Angry Child - Lima,OH

I also just answered to another post about a strong willed child, however from your post your situation is quite different.
If I read this correctly your son is ALWAYS angry and always defiant. To me that is a red flag.

I have a strong willed child, but she is not angry, she is sweet much of the time and stubborn about getting what she wants at other times. Yes, sometimes that means a tantrum, even at 5 years old, but it is never anger, just frustration. She wants to please, it is just hard for her to unite her own impulse and wants with what is expected of her - and it takes her a while to get to the point where she will adjust her behavior.

Here are some questions I would ask myself: does this happen just at home? How is he doing in school, particularly with peers and teachers? How about other family members? Keep a diary and write down the moods that you see, when is he happy and relaxed (if ever), does he ever follow directions (yours or other's) or is he always defiant? What are the situations in which his behavior is better or worse.

I do not think that a child that is constantly angry, never or rarely really happy or relaxed is "normal" and that you should get counseling and discuss this with your pediatrician.
Good luck.

If your other child -- younger -- already knows "when to stop," the issue may not be your parenting. What you describe is not normal; many kids are stubborn or willful but your older son adds anger to the mix. I would get him evaluated by a child psychologist or whoever your pediatrician recommends. Mention that your son shows strong defiance; tantruming that doesn't stop and includes throwing himself around; cruel behavior to his sibling; and defiance. They may want to look at the idea of oppositional defiance disorder (not sure of the exact term, but there is a condition where the child is defiant far beyond normal) or wheher he possibly is even depressed -- yes, young children can sometimes suffer clinical depression, and depression can show up as anger.

You also should consider whether his diet is affecting his mind and moods; for some kids, artificial dyes (especially red and yellow dyes) can actually make them more aggressive. While you get professional help -- which I urge you to do today -- at the same time, eliminate all artificial dyes from his diet and go as natural as you can. I'm not an all-natural mama myself but I do know from friends that dyes can really mess with some kids' heads.

But the most important thing is to get him to the doctor and insist on a referral for an evaluation as soon as possible. Your whole family suffers when your son is like this, and he's like this so often that your whole family is suffering daily, from the sound of it.

It doesn't sound normal, it sounds like out of control Terrible Two's, which he should be long past. But if he's always gotten away with it he may now feel he's entitled to behave this way. My fear would be he will hurt someone or himself.

Please get him to his pediatrician for a referral to a child psychologist so between the two of them they can help you help your son. I have ideas of what it could be, but I'm not a doctor. Best wishes!

Starting young when my kids tried to whine or scream for things, I would calmly tell them until you speak to me in a kind, calm manner---we will not have this conversation. At 2 and 3 years old, we would validate their feelings and say what we see " I see you are so so angry at mommy for not giving you a cookie right now. You really want a cookie, I can see that your angry. Lets deal with that feeling, that big feeling you are having---take some deep breaths and breath with me.....when you are feeling better, we can talk about why you can't have one right now and when you can.

For your 7 year old : Validate the feeling, tell him you love him and know he is really upset. If he throws something--say " Johnny, I see you are really angry right now. Throwing a ball at your brother's head is not ok. When you are angry, you are not allowed to hurt yourself or others. You have the option to go and scream into your pillow, stomp your feet in your room or come tell M./Dad how you are feeling.

I don't think you should totally blame yourself. I do think your kids need coping mechanisms and are crying for help to get that. Start giving them small tools to cope with anger and all emotions. Instead of getting angry right back---tell him calmly that he is not to speak to you in that manner and you will be happy to hear what he has to say when he is calm and not screaming. Be patient, calm and ready to let your little one cry on your shoulder. It may take several times for him to get it but he will.

Remember, feelings can be soooo overwhelming for children---just think of it as an adult it can be hard as well. For children, the feelings are so big and they panic--they dont know what to do so they do what they know and anything to get the feeling to stop being so strong. Good luck!

Look up Dr. Laura Markum for super great parenting tips/advice

It's not your parenting. I just contributed to another post about this. He's strong-willed. It wouldn't hurt to discuss it with your pediatrician, but you can also read about it. Two of my favorite books on the subject are The Explosive Child and 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child. Both are great and really help you learn some new approaches to getting things under control. The key for us is empathy and understanding with our daughter. She needs to feel accepted and nurtured, even when she's doing something wrong. Super against my normal gentle but firm parenting style that is more "do what I say because I'm your mother". My normal approach works just fine with my son, but not at all with my daughter. It's enough to make you crazy some days, but it can get better!

My son used to have a bad temper as well. We would reward the good behavior and give him short term incentives. He liked having something to work for. If he acted up we would wait until he calmed down and talk first. We try not to yell because it only makes him feel like his tantrum was justified. Just let him know that his anger had not been warranted and show him how to take accountability and the proper way of handling it going forward. If it escalated we would take away the tv. He couldn't watch it again for the remainder of the day. If he threw a tantrum about the tv being taken away we would deduct 10min of tv time for the following day for every couple of minutes of tantrum. That is what has worked for us. He is now very calm, doesn't throw fits, and has learned to take accountability and make good choices. Every now and again we have to remind him to make better choices if we see him starting to go astray but no more tantrums.

I hope this helps. You should also try just talking to him one on one. Just ask him, when he is calm, why he gets so angry. A lot of the time kids just don't feel they get enough attention when you have more kids. They aren't always sure how to express it so they act out.

My friend's middle child started anger management therapy at age 8. His temper went beyond what is typical for a kid that age, but was not due to a medical issue. AM seems to have helped a ton!