And Exactly Why Is MIL Stressed Out?

I'd suspect some of it is the fear that it won't "feel" like Christmas to her. Like another poster on the board today mentioned not yet feeling the Christmas spirit.... she may be worried that she isn't either and won't on the 16th. :/

And, having it early, may have her stressed/worried that she has forgotten something. I mean, I usually have most of my shopping done with about 10 days left to spare before Christmas, but I almost ALWAYS find a few things I have stashed away that didn't get wrapped yet, on Christmas Eve when everyone else is already gone to bed... So maybe she is trying to keep it all straight in that regard and thinking she won't get all the "put away" things out of hiding and get them wrapped. Or maybe she hasn't come up with the "right" gifts for everyone yet. That is always tough... when you are hoping that a super idea for someone will appear out of thin air, and time is dwindling for it to happen.

But probably, it is mostly stress about how things will go and whether she will feel like Christmas or whether she will feel like it wasn't "really" Christmas... and then on Christmas Day she'll feel let down.

Not at all suggesting that you shouldn't do this, only posing a theory about why she might be feeling stressed. Any sort of change can stress people out. Changing an event with as much emotional baggage as Christmas memories is just going to create the opportunity for the stress to be a bigger factor. But, it is something she will have to deal with, and it sounds like she is. Next year it will be even easier. :)

A lot of time my mil will get all bent out of shape unless people go directly to her with the changes.
Forgive me if this isn't the case or someone else already said it. But for us. Wecant even decide domething ahead of time it has to be right there with her that we come to the agreement.

Everyone has their own level of normal and tolerance for stress. So, while you might not be insensitive, it's true that you cannot relate to her feelings.

The second part of it is, how much of yourself do you want to invest in pondering this? Are you feeling guilty because it was your suggestion? I used to let my ex-in laws (who live closer) get in a tizzy all the time over this sort of stuff, and would just remember that while I thought it was crazy, it was *their* stress and their situation and I didn't need to fix it, only to offer help when it was appropriate to do so.

So remember this: while you don't quite understand the stress, don't try to analyze it. Remember, you can't relate, so just acknowledge that. Then, just offer: "Let me know what I can help you with, I would really like to help." Then, if she looks through the list for something you can help with, either she'll give you a few tasks and appreciate that you've offered OR she will not find anything she really needs to pass off and then she can take that deep breath OR she will take it all upon herself and stress herself out anyway AND STILL you've offered.

Sometimes, stress is more anticipatory than anything else. Just knowing you're going to have to do something/attend an event is sometimes more about the worries that come beforehand than the actual tasks/event. I can tell you that I suffer my fair share of this from time to time, depending on what the activity is (and what the previous family dynamics have been. Could that be coming into play here? I know its certainly colored how much I have looked forward to some things.). Learning to get past it, but it's still a challenge!

PS: Oooh, T.,re- read your last post on this wonderful BIL of yours. *Now* I know why she's stressed. You wrote that he had lost his license 7 years ago due to DUI and hasn't gotten it back yet, and spends his money and vacation time in Vegas. Maybe Mom is stressed that she's going to have to drive her grown son around for a week when it sounds like he's rather immature in his choices? Could be that the "holiday stress" is emotionally safer for her to talk about than her resentment that her son has made the life for himself that he has? Just my thinking, but these visits with your BIL may bring up some conflicting emotions for her.

Because you can't understand why she is stressed doesn't change the fact that she is. Sometimes as we get older we get more set in our ways and it's hard to accept a change in the established routine or to the plans we'd had in mind. Since she was approached it wasn't her idea and that could be the source of her stress. Or the fact it is 9 days before Christmas. Or that you won't be there ON Christmas Day...only she could tell you.

We buried our Mom yesterday, she was the epitome of graciousness and seeing things through others eyes, so I learned this at a young age. People are different, we don't react the same way. Offer to help/assist her however she needs to lessen some of her stress. Have a great Christmas!

Well, right at this minute I might feel the way your MIL does. Let's go at it from our view. I do all the shopping,wrapping, decorating, christmas cards,bakeing alone. No one lifts a fingure to help. They all want it perfect but NO one will help. I get the tree I decorate the tree alone. On Christmas Eve I will put everything around the tree alone while my husband SITS there. Now I do work. But it's no fun alone.Maybe after so MANY years of doing things alone she's worn out. Maybe your family was the only JOY she was going to have on Christmas Day. And now that's gone. I know that if my kids weren't home I probably wouldn't bother, (MY HUSBAND wouldn't even care). When your kids are little things are different. Call her ask how you could help, maybe invite her to do something with you and the kids other than her entertaing and serving everyone.

LOL...

Would you be stressed if

- You were supposed to have sex on the sidewalk?
- Your husband took 2 more wives?
- Your bank accounts were frozen for a month?
- Your electricity went out for a month?
- You needed to lose 10lbs in a week?

Find something that WOULD stress you out, a d I can find people who think that you're just being plain ridiculous.

What does she have to be stressed out about?
A question to remember when your kids are grown and you've retired. I rather doubt your life will ACTUALLY look like you imagine hers does!

Never make the mistake of assuming you know anyone else's "busy" level!
EVERYONE is busy!

maybe by "bent out of shape" he just meant she's b****ing about doing it early and is making everyone miserable lol.

This one's easy - you've thrown a wrench into her plan and she simply cannot handle it. Some people just do not handle change very well at all. Altho, seeing this was agreed upon two to three weeks ago, she should be able to adapt.

Sounds like my sister - altho, she agrees to change plans once in awhile when absolutely necessary - she'll continue to make snide comments and complain about all she has to do. Similar to your MIL, my sister has no job, no kids, no husband, no pets - nothing that would occupy her time as much as us but yet she's always "so busy" - I don't get it!!

I say just let her complain and try and go with the flow - do what you need to do and make the best of it.

Good luck!!!

Maybe your MIL just doesn't deal with stress well, ever. Maybe change stresses her out. Everyone is different.

She is stressed because you are all coming. She is not 25 anymore. The old saying God gives young people children for a reason. Yes you have kids and lots to do and you get it done. Please do not judge her. Be happy she is hosting. So yeah you are being a bit insensitive here. Sorry.

Jill T. Don't assume when people retire young they turn into old blobs. My husband did 37 years on the NYPD. He retired at 59 me at 52. We have a very active, very full,life. We love to travel, go out to many dances , have many many dear friends who we socialize with often. We babysit our grandchildren. My grandchildren always say when they go out with us they go home exhausted. They cannot keep up with the old fogies My husband is now 69 and I am 62. We plan on staying very active.

Sounds like entertaining stresses her out. The fact that she plans take-out food when having people over means she isn't comfortable cooking for others. I get that, but I also completely see it from your side. We have the same issue with my in-laws. They always complain about how busy they are and it's hard for them to see it from our chaotic, children-in-school, activities, running a business, planning almost all holiday gatherings at our home, side. They are used to their very easy-going life-style. Plus they are older and need to rest here and there. Your MIL is probably a perfectionist and wants everything to be just so. She also would probably much rather attend Christmas festivities at someone else's house so she can just relax and enjoy. Who wouldn't?! Offer to bring some food if that is an option. I know you shouldn't have to do that, but it would go a long way to help her.

why is she stressed.. cause she is old. and you are changing her normal routine the way it has always been.

my freinds mothers works herself up into a frenzy every year at christmas.. cause the mothers brother and wife come for xmas.. stay one night... and my friend comes with her hub and one child for the day. so total of 6 people ...in the mothers house.. old folks get all worked up over everything..

I totally get what you're saying and can empathize . . . however, I do wonder if there is an undercurrent here of resentment. Does she bend over backwards for this BIL, yet every little thing for your family makes you feel that you're putting her out?

If BIL is the chronic "problem child" it might be time to recognize that your in-laws don't have much gas in the tank for anything else to handle. As minor as it might sound for two relatively young, retired people - everybody has their tipping point.

I feel sorry for your husband and I think I would take the pressure off him and stop expecting much from them. Without being grumpy about it I would just draw some boundaries in future years. "Honey, we'll just stay home and call your parents and BIL." There's no reason that you should feel compelled to run up there with little kids and two full time jobs. I would come to you if you were my son and DIL (if at all possible).

Again, I would have pity on your husband and not put anymore pressure on him to somehow morph his parents into ideal grandparents and in-laws. But I wouldn't cater to their every whim either (and that's where he needs to give a bit).

Good luck - try to find some peace!

ETA: I'm saying not to go at all in the future, even after the holiday (or perhaps alternate years). But do it without being hostile. That's hard on your husband.

Doesn't matter. Seriously, it doesn't matter why she's feeling overwhelmed. If she is feeling that way, just accept it. Keep in mind that your husband told you that his father said that she is getting all bent out of shape. It could be that your FIL caught her in a bad moment, and she snapped at him. Maybe something was on his mind, and he took what she said or did the wrong way. Possibly she really is stressed. Lot's of things can get lost in translation. Don't worry about it.

My MIL buys us lost of presents each year. I mean lots of stupid, stupid things. (She buys junk.) She also buys us things that she thinks could/should be used a certain way. I used to feel pressure to do exactly what she wanted me to do with the gift or to really like what she bought, whether I actually did or not. Then I began to realize that that's not my responsibility. It is my job to be thankful and to show my appreciation. But it is not my job to have the same tastes as her. If she buys in excess or buys something I don't want, I don't have an obligation to her.

My point is, don't worry about. It's not your problem. Just go to her house for Christmas with a good attitude. Help out as much as you can and just have a good time. If she really is stressed, try to help lesson her load. If she is miserable, that's on her not you.

Have fun, visit, make sure your husband and kids are happy and don't worry about it. Just do the best you can with what you have.

Because some people aren't very "strong" and all you can do is be glad you're not like them. Some people no matter what their age just aren't very capable and no matter what, are stressed. I agree it's annoying but nothing you can do. Retiring young I think can sometimes make people age prematurely too. My parents worked onto their 70's so only now in their 80's are really slowing down and get stressed easier. It's like the saying "a body in motion stays in motion.". And it's a reason I hesitate to contemplate retiring young. I wonder why they don't come to you for Xmas though...

I agree with the others, it sounds like she doesn't deal well with a change in routine. Out of the kindness of your hearts, since you asked for this change in plans from last year, maybe you could ask her what about this year is causing her stress and see if there's a way to alleviate it. I agree, it's not a big deal and it helps you guys out, but if everyone else if fine with it, just see what her beef is and see if you can help. Good luck!

Well, maybe what you should do is bring all the snacks yourself, all the gifts, and just do YOUR part of Christmas and not worry about her part of Christmas. If she hasn't finished her gift shopping, then you all can come down later for that.

I think that it's not really an issue of stress, T.. It's an issue of her calling the shots. She wants you to do it her way. When things make absolute sense and she still won't listen, then that's what is going on.

Dawn

Maybe she is stressed because she doesn't like to entertain larger groups of people? Perhaps she is putting unrealistic pressure on herself to create a picture-perfect family Christmas and just doesn't want to do it. If they are retired and have their own activities and stuff going on, maybe she wants to enjoy a less work-intensive holiday season and not be cleaning and cooking. You could call her up and offer to bring a Christmas ham, or make some pies, or something. You're not being insensitive, but maybe you're forgetting how much work it can take to have 5 additional people in your home for the day.

The more you post about your MIL, the more I think that maybe she has some sort of anxiety disorder. She seems to have a lot of issues surrounding social gatherings and planning for them, so maybe a social anxiety disorder of some type.

With age even in her mid 60's she might get stressed out a little easier than when she was a lot younger. It's great she is active and healthy. Give her a break and be patient with them. You might not see what she has to do but she see's what she has to do and maybe she wants it to be a really special visit.
Maybe you should give her a call and talk to her and tell her everything will be great, not to stress. Tell her she will have help when you all arrive. Maybe a little reasurance and some kind words will put her at ease.

My mom suffers from anxiety and it has gotten worse as she has gotten older. She's in her late 60s. She has always been a bit high strung. Now she just cannot handle things much of the time...she completely freaks out over the smallest things. Yet she will not see a doctor about it. I am betting your MIL is similar. There is not much you can do about it really except not take it personally.

Maybe she has other plans with other groups of people and she is trying to juggle it all. Maybe she had planned to do something with the grandchildren and it requires preparation or was only available a certain day. Putting all our family's traditions of Thanksgiving day and the Saturday after Thanksgiving into one day would be too much for my mom. That's one of the reasons we have the two events, because we don't want to let go of all of the traditions. So maybe she is just stressed about fitting all the traditions into one day or trying to decide which ones not to do.

Sorry for being dense but, your BIL is "coming down to Florida" to visit you... but usually you had to "go up" to your Husband's parent's house to see BIL, and they live 2 hours away driving. But you all... (including BIL) are going to be driving "up" to see your Husband's parents on the 16th???
Why is BIL going "down to Florida" to see you/your Husband, but then he and you all then have to drive "up" to the parent's house to see them on the 16th??? I guess I don't see why BIL is driving down to Florida to see you, then having to drive back up, to see their parent's... when it seems like BIL usually is already at your In-Laws house, during the holidays... and you all typically see each other at their parent's house anyway??? Why can't BIL just also make his own plans to go see his parents, or time it so that you/your Husband/children don't have to travel twice every year to see the in-laws and BIL? Maybe BIL can be the one to go traveling around twice, every year? Since it seems like he is "single" or does not have a family???

Anyway, so to me, there is the same amount of people, at your MIL's house, for the 16th, as there usually is when you all went there for previous Christmas's?
Well, whatever the case may be... she is just all "stressed" because-- Her "routine" has been changed this year. And some people, just cannot handle change well, and it stresses them out. Even if it seems like no big deal to others.
She is just not good with being flexible and changing her thought process, about the routines for the Holidays.
So she is stressed.

And besides, I really don't see why you all have to travel twice... either.
But your MIL does not get it.