Another Wedding Question

Hi J.,
My daughter (23 years old) just got married in November.. I got a lot of great info from the ladies on this website so if you look into wedding/event planning on this site and click on that, you will get a lot of great information and recommendations!
Just wanted to share that.
You know, you are going to have a busy time planning your wedding. My advice is similar to the other gals. Ask the people you are most comfortable with in helping you plan your wedding. All of the planning of details and purchasing things and so forth can be stressful enough let alone having to deal with someone you may have conflicts with.

I'm not sure what sort of support you are looking for. I suppose you could point blank ask specifically for help with something but based on her initial response to you that she will get back to you on it.. I have a feeling for whatever reason, she isn't interested in being involved at this point. I wouldn't jump the gun though and assume she really dislikes you, perhaps she has own reasons and as things get closer will get more excited about it. I would remain cheerful, VERY organized and positive. I think she will respect that more so then if you start right off the bat being resentful, whiny and demanding.. (not saying you are.. you know what I mean..)

If you are looking for financial support from your mom n law, I would have your fiance approach her on that. Anyway, I wish you the very best of luck and again, there is TONS of planning advice in the archives of this site as I asked a million wedding planning questions for my daughter!
Take care and I wish you an enjoyable time planning your wedding. Try and be as positive as you can and that will rub off on everyone!! Rise above your mother n law's attitudes and you will gain more by doing so. You could even write her a short note in your Christmas card to her and say I would welcome any help you would care to offer us during the planning of our wedding. I'm so excited about it.. and so forth.. be positive.. !!!

This is your Fiance's mother that you are wanting to help with your wedding... correct... ???

If so I asked my husbands mother to help just a little bit. HA-HA she never once wanted to help. She left right after the "I do's" we said. So my suggestion is ask your mother. or if your mom is not around an aunt or really close friend. Your maid of honor should also be willing to help. My mom and my Maid of Honor were my wedding planners. My husband said he is awful at planning big important things like that so he left it up to me and he really loved it when that day came. We just did something small and very simple. My entire wedding only cost about 3,000 dollars. (dresses, tuxes, decorations, cake, food, rent of the place where we got married.) Just have fun with it!

The other hand I can also relate. The mother-in-law seems to but your child second. I know that one to well. My husbands mother always put my children second. Her second son has 4 kids and she will tell you to your face that she is the one that raised those kids not the mom and dad. I think what got her one day is that she tried to say that with my children and I stood up to her. I don't regret doing that. It just shows what type of person she is. My kids are always around people who love them. Just because they don't see his parents all the time does not seem to bother my kids. It will be the grandparents lose in the long run. They should not have favorites when it comes to kids. They should all get the same love and attention. I just will not have my children around that type of environment that they feel like they are not good enough for a grandparent.

Hope this help if not I am sorry.

Don't rely on the in laws for help. My in laws did NOTHING for my wedding. My parents paid for everything and helped me plan everything. We tried to include the in laws, but they wanted nothing to do with it. The didn't even offer to pay for anything and totally monopolized the photographers time. Sorry, it's still a bit of a sore subject with me. That said, continue to ask her for help doing little things for the wedding. If you have some flower or cake designs, take her pictures and ask what she thinks. If she's still uninterested, just leave her out of the plans. It's your day after all.

In refrence to your other problem, I don't have much advice. I will say that we do tend to give the dead sainthood. We seem to focus only on the positives of that person and not the negative. I can see why your future in laws would feel connected to the little girl. They were around her for a long time. Does your fiance still see her? She is just a little girl and you can't blame her for the way your future in laws act toward her. Have you mentioned anything to your mother in law about the way you feel? If you are close, you could bring it up to her. If you're not, just let it go. It's unfortunate, but there's not really anything you can do. Sorry.

Hopefully things will work themselves out.

Okay I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way because I know how stressful planning a wedding and being a new mom can be so I see where you are coming from. But to me the first thing that I think of is that there is this little girl that for the first time is about to go through xmas without her mother. It doesn't matter if they were close or not I'm sure she misses her. If your daughter were old enough to notice the favortism then that would be a different story but she is only 3 months old...she doesn't see what you are seeing....I just think that know matter how you feel about the MIL or the little girl each person has their own way of dealing with things...I also think that once your little one gets a little older and is entertaining things will probably change anyway...I have a 15 month old that steals the spotlight when he walks in the room...toddlers are just adorable like that....good luck! hope everything works out for you!

Is this guy your baby's daddy? Your daughter is only 3 mos old. How old is the other little girl because that does make a difference? I think that you can't disregard that the little girl will grow up without a Mother. Were their families friends before? I would say she is making it clear that she doesn't support this wedding. Are you rushing into a wedding???? That could have something to do with everything if you are.

Hi J.,
Wow! you just need to talk to someone. I can help! Also since you are getting married have you gotten your invitations yet? I can help? Call me if you would like to discuss further details. Thank you.
D.
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Sounds like she's sending her message pretty clearly. She doesn't like you and would prefer you didn't marry her son. (Is your daughter her grandchild?) Like anything else, she'll get over it eventually. All you can really do is be calm and polite and don't let your guard down for a while until she decides to get over it. I hope that doesn't sound unsympathetic, but I've been around and around some things with in-laws myself, and the fact is that it's just not worth letting it get to you if you can help it. In most cases it seems like for the sake of the kids and your partner, it's best to really learn to ignore a lot and let stuff go. (it helps if you can also live 300 miles away :-)

As for the other little girl, it will be years before your daughter notices anything. I wouldn't waste your energy resenting anything about her. I'm sure the in-laws have become attached and feel as if she's their grandchild, even if there is no blood relationship. The poor kid doesn't have her mom at Christmas for the first time - I tend to agree with them - she needs them more right now than you do. In 4 years when your daughter is old enough to notice it, then you can say something (if things haven't changed.) Right now, it honestly has nothing to do with you. Your child is basically a newborn, and some people don't attach to infants in the same way they do to older kids. As soon as she can toddle around and say "grandma" it might be a whole new story. Give it time.

As for the wedding - ask your fiance to ask her for anything you want help with. Don't get in the middle of it. And don't count on them for much. My advice is, just enjoy the day. That's all that matters. The other stuff is just temporary and the only way it can hurt you is if you let it spoil what should be a fun time for you guys. It seems like your fiance's mother is pulling your strings a bit, maybe not even consciously, maybe that's just her style. The less you react, the better the chances are in the future that she will keep a little distance with you.