
I don't know if this agreement you guys are making is going to help your sex life or your marriage. I hope I am wrong.
If him being circumcised before the baby wasn't big issue it just may be your issue with weight. Not a bad thing because it is very common that u deep down just may not feel like your sexy self anymore. I went thru that as well after my last baby, I still thought I was cute but after I finally lost the weight I got my mojo back. As far as ur husband, he not being circumsized may actually be a deep insecurity for him too and using ur weight as his crutch. Maybe he just never had the guts to do it untill now with a challenge.... If it will save your marriage and make u both happier I say go for it!!! PM me and I will let u know how u can drop the weight super fast...and no I'm not trying to sell u nothing just wanna share what I learned that worked!!
Regardless of a circumcision, better sex, etc. You need to lose the 50 lbs for your health, confidence, and well being.
And about the other moms who have gained 50-100 lbs and say your husband should love you the same regardless. I can say that there is no way my husband would feel that way. He was a personal trainer when we met, and I loved to eat healthy and workout. That was part of the attraction (similar interests and hobbies). So if I got unhealthy and overweight, that's not what my husband signed up for- and it shows a lack of discipline and self worth- how attractive is that? And I'm sorry- it doesn't make it "ok" for me to gain weight if he did too- now were both in the wrong.
The bottom line is that if your husband wouldnt have dated you if you were overweight when you met, then he probably didn't find it attractive. Yes- men are shallow. And yes- men do NOT think like women (no matter how bad you'd like them too). But I know that and accept it- I don't try to change it just so I can make my husband be the bad guy for feeling the way he does and it be ok about me gaining weight. Tyra is ruining the world....
I know you have already responded with your "so what happened" but I just wanted to throw in, I don't think either of you should have been offended. If you can't speak 1000% openly and completely honest about your feelings, desires, dislikes, hang-ups, etc. with your spouse then there is a MAJOR problem!! I'm sure there are MANY MANY times a spouse wishes there husband or wife would lose weight or do this or do that but don't have the courage, "balls", relationship, etc. to actually say something to the other one about it. I applaud both of you for "putting it out there" to each other.
It won't hurt you to lose weight, and apparently he's open to being circumcised. Why not make the deal? I don't see what's wrong with it.
There's no guarantee about how the outcomes will make you guys react, but nothing is guaranteed in life. Go for it. People change themselves every day.
And don't be offended, there's something you don't like about him, and something he doesn't like about you. Sounds fair.
Shock the pants off of him!!!! Literally and lose the weight...not for him but for yourself like you said you will look hot hot hot : ) Good Luck
I think you are both shallow. You knew he was not circumcised when you married him. And all it takes is 50 pounds for him to not want to look at you?
I've been with my husband for 11 years and I'm over 100 pounds overweight, and he's put on 30 since we got married. He still tells me how sexy I am, every day.
You two need to get over yourselves.
My husband is circumsized, but I still feel that neither of us are clean at the end of the day . I always take a shower in the evening on the day when I think "it" will happen:)
From my personal experience, when I lost weight it shot my sex drive through the roof:) Yes I did it for myself, but also for my husband. I do not see anything wrong with it. My husband never made any comments about me needing to loose weight or anything,but I know that he liked it:)
Get healthy, girl. Put your baby in the stroller and go walk twice a day, take her to the pool. With making healthy eating choices and some activity those 50lb will be gone in no time. It will feel sooooooo good. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!
I would probably be offended. However, it sounds as though you have tried to loose weight before and was not successful. At any rate, regardless of whether your husband believes you will loose and that he will automatically be attracted to you, you have to build your own self esteem. Love yourself at your current weight and as it falls off, maintain your confidence. Think about how you care for yourself. As mothers we tend to give ourselves to our family. Buy a new outfit, get yor hair done, wear make up.
Often times men are attracted to that.
Having sex with your spouse is part of marriage and intimacy, depriving him may cause wondering eyes. It is a sacrafice to do it when you don't want to but think of it as pleasing and satisfying him.
I hope it works out for you. Take care.
I never delt with that, but that seems like there is another underlying issue. When I met my spouse I was 115 pds (20 yrs old) since meeting him I now weigh 180. He still tells me he is attracted to me and our sex life has never been better. I know it would make me feel better to lose some weight, but he has never asked me to do that. I do agree with some of the others about showering with him, it can be a turn on. Other than that it sounds like both of you just need to sit down and talk, you might find out that it is really something altogether.
I just don't understand some men, and yes I am married as well. Why would your husband even think of giving you such an ultamatime. Sure you can loose 50lbs. or even more, putting your mind and heart into it. Come the time for this circumcision well, thats quite another story. With the negative attitude I'm hearing I don't think it will work either. I shouldn't say it, but it just seems as though the two of you have fallen out of love. I don't mean to be sarcastic or anything close to it but... If anything at all, and it does happen is that your going to loose this weight and loose him by finding someone who really loves you. Loves you for who you are. I hate these ppl. that always bring up weight in anyone. I weight, guessing 115lbs. and 5'6". I've been called anorexic, skinny, toothpick etc. I judge someone with their heart in my mind. The appearance is not the person. I worked in Healthcare and I heard so many complain about their clients'. Their so fat they won't do anything, and on it goes. I know at one point, I had a hefty client with a heart of gold. The nurse came in to see her and after the client went into her room, the nurse said, shes' fat she needs to loose weight. I just said to her "you have to get to know her" and believe me the nurse was no skinny minnie either.
I would certainly sit down and speak with your husband and tell him, okay I'm going to loose the weight but its for me "not you". When I do, Mister Wonderful just may come along because you are only thinking of yourself, if your embarrassed about me now and I loose weight, who's to say that you won't think of something else, just so you don't have to go under the knife.
Men will at times' pick anything such as being circumsized and in the end, they will run the other way, and honestly, this is what I think he'll do. I wish you all the best, regardless of your weight you sound like a very wonderful person, caring, giving. Your husband has a lot to loose and I don't mean in pounds. Take care, and think of yourself. Its' you who has to live with you, not him!!
Really the circumcision thing and the weight issue are really just excuses for bigger problems in the relationship. It's easy to put the blame on such issues instead of really dealing with the big problem.. If there truly was intimacy and a strong loving bond between you two it would not matter. Lust, passion, desire for your spouse is so much more than just what we see with our eyes. It comes from much deeper within. Work on building up a romantic relationship with him again. I was just watching something on TV about this subject.. I havent read it or know anyone that has but the book seems interesting. It's written by a Rabbi and he seemed to be very knowledgeable about building up a healthy sexual relationship in marriages.. The book was called The Kosher Sutra.. I am thinking about reading it just to learn something new. He had a lot of good advice, maybe you could look it up and see what you think.
