And Now He Is Lying!!! (Almost) 14 Year Old son....what to Do Now?

It seems like you're setting him up to lie and fail.

He really likes this girl. It sounds to me like you should be teaching him how to be responsible and thoughtful about his behavior, by giving him opportunities to behave correctly.

So how about GF comes over for family movie night? Or dinner? Or just to hang out?

Why don't you try to get to know her family? They can do homework together, etc.

Until you help him to handle this situation like an adult instead of a child, he's going to behave like a child. So set him up for success so he doesn't have to sneak and can be open with you and dad.

For instance: Why can't he go and see her before school? Walk with her?

Make it less of an issue and he won't hide it from you.

Never tempt dear ones to lie.

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If you're wondering where he's learning sneaky/manipulative behavior... Look at your 'plan'.

He's already busted. Why encourage him to lie further, get in more trouble, keep more things from you, etc.?

I am sticking this edit up here because it is very important. He does not fear the punishment, he fears only getting caught! He will just learn how to be sneakier so he doesn't get caught.
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If you really didn't see this coming you need to change strategy. Teens are not like children they don't fear consequences they experience them. Grounding doesn't work. More than that irrational grounding makes things worse.

You said a few questions ago he was getting bad grades so you grounded him. Did you ever stop to think why was he failing? It isn't because he isn't grounded, it is because he is doing something when he is supposed to be doing homework. What was he doing instead of homework? You take that away until the homework is done, easy as pie.

I went through trying to figure out why he is sneaking out and couldn't find what your restrictions are. Clearly they are too restrictive or he wouldn't be lying and sneaking around. I don't actually know why parents do this but you have a plan that isn't working so instead of a new direction you double down on what hasn't been working and then are shocked that was even worse.

Well now that you are probably angry with me here is what I see. He went behind your back and saw this girl, still he did nothing. He knows not to do anything with this girl even when people aren't around. He can be trusted but instead of saying I trust your judgement you made a rule that says I don't trust you.

Can you imagine how you would feel if your husband said I trust you honey but I am going to micro chip you and install a GPS device and I am installing cameras in the house and car to make sure you are doing what you say you are? Even though you did nothing wrong, would never do anything wrong, you would say hell no! He is saying hell no!

Try a different direction, one that you actually listen to what he says, one that shows you trust him. You say you trusted him but your actions spoke louder than words.
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Oh, Aunt Mel Mel reminded me of a way to get his grades up. Remind him that if he doesn't get good grades he will never get into college. I know I hated my mom at that point enough that realizing that compelled me to honor roll. No way I was spending one day past graduation under that roof.

Oh and my parents were perfect like you guys.

My tried and true theory about raising teens is:

"Extra strict parents create extra sneaky teens!"

He's 14 and likes a girl. I don't condone the sneaking out late at night, but come on, let the guy spend some alone time with her. Not in a bedroom of course, but hanging out somehow. In a group, downstairs watching a movie, playing pool/tennis, listening to music....

I got half way thru your post and immediately saw a red flag. You know he didn't go to tutoring. Do not ask him how it went. When you do that you're enabling him to lie. You need to be direct and tell him you checked with the teacher. All of your communication with him needs to be calm and direct. Do not set him up to lie.

You want to teach him to tell the truth and you want to make it easy for him to tell the truth. You sound mad. Understandable. However, once you put emotion into the situation you've lost the battle. Your anger triggers his anger. Your goal is to teach honesty. Not to punish dishonesty. Punishment gets the issue of being honest side tracked into dealing with the emotion of anger.

Also the tone of your post sounds like your more focused on catching him in a lie than in helping not lie. Instead of telling him you don't trust him, try telling him that you know he will figure out a way to be trust worthy. Reward him along the way when he is telling the truth. Perhaps have her come over for a couple of hours on the weekend when he's gone the week without sneaking out. Rewards teach much better than punishment.

I suggest that you've come down too h*** o* him. The pressure of being punished builds up until it explodes into finding a way to relieve the pressure which results in telling another lie.

I urge you to be matter of fact. Tell him you know he lied and give him a consequence that will be over in a relatively short period of time. Give him a chance to prove that he's trustworthy. When you carry on with the consequences over a long period of time he gets discouraged. There's no way to prove he can be trusted.

It's reasonable to not let him have communication devices for a week or even two but for months? As you've learned, this did not cause the relationship to cool. It built up the intensity and the need to find a way to be together. By allowing them to talk on the phone they don't have such a strong need to be together. The phone conversations act like a pressure valve.

If he wants to make plans he doesn't need the phone, as you've seen. So not allowing him to use the phone has not stopped the behavior you want to stop.

I strongly urge you to back off some. Yes, give him a consequence for this lie. Make it quick and short. You've gone all out with the big guns already and so I'm having difficulty thinking of a good one. AV has a couple of good ideas for logical consequences.

Based only on your posts if this were me, I'd probably tell him that you know he didn't go to tutoring and ask him how he thinks he'd best learn to be honest. After a discussion during which I'd tell him I know he's capable of honesty, I'd say I'd give him another chance to start over. Then I'd plan with him what both of you need to make this work.

You've told your son in no uncertain terms that he's a liar. He's now showing you that you're right. I doubt that is what you want. Give him something positive to live up to.

Since you're the reactor and your husband is the cool one, I'd include him in this discussion. I'd talk with him first about how to handle this.

Since you're thinking that this is very serious; not just a part of your son's learning and growth, I suggest that you talk with a counselor who works with teens.

What you've done so far hasn't worked. I suggest it's time to try something different.

First of all...not all broken home kids are out of control. Second and from a kid whose mom set her up ALL the time...kids get wise to it and start getting sneakier (if that is a word)!

You're not getting through to him because you lie to get him to lie! Lead by example, point blank tell him you called the teacher and know he wasn't there. Because if you bait him like you plan, you're really not much better than him! And he will see it and use it against you in the future. I know...I did it.

I dated a boy for 3 years because my parents said I couldn't...I almost ran away with him to get married at 18...do you want that to happen? I was in the car ready to go with him and realized I was only doing this to piss my mom off!

He may have material possessions but I think he's wanting something else from you and dad...you might try that angle.

Long punishments are h*** o* every one.

Hoping and planning they will grow apart, is not a good or realistic wish or plan.

Yes, he lied and he went out without your permission. Both of these behaviors I cannot abide.

Yes, he deserved everything you are doing.. But you have made it too much too long.

I would well him it will be a month of punishment, but if every week he can go without lying, without being sneaky and doing as he is asked, you will give him a day off. from punishments.

This means either once a week, or he can collect them and at the end of the month.. he can end his punishment 4 days early.

And mom, You must praise his good behaviors when you see them. Do not seeth with the memories of why he is under house arrest. Instead, LOOK and mention the positive.

Also do not set him up to lie to you this afternoon, instead tell him. I call ed your teacher and she told me you did not attend tutoring, so tell me what is going on. What did you really do. I will not be mad IF you will tell me the truth.

Then allow him to tell you the truth. Then let him know how it makes you feel. Let him know what it took for all of you to get up earlier rush around etc.. Let him know you feel he was very inconsiderate. And tell him you are disappointed because you know he can do better.

Let him know that girls/women, do not stay wit men that tell lies and manipulate them. So he needs to start speaking up with the truth and accepting the answers you give him. Speak with him as though he is in college, not like a child. He can and will live up to the respectful way you begin treating him.

To me this is a dad issue to take care of. There's soemthing about teenage boys and their dads (men in general) that works better than moms. These young men trying to expert their independence and stretch their wings will defy their parents. His hormones are running wild and his little head is taking over his big head. He's going to do anything he needs to to get to be with this girl. You don't say how much older - is she 2 years older or is she in college?

Now he's lying to find a way to spend time with this girl. He wants to see her, he wants to make out (or more - he'll NEVER tell you if it's gone to the next level) with her, etc. Why this girl's parents had no clue (or didn't care) about their daughter being with her boyfriend from midnight to 5 AM is a completely different issue - but how other people raise their kids (or don't) impacts our kids tremendously.

When he gets home from school he's got to be at your side (your shadow) until dad gets home. Give your husband a heads up and if you can discuss between the two of you before yoru son gets home. If your husband doesn't want to take this on you have to persuade him that your son needs his dad, the man in his life to be the leader of the family and set th ings straight. your husband must tell your son what is expected of him (we expect that you won't lie to us, we expect that you're not going to have sex with this girl, we expect that you're going to follow the rules of this house, etc.) Have your husband ask your son how he's feel if his little sisters snuck out of the house at 9:00 at night to go to their friends house. Or if his little sister lied about who she was hanging out with after school - she said she was going to Emma's house but went to Becky's house instead and when Emma's mom called for another reason you were all sent into panic. Make sure your husband and you have the same voice to your son. The three of you should sit down in private (out of little sister's earshot) and your hsuband should do the speaking. Let you son know that you have the same authority as dad. But your son needs your husband to set the tone, set the example and show him how a responsible man behaves.

Realize that your son is drawn to this girl like a moth to the flame so making her off-limits is only going to make the attraction greater. Instead tell him he can see her as much as he likes in your living room when you're home. We did that with our 16 yr olds' various boys that she liked. It gave us (and my daughter) a very distinct and clear understanding of who really wanted to spend time with her - no matter if it was in her parents' living room - versus who wanted her for other reasons. It helped her cull away 2 boys and keep another around (until they sizzled out). Invite her for dinner - make your family an open-door. Then you and your son will see if she really wants to spend time with him even if they're watching Netflix in your living room, or not. Nothing sizzles a relationship faster that seeing what that girl (or guy) is like while hanging out on mom's couch with little annoying younger siblings around - unless she's a really nice girl.

As for defending your family - the boy is 14 - doesn't matter what kind of family he comes from - he's a teenager. Their job is to rebel and push boundaries. Our job is to be the mean parents and push back. It's as old as time itself - nothing new under the sun so don't feel like you're a failure. It's a new world we step in to when our kids become teens - and until we've parented a teen we're still amateurs. Mine are 13 and 16 and I'm scared to death of the next 6 - 7 years. I spend a lot of time in prayer!!!

I agree with Marda, PLEASE don't set your son up to lie to you. He will think he has to, to protect what he believes he needs (contact with the girl he adores), and you will not only be in direct competition with this girl, but he will feel you have trapped and humiliated him.

This is NOT what you want to have happen at this critical point in your evolving relationship with your growing-up child. It is one of many ways my mother tricked and maneuvered my sisters and me that has made it very difficult for any of us to have a "good" relationship with her, and we are all in our 50's or older now, and all struggling to have a meaningful relationship with a woman who is becoming dependent in her old age.

The wonderful book Nurture Shock explains a great deal about raising teens and understanding teen attitudes, based on actual studies and polls. Here is the section on lying and children: http://nymag.com/news/features/43893/

I also strongly recommend the helpful book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. There's a teen version that will probably be better for you. This is possibly the single best, most useful, sanest and most practical book of parenting I've ever read.

Hi, mom of three teens here.
I may be in the minority but I don't think you should be so focused on the lying aspect of this.
He is 14 and not allowed to see his girlfriend anywhere but at school. The lure of "forbidden" love at this age is stronger than his sense of morality. Of course he will make up a story if it means he gets a chance to see his girlfriend!
Disciplining a teenager is NOT like disciplining a child. You need to adjust your expectations, and now it is more crucial than ever to stay connected with your son.
I would not punish him further for lying to you, but I would let him suffer the natural consequence of his behavior: a loss of trust. Let him know that because he has lied to you about going to school early, you will no longer drop him off early (or stay late) without checking with the teacher FIRST. That way he actually LEARNS something from this: lying to mom isn't a good idea!

I haven't gone back to see your previous post--I will do that shortly, but wanted to address your "what do I do" specifically about asking him how this morning's tutoring session went. Please, do not ask him that and set him up to lie. Just come out with the truth, that you asked the teacher and he was not there. What is the point of asking him something you know he will lie about in advance, other than to trap him and let yourself get even angrier. You know he is not going to "come clean". Why would he? You would do better just to come right out with it. You are going to anyway, so why set up a situation for him to lie?

Your decision to force him to cut off the relationship is creating the perfect ROMEO & JULIET scenario. Of course he will sneek and lie to see his beautiful Juliet. This may very well be his first love and he is quite attached to this girl.

Your strategy will only force them to cling tightly to each other and attempt to prove to you that their love is real. (Puppy love is very real for the puppies involved.)

A much better strategy would be to create forums where they can spend properly supervised time together often and frequently. The more time they spend together and the better they get to know each other the more likely they will naturally break up and find other interests or they really could be meant for each other in which case they will have your valuable approved input into a better quality of relationship.

By the way the fact that your kid never sees his parents have a conflict and resolve it isn't particularly healthy for him. He will have no point of reference on how to handle conflict in relationship. The girl also has a background with family and may be experiencing a very different type of growing up experience than your son is and how they handle their relationship will mirror what they know and what they have seen. This alone may be a recipe for the demise of this puppy love but you must let them spend time together supervised and in groups.

There does need to be some clear punishment or penalty for lying. Then you need to develop a plan for how, when and where he can spend time with this girl.

My son was 15 and dating secretly this girl. Her mother forbade her to see him and here we are 3 years later and they are still together and even attend the same college to prove their "love" will last. I wish she had made a very different decision for her daughter and my son. Will there relationship last? Time will tell but I don't say anything about it but am as supportive as I can be even though I don't think they are a great fit as a couple.

Hang in there and honestly a change in strategy may be in order.

Stop with all the punishments..it is backfiring on you. It is not working..and only making your home life for everyone not the peaceful,safe haven it should be...especially for a teenager. You are pushing your son away at such a critical time in his life when he needs parents to talk to and confide in.

The lying will continue...he does not fear punishment. He will instead make up a game plan to continue to dodge you and find a way to be with her. Don't drive him away. The more you push...the more he will resist. I can't say this enough.

Find a way to have this young lady a part of his life with safe limits. You can find a night a week to have her over for dinner and play a game. Invite her entire family over for a dinner once in awhile.

Our son is 13. He is not allowed to date until he is 16. So, we invite all his friends (co-ed) over once a week for a "homework club" for a couple hours. He likes a specific girl and we invite the whole family over for dessert occasionally, or a dinner. We have invited the family to go caroling with us in a couple weeks. THis allows them to have time to see each other with supervising eyes.

You mention you don't have time to do these things in your post. I am sorry to say that your son doesn't have the time either...but he is being creative and finding the time..lying about study hall....sneaking out of the house. You have to find a way to make it work....and it just might mean certain kids miss out on various activities for awhile during this time you are trying to save your son from a path you don't want to see him on. Find other moms to take your kids to dance practices for awhile...find a way.

I wish you the best..

I don't quite understanding setting him up to lie again because he will. He is a 13 year old boy that has a 16 year old girl willing to sneak out overnight with him. He is a horny, teenager that really is past due for some honest and direct communication with his parents.

Mama, you are fooling yourself if you think the lack of *his* phone is going to stop them from setting up time together. You are really underestimating how ceative kids can be. I bet if you knew the entire story about your son your head would spin!!

Lastly, your perceived family "insurance policy" that he will be a perfect kid because he doesn't have a boken home is way off base. I am divorced but we are not broken in any way, especially in the communication department.

Good luck!

He is lying to you because he cannot talk to you without being punished.
I havent read your previous posts, but if he is a good kid in general, why cant he have a girlfriend?
Do you think the reason the girl hasnt been punished is because they think your son is a nice kid and do not mind him being her boyfriend?
I would stick with the punishment you have already assigned, but maybe try talking to him, see how he is feeling. Clearly he likes this girl a lot. It is not the worst thing in the world.
If you punish him nonstop he is going to give up and go behind your back. If hes going to be punished all the time anyways, what does he have to lose.
Good luck!

honestly I have a 6 year old so if have no advice but memories from when i was that age with a boyfriend and i can tell you what did NOT work with M.

-my parents forbid my boyfriend because he was 3 1/2 years older (15, 18). this made M. lie, sneak around and so on and made him that much more attractive. i ended up staying with him from 14-26. from 14-17 i lied about his name, age and school. they forgot who he was, caught M. walking with him and then asked who i was hanging out with. it was either; get grounded for 2 weeks for hanging out with the older boys, or take advantage of the fact they forgot who he was and lie. the whole neighborhood called my ex mike and said he was in high school while he was in college. his real name was Jay. An entire community of kids lied to my family. I tried several times to come clean but knew I’d be grounded for life.
Also, I was doing x rated things with him (work computer , don’t want to type it). I would bet money that your son is. You don’t sneak out and walk an hour each way in the middle of the night and risk consequences J. to kiss.

Anyway I know that if my parents put those strict limits you have with your son, on M., I would’ve been doing what he is doing. It would continue to get worse because in my head there wasn’t a choice. Teen love is dangerous. those hormones, that passion...gosh those feelings were awesome...and serious too. remember the fall from the high of those hormones? Teen break up is serious.
Anyway if I was you. Instead of baiting him to lie I’d tell him I knew as soon as he walked in the door. Give him his punishment. I'd make it reasonable. You're punished for 2 weeks (if you're caught lying in these 2 weeks then its doubled, and so on..so if you want to see your girlfriend and you are in love, you should think twice about continuing to lie) and then you can see your girlfriend unsupervised in public areas (honestly if he’s doing inappropriate things, they will find a way no matter what...you have to provide him with tools and educate him and trust him); malls, movies, and with friends around. I'd also ask if he needs protection and lecture on std's and pregnancy.

that’s my advice based on my past not on having kids, so it may be all wrong

Wow, so holding your kids to a standard of honesty and respect and then holding them accountable is called bullying now? I strongly disagree, Diane D. = /

That said, I agree with Diane B....it's time to talk. I teach MSers and they are capable of great understanding and empathy when given the chance to share their minds on these issues. Extend this beyond the basic - carry it forward into the future with questions like, "how do you think trust can hurt relationships with people we care about?" "Why do you think Dad and I need to be able to trust you completely when you're out driving, etc?" Decisions have consequences. Choosing to be dishonest will never result in more trust, naturally it will result in the opposite. "Which would you prefer?" He needs to understand this in this way, rather than in a strictly punitive one...let him know he's more in control of this than he may think. Adolescents need to feel like they can control / direct the things in their lives that are meaningful to them, so this can be very effective.

Good luck, mama.

ETA: Why is everyone interpreting your strategy as "setting him up to lie" as opposed to "giving him an opportunity to tell the truth"? The choice to lie (or not) is his.

I don't think you said how long the grounding or removal of the phone is for. Your post is quite long, all I can say is, don't make the punishments too harsh. If he sneaks out, grounding for a week, and he gets caught up on homework during the week. I don't really see the point of taking the phone away. If he wants to make plans with her, he can do it at school.

Remember, this is a first time offense. Give him consequences, but you can't blame a kid for trying something once. That's what teens do, to an extent.

Lighten up on the girlfriend issue. It's normal for a fourteen year old boy to have a girlfriend. I don't think you should tie seeing his girlfriend to his grades -- the two things are not related.

I'm unclear on how long the grounding is for. My main advice is don't make punishments too Draconian, or they will have a reverse effect.

You can't bully him into acting the way you want him to act. It's time for the 'with grown up rights comes grown up responsibilities' speech. What's the real issue here? Is it that he's got a girlfriend and you assume automatically that he's having sex or that he's sneaking out of your house during the night and you are afraid that something could happen to him while he's out. Because it appear you are mixing the two together when it actually seems to be that he's got a girlfriend.

If having a girlfriend is your real issue then the more you push against it the more he's going to defy you. Instead welcome this girl into your home with supervised visits. Have your rules of no one in the bedroom or the bedroom door open at all time. Talk with him about birth control, stds, and how a bad decision now can effect his entire life. Don't do it in a judgmental way just give him facts and data and answer any questions he may have.

Change your tack on the situation.
Take them to the movies this weekend.
Let them know you are ok with seeing each other AS LONG as they are not being sneaky or unreasonable about it.
Especially if this is a long term life long relationship - then good grades and good careers would only make their future all the more rosy.
True love does not get in the way of either of their potentials.

He's letting his hormones get the better of him. It's really hard for teen boys to think straight when all they have is sex on the brain all the time. But that doesn't make his behavior OK. You've already figured out that he's probably done more than just kissing. Good for you because he probably has. There would be little reason other than sex for sneaking out to see her in the middle of the night.

He snuck out and lied so he does deserve to be punished. I would take the phone away indefinitely. And he were my son, he'd better hope he doesn't really need to make up any work because I wouldn't be taking him to school early or letting him stay late anymore. I'd be driving him everywhere he needed to go, and making him go along on your other kids activities-all of them. He has proven that he can't be trusted and needs to earn it back.

He's only 13. He's way too young to be trusted to make good decisions with girls. Kids that age should not be alone with the opposite sex. And that girl should go find someone her own age. 2 years makes a big difference in the teen years. I'm surprised she's even interested in someone as young as your son.

Honestly, if it were me and some 16 yr old girl was encouraging my son to sneak out and lie I'd put the kibosh on the relationship. I'd call her up and tell her it's over...quit calling him...quit talking to him at school and go find someone your own age. I'd call her parents and let them know what she's up to and tell them she's not to contact your son anymore.

I'd tell my son that unless he never wants to have his freedom back, he is to be done with this relationship.

Sometimes tough love is the only way.

Well, something I would do is no longer change your plans unless you hear from the teacher directly. He has lost that avenue. I would also think about how much of a problem he caused this AM and he should have to do something nice for his sisters who had to sit in the cold for his behavior. He should have to face them and tell them he lied and apologize and then do some of their chores or something.

The other thing is, I'd continue to have some talks with him. Recently, my 18 yr old nephew was going to run off with his 15 yr old online girlfriend. OH BOY did that cause a stir in our family. His mother talked to him and my DH talked to him and talked him down from his ill-conceived plan. Sometimes it's not "things" that they need, but something from us. Does he need more of your direct time and attention? Does he need you to attend more games? Does he need you to be more interested in who he is? I think on some level, while my DH was not neglected, he was the last baby and left to his own devices more than he should have. But to this day he craves people, sometimes to my annoyance. He tells the story of wanting to ride a bike and not learning til his dad was on the porch to watch him. So maybe some of that is going on, too. My ILs have been married more than 50 years. You don't need to be divorced to still have some dysfunction.

Girlfriends are fun and exciting and 14 yr old boys don't think clearly about them. Have you or his dad sat down and talked about those feelings with him or just said no? Do you know why he's so willing to lie to you about her? Why does he feel he needs to be bad to be with her? Is that healthy? If he thinks so, why? I think that a lot of kids get into Twilight and other movies and don't have a clue about Real Life and Real People.

Teen brains have been described as a Ferrari with bad breaks. http://www.parade.com/news/2010/11/28-inside-the-teenage-... It's a tough job sometimes but you need to help him learn to use the brakes, and that might include showing him some responsible ways to see his GF without lying to you.

Oh dear.

I understand you wanting to give your son a chance to tell the truth. So, instead of setting him up to lie, just come out and say, "Would you like to tell me the truth about where you were this morning?"

He'll know, by that, that you are aware the whole morning snafoo had nothing to do with tutoring.

Some may not agree with me, but I don't think your punishments have been too harsh after him sneaking out of the house. I also strongly disagree with just letting him have his girlfriend around as much as he wants.
That's ridiculous! That just sends the message that if sneaks and lies enough you'll give up and let him have what he wants. In this case, a girlfriend.

For one thing, 13 is FAR too young to be in a relationship. The girl is older so perhaps that's why her parents see no problem with it. For another thing, why is a 16 year old girl interested in a 13 year old boy? She'll be 19 before he can even get his driver's license.

It sounds like they were allowed to be around each other quite a bit so the "forbidden love" thing doesn't exactly fly with me. What it sounds like is they want to do more than just go to parades, watch movies, or "hang out".
In my opinion, you have every right to be concerned about that. The fact of the matter is that since they started seeing each other, he's snuck out of the house in the middle of the night, at least twice, and he's lied about going to tutoring. All in a span of two months.

That's NOT a happy pattern.

The girl has not exactly been a good influence on him. It doesn't matter to her because she doesn't get in trouble. If she cared about him, she wouldn't want him in trouble either.

Maybe you should ask him what HE thinks his punishment should be, not just for getting you to fall for a tutoring session, but for everyone having to be ready early and his sisters having to wait before school and your day being rearranged when he knew full well what he was doing. Did he feel even slightly bad about it or was any punishment in the world worth 30 minutes of doing something, AGAIN, behind your back?

It all boils down to trust. Does he even care if you trust him or not? That's something that you and dad are going to have to sit him down and talk to him about. If he's behaving this way at 13, does he really expect you to trust him with a driver's license or the use of a vehicle? That's one example of something that's totally based on trust and a demonstrated sense of responsibility. So far, he's in the hole in the trust department, and he's dug that hole all by himself.

I wish you the best.

yes it was wrong of him to try to sneak out to see his girlfriend but i think youre going overboard with the punishment... i agree he shouldve been grounded for sneaking out.. but if im understanding this right hes not allowed to have contact with thsi girl in anyway outside of school hours?? hes 14 not 8... why cant he talk to her on the phone? why cant she come over to your house and hang out and watch tv with him (with you there of course) maybe in the living room or an area where everyone in the house is or can hear/see.. not in his room of course.. im not going to lie i think the fact that you are basically giving him no time with this girl is the reason hes pushing so hard and going against your wishes to see her.. did you ever think that if you let them spend some time together everynow and then they wont be infatuated with eachother

I would ask him how tutoring went. Ask him what he worked on. Let him talk. If he confesses, tell him you appreciate him telling the truth. If he lies, then say, "Well, that's odd, because I asked the teacher and you were not there. SO, where were you?" Try to ask brief questions without a lot of emotion, and do not say anything about punishment. Find out what he's thinking - that's the part you are missing. You might ask, "What do you think a parent's response should be to a teen who lies?" "What, if any, problem do you see with lying?"

I'm not sure I understand your comments about "broken homes" or "stable, loving family." Do people comment that they think problems only occur in divorced families? I think those people are insulting the millions of single parents out there.

Your son IS lacking in something. I'm not sure what, so you need to find out. Whatever you are giving him in terms of material possessions sounds generous. You and your extended family give him support and attention. So why is he still lacking something? I know that you want to "get through" to him but maybe he needs a chance to "get through" to you and his father about what he thinks, wants and feels. I'm not saying you're wrong, but it doesn't help that he apparently thinks you are wrong. So you can't fix it until you know what's going on in his head. You say he is "spoiled" - does that mean he doesn't know how to go without something he wants? I don't know, but maybe he needs to give more and get a little less?

Don't be afraid to get some professional advice on this. He'll be wanting to get a learner's permit and license in the near future, so it's a good time for him to think about responsibility and not just immediate gratification.

And it may be that seeing his girlfriend under more transparent conditions would be a good compromise - no sneaking out in the middle of the night, you have to know where he is, and if he complies and you can trust him then he gets expanded privileges. Let him know WHY you are concerned about him, and what a 14 year old's decision-making capacity is - let him know (and support it with independent scientific info) that a person's brain is not fully formed until 25, and the last thing to develop is the part of the brain that predicts consequences and assesses danger. That's why you can't vote or buy cigarettes or enter the military or even buy a lottery ticket until you're 18.

Let him know that his job is to go to school and have a great time living his life - and that it's up to him whether he brings restrictions on himself. But let him know he can talk to you openly without fear of repercussions. That's the key step you want in place before full blown teen years.

Good luck.

i am really messed up today, I am so mad at these responses that i just want to cry for you. I have NO idea what to do but it seems like everyone says let them get pregnant and you can enjoy being a grandma at 36. but cause they are going ot screw anyway, why not give them your bed. WTH

I agree completely with Marda.

A few things I'd like to add. I remember being in a similar boat as your son, except I was 16 and dating a 13 year old and I was the one caught lying to my parents. This was before cell phones but we were able to make plans, do things we thought were sneaky (mom's always seem to know otherwise) and I would often use a friend to communicate through to him.

But one thing my mom always did when I got in trouble was to use the "I statement." "I feel hurt by your lies." for example. Somehow hearing her words and how my actions betrayed her did something to me and I never did like hearing it. But it did make me rethink my actions.

Also whenever I got into trouble, I chose my punishment. It was my parent's way of making me take responsibility for my actions so I can see what I did wrong.

So I remember lying to my parents one day saying I was going over to a friend's house for New Years Eve. And I did. I just didn't say it was to my boyfriend's house (whom they hadn't met yet). Well I was late getting there and he called my house and poof my mom found out about my lie. So I thought I'd ground myself from the phone and I said a week. My mom agreed about the phone AND the computer for 2 weeks unless I had good behavior.

I learn pretty quickly how to punish/ground myself and what the expectations were. Oh I'd still sneak downstairs and talk to my boyfriend on the phone-after my parents were in bed and I'd go into the basement and talk softly just to make sure they wouldn't hear me but I often felt guilty about it.

So when you said your said seemed nervous the day of the tutoring-he was and he was also feeling guilty. Use that.

Use his girlfriend as a reward. And let him know if he shows good behavior she can come over this weekend or maybe if he brings his grades up she can come over during the week.

He wants to spend time with her-that is obvious. So use her as the reward not the consequence. The more you try to separate them the more he is going to try to be with her and hence all the lies.

You did nothing unreasonable for what he did before.
I agree, don't set him up to lie. Set him up to think.
Best to be in the car going on an errand. Be deadly calm, even casual.
Mention the girls didn't like to wait around this morning.
Wait for it.
Mention, I am glad you took the time to catch up on work. I was inconvienced this morning at work but I made use of the time.
Wait for it.
I was worried about you getting it all done so I called the teacher.
Wait for it. Truth should be coming out of his mouth.

Then, I am disappointed you would lie to me and inconnivence everybody while you selfishly acted exactly as you wanted. We are family and that's not what familys do.

Ask him what punishment he thinks is appropriate.
ask him how he plans on making that up to his sisters and to you.
Tell him how well you thought he was doing and how you planned to give back phone privileges. Tell him his decision to lie has told you that he is not responsible or mature enough to handle a relationship or maybe even playing sports. If he is going to act like a 10 yr old you are going to treat him like one.
You and your H will discuss this and decide on his punishment.

Be aware of the consequences of bad influences. I would bet you could look no farther than his basketball team. Locker room stuff is crappy. Talk to his coach. Have the coach scare the pants off of him with his own brand of shape up or don't play.

The others are right with the girl in the living room stuff. When he has worked off this punishment and if they are still together, have her come over for a movie. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. No where but the living room, parents must drop off and pick up. We all tend to overestimate our SOs responses to things. He will eventually see the shinny wear off of her.

Does your school district allow you to change schools? If so, I would tell him that the next time he disregards your rules he will be going to a different school, even if it means losing out on being on the b-ball team. make sure he knows it's about the lying not the girl. It seems like he's trying to turn this into a Romeo and Juliette and we all know how well that turned out.

Personally I believe 14 is too young to date to begin with. Ask a girl to a dance, sure, but not to have a serious one-on-one relationship. They just don't have the maturity to understand the difference between the fantasy of TV and real life (not to mention the"14" yr olds on tv are really 18).